Should you ever settle?

anony.mouse_3

I've been married for a few years and things aren't great. I'm having therapy to try and work out some issues and have admitted to my therapist that I settled when I married my husband. He is not my ideal man but having been hurt by other men I thought I'd be safer with this one. A few years on and I'm not sure that it's working. He makes me feel safe in the major areas (fidelity, money etc) but he doesn't meet my daily needs. I'm turning into a nag and I'm resenting him for the way he is. I'm starting to think about having children, and am so confused about what I should do.

I am convinced that there is someone out there that would fit better with me but I have to decide whether to stick or risk losing everything for something that might not exist.

My therapist says I have three choices. Mould him into doing the things I want him to do, settle for the person he is and bury my own feelings, or leave him. Option 1 carries a risk that I won't like him even when he does the things I want him to do. Option 2 carries a risk that surpressing my true feelings will cause me future damage. Option 3 would break his heart and I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for wasting several years of his life.

So my question is, is it ever right to settle? I'm getting to the age where I need to make a decision and I just don't know what to do. Please help.

moodydonkey

Hey there, I don't believe there are 3 choices and I don't believe you should mould someone either.

Do you feel that you need to settle or is it your therapist that does?

It's right to settle, whatever that means when YOU want to.

aliasojo

Show the poor man some kindness and leave him so he at least has a chance of finding someone who loves and respects him for who he is now rather than who someone else wants him to be.

Don't even think about bringing a child into this situation.

anony.mouse_3

moodydonkey wrote: »

Hey there, I don't believe there are 3 choices and I don't believe you should mould someone either.

Do you feel that you need to settle or is it your therapist that does?

It's right to settle, whatever that means when YOU want to.

I don't mean settling down. I mean settling for one thing when there might be something better somewhere else. Like settling for a 2 bed house when you really want a 3 bed. You might love the 2 bed, but it's missing something. So you convert the attic and create a 3 bed, but it still isn't the perfect house if you see what I mean (because now you've lost the space you had to hide all your junk)? Does that make sense?

My therapist just helps me to identify the issues and doesn't sway me one way or another.

anony.mouse_3

aliasojo wrote: »

Show the poor man some kindness and leave him so he at least has a chance of finding someone who loves and respects him for who he is now rather than who someone else wants him to be.

Don't even think about bringing a child into this situation.

I'm beating myself up about this enough already so thanks for making me feel worse.

Rockporkchop

Agree wholeheartedly with the above posters. You certainly can't mould someone to suit you and you shouldn't stay with someone you feel you have settled for - it's not fair to them. You make no mention of whether you love him at all.

No-one can be 100% perfect for another person. You have to work out what is most important to you in a partner and if they have these qualities then you have to learn to accept their faults. Chances are, your husband isn't particularly happy with you at the moment either.

poet123

I agree with Aliasjo. Your therapist is wrong, there are not 3 choices, just one, you have articulated quite well your feelings. Leave him, let him find someone who will love and respect him, it willhurt short term .long term you are doing him a big favour. I say this as the mother of 4 sons. As for kids, no way.

moodydonkey

anony.mouse wrote: »

I don't mean settling down. I mean settling for one thing when there might be something better somewhere else. Like settling for a 2 bed house when you really want a 3 bed. You might love the 2 bed, but it's missing something. So you convert the attic and create a 3 bed, but it still isn't the perfect house if you see what I mean (because now you've lost the space you had to hide all your junk)? Does that make sense?

My therapist just helps me to identify the issues and doesn't sway me one way or another.

You're switching the issue tho aren't you because you're not talking about bedrooms are you honey.

aliasojo

anony.mouse wrote: »

I'm beating myself up about this enough already so thanks for making me feel worse.

It wasn't my intention. Your post is all about you, clearly you are in a quandry but there are two of you in this relationship and you need to remember that. Have you ever asked yourself what you bring to the marriage for your husband? You may love him, but not enough. He irritates you and you resent him but you're happy that he provides for you. It's one sided and unfair.

I've been in your husband's shoes. It's not nice. Bite the bullet now, life is too short, for you and for him.

anony.mouse_3

Rockporkchop wrote: »

Agree wholeheartedly with the above posters. You certainly can't mould someone to suit you and you shouldn't stay with someone you feel you have settled for - it's not fair to them. You make no mention of whether you love him at all.

No-one can be 100% perfect for another person. You have to work out what is most important to you in a partner and if they have these qualities then you have to learn to accept their faults. Chances are, your husband isn't particularly happy with you at the moment either.

When I talk of moulding it's little things. When we were dating his house was tidy and clean. Now he leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor and dirty dishes in the sink. Every table is covered in bank statements and other post that he can't be bothered to file. Nothing gets done unless I do it or I nag him to do it. I don't want to be a nag.

Sometimes I look at him and love him and the life we have together. Sometimes things are easy and I feel I can be myself. And then I see the mess he creates and then ignores and I want to hit him with a hammer. It's as if he can't be bothered now he has me. Why should I do everything? I'm sorry but he's not respecting me by taking me for granted.

anony.mouse_3

moodydonkey wrote: »

You're switching the issue tho aren't you because you're not talking about bedrooms are you honey.

No I'm not, but I was trying to illustrate my point.