How do I broach bill-splitting when dining out with friends?

Queen-Bee_2

I'd really appreciate some thoughts/advice on this one.

I've recently been made redundant, and have to be very, very careful with money.

A couple of times I have been out with friends for supper and have been very careful to choose the cheaper dishes on the menu, forgo starter/pudding etc, and not have any wine, asking for tap water instead.

However, when the bill came, on both occasions (with different sets of friends), it was split equally, three ways.

If the positions were reversed, I would have been sensitive enough to suggest we carve it up so that the person in my position only paid for what they actually ordered.

Do people think this is reasonable? And if so, any suggestions as to how I might be able to raise it without making an issue about it?

I didn't say anything on either occasion. It annoyed me that I ended up subsidising other people's choices at a time when I am financially stretched.

I don't want to cut myself off from all social contact with my friends, but would rather not let this happen again.

zippychick

Funny, I was discussing this earlier and i totally understand

Why not say at the start of the night " listen i am on a really tight budget and this is embarassing but do you mind if i keep my bill separate? I just need to watch the pennies" I'm sure if they are good friends they will understand.

I would say by getting it out of the way, you avoid embarassment later on when the bill comes.

Good luck.

Also, you may be sensitive to it , having been made recently redudant, but if you had not been , it may not have crossed your mind. I am sure your friends genuinely havent "thought" about it and conscioulsly made you pay over your quota.

dieselhead

Personally the suggestion above sounds perfect, however, I have to admit I'm quite surprised this came up as when going out with my friends we always just pay for what we have had. No-one is petty about it, we tend to just pass the bill around and do a rough calculation, what's left from the rounding up is generally the tip. Perhaps its because all my friends are strapped for cash!

ceridwen

Certainly I would go down the route of making it plain at the beginning of the evening that I was only going to pay for what I actually had - whatever way I phrased it......

Before I'd read as far as your paragraph saying that you yourself would ensure that fair splitting of the bill was done if you were in your friends' position - thats exactly what I was thinking. To put it more accurately - I was thinking "what sort of friends wouldnt automatically think of this themselves when they know their friend has just been made redundant?". In fact - I'm now recalling that when I was made redundant for the first time a group of friends promptly proposed that we all have dinner out - and I found I wasnt allowed to pay for anything - and I didnt even know them that well...

spaghetti_monster

I've had this problem before - when I was younger (and not earning much, which is still the case ), I'd eat out now and again with some friends who were much better off. I'd order (like you) something I like, but with an eye on the pennies - then watch as they went mad. After a few bottles of wine and several cocktails (:eek:), no-one could be bothered to fiddle around, they'd just want to split the bill evenly.
Maybe it was a combination of being quite young, being faced with a large number of happy slightly-drunk people; I just shut-up and paid.
One of my closest friends in the group (and much more forthright!) cottoned on to this and would shout something out to the effect that I'd only had a main course/dessert/one beer/whatever, was giving £15 and here it was.

I agree with zippychick - try to say something before the dinner. Or if it's a big group, say something to your closest friends, those sitting next to you. I really think people don't mind. Nowadays I would say I do what dieselhead does - pass the bill around, estimate what you owe. If you round up the pence as you go you've usually got enough for a tip.

I live in Holland and my OH (Dutch and typically a bit tight and blunt) would be laughing at this dilemma. He would have absolutely no problem in this situation - just say exactly what you want to do. I'm more typically English and diplomatic (;)), and I think that there's a general characteristic to think it's a bit rude to rock the boat.
Sometimes it's a breath of fresh air - you don't have to be rude or blunt, but just say what you think and people don't mind at all.

peachyprice

When we go out as a group we tend to split the bill equally between us, however, if one of us hasn't ordered as much, is driving, isn't hungry etc., we'll usually halve their bit and increase all the others by a couple of £ each.

If any of us are particularly strapped for cash, which has happened on many an occasion, we'll bring it up as soon as we sit down along the lines of 'Look girls, I've only got £x to spend to night, so I'm not having a starter/wine etc' so there's no embarassment when the bill comes.

The key is to be upfront from the begining, if they're friends they'll understand.

PasturesNew

What annoys me in these situations is when you've sat and had just the main meal and a jug of water ... while everybody else ordered starters, wine, king prawn everything plus extras they never ate, more wine, coffee, couple of brandies .... then when you point out you spent £8 so here's £10 ... they make out YOU are being tight, or unfair. It's the greedy !!!!!!!!!!s that are the tight/unfair ones.

