Today is a new day!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Wow! Thank you all for your support and how lovely that new readers find my diary of interest. I wish you all well on your debt free journey etc..

Yes, Mint I hear your suggestion of starting a contingency fund. With my business, the "big" money comes from building a team of people and helping those people achieve their goals. This something I am not doing at the mo because I found I got too tired trying to generate the sales and the leads to speak to others about the business. My retailing needs to take priority as it pays the bills now. However, I have a ten year plan in place and as my debt reduces so will the need to generate income now and I can focus my efforts on my teambuilding. By the time dd is 18 I will be mortgage and debt free and will continue my efforts on a greater scale with my team building. Also, being realistic about my disability the team building will become more accessible to do as my dd gets older and more independent and I become less mobile so the ideal would be to see my more regular customers regularly and keep to that. In the meantime, I have one credit card I can still use, and I am paying that off as of this month by twice the min payment. In doing that I am reducing my interest but by the same token if an emergency comes up I could access those funds but clearly that is not ideal. It at least gives me that option. I would rather pay off a credit card balance quicker than put money in a savings account you see.

So, other news. Finally have taken receipt today of a courtesy car with a full adaption. I can drive it perfectly. My car is now in the garage. Things with my parents couldn't be worse but I am not seeing them this week and I just can not go on defending myself and listening to them so have decided to keep my distance. I am not sleeping well however. I wake up in the night and lie awake thinking about what they are possibly thinking to say what they have said. I feel sad as I just could not see myself talking about anything to do with my or dd life in the future as every single area has been "attacked" or criticised. They clearly feel justified and thats what totally perplexes me..I have concluded that if I do not tell them when I fall or anything else to do with my disability then that is the way to go. ie , that I am to start physio, or anti depressants, all this would add fuel to the fire..Anyway...

Re dd, well I went in to the school, and they arranged for me to see the Head. I do seem to be the parent of the month or something as she couldn't be nicer to me. Come into my office, do sit down. How nice to see you....So, Itold her what my dd had told me and she said she would look into it. Went to collect dd from school yesterday and her teacher came up to me, told me she was keeping an eye on things but that it was a bit of all of them - the group of girls my dd has become attached to. Dd gives as good as she gets apparently. Although on speaking to dd she is adamant that her spitting back at one of the girls last week was in retaliation, she never starts anything. So, my advice to my dd has been this: I said whatever the situation it is unacceptable behaviour to spit. Walk away from the other girls if things start to get nasty and play with other children. Always tell the truth - she had told her teacher that I had said something about what she was wearing to school which was not true -. I explained that if her teacher suspects her of lying then when shes telling the truth it makes it hard for her teacher to know what to believe. Dd defence was that when questioned about this particular article of clothing she said the first thing that popped into her head as she didn't want to get into trouble!! Anyway, its near the end of term and quite frankly I will look forward to dd going into a new class next school year..

Financially, sales are going so well. Bills all sorted to date, am waiting to hear how much my pictures sold for at auction. Have another few bits to enter into the next auction as opposed to selling them on ebay. Have procrastinated dreadfully as did no ebay at all at the weekend. Ended up doing my chores etc and dozing in the armchair all afternoon!! So, will prioritise a couple of hours this weekend.

Finally saw the doctor today. She had prescribed me some anti depressants but I explained I hadn't taken them as I was told by the chemist they could effect my epilepsy tablets. No way do I want to risk anything going wrong in that dept. So, she is going to contact the hospital! to check if there is an anti depressant that won't interfere. She is whole heartedly behind what I am trying to achieve. So complimentary of what I have achieved too, i have cried about it !!!There are lots of people who tell me I am doing fantastically, why oh why do my parents not see that. Or my sister...

Yes, its the self belief and confidence that feels at an all time low. I have to really tell myself come on Lou you can do this, you are doing this. Your debt is reducing. You have a lovely gorgeous daughter, a beautiful cosy little house, a wonderful business, legs that do get you about and it will get better.. Thank you once again to anyone reading for your support and kindness. This diary has been a godsend to me, your support has been so so important to me and I will be forever grateful. Thank you.,.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Had a lovely day yesterday pottering in the garden. Managed to feel stress free for a time which was nice to know I can achieve that .. Dd playing with her friends in the back garden etc.Have started to re-read some self development material, a book called True Leadership about how to become a great leader given I ultimately want to focus on building my Kl team in the long term. Essentially the message Im picking up so far is "Do not give up on your dreams, do not listen to negative talk, and the bit I like best so far which is strive to be the best you can be..Well, I needed to read that..

