Making life tolerable? Possible or not a chance?

louise3965

He can only treat you like a doormat if you lie down and let him wipe his feet on you. But thats a hard thing to change, I know. Can you start by picking one tiny thing, like the washing for example. Tell him that unless he puts it in the basket, it will stay dirty until he does, as you are his partner, not his nanny. Then stick to it no matter what.

RoxieW

I could have written your post myself hon. My OH at times can be very lazy when it comes to the house/kids. He will sit and play on his computer all night etc. Tonight for example I had to put my foot down as having got our baby ready for bed 4 nights in a row as he was out, he said he'd do the rest of the week. Well, he did yesterday - tonight he went to lie on the sofa and go to sleep. NOTHING infuriates me more than this. I'm tired. Heck, I'm exhausted. I'm up with the baby in the night not him. But when he's 'tired' everyone else can go jump. Lord, I wish I could jack in my responsibilities just as easily. Every morning I wish I could pull the covers over my head and have a rest day - but i have to get up and carry on - on call 24hrs - cos if I dont noone is going to pick up the slack for me.
Similar to your OH, mine put his dish on the side tonight - instead of takinf 2 seconds to put it in the dishwasher. I find this attitude just sooooooo frustrating and annoying. It makes me feel taken for granted and a bit of a mug tbh.
However, my OH also has his good points. He works hard and provides financial. He isnt funny with money and pretty much what I want for me or the kids I get. He's affectionate, loving, handsome, funny and loyal.
Does your OH have any redeeming features? What attracted you to him in the first place? Try to focus on his good points - he must have some surely?
I'm afraid I dont have any magic answer. I try to 'not sweat the small stuff' ie where he leaves his washing etc and try to focus on the bigger picture. His good points and the fact that I want our children to be in a loving 2 parents family. Is he loving towards you? Loyal? Etc. Everyone has their faults - I have plenty.
However if your relationship is really loveless then I'd get out sooner rather than later. You only get one chance at life after all.

RoxieW

Just trying to give a flip perspective - If I was in bed, trying to have a nap and my OH knew this - I'd be annoyed if he went and got in the bath and I had to get up and see to the kids. Howeve,r if you got in the bath first, then he decides to close his eyes on the sofa then thats different.

Twoducklings

a lot of replies. Thank you. Sorry it has taken me all day to get on here to update you all. I am useless at quoting and replying if you know what I mean. About my husband we met through my elder brother a few years ago. We did fall in love and now it seems we have fallen out of love. He isn't loving towards me and it's never more obvious when he leaves for work in the morning. He gives the children a kiss and completely blanks me. I didn't mean to word the children as just being mine. He of course fathered them but of late I have never felt so alone, empty and without support I tend to use that term. Today, he packed a bag and I thought he was going away only to find he came back? I don't know what that was all about. When I said he would be upset if he knew I was telling all and sundry about our problems - that would be something he would say but in all honestly not care that it's resorted to this. Today was very much a struggle for me. I always try not to cry in front of the children and as soon as I had given them a bath and put them to bed I had tears in my bed pillow. Leaving his laundry everywhere other than in the wash basket is sometimes annoying. I suppose it wouldn't be if he could do minor things around the house and I wouldn't even be expecting something everyday just now and again would be helpful. He does in all honesty expect me to cook, clean, and pay the debt on my cc with thin air. I know that I'm a low priority for him and it hurt a lot when he told me that he doesn't see why he should take time off from work for my appointments - i.e the dentist and I have an appointment soon at the hospital.... this sort of appointment is not appropriate for children). And now I have that to sort out. Does everyone see why I feel as I do? Have nowhere to run and nowhere to go.
Hope this general post has filled in the gaps for the above questions.

lynzpower

Oh hun.

No everyone does not feel as you do.

He OH does leave his underwear about and he does have some v anoying traints ( helping with the laundry,-theres a reason why its my job - put a silk nightie in a hot wash) I just tell him he needs to buy me a new one

I know i am not a "low priority". He never ever ever "blanks" me unless we really have had a major row,- rare- we both need a bit of space. THis usually lasts foran hour till one of us cracks and lopes to the other " I hate falling out with you can we best mates again" My OH frequentlytells me im the most important thing in the world, we tell each other welove each other every day and hand holding ,cudding & snuggling is totally the norm.

he told me that he doesn't see why he should take time off from work for my appointments - i.e the dentist and I have an appointment soon at the hospital.... this sort of appointment is not appropriate for children). And now I have that to sort out. Does everyone see why I feel as I do?

I feel so sorry for you. You seem to feel worse than a single parent, you have to do everything on your own, but also get grief and emotional negativity into the bargain.

Have you asked him why he is like this, Im serious when I tell you that not all relationships are like this. If it doesnt make you feel happy or secure then I wonder what the point is.

