Taking control of my life

Shoe_Gal

Good to see you back, and sorry you've been struggling a bit. Hope you feel better soon :A

Ames

Well, another update, I'm on fire this week!

I sorted through a load of paperwork today. Not sure how a small (ok, medium) pile of paperwork transforms into three piles of letters and half a bin bag of rubbish though! I've typed up letters and saved them, I'm just going to wait a few days till I print them because it means hooking up the printer in the middle of the floor so I'm going to wait till I've got lots of things to print.

I even did a (tiny) bit of flyladying last night, the flat looks so much better for it. Although even if I were 100% fit and healthy I don't think I'd do the full list of it every day (or week, or month..)! Going to do a bit more tonight. I've realised my best/most energeting/most motivated time of the day is late at night, so I'm going along with it and doing stuff then. I've spent the last couple of months fighting it and going to bed at a 'normal' time, then not getting to sleep for hours. There's nothing I can do to change it so I might as well just go with the flow and adjust to it.

I spoke to dad on Sunday and told him that I've been getting symptoms, he didn't ask what but at least he knows I'm not well right now.

I've also just signed up, well, pre booked, for next years OU courses. I want to do it now in case the black dog gets worse and I end up dropping out, damage limitation I guess.

And I've finally started doing the sealed pot thing, I've been putting anything I've 'earned' from amazon/quidco in it, and now I've started putting in any change from my account.

So, I've had a couple of good days and I'm trying to make the most of them before things slip again. Hopefully it'll last long enough for me to get into a routine which I can keep up through depression and not let things get too bad.

Although I have just had a nasty surprise... there's been a mouldy smell in the kitchen for a few days and I couldn't work out where it was coming from, I've just found that it's the slow cooker pot, which I must have forgotten to clean. So I need to get into hazmat gear and sort that out...

Ames

And yet another update! Bet you're all regretting asking me to come back...

I had a meeting with my MH support worker today and it went reallly well. I asked if I could start working on another area of my life, since sorting things with my family is going well. I chose Identity and Sense of Self. I said that I wanted to do some more activities to help my confidence, give me purpose etc. There's the volunteering I'm going to do, but that doesn't start till June. I mentioned that I've been thinking about starting a writers group, and it turns out that another user of the service has just done that and is looking for other service users to join in! Perfect timing! So she's going to put me in touch with that/get me the details. I'm really happy about that. She'd also printed off some info about panic and anxiety attacks for me to give to my dad when he's ready for it, and I think I'll send them to the friend who's going to be my carer at Download.

Then I went to town, I'd arranged to meet ex to give him his letters and stuff, since I'd be in town anyway. He hasn't spoken to me since the whole essay debacle in January, which is a shame because we'd started getting on really well. I thought I'd be a lot more upset at losing his friendship than I am, given that he was the only person I saw regularly in RL, but I've just dusted myself down and got on with other things.

Although when I went for a coffee to force myself to do some OU work I remembered that the pill works so effectively because it kills my libido, whic is now returning... I nearly jumped a guy next to me who was talking about travelling in Italy, and then how great TV is now, mentioning all my favourite shows... he obviously realised his danger though because him and his mate left pretty sharpish!

I then went for some retail therapy, I got a credit card holder wallet thing, which I needed because all the slots in my purse have got stretched and cards keep falling out - it's how I lost my last driving license so I've sorted it straight away this time. And a fiver on some hair grips. Oh and my monthly tenner on my mobile.

So, all in all a good day!

Shoe_Gal

Sounds like a good few positives in your recent posts

redsquirrel80

Some really good moves in the right direction there Ames, pleased for you! Lucky you going back to Venice too

Ames

Cheers Squizz. It's really just a flying visit to Venice, with the money I'm saving from the 'no more buying books' challenge. Although I think I'd have been better off putting the money towards new bookcases so I don't have books piled up everywhere...

Well, yet another update!

I had my Disabled Students Allowance assessment yesterday, they were here for a couple of hours and it was exhausting, all we were doing was sitting talking but it was really intense. He's going to recommend that I get Dragon voice software, something called Inspiration which is software to help with mind mapping and organising essays, a new laptop to run them cos this one's too crappy, some ergonomic bits and bobs, and an allowance to get the books comb bound. He's also recommending a PDA but says they don't often approve them. So I'm very happy! It'll take a couple of months to get sorted (probably, but with student finance being the way it is it's anybodies guess). I just wish I'd applied three years ago at the start of my course, I would have got much better grades with the help, stupid pride.

I've also decided to try and do a few modules through the Lifelong Learning department at the local RL uni. If I want to do a Masters (which I do) then I need to get used to a 'real' uni setting. This'll help me bridge the gap without throwing myself in too deep.

Unfortunately though I've missed a couple of appointments again. I was supposed to join the Expert Patient Programme (again), the first one I missed cos it was too short notice, and the second one I missed cos I just completely forgot. I've got used to checking my diary, but I forgot to put it in. Maybe I do need that PDA after all...

Things are going well with sister. We had a nice afternoon today and she finally took all her crap round to her place, I have loads of room now! Tomorrow she's coming round to help me take a load of my crap to the tip, and sort out some furniture. So I suppose I'd better go buy it! I know what I want from Argos, I just need to order it and pick it up tomorrow. I'll have to move money from my ISA for it though, I've got it in cash but it's in change and I doubt they'd appreciate me dumping it all on the counter! I'll repay it on Monday when the bank opens.

Ames

I need a bit of a moan.

I decided to try and stop 'enabling' mum, not to just nod and smile and agree with what she's saying. I'm not at the point of actually disagreeing yet, just doing this is hard enough.

Today she was saying how she can't go to her support group because it's just too much after her counselling session. The thing is, she's been having counselling for nearly 11 years for things which never actually happened! It's all in her mind! I can't keep going along with it all, but I feel like such a cow about it - does it matter if it happened or not if she thinks it does? An example - she 'remembers' being in the womb and grandma wanting to abort her. Clearly claptrap. She 'remembers' a load of medical stuff when she was in her teens - which isn't in her medical notes. She claims this is a medical cover up conspiracy. She's also convinced that I was sexually abused by my dad when I was a kid, again total rubbish. I know that it's a mixture of the drink and the dodgy 'counsellors' she's seen, and that I should be sympathetic, but I don't want to make things worse. I guess I'm saying I just can't cope with it any more. I feel such a cow though, if it was someone else I'd be able to see how she's an addict and needs help and things (which she wont do, doctors have tried to talk to her but she refuses to see a problem), and since she's my mum she I should be more sympathetic not less.

Anyway, sorry to moan. I guess it's partly cos of it being mothers' day and reading about how close other people are to their mothers/children, it makes me wish I had that kind of relationship.

Anyway, I just needed to get all that out, feeling better already!

LouiseJ

Hugs Ames, I know how you feel to some extent:grouphug:

I guess you will swing from sympathy to total frustration and outrage at her behaviour.

I dont have any advice though hun, sometimes our Mum's are the most difficult to challenge:(

Ames

Thanks Lou. I think it's the helplessness - her doctors have tried to talk to her but she just stops seeing that one, she just doesn't see she has a problem, and until she does there's nothing anyone can do.

Fake counsellors who induce 'memories' to keep getting their fees should be lined up and shot though.

beanielou

Difficult situation.
Where did you get your grips?
As you might have guessed just found this!