Wol's Riverbank tales: Part 3 Restoration

ZTD

Wol2 wrote: »

The book is called "When you and your mother can;t be friends" by Victoria Secunda....mainly for daughters - but useful for mothers and sons too . However it should be stressed that this is not for normal mother/daughter relationships - it;s for daughters of extremely toxic mothers and describes the different methods these mothers resort to, the sad reasons why they do it (ie what's going on for them) and the fundamental issues it creates for the daughter in terms of their self-esteem and life choices

The events a couple of weekends ago with my mum..:mad:..and all your wonderful supportive comments in response..:T.finally opened the door to my light bulb moment in the counselling...:idea:..For the first time someone (i.e. you peepies here) actually validated the fact that her behaviour towards me was quite unreasonable and in fact downright cruel. I had never been "permitted" to think that way before ....her behaviour has always deemed to be "normal" by the rest of the extended family and it has been I who have the problem.

Nargle really focused in on it - the fact that I not produced any grandchildren and then dared to have the wrong tumour shows the true extent to which I have always been expected to live my mother;s life for her (i.e. she only seems to be able to live through her children) .....and am held reponsible by her for her emotions .

Hopefully the book will enable me to understand the motivation behind my mother's toxic behaviour to me (mothers treat each of their offsrping differently and the book also describes why this is the case and how it impinges on the rest of the family dynamics) so that in future I won;t take it so personally and be able to deal with it more constructively.:cool:. And it will help me to further understand the true extent that this (to date extremely damaging) relationship has had on my life/choices/wellbeing..:cool:..I am still gasping over the true extent to which, I now realise, this dynamic has pervaded my life to date :eek:

It also ties in with the self sabotage - as this is a direct result of that toxic relationship. I always seem to pick situations/people/jobs that create a situation of constant criticism/undermining etc (i.e. "no win") which is damaging for my mental well being....(I have never worked in a job where I haven;t been badly bullied)..and then wonder why I feel so carp....and then beat myself up because it surely means I am failing in some way or in the wrong....

And friends too.

But not here.

:kisses3:

Lemon_Tree

wol you've done exactly what i always do when i've just blitzed the kitchen - do loads of cooking/baking and wham it's back to bombs hit status.

Wol2

Lemon_Tree wrote: »

wol you've done exactly what i always do when i've just blitzed the kitchen - do loads of cooking/baking and wham it's back to bombs hit status.

LT.:j:j:j

.I am SO going to give you big slobbery piggie whiskers hugs and kisses for that last statement :rotfl::rotfl:

I'm so so ....SO........glad it's not "just me" :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Hugs Hun and many many thanx for your honesty :kisses3:
xxxx
:D:D Wol is a happy [STRIKE]bunny[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]bird[/STRIKE]
.....insert confused smiley or fill in the missing word

xxxx

Wol2

ZTD wrote: »

And friends too.

But not here.

:kisses3:

I agree Hun......deffo NOT here......:A:A...cos here there be "luverly friends" ...which I get quite emotional about when trying to describe to peepies why I feel completely comfortable sharing my life with "a bunch of strangers"........I do so value all of you...and feel very privileged to have met such wonderful peepies :A:D

Thanx all of you :beer:

xxx

beanielou

New word there then?
Peepies?

penguin83

I did the exact same today Wol, spent hours returning it to its former glory (ie how it was before I cooked last time) and then immediately undid it all making lots of yummy food and just for the record I now officially loathe cleaning baking trays and pans!

Glad you had a good night last night Wol xxxxx

Karmacat

Wow, Wol, thats ahelluva lot of insights going on .... amazing stuff! Isn't it great when it all really starts flowing like that, and the pieces start to fit together, and things start to make *sense* - for me, it was like, "oh, I always thought I was crazy" - but I realised that it was simply that I was reacting to situations that were crazy, in the best way that I could as a child, and then just kept going in that way.

My mum seems pretty toxic to me, but I don't think she has a patch on yours - I remember that by the time I was 10, she was talking to me as if I was an adult -because she was so lonely. There's a part of her thats very self pitying, but also very smug, and for me the result was a feeling that I could never get it right for her, tho I remember trying and trying.

As for the cooking.....nope, I gotta pass on that one. Down to my mother's influence again - she didn't really cook, and wanted out of the kitchen asap, so was very impatient, I can remember kitchen implements being pulled out of my hands... plus I was pigeonholed as the academic one, who was stupid in practice. Deffo toxic: the O level in cookery was a bit of a surprise :rotfl:

The book your counsellor recommended to you sounds excellent, and it really "speaks" to you.

Chill time? Hopefully? Anyway, another good chat on this thread - so many good chats, so many *sorts* of good chats! And thank you for checking out the date - I'm sure it *is* an alternative, but the new me wants to speak up about stuff like that - the old me would have pretended to ignore it, while suffering in silence the whole time, and then when the clash couldn't be denied any longer, would have acted surprised and confused. Progress, always progress

taka

Oh... yep... I do the kitchen thing too. Mine is currently suffering after a batch of leek and potato soup.

Lemon_Tree

maybe that's why we congregate on here, our kitchens are all as 'bad' as each others. lol
but i have to say that the flat as a whole must be worse than absolutely every one elses in the whole world. It's really doing my head in. at the moment i just want to win the lottery and walk away from this place handing the keys to a homeless association or something. They'd probably tell me to get lost or something though

taxi73

That book sounds absolutely fantastic.
It makes total sense as well and will be a great help to you I'm sure.
I too have a toxic mum but I have not spoken to her or my stepdad for about 15 years now.
I class my self as having no parents and no brothers and sisters...sad I know.
Briefly, my stepfather sexually abused me from 6years to 14 years of age(while she was at work)...I only realised at 14 it wasn't normal and didn't happen to every girl...I never told anyone at that time.!!!!!
I became very naughty then truanting amongst other stuff...she had me put in an assessment home..I was as good as gold and didn't tell them....they sent me back...I was really naughty again and left home at 16..still never said anything.
Cue the lauch of child line many years later and esther rantzen was on the tv launching at and I burst into tears my ex asked what was up and I poured my heart out..but still didn't tell anyone official.

Cue a couple of years later andI had a breakdown and was in hospital..mum came to visit me and was verbally abusing me and during the conversation I said and the other thing...she kept asking and asking what the other thing was and I said don't ask I got hysterical and she forced it out of me!!!!
She said she'd get dad to come see me and I could say it in front of him ..I said go on then but she didn't bring him and the hospital sedated me..
Hospital were great and I decided enough was enough and went through the trauma of taking him to court....he got off with it as my MUM said she'd never worked ...so it couldn't have happened...what a liar...she is still with him today!!!!
She must have known it happened then as why would she lie!!!!!..what an awful betrayal by my mum.I could understand if she didn't believe me that it happened but why lie.

My brother and sister didn't believe me either.
That has effected me really bad and what you wrote about that book really hit home.
My mum had also when I was younger thrown hot pans of stuff over me and only fed us kids beans on toast or sandwiches whilst feeding themselves steak etc etc.
She has affected my life in so many ways ...and I think my weight issue vis down to this as I don't want to be sexually attractive to anyone as certain acts make me feel phsically sick
So may get a copy of that book..thankyou for sharing with us x