too afraid to tell hubby

hettiecarro

Hi Jodan

Firstly - A big well done & hug from me. I only posted for the first time last week and already the advice and support I am getting from here has helped enormously.

Having only recently told my partner what my true situation is (the debt in my case is mine not his) I understand how frightening it is. BUT! Grit your teeth and tell him. You can't battle on two fronts - you need all your energy to sort this out. Does he not see from what you're spending that you are overstretched? He may well have noticed but is 'burying his head in the sand'.

Re-do your SOA including his income and what to the best of your knowledge he pays out. Then you will be bombarded with sensible and practical ways from this site as to how to start budgeting and tackling the problem.

How long ago did you have the previous debt problem?

workingatit

Hi Jordan (hugs)

I was you nearly 3 years ago, I had buried my head in the sand and plodded on by myself trying to sort my mess out, didn`t sleep at nights for months worrying how I was going to tell hubby about it, trying to catch the mail as it came through the door before he got to it, the crunch came when I basically I ran out of money and credit to pay for things, I told him and from then on I never looked back, we sat down and worked everything out, phoned the cccs and got ourselves on a DMP and since then we both deal with the money and bills and discuss everything.

My quality of life has improved 100% since then, my only regret was not telling him earlier before the debt got as high as it did, it will take a long time to pay off but we are getting there.

Please talk to your hubby, he may not be as bad as you think and he will eventually find out anyway, you will need all the support you can get, the good folks on here will help you reduce your outgoings and give you great advise.

To be honest I thnk you need to set out your bills and income jointly so you can both see exactly whats coming in and going out.

looktothefuture

Hi honey... I was in the same boat as you... terrified to tell my partner I'd screwed up so I just didn't! It got so bad that i was thinking of leaving him as a way of not telling him! What would that have achieved really?? Not much!

So one day he found my stash of unopened letters and final notices and sat me down and told me that he would stand by me every step of the way... that was 10 months ago... and you know what? Hell it's made a difference to my life! If it weren't for him, I'd probably be hiding out somewhere waiting for the 6 year statute barred moment! LOL!

Tell him... he won't leave you!

steadyeddy_2

.I am new to posting but would like to say i was in similar situation a few years ago and rang debt line citizens advice for advice they sent me a pack explaining how to list all income and outtgoings and they tell you to put all prioty debts first i.e mortgage gas electric etc also costof living i.e food petrol etc then whatever you have left they show you how to share it between lenders equally. You then send this to all lenders which states how much you are affordably able to pay them and ask them to stop all interest untill all debts are paid. All lenders agreed it obviously gives you a bad credit rating for about 6 years but gets lenders off your back and enables you to clear debt affordably. You need to speak to your husband and tell him that you unable to manage the lifestyle you have with your income and that you need to put incomes togeth. to get out of a mess that you have tried to sort but not succesfully
wishing you all the best

SueP19

Hi Jodan
Like the OP I have had to fess up 3 times so far, the difference with me is I controlled all the bills and money. I have read many posts on this theme and through experience have realised that the best combination that works is when both of you deal with everything together.
This last time I forced my OH to face things, it slow going but steady, although sometimes I am sure he is determined to make me grey before my time.
On your budget, I know you have said that it is all 50/50 but does he earn the same as you, often women are the lower wage earner and if he is so good with money then after the previous times, he should have stepped in longer term to help. I know that sounds harsh but I only am trying to point out that in a relationship no-one is blameless...............you obviously spend a little more on things than your incomings (my problem as well) Could it be that the true cost of the things you buy for your children/home is not refected in your budget??? If so then a spending diary would be a good idea, if anything it will help you focus on what you are spending
Good Luck XX

System

Hi Jodan, good luck with telling OH, Im sure he will be ok with it all. Have you phoned Payplan or CCCS or are you devising your own plan? Good luck with it all and keep posting, this forum will help you no matter what. Len

Bunnyinthelights

I was in the same position (with more than double the debt!) 4 years ago.

Told DH after I had contacted CCCS and decided this time I had to bail myself out as I hadn't learn the lesson that is 'money' the first time (and second, and third) I was bailed out.

It was horrific telling him and it wasn't easy but it helped.

Probably not what you want to hear but I think you do need to tell him-and cut up the cards!

gargrave50

Hi Jodan, well done on facing your debt. Its not easy but it will (believe it or not!) improve your life, you are at least taking control. It is a difficult thing to tell your husband, but he will realise the courage it took to confess and at least he knows you are trying to face it.

You have had some great advice, like Kiki and others say you have to repost a joint SOA. It is difficult to suggest where you can cut your expenditure where only half the story is posted. Your husband isn't going to say well they are not my debts pay them off yourself........... his income will undoubtedly go towards repaying the debt.:o

I know you said your utilities had gone up and you were looking in to changing your supplier. That is all very well, but you may find your consumption is high! Try making positive changes e.g. switching unused lights off, sticking on a jumper instead of the heating for an hour or so....... Sounds really frugal but you need to make some changes.

Please please please, get your figures together and repost the SOA. The advice you will receive may not always be easy to hear, but we all want to support you in getting through this. It is only money it can be repaid, don't let it ruin your life or your relationship.

You will learn a hard lesson. You need to cut these cards up today. There is no emergency which can justify increasing your debt right now.;)

Bunnyinthelights

To be fair,
My DH and I keep our finances completely seperate-I pay for food and my car and everything for the kids. He pays for the mortgage and utilites and CCCS are fine with this. My DH has no debt and spotless credit rating, I am not named on the mortgage and it works for us.

gargrave50

Absolutely agree whatever works for you bunny in the lights, my point is that without seeing all of the expenditure it is difficult to recommend best savings. I'm sure OH wouldn't mind if we could make recommendations to reduce what he pays out! E.g. they split sat tv, broadband and landline which might be cheaper as a bundle?:)