A fresh start

beanielou

If he had a one bed private rent and has no income he should most likely get housing benefit.

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

HI beanielou!

He has always been pathologically disorganised.

Is that "pathologically" as in "pathologically" - or just as in the sense of "very".

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Before we had kids, I was happy to support us both. Then our outgoings went up, I worked part-time for many years, we got into debt, our happy-go-lucky lifestyle didn't work any more. I got more stressed and resentful and life got less fun for both of us. He backed into a defensive, passive, negative way of being and I became the model of charm that you have seen

This has been the status quo for too many years now for us to go back from.

No. The years don't affect the ability to change, only the desire.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

But it all makes me feel very guilty about abandoning him.

Because he's helpless? Why is he helpless? Is it because you'd leave him if he wasn't?

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Now, in other news, I've just been offered freelance work 3 days a week 'for a few months' in the new year. I think this could be the trigger I need to quit my job. Yes there is no guarantee it will last, but it is a start.

Are there any other leads?

Seaxwyn wrote: »

My job is really getting me down. The nature of our work has changed so much since I started there that I am really out of my depth. I don't have the right knowledge or experience so it's just demoralising.

Is that the sole reason?

Seaxwyn wrote: »

A lot to think about this weekend...

:grouphug:

chevalier

Not sure how to put this, but erm. Well, erm... your OH is like he is because he can get away with it. The only times he has got off his butt, is when he realised that you had got to a point where you were serious about him doing something, or else something bad was going to happen that would shake up his comfortable little world. As soon as your focus goes back to work, the kids the debts etc, he settles back down into not doing anything again and all is well.....for him.

I don't want to use the word enabling but can't think of a better one. He is disorganised and depressed at least in part, because you allow him to play the victim card and get away with it. It wasn't his fault that the animation industry modernised so now his skills are redundant. So this means he can get away with the "I am on the scrap heap at x age, and there is no chance i will get a decent job again" spiel. What he forgets is that he COULD have retrained, he COULD have took his passion and channelled it into a NEW career, but he CHOSE not too, because it is so much easier, to stay at home, not doing alot, and being 'kept' by you. He doesn't see that if he had pulled his weight all these years, you would BOTH have a much better standard of living now, and would have BOTH been less stressed and unhappy...

I think that if he had to leave, you would be amazed by how well he would eventually cope (after trying to play the look I am not coping take me back card), and at that point, you would be pretty angry with him too, because he could have coped all along....

You know me I am a bit blunt some times, but I am in the you only live once camp. Do you want another 20 years of this stress, and unhappiness FOR BOTH OF YOU? Or do you want to have a chance at being truely happy?

Ref the kids and their relationship with their dad. Kids adapt. And once he is standing on his own two feet, I think they will be far prouder of him than I think they maybe secretly feel now....

Please ignore all of the above if you want, but I felt it had to be said.
chev

ZTD

chevalier wrote: »

Please ignore all of the above if you want, but I felt it had to be said.
chev

Yes it did.

Seaxwyn

Yup, all those things are very clear to me too. But so are lots of other things that cloud the situation. I hope this is what counselling will help with, I can see so many reasons for and against every possible course of action!

Seaxwyn

Good morning! It's December and my total today is £19,194.54. That's only £41.90 less than on 1 November, but it has been an exceptionally expensive month with new school uniform, deposit on a school trip, and my trip to India. I also paid £75 for a new high bed for DS, which will be delivered tomorrow. That was a crazy impulsive purchase designed mostly, I think, to force issues with OH as the only possible way we can fit this bed in is if we get rid of our double bed and give our bedroom over to DS.

December is always expensive, with Christmas presents and parties and such. I don't know how I'm going to get through it as my main current account is already at its limit. However, overall I'm pleased by how the debt reduction has gone this year so I'm not going to stress about months when the reduction isn't great for good reasons.

I'm looking around for another job, or enough freelance to justify giving up work. Annoyingly I've had a really good offer of freelance work but I need to start working 3 days a week on 10 January - and I don't feel I can give a month's notice at work given that I have so much leave and am only working one more week before then. This is always a problem - the good freelance work demands that you are available to work at short notice, and I can't give notice without having work there, so it's a chicken and egg dilemma.

Seaxwyn

I have taken decisive action on one thing, at least. I have quit my job! There are a lot of reasons why my current job isn't right for me, and it is adding to my stress. The freelance offer was good. So I had a chat with my very nice and sympathetic boss and agreed that my last day here will be 9 January. Woo hoo!

To minimise the stress for my employer (and alleviate stress on my wallet) I have agreed to cancel the month's leave I had booked over xmas and will instead be paid for all those days in January. So I will get a bigger than usual pay packet i January to tide me over til the freelance earnings arrive in late feb.

There's no doubt this was not the most prudent decision but I feel happy about it. Work was making me unhappy and I have enough to worry about without that.

hypno06

Good for you.

Now, just make it work

x

Double_Trouble

Good that you have made the decision and now its up to you to make it work and I am sure you will - 2012 will be your year

DTxx

lucielle

Can you start promoting yourself now? Good luck
L