A fresh start

hypno06

Good luck tomorrow - I hope it brings you some clarity xxx

taxi73

Good luck Seaxwyn

Seaxwyn

I rang Relate this morning and was offered a consultation the same day. So I went along and paid £40 for 50 minutes which included quite a bit of form-filling and explanations of how they work, etc. I didn't exactly warm to the counsellor but I felt she got what my issues were and didn't appear to have an agenda, so I think it's worth trying.

I have booked two appointments in December, and they have offered them half price. I don't know how useful it will be but I have to do something. I feel that I should probably be more honest with my OH about how I feel, rather than just harping on about his faults which aren't in themselves the whole story. But telling him that I don't want to continue with the relationship feels so brutal and there is the practical problem of what would happen next. I can't think where he could go or what he could do.

Anyway, this is a money diary so on financial news, I have spent a small fortune today on school uniform, as one of my DDs is changing schools and my DS has worn out all his trousers. Also agreed to two other DDs going on school trips, one of which costs £583. With all that and my India holiday (some of which went on a card), I am going to struggle in December if I don't find a holiday job. I don't want to be working in the daytime so it needs to be an evening job. Has anyone got any suggestions? I was thinking shelf-stacking in Sainsbury's.

taxi73

bar work,waiting on spring to mind.
hope relate can be some help to you but it looks like you've made you're mind up...you can't stay with someone just because you don't know where or what they could do.I do hope that you can find a resolution as you deserve to be happy

Eager_Elephant

Hi Seaxwyn

I have been to Relate with my OH - it was quite odd!!!

I have never had counselling before so I didn't realise quite how much they get you to think about things.

We went because OH had a thing about contacting women on the internet and getting quite ahem friendy with them - this had been going on for a long time and I was ready to walk but agreed to give Relate a go.

I hoped the counsellor would tell OH how stupid he had been, talk through his issues and then we would leave quite happy but that is not what happened.

Instead I ended up feeling like she was on his side even though she said that no one has to win an argument etc but I knew I was right and what he had done was unacceptable and wanted someone else to say that to him as I had no one to talk to except my best friend.

I spent most of the sessions crying - I am quite an emotional person anyway but this seemed to be something else, we talked about family history and mine and OH's relationship and how the way we were brought up impacts on us etc.

The best thing I got from it was the parent/child relationship thing which is what I realised we had slipped in to.

I still have major trust issues with OH and cannot forsee a time when I will ever trust him which makes the marriage rather pointless really.

I guess I have severe issues and need to have counselling one to one without OH being there.

Anyway despite the negatives I have said I hope you are able to get something out of it.

(((Seaxwyn)))

Seaxwyn

Hi both. (((Eager Elephant))) The Counsellor told me they are 'non-judgemental' which I suppose means not telling people they are stupid to contact women on the internet!

I don't fancy doing counselling with OH at all - I don't want to hear him telling someone how hard his life is and unfulfilling and how he doesn't get the right kind of support from me. I'd rather have the counsellor focus on MY issues!

I don't know how things are going to go. I really do feel very torn myself. I can see lots of reasons to split - but I obviously feel some loyalty and attachment to OH because I just don't think it's worth the pain of doing it!

hypno06

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I don't know how things are going to go. I really do feel very torn myself. I can see lots of reasons to split - but I obviously feel some loyalty and attachment to OH because I just don't think it's worth the pain of doing it!

That is exactly how I felt.....and it kept me in an unhappy marriage for more years than it should have done. Eventually, as you know, the decision was not made by me, and I respect XOH for having made that decision, because for whatever reason, I hadn't had the strength to do it myself.

I felt quite a sense of responsibility to him too......although I very soon decided that actually he would have to stand on his own two feet.....I needed to break free from him and he needed to make his own mistakes in life.

We are getting on for 2 years down the line, and although there are definite "not so good" days all round, and there have been some really really tough periods in between, I think we would both say that we are far far better now as people than we had been for a very very long time.

And yes, it was worth the pain.

x

taxi73

what Hypno is saying above is exactly what I was trying to say but she said it so much better...life is too short honey to be so unhappy xxx

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Hi both. (((Eager Elephant))) The Counsellor told me they are 'non-judgemental' which I suppose means not telling people they are stupid to contact women on the internet!

The non-judgemental is brought into place because the organisation is scared of being accused of being wrong. So if you're looking for solutions, they won't offer them, because they might end up not working. If you read about them, they appear to be very Quango-ish, so usual "never make a decision" things apply to them as they do to any state organ. Moral relativism also applies in spades here.

So if you turn up with a problem, you will be asked how you feel. I'm a bit more of the "if you want X, then A, B & C need to happen." Results-driven as some people say...

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I don't fancy doing counselling with OH at all - I don't want to hear him telling someone how hard his life is and unfulfilling and how he doesn't get the right kind of support from me. I'd rather have the counsellor focus on MY issues!

What do you want out of this? Do you want someone to turn around and say "Seaxwyn, you're absolutely right, he's a !!!!!!." so you feel better? Do you want someone to say "Dump him." so you can say afterwards "I only did what they said..." Unfortunately, that's not going to happen. You're going to have to make the decision (because unlike Hypno's relationship - he's not), and you're going to feel guilty afterwards. It's not the end of the world.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I don't know how things are going to go. I really do feel very torn myself. I can see lots of reasons to split - but I obviously feel some loyalty and attachment to OH because I just don't think it's worth the pain of doing it!

The pain of separating is a one-off shot. The pain of staying together is the gift that keeps on giving. If you can see how things could change to make you both happy, then give him an ultimatum. Otherwise separate.

That'll be that "results driven" thing again...

Seaxwyn

I don't see it all in so black and white terms. I think Relate don't offer solutions because the only real solution is the one you decide on yourself. There are plenty of people telling me, "dump him" or "stick with him" - but I need to decide for myself.

If I was only thinking of myself it would be easy. But there is also a pathologically disorganised and depressive 62-year-old to think of here - the only good thing in his life is the good relationships with his children. There's noone else looking out for him.

I think the "talk about your feelings" approach is actually what I need, as I need to sort through all the drives pulling me in different directions and decide which ones I want to listen to and which to put aside.