Wol's Riverbank tales: Part 3 Restoration

taxi73

Thankyou so much everybody.I am so touched by all your lovely responses and am sat here tears rolling down my cheeks.
I was going to delete it after posting it due to it being unfair posting my ordeal on Wols thread.This is her thread.The only reason I posted it was that Wol has touched a nerve with me with her total honesty of her toxic mother and something swithced on in my head(very brightly) and I know we can heal.I think what I'm saying to her is do not feel alone and I'm glad that she is brave enough to have found a counselloor that is really helping especially with the book.

The best thing for me was that the police totally believed me and going to court was a massive thing but relieved some feelings as he was being held to account.It's very hard

to get to court yet alone get a conviction years after the event.







I was brave enough to go to court after it had come out in hospital after a socialworker said to me that she knew that I'd been abused (but couldn't ask as that could put the idea into somebodys head) as I had shown the typical behaviour signs of an abuse victim she gave me a book to read and said I could take him to court.I read the book and it gave me great strength and the rest you sort of know.

I have been wondering very recently why I can't have the will power to give upsmoking/lose weight when I actually am very strong in getting out of debt and I had thought before reading this thread whether it was anything to do with my sexual abuse/rape.

I think that book will be good and I wish I was brave enough to get a counsellor....

So thankyou so very very much Wol for sharing your ordeal and I'm so so sorry for any others that have suffered so badly at the hands of the people that should have protected them.My heart goes out to you all xxx

I have just ordered the book...won't do any harm reading it and it may helpwith issues.

Karmacat

I'm glad you're going to get the book, Taxi. I think you're amazing that you've managed to have any willpower while you're holding down that level of pain from your childhood.

As for posting onWol's thread - we really are a community on here, and people sharing their stories is a strength, not an intrusion. And the strength that you've shown, in living your life and keeping going, *and* in taking control over the debt and getting clear, is absolutely amazing.

taxi73

Thanks KC..life had to go on and I got out when I could and carried on my bad behaviour(I didn't at that time associate my bad behaviour with the abuse)..that only occurred to me that that was why when in hospital with my breakdown many years later and when reading the book and talking to the social worker.
Yet still never associated my lack of will power/self sabbotage with abuse.....
Strangely,only the last few weeks have I been giving it some thought...how strange is that?
I have cut myself off from them and I can never ever be with any of them again.I find myself looking at the death notices every night and the day of their funeral will dance on the grave.(sorry it'show I feel).

I had a couple of bad/abusive relationships with men before having the breakdown but
when I met my fabulous DH that I am now with who is a gentle caring sensitive man (who deserves someone better than me) did I have the strength to go to court.
Perhaps my mind is saying go on heal and have a better life...who knows.
They have missed out on 5 wonderful grandkids and 2 great grandchildren.My bond is so strong for them that i'd fight unti lthe death for them.
Mostly it is in the back of my mind .....but every so often it comes forward....

taxi73

MSE is a great community and I could only post that as nobody knows me.I agree everyone is so supportive.Thankyou all xxxxxxx

Karmacat

taxi73 wrote: »

Thanks KC. You're very welcome :kisses3:


life had to go on and I got out when I could and carried on my bad behaviour(I didn't at that time associate my bad behaviour with the abuse)..that only occurred to me that that was why when in hospital with my breakdown many years later and when reading the book and talking to the social worker.
Yet still never associated my lack of will power/self sabbotage with abuse.....
Strangely,only the last few weeks have I been giving it some thought...how strange is that? I don't think its strange at all - I think you've healed enough, and have a strong enough present day life to be able to face the horror of it all.

I have cut myself off from them and I can never ever be with any of them again.I find myself looking at the death notices every night and the day of their funeral will dance on the grave.(sorry it'show I feel). thats natural, Taxi, you don't need to apologise for that.

I had a couple of bad/abusive relationships with men before having the breakdown but
when I met my fabulous DH that I am now with who is a gentle caring sensitive man (who deserves someone better than me none of that, missus! you've shown yourself to be wonderfully strong.)

did I have the strength to go to court.
Perhaps my mind is saying go on heal and have a better life...who knows. I think you know - you really do sound like you're healing.
They have missed out on 5 wonderful grandkids and 2 great grandchildren.My bond is so strong for them that i'd fight unti lthe death for them.
Mostly it is in the back of my mind .....but every so often it comes forward....

Its them thats missed out taxi, you're absolutely right. I'm working with a situation right now, where my client has taken advice from the NSPCC about the involvement of abusive grandparents - its a minefield, and its a lot safer, and a lot less traumatic for you, to just cut off completely.

Right, I'm off to bed before I fall asleep at the computer.

Hope everyone has a good night's sleep.
xxx

taxi73

Thanks KC....that poor poor person.They must be going through hell.

have a good sleep.
Sorry wolfor hijacking your thread xxHope everything is ok with you.

Lula-Hula

Taxi,

with tears streaming down my face can I just say what an absolutely FABULOUS woman you truly are :A.

Wol,

you are also fabulous :A & I had every intention of saying something cheerful & witty, but this is not the time. Have been reading but not posting as my ethos remains the same - as per our last conversation -suffice to say I am glad that you have turned a corner & that your relative has had a succesful op & good prognosis. Will pm you when coherent again.


