Making life tolerable? Possible or not a chance?

Twoducklings

GettingHitched wrote: »

Twoducklings, ive just read this thread, am im shedding a few tears for you. Im sorry that someone is having to live with such a selfish brute.

Please seek professional help or a refuge. If not for your sake, then for your kids.

Im sending you and your babies a big hug and a mug of tea xx

I didn't mean to make you upset. Really sorry about that.

Lobell

Twoducklings wrote: »

tHank you again all. Lobell, I didn't know I could apply for housing without his knowledge. I thought it wouldn'e be possible as I would be making my self intentionally homeless? Does anyone know if this would be true? Thank you so much.

Twoducklings - I work in social housing so can speak from a position of some knowledge having been on the assessing end of homeless applications. You would absolutely not be considered as intentionally homeless because of the domestic abuse - it is a very valid and 'acceptable' reason for becoming homeless.

Personally, I would speak to Womens Aid or Refuge before making the application for housing as they will be able to best advise you as to how to do it and the best way to work with your Local Authority to protect your confidentiality. They are experts in the field and should be able to offer advise and assistance at every step of the process without you ever having to set foot in a refuge or hostel.

GettingHitched

Twoducklings wrote: »

I didn't mean to make you upset. Really sorry about that.

I know you didnt sweetie, but reading about you and your poor kids is really horrible. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.

Please get in touch with the womens refuge, and make your escape. If money is bothering you, take a wonder over to the "up your income" board, and Moneysaving Old Style..

carefullycautious

Ive never heard of gaslighting before but understand that mental abuse of this nature goes on. Its almost as if he wants the relationship to end but is too much of a coward to do it himself, making you the one to end it so he can blame you.

When you say you have no money what about the child allowance you get. Can you not use this to take your daughter on a train journey. Im afraid I could not live like this and would be having strong words with him. If he did not give me housekeeping money at the least for all the work i put in, I would be out of there.

He has worn you down, you need help from womens aid please take the advise of others and do it tommorrow. What is there left for you if you dont?

God what a selfish bully

PS I would be at the car boot sale tommorrow selling off his gadgets to get money for my kids. Good job hes not married to me

BitterAndTwisted

I think it might be time for some of our posters to rent the film "Gaslight". I watched it on TV as a child and it put the fear of God into me.

consultant31

I don't think I've ever read a sadder post. Though I do feel terribly sorry for you OP, I feel even sorrier for your poor children. It's dreadful to think of them being excited to see their daddy then to get no resonse from him, time after time after time!

If you're frightened of leaving him for your own sake, please leave him for the children's.........before they're old enough to see how badly he treats you all.

(((hugs))) to all of you.

*Paris*

I don't normally visit this section of the forum, but I feel like I have to comment.

Your husband sounds like a pig! Don't blame yourself for anyone elses bad behaviour. Nobody deserves to be ignored, or spoken down to, a relationship is about both people caring for one another.

Please get an appointment at somewhere like the Citizens Advice Bureau, you can take a list of questions and then you can find out where you stand - even if you decide to stay with your husband, it doesn't do any harm to know what to do if you should decide to leave.

Good luck & hugs xxx

dotstar24

((((hugs)))) to the OP. I hope whatever you decide, you are happier than you are now xxx

ceridwen

An unhappy situation - I can see that....

Playing devils advocate a bit....I can understand why he's leaving the debt for you to deal with (as you say that you are the one that incurred it). The children - I dont know...I honestly dont know....one would expect a father to WANT to spend time bonding with his children (ie bathing them/caring for them generally/having fun with them) - but I cant "see through my computer screen" to see whether he was equally involved with planning whether and when to have them - only you know that. If he had his "say" as to whether to have any in the first place - and said "I want them too" and when to have them "I also want to have them now" - then he should be playing a fatherly role with them and doing his share. Its not clear what the situation is here from what I've read so far....so its not possible to see what is fair in the circumstances...as those circumstances arent clear.

ceridwen

Reds-on-Sea wrote: »

He sounds messed up, does he not respond to you at all? Angry/sorry/anything?? It sounds like he's completely emotionless. Maybe he's slightly Autistic, or Aspergers or something like that, again, google it (sorry, I keep telling you to google things!) anyways, one of the main traits is that they can't gauge other peoples' emotion, and so respond inappropriately. You might find some tips on finding a way to communicate with him so he understands. Sometimes it can be so bad that you can be angry/upset/crying and it just doesn't register with them at all - they don't get it.

I'm not in this situation - so forgive me if I get it wrong. BUT - I would have thought that even those who (for whatever reason) dont have the standard "emotional responses" - whether because of Aspergers/autism/whatever - would respond to a logical summing up of facts - ie "We BOTH decided that we were going to have these children and when we would have them - therefore we are BOTH responsible for them - and part of being a parent is***** YOU decided that you wanted this child too and at that point in time". If they didnt have their share in this decision - we are in a totally different ballgame.