Making life tolerable? Possible or not a chance?

Twoducklings

I'm writing under another username as my husband knows the one I have always used on here. I have been a member of MSE for almost 3 years and have just over 1000 thanks : ). I wondered if anyone could help me with my dilemma? I have two children and have been married for a few years. Most of the time not happy. Now though it's come to a point where I don't know myself anymore. We have had problems on and off for years now and it's made worse because I am not in work and have no money coming in to make an escape any easier. I have a credit card that I have doing my best to pay off. My account is in the negative and I am stressed to my wits end with this debt. As far as my husband is concerned I created it so it's my problem. I will be honest and tell you the debt accumulated to help with living costs when I left with our kids a few years ago. The money on it was never ever used for luxuries of any kind.
For the time being I look after the children, clean, cook and doing absolutely everything. My husband on the other hand sees life as he goes to work so doesn't have to help with anything not even the children. Each day is the same he comes home and plugs his laptop in and thats his evenings entertainment. I'm sure someone may suggest I have depression or anxiety but I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and that was ruled out. I think things are a lot worse for me as I don't have any friends either. I talk to mums at play clubs etc but that's it really. Sorry if this post is all over the place but life is so sad when I have to tell everything on heart to people in a public forum.

Another matter that makes me feel useless is when my husband complains and shouts about things I had nothing to do with. Over the weekend he yelled at me to get out the bath because our son was crying and he was trying to have a nap! I feel so trapped and don't know which way to turn. I found a job which was working nights but had to let it go because he couldn't get home in time for me to go to work in the evenings. Does anyone else live like this? I have seen it mentioned before that sometimes people are called trolls on here? I can assure you I am not one of them and the man I am married to really is like this. I have been shouted at and sworn at in front of his family and he did this once in front of my brother. Each time this happens it's always my fault. He can and will justify whatever nasty thing he does. At one point he went through a phase of moving my razor aroud he bathroom which I found childish and stupid. A lot of the time he will put his dirty clothes next to the laundry basket but not in it? He doesn't where his wedding ring anymore because I don't - mine haven't fitted since I had our youngest... but I'm sure they will soon. He is always hammering on about how we don't have any money and that we must make more cuts on things. We have done all that but even so if he really wants something he will have it. He bought a new laptop recently which cost a few hundred pounds. I was so anygry when it turned up. We already have a few computers and laptops that this one was definitely not needed. I look at that and wonder why am I doing this? It's the school holidays and I don't have any money to take my kids out and I feel so ashamed. He doesn't see this as being an outing for them but rather that I would be blowing money. We can only do so much at home before being around the same four walls gets borning. I have found everything free we could do but it's not throughout the holidays. I know we don't always have to do something but a few little things would be so nice.

Before I came on here under another username I thought about my life and a lot of other things. They only reason I am able to get on with it is for my two kids. They mean everything and more to me and I love them so much that I want them to be as happy as can be. Everything else well that's all a disaster. If my husband finds this post then I know he will be angry and hurt because I didn't talk to him. It's what he says not what he means. I have to wonder how I let this happen... it just seems a mystery and sometimes I feel so tired of living that it's the children that give me a will to carry on. If he gets home ontime the children want him to give them a bath. More often that not it causes arguments or he gets persuasive making me take over. I do bathime in the evenings but when he's home I can't see why he can't or won't. It seems selfish to me. He dressed the youngest one yesterday and I said sorry I forgot to mention you need to apply aqueous cream the doctor said and he said here you can do it! I just thought is that being vindictive or lazy. I'm sorry this is so wrong but I just wondered how I could try and make the best out of the situation I am in.

dizzyg_2

I really feel for you. You sound as if you feel trapped and everything is getting on top of you.

Do you think your marriage can be saved and do you want to? I know it might seem as if you don't have many options at the minute but life is too short to just settle for tolerable.

HariboJunkie

Twoducklings wrote: »

I just wondered how I could try and make the best out of the situation I am in.

I think you have to change the situation, not just make the best of it. Have you talked to him at all? Would he consider going to Relate?