Love & hugs to all who post lurk here

xx

Wol2

Karmacat wrote: »

I'm glad you're going to get the book, Taxi. I think you're amazing that you've managed to have any willpower while you're holding down that level of pain from your childhood.

As for posting onWol's thread - we really are a community on here, and people sharing their stories is a strength, not an intrusion. And the strength that you've shown, in living your life and keeping going, *and* in taking control over the debt and getting clear, is absolutely amazing.

^ ^ ^ What she said :beer::beer:

taxi73 wrote: »

I have cut myself off from them and I can never ever be with any of them again.I find myself looking at the death notices every night and the day of their funeral will dance on the grave.(sorry it'show I feel).

Ahem Taxi.my dear.....you do not have to apologise for how you feel. You have every right to feel this way. They do not deserve your love or respect and you have every reason to feel very angry....

I had a couple of bad/abusive relationships with men before having the breakdown but
when I met my fabulous DH that I am now with who is a gentle caring sensitive man (who deserves someone better than me)

:naughty..... there you go again....:rotfl::rotfl:.......There is no one better than you my dear.....you are fabulous...:D.....and it is wonderful that you have found someone who has restored your faith in human nature and who loves you unconditionally and holds you in the highest regard.... which you quite rightly deserve. Big cheers for Mr Taxi :T

did I have the strength to go to court.
Perhaps my mind is saying go on heal and have a better life...who knows.
They have missed out on 5 wonderful grandkids and 2 great grandchildren.My bond is so strong for them that i'd fight unti lthe death for them.
Mostly it is in the back of my mind .....but every so often it comes forward....

I'm really pleased you ordered the book :T. You have come so far already.......Hopefully it will help you identify and resolve what it is that is still running around in the back of your mind..:)

taxi73 wrote: »

Sorry wolfor hijacking your thread xxHope everything is ok with you.

Hi Taxi - everything is fine with me....and you haven;t hijacked. I am really pleased you felt you could post here and I'm also really blown away by the responses on here today.....KC as always is very insightful and has the right of it :T - people sharing their stories is a strength not an intrusion

.You have courageously shared with us the horrendous events of your childhood ...there is no adequate response we can give to what you have experienced....but we can show you that we care deeply about your wellbeing and that we support how you feel....and that we think you're a truly fantastic strong woman. As Lula has said.....today is not the day for witty repartee......it would be completely disrespectful and could even be regarded as being dismissive...and I think it;s quite clear from the responses here that Taxi, you have our utmost admiration and respect.

Onwards and upwards ...we're all rooting for you...keep bashing away at those debts....and please don;t hesitate to post more if you feel you want to.

Hugs and piggie kisses
xxxxxx

Nargleblast

Good morning all, bright and sunny but loads of snow again. When will spring come?

Taxi - so pleased you managed to find a good bloke and have children with him. That in itself is your revenge on those from your past who hurt you - someone said to me once that the best revenge is to have a good life, and you are now having it. We all have burdens and issues from the past, some of my "baggage" that I carry still pops up now and then to bite me, but I am getting better at putting it back down where it belongs and keeping a good perspective on things. I have not been the best mother to my own daughter, and stuff is still waiting there to be played out, but time will tell, and I feel things will be ok in the end. Onwards and upwards, Taxi, you still have a lot of life ahead of you with your fabulous family.

Wol - hope you are ok this morning and feeling a bit more uplifted. Sometimes a book, sometimes a word or phrase even, is enough to get us thinking in a different way about things, and often it's at that point we start to grow up (even if we are 30, 40 or 50 -odd years old!). And as I've said before, the mundane chores still have to be done, life still goes on for the rest of the universe, nothing comes to a halt just because we are having a crisis, and mucking out guinea pigs is just one way of focussing on the realities of life! Have a brilliant day and remember there are more brilliant days in store for you.

Wol2

Morning Nargle, morning everyone

Well although I didn;t get out of the dressing gown until 3pm yesterday :eek:.......mission accomplished .....rest of batch cooking done.....BEFORE I cleaned my kitchen again :cool:

Piggies also got cleaned and have their pet carriers prepared for the long journey today :cool:

But....didn;t even reach the foothills of Mount Kilimanjironing :rotfl::rotfl:

Oh well...maybe this evening :cool:

The vino consumption has dropped drastically over this last week :T.....two glasses on friday with my meal out....but I did buy une bouteille on saturday...(a few wibbles I'd picked up over the week coalesced..:o.)....however none yesterday . Having done it this week for the first time since the flood, I'm determined now to stay off the vino completely during the week. I can then start to work on the next challenge facing me at the weekend ......not to finish a bottle once opened but put half back in the fridge for another day :cool:. If it means at first I have to pour half down the sink to stop me drinking the whole bottle then, OK it;s not very MSE, but so be it. The good news is that this saturday I have arranged to see a band in London...so a change from the usual sitting in the house.... and it also means driving home from the station late that night...so that's a max two small glasses witha meal and then no more after 8pm....:cool:.

18mm rain forcast to fall in the next three hours..and the stream is already on the rise...so I .need to make a few extra preparations before I leave today just in case something happens while I'm out.

Oops ...look at the time.....I'd best get moving......

Have a good day everyone....

xxx