Making life tolerable? Possible or not a chance?

Sarah_Joanne

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

It honestly sounds like you would be better off without him, as he seems to be no help or comfort to you.

I know you think it wouldn't be possible for you to leave but there is help out there for people like you. You should not have to simply exist - you should be living your life and enjoying your children.

Do you have any family you can talk to?

:grouphug: Have a dodgy hug from me, it sounds like you need one

It sounds to me like this relationship is abusive, not in a violent way, but emotioanlly abusive. I agree with the earlier post that by not allowing you to pay off your credit card (i.e. not helping you as you have no imcome) he is punishing you for leaving him before. And it can't be any good for your children when they want to spend quality time with him and he refuses.

I really feel for you and I wish there was something more I could do for you

Sarah x

Ellie67

Five years ago, I had a life exactly the same as yours twoducklings. I finally cracked when I was exhausted, penniless and eventually bruised. I went to a Women's Aid hostel and got my life back. I know your hubby doesn't hit you, but I reared my 3 very young kids at the time on my own. I took a double buggy and a 4 year old with me to the hospital one time to have a mole removed because he refused to mind them and just like you I had to give up the chance to study in the evening because again he wouldn't mind them. When I was gone he was sorry and I saw him for what he was. Don't let money stand in the way of you reclaiming your life. I worked full-time and I didn't have a penny to my name and actually had quite a lot of debt. As RoxieW says Domestic Abuse isn't all about physical violence, some of it is more suble than that. You have to weigh up the pros and cons of leaving or why not ask him to leave?

bundly

I agree 100% with Liquorice.

Relate cannot help you. This man is abusive to you. He's too far gone. He does not deserve you. You need to get out of this relationship. Tell him you want a divorce. I understand that you will get custody and you will get to stay in the home and he will have to leave. If he does not liek the sound of this he can try to mend his ways, but 99% of men once they have got into this habitual way of living DO NOT CHANGE and you will never, ever, change him either.

Every year, every month, every day you stay with this man is a waste of your life. And you have only ONE life, never forget that.

If he isn't helping you with the chores etc then he is part of the problem. Just another child for you to run around after.

Lots of women HAVE got out of these kinds of situations. So can you. It's not hopeless.

bundly

viktory wrote: »

Personally, I do agree that SAHM should do all the chores

But why should the working husband put in 8 hours a day and the SAHM be on duty 24 hours a day -- three times as many hours?

If the man puts in 8 hrs the woman should put in 8 hrs. So bathing the children in the evening isn't HER job any more than it's HIS job!

Twoducklings

Hello and thanks for getting back to me with more advice. It's always helpful. Well today was okay (I haven't been in tears). It sort of occured to me that I am so shut inside that it's far easier to fake a smile than to let anyone in on what's really going on inside. I took our daughter to play with a school friend today and that was nice. When we got back he was home and our son was so excited to see him. He didn't even notice him walking behind him wanting to be picked up : (. My daughter wanted daddy to give them a bath and he said no I will tomorrow? We shall see because if I know him he will come home purposefully late to avoid this and then walk in when everything is done. This is his way. She also at one point asked if he could read her a story and he said I can't I have to get things ready for work (he had nothing to get ready). They are his kids and other than kissing them goodbye surely as part of a fathers role is to play and read with them even if it's just for 5 minutes in the evening? I don't know any other man that's like this. Like I said before his refusal for these things meant I did it. I don't mind at all but I hurts me to see him always fobbing them off. We have barely spoken about anything. I did ask if he would be around for my hospital appointment and he said he isn't allowed to take leave. I don't know what I am going to do but I may ask a mother from school if she could help me out? The stress from my credit card is eating away at me. Having read up on gaslighting now I can see that I am a victim. I can't run because of it. I disagree about my husband nursing wounds from when I left. He drove me to. He had an affair, I found out and the fighting never stopped... at that point I was on anxiety medication to help me function and save me from losing my job. Please don't judge me on giving this man another chance... I am kicking myself and wondering why I am so stupid that I can't get away...

Twoducklings

Ellie67 wrote: »

Five years ago, I had a life exactly the same as yours twoducklings. I finally cracked when I was exhausted, penniless and eventually bruised. I went to a Women's Aid hostel and got my life back. I know your hubby doesn't hit you, but I reared my 3 very young kids at the time on my own. I took a double buggy and a 4 year old with me to the hospital one time to have a mole removed because he refused to mind them and just like you I had to give up the chance to study in the evening because again he wouldn't mind them. When I was gone he was sorry and I saw him for what he was. Don't let money stand in the way of you reclaiming your life. I worked full-time and I didn't have a penny to my name and actually had quite a lot of debt. As RoxieW says Domestic Abuse isn't all about physical violence, some of it is more suble than that. You have to weigh up the pros and cons of leaving or why not ask him to leave?

I'm using the quote thing, hope I have done it right. About him leaving. He would never, not even for the sake of the kids. He also can't pay our mortgage and another place for himself. Perhaps if I was in work it would be different. I am on the INternet and this hour trying to find a job that's weekends as I can't work any other time. Childcare costs so much and while I love looking after them working for £2.50 a week after paying for care isn't going to help me. I really hope I get something soon.

Twoducklings

lynzpower wrote: »

Again, I feel sorry for you here.

When I fuirst joined this site I was in a lot of debt, from uni. Once I understood I needed to cut back to pay it off, we had a lot less disposable. However, we still had a lot of fun, wentto freefestivals, went for cheap weekends away on the coach with £1 funfares, picnics, long walks, free exhibitions and free cinema tickets and sharing portion of chips on the way home! Not havingmoney is no excuse for a poor relationship. Money cant buy love.

What do your freinds and famiy think of him, are you keeping in contact with them?

At long last I figured out how the quote funcion works. I share your sentiments Lynzpower and I have researched anything free that can do. I agree money can't buy love but it can drive a wedge so far in any relationship that making a recovery is disimal.

I have been thinking a lot and can actually remember at time I was so happy... it feels like decades ago. What a long road I have yet to travel to get myself back to me.

rachel6188

huni...iv got no real advice just huge hugs.....it is abuse no matter what and you should not have to put up with it.
love rach xxx

Twoducklings

I know Rachel, I should not have to and wish I didn't have to. I have just read another post about arguments and some of ours are to do with him being selfish. He is at work all week and I know it must be stressful at times but sometimes over weekend or on a bank holiday why can't he take the children out. He has a bank card and I on the other hand am petrified to use my debit card as any day now it will be declined. My little girl wants to have a train trip not for all day just somewhere nearby and this I can't do. I thought about emailing my husband but like many times before it remains unanswered. What a !!!!!! time. Sorry for depressing everyone else with my sordid problems.

bundly

I think you will regret not splitting from him now. You will end up doing so in the end, and by then you will have wasted so much life.

It's not just about you.

Don't you ever think about the damage that is being done to the children, having a father like this? You might be able to just about survive through it, but the situation could be setting them up for psychological problems in the future.

You can do it. Our society now protects women like you and none has to stay with an abusive man.

Its irrelevant what he thinks he can afford. You will get the family home and he will have to live in a bedsit.