Taking control of my life

redsquirrel80

Hope it's useful Ames, a lot of the jobs seem to be fixed term so maybe a good start? Good luck anyway!

Ames

There doesn't seem to be a jobs page on the Leeds site, the Sheffield one looks a lot more user friendly!

Ames

Well, the house of cards has come crashing down.

I went on a Business Link course last week and it went really well.

I then went and saw my GP and told her about my plans. She was really alarmed, said that there's no way I can look at full time work, let alone running my own business. I told her I'm worried about being kicked off benefits under the new system, so I want to try and pre empt that by taking advantage of the help available, because they'll probably not be able to afford it for much longer. She said I'm not even borderline for being thrown off benefits, I can't work and I'm definitely entitled to benefits so not to worry.

Which is fine, but they're not taking much notice of GP's anymore.

So, since then I've been all over the place. Sometimes I've been up, thinking that she's wrong, I'm right, and I might as well carry on with my plans. Sometimes I've been down, spending hours doing nothing except having panic attacks (which has been going on for a while now). Then I'm having rational moments like now where I can see the problems.

Then this morning I realised I've failed my OU course. Looking back the problems I've had with it have been classic mania - misunderstanding essay questions, jumping about between ideas and making connections that only make sense to mme. A rambling 3 page long paragraph. Ignoring the teacher because I know better. Total confusion about dates and deadlines.

Hopefully I can retake the course though.

I think it's definitely harder to deal with the aftermath of mania than it is depression. With mania I have to assess every decision I made, and try and limit the damage I've done (like resitting the course). It's really hard to accept that for the last few months I've thought things were really looking up, that I was recovered and everything was going to be fine. In fact, I was as ill as I've ever been.

The hardest part though is not having any real support. I told my mum, she didn't say much and just carried on talking to my sister. My sister was (surprisingly) a lot better. She had a rant about the psychiatrist discharging me with no support, and said that 'if things get bad phone the samaritans' is advice given to everyone, and so not suitable for people with serious problems. Dad, well, he just doesn't get it. I've just phoned him about it, cos he's been on holiday. He couldn't understand the point about me not being able to work (every time a harsher system is announced he gleefully asks me when it is I'll have to work). And when I said about the OU course he said that I should have listened to the teacher and accepted she knew best. That's the bloody point though, I couldn't do that, that's what makes it an illness. Anyway I'm going over there on Thursday night with my sister and he says if I stay we can talk about it on Saturday.

So, it's now back to baby steps. Spend my 'rational' days trying to unravel the problems I've caused myself through being ill. Try not to make things worse on my 'up' days. Take a step back and have some time out. So instead of doing two new OU courses next year I think I'll just resit this one, take it easy and gradually get back into things.

Anyway, sorry for ranting and being down, it's really knocked me for six, although it's starting to sink in now. I just can't believe that I didn't notice the truth, when looking back there were so many obvious signs staring me in the face.

beanielou

Sorry things are so tough.
Baby steps indeed xxx

GeorgeUK

Ames, i think that's the best rant you've ever had - looks really constructive.

If you are going off on tangents on the OU course, then there is definately no way you could cope with running a business and all that entails. Funding or not. I think the doc is right on this one.

For the OU course, i think it's a good idea to try again rather than increasing your workload. You will be familiar with some of the subject now and you are now aware that taking a step back isn't the same as falling down.

Glad your sister was at least thinking about you, even though she may not know what to do.

LouiseJ

Sorry you are struggling at the moment Ames.

I agree with the step back approach, you really do need to treat yourself kindly right now.

:grouphug:

dancingfairy

Hi Ames - here's my 2pence worth.
1) the business course wasn't a waste of time - you enjoyed yourself and no doubt picked up some really useful info. It may not be of immeadiate benefit to you now but it's something new you've explored - so that's really positive.
2) You're getting on better with your sister - her comments sounded like she was trying to help even if she has limited ideas and experience.
3) your OU course- well you do do quite a few things. I think most people would struggle to keep up with your pace - ill/disabled or not. O.K so you've failed -it's not tooooo tragic -you can resit it. It must be difficult wanting to use your own arguments and logic and being prevented from that due to the way the courses work - but hey you've learned for next time - if you fancy doing it again.
4) Working for yourself is by no means out of the question - perhaps it is not something you can commit to now - but don't rule it out either. I don't know if you are particularly crafty/creative but perhaps when you are well enough you can make cards/earnings/ whatever and attend craft shows or get your sister or someone to attend on your behalf every so often? - there's no need to throw yourself into it full time - it could start out as a hobby first. Presumably you are able to earn a small amount without it affecting your benefits?
The other thing is to maybe get work experience (voluntary) with a charity of some sort - obviously being very clear about your health limitations and see how things go.
Anyway - things don't seem quite so bleak from here.
Good Luck with everything.
df
P.S I'm not belittling your problems but providing an alternative view for you to consider.

GeorgeUK

Hi Ames, time for your monthly update

Have you made any decision on the OU course?
Are you taking things a little more easy and feeling less anxious.

Hope you're okay.