So another expense has cropped up. The servicing of my stair lift. He will do it at a special cost of £55 instead of £65. Its these sorts of costs my family are totally oblivious to and that is why I am still very upset at them for their criticism of me. In fact every time I imagine myself getting on with them again I remember another hurtful comment and I just can't see myself ever being able to talk to them about anything ever again..

Anyway, I have a busy day ahead. Dds school is closed on thursday due to the teachers going on industrial action so the pressure is on to maximise the other days to get the money in...

mum2one

Hope you don't mind me being cheeky, but thinking about your stairlift, - just that we had one put in last yr, (it was done throu referrals and OT) paid for by a grant, (we own the house, but we don't have the high savings level), now ours is out of guarentee, the servicing and repairs now come under the agency that paid, (we ended up having to have the original company back in and replace the whole bottom unit as it was kerputted, the manufacturers tried to say we were overweight, yep we are but not 160kg +) the only way it would break is if mum and me went on it the same time!!

But just thinking would you be able to speak to health visitor, OT etc to see if they can take it over, x

Verbatim

Glad to see you're reacting with your usual get up and go positivity PAF! It's still another month to the school hols isn't it so just as well the school is keeping an eye open.
Hope you manage to rake in extra sales this week and enjoy Thursday with your dd.
Yes you DO have a plan for being debt and mortgage free which is a lot better than many manage, so pat yourself on the back, (difficult I know!) because you're getting there despite your disability.
I'm so sorry that you don't have the support and help of your family right now. I can't understand how they think either!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thanks mumto one and Verbatim. I will enquire about that. The stair lift was originally funded by a charity for which I am very grateful.. I had made enquiries through Social Services but because I was not on Incapacity Benefit they could not help with the cost of it but I will certainly see if there are any options open to me in maintaining it. Thanx for your suggestion. Also I am waiting for physio appt to come through and I was thinking I could check with the physio. Before she was v helpful in pointing me in the right direction for various apparatus? such as the rails I have to help me get in and out of the bath and the rail outside my front door to help me get in and out of the house.

Things at school are much better according to dd. She is just staying away from a particular girl in her class and is finding this does the trick. On the handful of occasions where this particular little girl wont leave her alone she walks to a group of children and joins in playing with them. This strategy seems to be working well thus far and pracvtice is making perfect.
Had a fantastic pick up yesterday. My target was £500 sales. I did £570 with still some very lovely customers to collect from who haven't yet written their orders out. On days like yesterday with the sun shining and seeing such lovely people during the course of the day I just could never imaginwe myself giving it all up all the while I can still function!
Just keeping my head down and trying to keep a grip of myself and try to focus on all thats positive.

Verbatim

Well done PAF and I'm glad your dd is getting on better. That's a really important life skill she has there.

mum2one

Glad everything is working out with DD now, she sound like her mum, a lovely person.
Chatting with mum earlier the improvements etc, we've been down different routes, (but as there may be more than avenue)

Me - (back in 2002) I was referred to physio at hospital as when pregnant with DD, I had PSD, so they suggested aids, but there referral never appeared.

So I got hold of the health visitor at the doctors surgery, explained what i was told I needed, at time was bed raiser, chair raiser, loo seat frame, and raised loo seat, - that all via the NHS, to cut on the delievery wait, we went and picked them up from the warehouse.

Mum next - she had some falls and though our GP she had been referred to a falls clinic that was run at the local hospital, there was suggestions made and she ended up being given crutches, and referral for the OT dept, (but your GP, health visitor, physio should all be able to help)

Mum again (mini stroke 2 yrs ago), the OT got hold of another dept, (I tend to loose track with who belongs to who), - they came and did an assessment on the house, don't even think the savings etc was discussed. They send out a site manager, last yr we had the stair lift, we were due to have the bathroom altered, but as they needed the house for 9 days, we got it put off till this Easter so we could be away.

May be worth checking with physio dept etc, as locally think our is something to do with the council, but they have a buidling that is kitted out as a house, and you get assessed on what you need, I was given a bed handle, god send, I was offered a walking frame, but it sounds stupid after being on crutches for 9 yrs, because I had nothing supporting my arm, I was flat on the floor, again they were all free of chart.

Sorry to digress, thinking of different avenues we went down, re the stairlift, if it was fitted via a chairty (ours was), then generally the council will take it over and service it for you at no charge, def worth looking into.

Going back to aids, it was suggested that I got sock put you on thing, but was told to buy it, but the bigger things have all been supplied.

It could depend on your area who you need to deal with. xx

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Yes, thanks for all that info mumto one.I will bear it in mind and let you know what I find out. I am still waiting for my referral to the physio and Health In Mind and my doc is due to call me today re the anti depressants they can prescribe without them effecting my existing medication. I really think the physio will be able to help me. Im sure it was she who put me in touch with the OT before and found out what was available.

