Making life tolerable? Possible or not a chance?

lynzpower

do you have any family you culd arrange to see tomorrow??

Twoducklings

lynzpower wrote: »

do you have any family you culd arrange to see tomorrow??

: (, no family here. I'm not particularly close to my mother and my father lives in another country. I had forgotten my daughter has a birthday party for tomorrow which I almost forgot about. At least I have a present for this little boy which I bought a few months ago.

dogcat_2

I was married to a man..who sounds just the same as your OH. He would do nothing for the children, or me...'You had the children so they are your responsibility' were his words..and 'you and the kids are a milestone around my neck'. I put up with this for years....thinking as you do..that things will improve....they don't.
The only difference was I had five children...
What did I do?...I upped and left him....It wasn't easy...Infact..extremely hard.
He then made my life impossible for years after the divorce.
In the end It was worth It. I now have a new partner and another daughter...she's 11 now.
So you too can be happy. My advice Is to get out fast.

GettingHitched

Twoducklings, ive just read this thread, am im shedding a few tears for you. Im sorry that someone is having to live with such a selfish brute.

Please seek professional help or a refuge. If not for your sake, then for your kids.

Im sending you and your babies a big hug and a mug of tea xx

lil_miss_sunshine

Hi, ive read through parts of this thread and know how hard it can be as my mum and dad are going through the same kind of thing...i know its easy to say, but dont let this man make you unhappy any long - you dont deserve it! For the sake of you and your kids, if i were you i'd try and move out. Surely there has to be some help?
It will be worth it, just keep thinking about how much better your life will be after you get out of this...

xx

Reds-on-Sea

He sounds messed up, does he not respond to you at all? Angry/sorry/anything?? It sounds like he's completely emotionless. Maybe he's slightly Autistic, or Aspergers or something like that, again, google it (sorry, I keep telling you to google things!) anyways, one of the main traits is that they can't gauge other peoples' emotion, and so respond inappropriately. You might find some tips on finding a way to communicate with him so he understands. Sometimes it can be so bad that you can be angry/upset/crying and it just doesn't register with them at all - they don't get it.

renegade

I totally agree with Dogcat. I too put up with this kind of immature behaviour from my ex husband for years, turned out he had had several affairs. After consultation with my Doctor, I asked him to leave for a 2 year separation, he went and found a flat.Life was very hard until I found a job ( my 2 girls were 7 & 11) part-time 9-3pm, suited everyone, met someone at work . After the two years we met up to discuss what to do next, he said he wanted to come home and start again, I said in way was this going to happen and I wanted a divorce, he was shocked to the core I can tell you.I have never looked back and went on to do all of the things that I wanted to do, the children were happy the man I met moved in with us, all sorted happy ending.
Please dont put up with this any longer, you need to be in control of your life and without the stress he is causing you.
I would like to add that I didn't believe in divorce prior to this but if it's the only option I think you take it, you deserve something better> Good Luck.

memelalou

Please go to a womens refuge or at the very least give them a ring they can help.

I was abused as a child both mentally and physically, and in some instances sexual. The very worst of it which still gives me nightmares was the mental abuse, the name calling, the bullying, the blame and lying my step father put on my to make me look like a liar. Simular situations as you - 'That fat pig ate it', when he had. - 'no i told her she couldn't go out' - when he did. Screaming and hitting me saying i hadn't picked up my brothers and sisters from school, when he never asked me. You get the picture.
This went on from the age of 5 till 17 when i RAN away from home.

I am not saying this to hurt you because i know how hard it is, but if i could muster the courage and boy did it take some, then you can and must. If not for yourself then your children. He may not be actually hurting them YET but they see this and it will effect them.

I know you said you don't have a good relationship with your mother but hopefully though you don't get on, i bet she would rather have you with her and safe than living with that excuse for a man.

Even if you end up in a council flat and living on benifits it would be 1000% better and more healthy for you and the children than where you are now.

I hope i didn't hurt you with what i have said, but i have been there feeling so low and helpless and i would not wish it on anyone. You seem like such a lovely women, you may be lacking the confidence now and believe me it will hurt a lot more before it gets better but when your finally there it's the best feeling just being able to breathe and not feel threatened.

Best wishes x

Lobell

I don't usually comment on such personal issues but in this instance I feel I really must urge the OP to get in contact with Womens Aid/Refuge. They will be able to assist you in mapping out your options. You are already, to all intents and purposes, a single parent so you know you will be able to cope alone.

I don't wish to play down how difficult it is to leave the family home and take you children from all that is familiar but perhaps starting by making a list of pros and cons for staying in your current situation or leaving would help. Obviously there are huge 'cons' to leaving...but what about the pros? On a purely financial level, you will be entitled to benefits initially and then assistance with childcare to allow you to go to work. You will be in 'priority need' for housing as a woman with children escaping domestic abuse. Only you can decide what the emotional and psychological pros/cons might be...

You needn't even go into a hostel or refuge. You can apply for housing without your husband's knowledge. Make it clear to the local authority about your domestic abuse and they should be able to offer communication arrangements which mean that no letters will be sent to your address or phone calls made to the home. You can then leave when suitable social housing is available for you and your children. This might help to minimise the upheavel for the children.

Make that list of pros and cons and see which outweighs the other...you owe it to yourself and your children to be happy.

Twoducklings

tHank you again all. Lobell, I didn't know I could apply for housing without his knowledge. I thought it wouldn'e be possible as I would be making my self intentionally homeless? Does anyone know if this would be true? Thank you so much.