oi what you doing here

skint_spice

we all try to do the best we can El, it's all we can do. sometimes it's just a case of looking the wrong way at the wrong person and there's nothing much you can do to change that.

elantan

well yes it was ...that was when i was in full rescuer mode lol ...oh how times have changed now lol...that was in answer to hypno sorry never saw your message skinty ...


i think though skinty you may be right and i think that was alot of the problem ...we dont come from this village ok i have lived here for 8 years ...but i dont even know my neighbours names... i dont come from here..but our son never went to school here we drove him half an hour each way every day for years (also nephew did as well) because this place has got such a bad reputation and i didnt want him involved in that ...so we spent alot of time on the motorway driving to make sure he was out of the place ...then ...he got the house he lived in ...in the roughest part of the village (which was at one point ...and may still be for all i know the worst village in Scotland) he moves in ...no one knows him ...he was a target straight away ...he didnt help himself in that he stood up to them ...making him a bigger target....he goes to uni so he woulve been classed as a snob... he works ...a virtual unknown in that scheme...so he was kinda a sitting duck in a way ....

elantan

mizmir wrote: »

Here you go - :coffee: + (((((El))))) for you. You are doing great and good news that he is taking the initiative himself - sounds like you've done a good job with him.

cheers miz ...i have done the best that i am able to do ...i have no doubt others would be different ...and possibly better ...maybe not been a rescuer (i was so bad at that) ...hindsight is a wonderful benefit isnt it?

he has taken the initiative though ...he spoke to me about living here he doesnt want to ...he knows how good we all get on now and he already senses the pressure with his dad ....and he doesnt want it to go back to the way it was ....so that is something ...

taxi73

El..so sorry!!!...I didn't mean to make you upset.I wasn't saying you were a bad mother or anything.
Originally when you were posting about the problems it read like your son was trouble and that you didn't want him at home....hence my post about the hostel.
For what it's worth you should be really proud of your son as he and his friend have been trying to sort the situation for themselves.He is at UNI and at work a rare thing nowadays...I think he has a very mature attitude and has handled the situation well.....that is a sign of good parenting...so of course you've done a fantastic job.
I'm sending "hugs" as well xx

lynzpower

El,

Can he go to his UNI financial support team and see if they can give him the 700 quid for his deposit?

Has he got his student loan?

Karmacat

Oh El, what a nightmare, this is such a struggle for you. Your son sounds like he's really trying to grow up and take responsibility - the relationhip between you is changing constantly, of course, as he grows, as it always does with teenagers, and you're struggling with your own tendency to rescue as well, of course, which we've been posting about recently.

Well, I'm sure you'll find a way through. I'm out of touch with any links or anything to give you, but I hope some of the ideas provided already will help.

(((lots and lots of hugs)))

elantan

taxi73 wrote: »

El..so sorry!!!...I didn't mean to make you upset.I wasn't saying you were a bad mother or anything.
Originally when you were posting about the problems it read like your son was trouble and that you didn't want him at home....hence my post about the hostel.
For what it's worth you should be really proud of your son as he and his friend have been trying to sort the situation for themselves.He is at UNI and at work a rare thing nowadays...I think he has a very mature attitude and has handled the situation well.....that is a sign of good parenting...so of course you've done a fantastic job.
I'm sending "hugs" as well xx

taxi you have got nothing to apologise for honestly ...i appreciate all ideas and i think it is good for me to question things often ...the reason we cant have him living here is him and his dad just cant get on ...he is demanding and so is his dad the two just rub each other up the wrong way ...our son is a very individually minded person that we have brought up to question things ...to question why society behaves the way it does ...why we behave the way we do etc ...and whilst i am very proud of him his dad sometimes finds his questioning a bit hard to take ...also our son is so arguementative about these things ...he see's miscarriges of justice and gets into debates about it ...as he is a very intelligent person he argues with a different attitude and different words than his dad ...we tend to have the debates in our house (which i enjoy as well) and (i know this is going to sound bad but i mean it in the nicest possible way) my hubby's intelligence lies in a more common sense route ...he is one of the most intelligent men i have ever met ...but he is common sense intelligent our son is academic intelligent so as you can imagine (i am sure) the arguements in here descend into chaos...with hubby saying your just using big long words to try and make me feel stupid ...and son saying no thats the way my brain works (i am similar so i know where he is going with that one) etc etc ...our son wants to discuss something he has seen in the news or something he has experianced (quite alot for one his age ...age discrimination is alive and kicking) and he wants to go below the surface level he wants to know the laws and why etc ...and his dad is of the it just is thats the way it has always been and thats the way it will always be mentallity so our son no longer discusses these things with his dad (we tend to spend hours at a time discussing things ...we get on really well) and my hubby expects to be respected and obeyed by his son but doesnt always give it back ...so it has been a nightmare for years for the three of us ...with me stuck in the middle...trying to keep the peace ...but i love them both

elantan

lynzpower wrote: »

El,

Can he go to his UNI financial support team and see if they can give him the 700 quid for his deposit?

Has he got his student loan?

now that one i never thoguht of lynz ...thanks very much he has applied to s.a.a.s for his loan but wouldnt get help till september ...but the fact the two of them are at uni should help things ...he is in the shower getting ready to go see a flat i will tell him when he gets out thanks very much for the idea

elantan

Karmacat wrote: »

Oh El, what a nightmare, this is such a struggle for you. Your son sounds like he's really trying to grow up and take responsibility - the relationhip between you is changing constantly, of course, as he grows, as it always does with teenagers,

QUOTE]


this is totally true ...it was funny when he got his first flat his dad and i went to visit and his dad said ...dont leave that glass on the floor pick it up ...our son automatically went to pick it up and i just thought ...no we have to stop this now it cant go on ...so i stepped in and said look its his floor if he wants to leave a glass here he can if it spills he has to deal with it's not us so leave him alone ...it was quite an amazing experiance to see ...the two of them had a cognative shift there and then it was as if they had been stuck in a jail for years and someone had came along and opened the door to let them out...our son gave me a grateful look and so did hubby ...and they looked at each other as if ...right lets move this relationship on ...and it did move on for the next two years they would go out for lunch they went cycling they went to the sauna etc ...as a family we did the theatre and dinners and days out and it was great ...

and then this happened and our son moved back so the relationship has changed again so you are bang on the money kc

elantan

elantan wrote: »

...our son is a very individually minded person that we have brought up to question things ...to question why society behaves the way it does ...why we behave the way we do etc ...and whilst i am very proud of him his dad sometimes finds his questioning a bit hard to take ...also our son is so arguementative about these things ...he see's miscarriges of justice and gets into debates about it .

he is studing politics and psychology at uni ...wonder why :rolleyes:


he plans on being prime minister one day:o