A fresh start

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I don't see it all in so black and white terms. I think Relate don't offer solutions because the only real solution is the one you decide on yourself.

They're not offering a solution, but they don't seem to offer the alternatives (with pros and cons) either. That's one of the problems with non-judgemental, you can't judge what would be a pro.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

There are plenty of people telling me, "dump him" or "stick with him" - but I need to decide for myself.

You do. You also need people to offer alternatives to those. There are many flavours of "dump him" and "stick with him" and there are many routes to get to those flavours. Some routes will offer decision branches along the way, so you won't actually know until you travel the path, what the destination will be.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

If I was only thinking of myself it would be easy. But there is also a pathologically disorganised and depressive 62-year-old to think of here - the only good thing in his life is the good relationships with his children. There's noone else looking out for him.

And try to look beyond "what" he is, and to "why" he is.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I think the "talk about your feelings" approach is actually what I need, as I need to sort through all the drives pulling me in different directions and decide which ones I want to listen to and which to put aside.

Well give it a go then. Though I must admit I wasn't impressed by the £40 for 50 minutes to spend time filling out some forms...

Seaxwyn

I am pretty shocked at the £40 for initial consultation (incl form-filling) too!

The counsellor said that each session costs them £53. Relate is a charity and must be a hard one to raise money for.

They've agreed to charge 'only' £20 each for the next two sessions. So I will have paid £80 in all - that's certainly an incentive to get some value from it.

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I am pretty shocked at the £40 for initial consultation (incl form-filling) too!

The counsellor said that each session costs them £53.

I wouldn't read too much into that unless you know how it was calculated.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Relate is a charity and must be a hard one to raise money for.

It gets a lot of money from various tax-payer grants. That's why I used the word quango-ish.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

They've agreed to charge 'only' £20 each for the next two sessions. So I will have paid £80 in all - that's certainly an incentive to get some value from it.

It is indeed!

beanielou

Hope you get what you need from it.
Take care.

beanielou

Just a thought BTW.
I take it that your OH has not always been pathalogically disorganised and depressed.
So what happenned to change him?
Is there anything that you can pinpoint?

Seaxwyn

HI beanielou!

He has always been pathologically disorganised. But years ago, he worked in the animation industry and the culture of the studios suited him well, as he wasn't required to organise himself, just paint what he was told. When this work came to an end, he has struggled to hold down any other kind of job that involved any requirement to plan at all.

Before we had kids, I was happy to support us both. Then our outgoings went up, I worked part-time for many years, we got into debt, our happy-go-lucky lifestyle didn't work any more. I got more stressed and resentful and life got less fun for both of us. He backed into a defensive, passive, negative way of being and I became the model of charm that you have seen

This has been the status quo for too many years now for us to go back from. And it all masks the fact that we don't have a great deal in common anyway.

But it all makes me feel very guilty about abandoning him.

Now, in other news, I've just been offered freelance work 3 days a week 'for a few months' in the new year. I think this could be the trigger I need to quit my job. Yes there is no guarantee it will last, but it is a start. My job is really getting me down. The nature of our work has changed so much since I started there that I am really out of my depth. I don't have the right knowledge or experience so it's just demoralising.

A lot to think about this weekend...

kissjenn

Hi,

I hope you don't mind but this may help a little.

Not sure if you remember but my OH was depressive (in bed 20+ hours a day), blind and had a stroke. I couldn't take anymore but couldn't see how I could possibly set him adrift in the real world.

He now looks after himself in a house he set up to suit his needs. He is now attending physio weekly and RNIB training to help him navigate where we live. He has joined the local council gym, lost two stones and is well on the way to getting an OU degree.

My dad visits him most days, Small Boy and I help out labelling things and he is happier than I have ever seen him.

I know my circumstances aren't yours and would never imply they are, but wanted to give you even some hope that people can cope even when we've carried them for years and they seem pretty helpless.

The very best with whatever you decide is best for you and the children.

xxx

Seaxwyn

Hi Kissjenn! I remember you very well - and your blind OH and Small Boy and Large Dog. How are you? Not to mention your coloured buckets, which I am always trying to emulate.

I am so glad your OH is doing well and you are no longer having to look after him. I'm really pleased for you all. And that is indeed a really encouraging story. Thanks!

beanielou

I think it may surprise you how well your OH might cope.
How long have you been together?

Seaxwyn

We've been together 22 years. I'm sure he would be OK once the dust had settled. But what are the immediate options? In this part of the world there is no social housing provision for single adult males, and we can't afford to rent a separate property.