Hugs to you

Liquorice_Twirls

So sad for4 you Twoducklings, and I have to say that this does sound like domestic abuse. He seems to be using financial abuse (keeping you short of money and not helping you sort out reasonable debts), emotional abuse ( shouting and swearing at you and blaming you) and psychological abuse (moving your razor and yes this is gaslighting - it confuses and starts to make you think you're going mad).

Don't try to change yourself - you've been to the Doctors and there is nothing "wrong" with you - it's him and he is the only person that can change that. You don't deserve to have your self-esteem knocked down like this. It makes it hard to believe you have value and can actually have a life of your own.

Why not have a look on these sites and see if it makes more sense to you:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dominator.htm

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/wheel.htm

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1294&itemTitle=Support+for+survivors


Domestic abuse (or domestic violence as some call it) does not have to include violence to a partner. Different tactics are used and some abusers only use emotional abuse or financial abuse. The common theme though is that it is done in a bid to control the other eg keeping you short of money stops you from taking your kids out, not minding kids when you've an appointment stops you going to it

Take care, you deserve more than a tolerable life, you deserve a life that is richly filled with love and laughter and hope x

Twoducklings

these links are useful Liquorice Twirls. I still had to look into the gaslighting thing. I had never heard of it and now I get the picture. A bit slow on the uptake. As someone else already said you only have one life and that life should be filled with love and laughter. For me now it's just an existence but not a life. My husband knows how hurt I am, he sees the tears sometimes but he doesn't care because he hates me. As for relate I forgot to touch on that yesterday. We did a course a few years ago, worked through and sorted out our issues. He cut it short by a session or two because he felt it was a waste of money. Money really does make the world go around and when you don't have it just stops.Thank you so much everyone for replying to me.

lynzpower

As for relate I forgot to touch on that yesterday. We did a course a few years ago, worked through and sorted out our issues. He cut it short by a session or two because he felt it was a waste of money. Money really does make the world go around and when you don't have it just stop

Again, I feel sorry for you here.

When I fuirst joined this site I was in a lot of debt, from uni. Once I understood I needed to cut back to pay it off, we had a lot less disposable. However, we still had a lot of fun, wentto freefestivals, went for cheap weekends away on the coach with £1 funfares, picnics, long walks, free exhibitions and free cinema tickets and sharing portion of chips on the way home! Not havingmoney is no excuse for a poor relationship. Money cant buy love.

What do your freinds and famiy think of him, are you keeping in contact with them?

Pee

I do think leaving the father of your children is a very serious step and not very likely to be the right one, however I do wonder if yours may be one case where it is better to leave.

First of all, I think you need to feel like you have an option and the domestic abuse refuge info and the benefits checker on here should help you see what your financial options are if you left. It must be financially possible for you to leave and I can't see how you would be financially any more disadvantages than you are now.

Is it possible for you to make savings in your grocery shopping - see the very good old style threads - and use that money to pay off some of the credit card.

Is working at all an option for you, perhaps when the children go back to school, if there was a termtime position?

If your husband is working, then I can understand why he feels the home is up to you. I don't think that is entirely fair, and things like bathing the children should be shared, because they are actually fun! If you spoke to him about it, do you think he would say that he feels he never does it right, so he leaves it to you. I'm not sure the best way of approaching this, but there are often two ways of doing something and the one you use and prefer may not be much better than another way. Let him do some things his way, within reason.

I don't know how the doctor can rule out depression, because if you feel trapped, surely you are bound to have some issues with depression... I am sure that if you felt that there was a way out, you would feel much better, even if you didn't need to take the way out.

Relate is a very good idea, as is anything that can help you remember why you got together in the first place. Could you try a date night? It may not work but if you make an effort with him, he might make an effort with you. Do you think that this would work?

Can you try telling him clearly what you want, please bath the children, please take the children to the park for half an hour, and thank him when he has done this?

Only you know whether his behaviour is likely to change and whether he is feeling left out as a father or is a mean and miserable man you would be best away from.

You say you met him through your brother. Could you talk to your brother and see whether he could assist with a male perspective.

ailuro2

Keep a diary of your thoughts, incidents, denial of money for kids to go places.

imho it sounds like not letting you pay off the credit card is a punishment for leaving him before, and of course a means to stop you leaving again.

As usual, make sure you have a copy of household finances as they currently stand, copies of any passports, driving licences etc so you can get them reinstated if they suddenyl 'disappear' should you decide to leave.

Make an appointment to sit down and talk to each other. Write down waht you want to say, and if he's not listening then you can hand him the notes and let him read through it.

It sounds like h e realises things are almost over and is trying to hang on by keeping you under the thumb as it were, because it would cost him money to maintain his kids if they weren't with him.

Of course we don't know either of you, maybe he is depressed and hates being in debt and wishes you could get a job to pay it off to take it off of his shoulders.

Good Luck, i feel you need all the luck you can get.