I don't know how to solve it. I always pay for myself when I go out, even if I have to dig my heels in (because if I am sat there with just £10 in my pocket I can 't split the bill and magic up £20-25 out of thin air).... but they do make you feel like !!!!!!.

We need a phrase that says "It's FAIR that we all pay for what we had - so the freeloading b4stards among us don't get a chance to ponce by bullying others to pay for it ... "

SugarSpun

I'd just be upfront from the start - even say, Hey, do you mind if I get a separate bill because I'm a bit strapped at the moment and need to watch what I'm spending?

I'm pretty ambivalent on the splitting the bill - if there's a vast discrepancy between what I've ordered and what other people/one other person has ordered then I'll probably notice. If everyone else is having wine and I'm not, and I can afford it, I'll treat myself and have dessert where they might not.

Having said that, I once went out to lunch with a friend of mine. We both ate soup, salad and juice (exactly the same price, although different soup/juice). The bill came and I said something like, ok so that's €7 each with tip. She snatched it from me and checked to make sure she wasn't overpaying. I resented the hell out of the implication that I was stealing from my friend.

Spendless

I've had the situation where at the end of the meal a couple refused to split the bill like everyone else was doing and only put in the money for 1 main meal cos the partner hadn't ordered one, totally ignoring the fact that the pair of them had sat all night drinking double brandies, me who had had a main meal had drank tap water. I would say in that case we subsidised them. For that reason I would go with zippychick has said and ask for a seperate bill.

ceridwen

PasturesNew wrote: »

We need a phrase that says "It's FAIR that we all pay for what we had - so the freeloading b4stards among us don't get a chance to ponce by bullying others to pay for it ... "

I think the phrase you want Pastures is "Lets all just go dutch". I presume people still use this phrase.

I'm sitting here a bit surprised that this dilemma exists - I think I must know a nicer group of people - as the ones I know automatically assume that we're all going dutch and sometimes its all one can do to pay for your own share (as they're determined to treat you).

My work colleagues on the other hand - well....thats a whole different story and part of the reason I'm not interested in going out socialising with a group of them - as a lot of them seem to have the other attitude (ie "lets just split the bill").

Maybe the reason the people I know take a different attitude is that I tend to be attracted to less materialistic/more socially-conscious people automatically - and its standard practice in those "circles" to take into consideration peoples varying income levels.

The only equivalent dilemma in my "circle" is the "bring food to share" one that a few people will only bring one persons worth of food (despite being a couple) - but thats a rare one - as most people accept that they are to bring at least one person's worth of food each in those circumstances (and if its an alcoholic occasion that its a bottle of booze each or bring extra food) - and its usually a case at the end of a meal like that for those who feel most "in need" (for whatever reason - time or money wise) to take away any left to use up.

"Freeriders" get into any "circle" of people - but I think the idea of "bringing food to share" minimises the chances of that happening. Perhaps you could propose to your friends that - rather than going to a restaurant - that you each bring a "dish" and a "bottle" and share whatever turns up together. It usually seems to balance out pretty well between those who always bring a savoury dish and those who always bring a pudding. It doesnt even have to mean cooking if one doesnt have the time - if I have the time then I will make up a savoury or pudding dish (enough for say 4 peoples portions worth) and take a bottle of wine or cider (if applicable). If I dont have time - then I'll just take a loaf of "nice" bread and packet of butter and packet of decent cheese with it - and thats equally acceptable.

The other possibility is one I did for a while of me cooking up a meal (in sufficient quantities to allow for a couple of unexpected guests too) and invited a few friends. I provided the food - their part was to tell me in advance if they were bringing a friend with them and for them (and any friends) to bring a bottle of booze each. It was known for someone to take a look at how much food was left and ring up a friend and tell them to come round if they hadnt eaten yet (as there was plenty left for someone else as well)- which did happen a couple of times (and accepted at that point that they wouldnt be bringing the "entrance fee" bottle of booze).

Becles

I was on a YTS scheme when I was 16 and earning about £20 a week. The ladies I worked with went out together for a meal and a natter once every couple of months and I was invited to go.

As I didn't have much money, I only ordered a cheap main course and made one glass of coke last all night. Most of the others had two or three courses, plus copious amounts of alcohol was ordered. When the bill came, it was just divided between the amount of people on the table and I ended up paying more than double the cost of what I'd ordered. As I was so young, I felt too embarrassed to speak up, so I just paid up and then made excuses when I was asked to go again