Take care. x

belfastgirl23

Do you and your husband talk at all? It sounds to me like you are both fighting the same battle (especially with regard to debt) but you're both doing it entirely alone. The fact that you think he would be upset if he saw your post says a lot - at least he does still care about your relationship!

Actually I sort of think you are also helping to create the problem by bottling so much up and not talking to him about it. What is it stopping you from doing this? A lot of the problems you are identifying above are pretty much within the normal range of irritations in a relationship but I'd guess that your underlying feeling of not being valued means that all of these (relatively) small issues are magnified a lot. I think you need to talk to him but above all to listen to him to hear why he is behaving like he is. Is he still nursing a wound that you left him? Is he struggling to keep the family's head above water?

Yes this means opening up to him and probably being hurt by him, at least at the start when you're trying to move forward. To me, it helps a lot if you focus on telling him how you feel rather than on his behaviour as such. If you are feeling upset he has to listen whereas if you are telling him what he has done wrong, his focus will be on defending himself and his actions.

But one way or another you need to talk!

delain

*hug* x good luck to you... i think you should talk to him!

diable

You need to stand up for yourself, if he leaves his clothes outside of the laundry basket then leave them there and don''t wash them, he will soon get the message. I am a man and a relationship is a partnership (man thinks he is boss but not really) so you need to set the rules and stick to them.

*Louise*

There's a lot of stuff there, can I ask you something:

If you could describe in just one sentence what is getting to you most about him - what would you say?


I will get back to this thread tomorrow x

viktory

Twoducklings wrote: »

A lot of the time he will put his dirty clothes next to the laundry basket but not in it?

My husband does this all the time I just refuse to wash the clothes until they are in the basket.

Seriously, it sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious heart to heart - or even go to relate. Personally, I do agree that SAHM should do all the chores but your husband expecting you to get out of the bath to tend to your son is extracting the urine somewhat.

You need to start calmly talking to your husband and consider your options carefully. Tell him you are considering leaving, see what he says. He might not realise things are so bad for you.

lynzpower

I must admit I find this rather baffling that the children seem to be *yours*.

He bought a new laptop recently which cost a few hundred pounds. I was so anygry when it turned up. We already have a few computers and laptops that this one was definitely not needed. I look at that and wonder why am I doing this? It's the school holidays and I don't have any money to take my kids out and I feel so ashamed.

This is the bit Im sad by. How can any father fill his own and let his kids go without. My dad would have been devastated not to have had enough money for even a cheap nights camping away, and there was always petrol in the carto drive to the beach, go to a museum etc. Laterly when we had more money it would be theme parks holidays away, but we had that moeny because my parents went without, saying that spending money on the kids ( not spoiling, but educational, a round of crazy golf, entry to a musum) in the holidays.

i cant believe thechildren are paid for "by you" and the credit card, yet he doesnt seem to want to carefor them, bath them, play with them, or even pu cream on them. Does he have a dysfunctional relationship withhis own parents that might explain this??

Im sorry butif this were my relationshiop, Id be heading for the door, unless he showed real impetus to change.

Bering shouted at and sworn at for no reason is simply unacceptable, and I would see as a real slippery slope. My OH leaves his socks on the floor last night, but Ill forgive him as he cooked dinner, loaded the DW, hoovered and mopped all downstairs and changed the bedsheets.

Has he becomeworse, over time? Orhas he always expected you to do all housework etc.

Reds-on-Sea

Twoducklings wrote: »

At one point he went through a phase of moving my razor aroud he bathroom which I found childish and stupid.

Have you ever heard of "Gaslighting"? research it. It sounds like an awful situation and you don't deserve to be treated like this. What kind of man doesn't want his kids to be happy !!!!!!? I hope he realises what he's putting at risk before it's too late.

Dinah93

You seem really unhappy, have you considered calling Relate to make an appointment with them to talk about how you are feeling about the relationship?

Have you also sat down with your husband and told him how you feel? Some of the things you mention seem so insanely petty, but if they are getting to you then it is probably a symptom of something bigger you need to see if you can resolve.