Other news, my mum sent a text yesterday. I haven't seen her since the time I walked out of their house, She said she was nervous to text me but could have good news which she wanted to talk to me about. I wondered why she couldn't say whether it was good or not but then my friend said she thinks mum has done some enquiring herself about benefit options for me and wants to talk about them to me.. Whatever mum means I have deleted the text. My friends view just made me feel oh my god feeling what will it take for them to actually hear what I am saying and I realise it just makes me feel ill. I allow it to effect my wellbeing and so I can not go there in case that is what mum wants to talk about. And the sad bit is I think my friend could be right. I am telling myself today that I am doing so well and so what if my family can not see that. I can and my dd and I are facing the future the best way we can and that is how it will stay.

Financially, all is well and containable. Debt still reducing. Bills paid. Sales doing very well. Items in auction. Ebay still to tackle, newsletter and tax return to finalise, so lots to do and build on in terms of ensuring I am getting the max income in possible from all sources to ensure I achieve being the best I can be financially for me and dd!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, my friend was so nearly right about my mum. It wasn't benefits she had looked into but debt management. Mum texted me again yesterday to tell me to phone a number to cut my debt and she has a friend who will help me. To her I can only think she is thinking this is helping but it really isn't. To me it shows she has not listened to a word Ive said. I am 46 years of age, not a child. To me it seems they would rather I do anything so they don't need to worry. Its all about them and what they want me to do. what I want to do with my life is neither here nor there. It seems incredible to think this is over them paying £868 worth of bills for me, £350 of which was my car adaption. As I have argued to mum and dad before both they and my sis have been in receipt of family financial help over the years far higher than this with no lecture as to what they had to do to change their lives. And £350 is a drop in the ocean compared to the £5K Ive had to find over the years in the adaption dept. Yet me, essentially without the adaption this is all over a "gift" of £500 which over the 25 years since I have left home equates to £20 a year. God it makes me so mad..I do not need to be told what to do with my life by family who wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes coping with what I have done given that all they want me to do is give up everything, my home, my business, my business plan, my debt free and mortgage plan and embrace a life living on benefits, essentially commit fraud because I am able to work, yes its challenging but I am doing it, my business is achieving results, is that so terrible? Meanwhile, they all still work and do what they want with their lives...Its just not going to happen as they want it. To me, firstly if I feel the need to review my debt it will because I want to not because they tell me to. All the while it is reducing and I am exceeding min payts where poss I intend to continue as I am. Secondly, should that scenario ever occur say because I fall seriously or something which I pray wont be the case I would most certainly not go to one of mums friends. So, I haven't responded to mums texts, not at all. still haven't seen her nor do I want to. My plan is to be debt and mortgage free by the time Im 55. That is something none of my family who are that age or over have ever achieved. I currently have a ten year business plan and all the while I can walk, crawl even, ! I am not going to give up on that either. You see part of me thinks rightly or wrongly why should I have to give up on my goals just because I have a disability and no support from family or acknowledgement that disability is expensive and I have had to cope with a murder which in truth did effect my earning potential and spending trends. As I may have said there were days when I just didn't want to be at home and I didn't want to cook after working so I used to take dd who was a baby/toddler with me out to Frankie and Bennies to eat whether we could afford it or not..Also, I used to have regular massages in the hope it would help with my walking. They were £20/30 a time and I couldn't afford it.. No, now I have been able to get things under control and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel what mum wants me to do is not going to happen all the while this is the case...

Yes, it was another sleepless night last night with it all going around my brain. I realise that on the negative side my family are just that, so negative about my life , what Ive done with it and my chances for the future, as I have said before between my mum, dad, and sister there is not one area of my life that hasn't been pulled apart, criticised or denegrated whilst on the positive side clearly I must have quite a bit of self belief otherwise I would be giving up like they want me to and in fact I feel I will stick to my guns and achieve my goals with or without their support. At the moment, as I may have said previously this is without their support ( by that I mean moral and just generally) because when I asked them if I have their support continuing withmy business they could not say yes. They just looked at the floor and it was then that my dh came up and how Im making an industry out of that - presumably because we had gone away with the National Victims Association and my mum has made it clear I should have met someone else by now - which is when I walked out, tripping up on the way which in hindsight is quite ironic but there you go..That is why I need to avoid the stress this situation is causing me and I am keeping myself to myself where my family is concerned..

Keeping_Motivated

I'm sorry things are still as they are POF. None of my business but I feel like your family would get a 'true' insight into you if they read this thread but I undersand your reluctance to let them do that.

If your family came to you and said ok we have obviously got it so wrong in our angst at watching you struggle so what can we do to help you tell us and we will do it, what would you say?