The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

mokba43

Tea, i think you seriously need some time to take it all in and think of what's next.
As for husband eating crisps in bed... I wish we had a spare room, every time he gets home after a gig he finds the smelliest noisiest thing to eat in bed and drives the dogs wild!! Grrr!!

Part_Mouse

Tea sorry to hear things arn't good with your oh I know you've not been happy for awhile such a tricky situation to be in.

Lucy I hope all goes well for you.

Mrs happy how exciting for you with your business, I really hope your next treatment is sucessful

tea_lover

Without meaning to be over-personal, have any of you had relationship counselling? I did go to relate once with my ex-husband but it was 12 years ago and a v odd situation - tbh I don't remember much about it.

Part of me thinks if we've got to this stage then what is the point in bothering? I can't get OH to muster up the enthusiasm to put clothes away, or ask me how I am after a m/c - do I really think he's going to show much commitment about counselling? But then part of me thinks it's cheaper than trying to buy him out of the mortgage!

BugglyB

I do have some experience of relationship counselling tea lover.

You have to both agree that there is something you need help to get over and both sign up for it wholeheartedly otherwise there is no point.

I think its helpful to see it more as learnng tools to communicate rather than actually sorting out problems, if that makes sense.

As with most counselling you sometimes need to try one or two counsellors before you find a helpful one.

I can give you specifics by PM if you want, of my experience with it all.

On a general note you sound so unhappy at the moment, its heartbreaking. I wonder if even if you are successful in conceiving and giving birth whether you will be able to get over the hurt, anger and resentment you feel towards your other half?

Give yourself permission to break up with him and leave if thats what you want. Yes you will be single and childless at 35 but you may find yourself happier than married and childless. Forgive my plain talking but that is what we are here on these threads for isn't it.

(eating crisps in bed is justifiable grounds for homocide, in my opinion, just saying )

Rowingirl

Good luck today lucy, hope they collect lots of good eggs.

Hugs tea

tea_lover

BugglyB wrote: »

I wonder if even if you are successful in conceiving and giving birth whether you will be able to get over the hurt, anger and resentment you feel towards your other half?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there Buggly. There's been some truly sh.itty behaviour over the years which I've really done my best to forgive but I think I've reached my limit. I'm not sure I can ever forgive the way he behaved during and after ICSI and the m/c. I'm sure I could have spoken to a stranger in the street and got more concern than I got from him.

I can forgive him for cheating on me for years. I don't think I can forgive him for leaving me to have a m/c on my own while he went away for the weekend, then saying I was being unreasonable for complaining about it.

SewIt_2

thanks everyone for such a warm welcome!

my OH got given a little pot from the GP which he had to drop off at our local hospital within an hour of collecting it (ahem!) I think he had two tests, a month or two apart. Honestly, the way he went on about it, you'd think he had the hard part!!

Tea Lover - I know I'm new here, but I've been lurking for a long time, so I've read your story. You seem to be having a really hard time of things, which seem to only be made harder by your OH. You need to look after yourself and your emotions, and surround yourself with people who can take care of you too. Don't stay with your OH just cause you think it will be your only chance of children, stay with him cause you want him. Lots of people meet new partners and have children very quickly and lots of single people choose to have babies! Only you can know what is right for you. Maybe you should consider some counselling yourself, or maybe a life coach to help you figure things out? (don't know if that's a bit new-agey for you though!)

TACOD - thanks for the support, I think I will be ranting lots over the coming months!

MrsHappy - I'm in Glasgow too! Have you gone with GRI and getting treatment at the Nuffield, or are you with Hope at the Nuffield? If we do decide to cycle again, we (well me really) are thinking of trying GCRM, have you had any experience of them? Best of luck with your cycle, everything crossed for you!

AFM - well I saw my counsellor yesterday, it was my last session through my work (8 free sessions, yeah!). She was more upset than I was!! She was good, but I think I really would benefit more from a fertility counsellor, so I have an appointment booked for that in sept. I am feeling a little better everyday, and am even getting excited about my holiday on Sat.

A bit naff I know, but I saw a quote on Oprah the other day that said 'you might have lost the battle, but you haven't lost the war' That is a little bit how I am feeling about this whole infertility crap right now. Round 1 to infertility but I'm not out! (just trying to work out what round two will be!)

Hugs to all!

SewIt xx

Derby2

Grrr...don't you hate it when you lose a post?

Lucy: Good luck today...I'll be thinking of you (not in a stalker way though!)
MrsH: How exciting! I can't even begin to imagine the conflicting emotions you must go through with IVF/ICSI (though I'll find out soon enough!)

Tea: My OH and I went to counselling when we had only been together a couple of years. We were constantly arguing and it was making us both miserable. We're both good about talking about Our Feelings, but we struggled to then move on from there. THB the counsellor we had was a bit wishy washy for me, but it did help us move on and 9 years later we're still together. My hubby was ready to immediately split up and had even seen the mortgage company about taking it on by himself, but in a similar way to TTC'ing, I knew I couldn't give up without knowing we had given it our best shot.

Saying that, I don't know how he could have left you to m/c on your own, and I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive that. If you have counselling and the relationship does still come to an end, perhaps it will help make that transition for you a little easier?

littleme82

Hi Tea, I really feel for you. I am only a few years younger than you. I was in a really unhappy relationship (marriage) and kept on soldiering away as you do. I went to see a counsellor on my own. The counsellor said stuff to me that I already knew but hearing it from someone else really hit it home.

I was staying in a relationship thinking, well if I left I would be on my own, no baby and what do I do next?

We eventually separated a short while later and without even looking a wonderful man came into my life. We live together and have been trying for a baby for the past year.

So please dont worry about what the future holds. Life is too short to worry. Plus if you are in a rocky place at the moment a baby will not help to mend those cracks.

If you want to chat further then PM me

I had a little moment this morning. Decided to google the fertility clinic that I will be referred to and then looked at the costs.....

I know you cannot put a price tag on a baby.

It all just seems so scary and I keep questioning why wont my body do what its meant to do?

I know we are not out this month but having had a year of nothing its what I come to expect.

xx

Primmer

Mrs Happy - good luck for next week and for the whole treatment. I really hope it works for you.

Lucy - hope EC went well/goes well today.

Tea - sending huge hugs. I cannot imagine how it must have felt to have OH go away when you were having your m/c. On the day I started bleeding and therefore had a strong indication that the ivf had not worked, my dh went out for something to eat with his daughter and I felt so alone laying in bed in pain. However, my dh was only gone a couple of hours and did straight away apologise for going out and said that he wished he hadn't gone. I know my dh found it hard to deal with not only the fact that the ivf hadn't worked but also that I was hurting so much and I think that is why he panicked and went out. I don't know if I would have forgiven him if he had been away all weekend though. The counselling could be a good idea and even if your oh does not agree, I know a lot of people have found going on their own has helped them get their own feelings right in their head. Hugs to you whatever you decide to do.

AFM - really struggling at the moment and I am 40 next month and that fact that it is now highly unlikely that I will ever be a mum is just heartbreaking. It is all I want and the one thing I can't seem to have. We cannot afford any more ivf and are in debt for the one unsuccessful ivf treatment we had and now the adoption is on at least a temporary if not permanent hold due to the debt partly casued by the ivf. I feel like I am at the end of a journey which has been so horrible and without any prize at the end. I am thinking about seeing if I can find a infertility counsellor in my area as I think it may help me try and accept things as at the moment I feel both so angry and so upset that it is all consuming.