Should you ever settle?

cazziebo

aliasojo wrote: »

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I've been in your husband's shoes. It's not nice. Bite the bullet now, life is too short, for you and for him.

Me too. The worst of it all was that I didn't know at the time and wasn't given a chance to resolve the situation.

This doesn't sound like an irrecoverable relationship to me. You both have to rediscover the fun.

(Tut! Ailuro! )

aliasojo

anony.mouse wrote: »

It may sound like whinging, but I feel like Cinderella. He is completely oblivious that I haven't sat down all week and that I've not slept well because of being woken!

I can see you have cause to feel disgruntled, I would be too. I think you are both in a rut and have forgotten how to see the person under the 'wif'e and 'husband' tag.

You have 3 choices...put up and shut up, leave, stay but seek couple counselling.

We only have one side of things here so are offering advice to suit. A counsellor will hear both sides and will offer a much more balanced view.

Whatever happens I genuinely wish you well. Life is difficult enough sometimes without being unhappy all the way through it. You BOTH need to feel valued and loved.

Zazen999

anony.mouse wrote: »

I've just sat and worked out how the past week has gone. He has worked a 40 hour week and travelled for approx 10 minutes each way. I've worked a 45 hour week and travelled an hour each way. I've spent an hour food shopping and probably an hour and a half each night cooking and cleaning the kitchen afterwards. He called me on Wednesday when I was shopping to ask if I would be much longer because he was hungry, then complained when I got home that I'd bought too much because the freezer was already full of food. (I bit my tongue and didn't point out the obvious there). Each night before bed I've put a load of washing on. Each morning before work I've hung the washing out on the line. Tonight I will spend 2-3 hours ironing it. I've cleaned the bathroom and the downstairs loo, changed the bedding and hoovered throughout (this morning). I spent 2 hours this afternoon sorting out his car insurance which is due for renewal on Monday. Each night I have gone to bed alone because I've been exhausted. My husband has watched a film each evening and woken me when he's come to bed every single night. Last night the pile of his clothes that don't need ironing was removed from the bed and put on the floor. It will probably stay there until it's all been re-worn. He was searching for something in a cupboard earlier and the contents are still strewn across the kitchen floor. They'll probably stay there until I get fed up and put it all away again. I asked him to nip round the corner to post a letter for me earlier, but he was too busy on Facebook, so it'll have to wait.

But you're the one doing it.

Stop washing and ironing his stuff until you agree what you are going to do and what he is going to do.

For example, I cook and my OH does the pots. If I'm late home, I've taught him 3 good meals to cook [well] which he does when he knows that I'm still on the M1 when he leaves work. I wash the clothes and he irons. I pay for a cleaner and he tidies up the night before she comes. We give each other lifts to places if we are going out with our friends. If we are doing a big house clean for relatives coming to stay, we'll do it together.

If you've got into the rut it's because you did a bit more and a bit more until you were doing it all. Perhaps you should print the above out and shove it under his nose and tell him if you don't come to a compromise you'll be out by Christmas.

Bogof_Babe

I'm curious as to what has prompted this realisation to come at this particular time. Apologies if I'm way off track, but has anyone else turned your head? Colleague at work who seems like much more fun?

Second question - does your OH know you are having counselling? If so, what does he think about it?

As for the chores, you are both working and could presumably afford a dishwasher, which would at least resolve one issue. Tumble dryer to avoid all the hanging out/bringing in, and some of the ironing.

How many bedrooms do you have? Is there a box room you could turn into your own space? A comfy chair, a small TV and radio, bookcase, and a "do not disturb" sign for the door. Or a futon instead of the chair, so that when you get to the point of exhaustion due to the disturbed nights you can crash out there. Everyone is entitled to a good night's sleep, and even the happiest marriages sometimes find this a problem if parties go to bed at different times, snore, work shifts etc.

As for the paperwork - get a big cardboard box and stick it all in there. He'll soon sort it out when he needs to find something.

Tbh your marriage sounds fairly typical of thousands at around the stage you're at. The initial novelty has worn off, you are both shattered from long working days, and it is all a bit samey.

I would encourage you not to throw in the towel until you are absolutely certain you can't make it work. I've tried the greener grass thing, and it wasn't .

Zazen999

Don't know why but.....when I saw this I did think of you....



http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.html?p=24450433&postcount=6

aliasojo

Sorry...but... :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


Edit: That was referring to Zazen's post.

anony.mouse_3

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I'm curious as to what has prompted this realisation to come at this particular time. Apologies if I'm way off track, but has anyone else turned your head? Colleague at work who seems like much more fun?

No no, nothing like that.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Second question - does your OH know you are having counselling? If so, what does he think about it?

He does, and he understands why. He asks me how each session went and hopes that it makes me happier.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

As for the chores, you are both working and could presumably afford a dishwasher, which would at least resolve one issue. Tumble dryer to avoid all the hanging out/bringing in, and some of the ironing.

We have a dishwasher already and guess who always loads it and unloads it? I don't want a tumble dryer.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

How many bedrooms do you have? Is there a box room you could turn into your own space? A comfy chair, a small TV and radio, bookcase, and a "do not disturb" sign for the door. Or a futon instead of the chair, so that when you get to the point of exhaustion due to the disturbed nights you can crash out there. Everyone is entitled to a good night's sleep, and even the happiest marriages sometimes find this a problem if parties go to bed at different times, snore, work shifts etc.

We have 3 bedrooms, but I have been reluctant to start sleeping in seperate rooms as that seems like a very negative thing to do.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

As for the paperwork - get a big cardboard box and stick it all in there. He'll soon sort it out when he needs to find something.

Already done. The boxes go under tables or onto bookshelves and don't get looked at again. Just counted and there are 14 boxes and have receipts for toasters etc going back about 12 years. It's ridiculous.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Tbh your marriage sounds fairly typical of thousands at around the stage you're at. The initial novelty has worn off, you are both shattered from long working days, and it is all a bit samey.

You're spot on.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I would encourage you not to throw in the towel until you are absolutely certain you can't make it work. I've tried the greener grass thing, and it wasn't .

Thank you for your post. I don't know if there is greener grass but I feel like I'm in a mud pit at the moment.

So chuffed I made those single quotes work. This forum isn't as hard as I thought it was!

olibrofiz

:D I've just re-read my post and I think, after reading the whole thread, it brought back old memories best forgotten and when I posted I was feeling a bit cross with myself for all the wasted years I spent trying to make things work. I also tried talking, shoving stuff in boxes, which stayed there, went to councelling on my own (because he said it was a waste of time), etc, etc.

It's nice that your OH asks you how your councelling session went but I'm a bit puzzled as he obviously sees it as you're the one that's unhappy but not that he's a contributing factor to your unhappiness?

It's so hard to know what to do, but the grass isn't always greener. You may never find what you're looking for. Could you not maybe have a break, go away for a few days on your own to think.

poet123

I would bet that he assumes that the root (only)cause of her unhappiness stems from her childhood issues, and is glossing over any part he may be playing in it.(Some)! men do have an uncanny knack of absolving themselves from blame, and apportioning it elsewhere, unless it is firmly pointed out to them.

Reluctant_spender

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for YOU.

Having been in a similar situation I now do what is right for me and I can look myself in a mirror each day and say that I have been true to myself.