Today is a new day!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, have an appt on tuesday to sort out my home insurance with the bank. Am thinking any refund on my existing policy can go to my mortgage and just be extra in my mortgage. It could be a good "insurance" in itself come the winter just in case it snows again and there are money challenges as a result. Am also getting to grips with my credit cards repayments in terms of snowballing. Am tackling one debt in particular which is the smallest but has the highest interest rate. I currently owe £940on a JJB card and I am now paying £100 a month instead of the min payt of £18. I just am so excited to be at this stage. Part of my new found confidence is that tax credits have underpaid me for the last year. Yes, Im very cautious about this decision from them as there was a time they said I owed them £6K as they had overpaid me ( it turned out after my accountant became involved that I did not owe them £6K at all, they in fact owed me £1K so I simply do not trust them!!) So, thats why I am paying off this credit card. It is one that I can still use in dire emergencies and so if there is any fall back from tax credits I can repay them, but in the meantime Im reducing the interest Im paying on this debt. And for the moment I choose to believe that tax credits may be correct in giving me a bit of extra money. The figures are as they are in asmuch as I have overestimated my projected net income so as to avoid ever being in the position of owing them money. And with all this wonderful surprise it will enable me to give my accounts to my accountant earlier than planned as I will have the full money available to pay him - he had become VAT registered this last year which puts his bill up by some £70.

I do believe in signs, and since the disagreements with my parents, I have had a fantastic sales month, have a lovely lady joining my Kleeneze team, had a "refund" from tax credits equating to £200, sold items at auction, after waiting a couple of months for the appt am now seeing the psychologist every two weeks and she doesn't think Im going mad!! and its the school hols which means no more early morning stress for the next 6 weeks! So, the timing is just amazing for all this and I thank on high for it all.

So, dd's school hols have started well. She had to work with me for a day and a half last week. I was just so tired by the end of those two days, more so than usual. You see normally I rest periodically but I was trying to get it all done as quickly as i could so dd wasn't suffering from boredom and I did myself in. Lesson to oneself, the resting is imperatif to beable to complete the work without my walking getting worse. Thank god Im self employed. I can not see an employer being happy with that scenario. Sorry sir I need a break every hour or so if Im to get through the day. I don't think so!!! Another reason to be so so thank ful that Im in the business Im in.

So, other than working withme, dd has had a great time so far. We've both joined thelibrary, and she is taking part in a reading challenge for the summer hols. We have also been playing scrabble which is helping with her maths aswell as her spelling and understanding of words. Shes been making things and I have a lovely model of a house with a garden sitting here beside me. Today we are going to be doing some gardening together. And I managed to get some pork and beef reduced in Asda the other day so we are having a roast pork later and if time allows baking some cakes. Tomorrow dd is with a friend for the day who is taking her out. So, all is well. My next appt with the psychologist is on thursday afternoon and I am so relieved. Ive seen my doctor last week and she wants me to see her periodically just to make sure Im ok, and she says to me Im doing the right thing by being true to myself and addressing the issues that will hopefully enable me to handle future challenges not least the release of the murderer which is still four years away but which I am already worrying about for dd more than myself and how I cope with any more falls and dealing with the grief that overtakes me at times. Thats another thing we did this week. My dh was murdered in a lovely park in town and my dd has wanted to know where he died and just out of the blue we were passing the place and it seemed right to sit there at that park in the sun watching the world go by for a few mins. Nothing sad, just comfortable and peaceful. There are lovely trees surrounding the spot. So surreal to think there was a white tent up there and it was in the papers and there we were watching the world go by alive and well. Yes, I think it was right to do that. My dd was quite comfortable with it and we came away feeling ok. Haven't seen my parents and am actually enjoying the freedom of not worrying about what they think about me. Feeling quite free, it still bothers me but I can not choose what they think about me, but I can choose how I think and I am trying not to feel bitter and twisted. I am just aware that for the moment Im best off away from them if Im to stay positive and focused..

Thats it, woffled on too long as per usual. Off to get on with a lovely day with dd..

beanielou

Great news on tax credits and on the snowballing
Have a happy happy summer!

taxi73

you sound so much better in yourself since keeping your parents out of your life...have a great holidays

InaPickle

Someone once said to me 'You can't change someone else's behaviour, only how you react to it', and I must admit that it's one of the most true things I've ever heard.

Everything else sounds really good - enjoy the going while it is good, and long may it continue!

Verbatim

Glad things sound on an up for you. I hope you enjoy your summer with dd.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Yes, pickle, that follows the Serenity prayer which i learnt while attending AlAnon when my dh was alive and alcoholic- a group for friends and familes of alcoholics. We used to go together, he into the AA room, me into Alanon oh bless him. On a weds at 7.30pm!!! The prayer goes like this, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Well, one of the things I want to change is to stop that battling feeling, I know Im a bit of an odd person is as much as I am disabled and working, I say that inlight of the pressures Ive faced to give up my business to then qualify for whatever is out there if I don't work and the battles I faced when dealing with the school and Social services and taking that complaint forward and with my family and with trying to secure more support of any kind when Ive had a fall. And Im sick of battling against the world or feeling as if I am. So, yes I am really enjoying having no contact with my immediate family. I haven't heard from or contacted my parents or sister and it feels good...Not v nice to say but completely truthful.

So, a great proper first week of the school hols. Dd has been extremely helpful and patient. She mowed the back garden last weekend for me - under my supervision of course - but it was a huge help. After that we lay down on the grass and made pictures of the clouds. Now, that was really lovely and what I consider a simple pleasure! Shes settled into the holiday club which she is attending 3/4 days a week and we are having good quality time outside of me working. Have been getting some superb orders and Im on target to reach a good bonus which will hold me in good stead for the coming month.

Financially, things are ticking along. My appt with the bank re my house insurance was a complete waste of time. Ive decided to cancel it with them although they dont know it yet! They tried to sell me critical life cover etc etc, no I just want to revise my home insurance with you. Unfortunately we can't do that , you need to call the home insurance dept. Why did you tell me you could and why didn't you call me to tell me you in fact couldn't and I would have cancelled this appt and it would have saved me petrol etc getting here and it would have saved you an hour watching me on the phone to your home insurance dept... So, even if their quote was cheaper which it isn't I wouldn't have gone ahead for the time they wasted...Anyway, its over and done with...

Other than that Im keepingmy head down, working hard, attempting to be kinder to myself, trying not to question my decisions and after my appt on thursday with the psychologist trying to address my appalling sleeping habits of broken sleep and worrying for what feels like for hours in bed in the middle of the night. Last night got into bed to sleep as opposed to sleeping in the armchair so excellent progress!!... Yes, really want to work on myself so that dd continues her childhood not worrying herself about her daddy or what would happen to her if I died like daddy did, or my health or money and is just carefree in her days, enjoying them as any child should.. Hopefully she will look back on these summer hols with happiness. Im keeping a little diary of what she and I are doing each day so we can think back and remember. The making pics out of the clouds features in there!!!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Can't quite believe how the week has flown by. Re my business sales have been good though I didn't achieve the results over this last 4 weeks that I had the previous and so my overall gross earnings were down £195 from 4 weeks ago but then I remind myself last time I earnt more than I needed which was a plus and we are now in the school hols which puts pressure on time and takes me time to get used to in terms of a new routine fitting work in around dd. And of course out of the blue I recd a "rebate" from tax credits to the tune of £200 or so so I do believe there is an angel overhead!!My goal this next 4 weeks is to achieve the same results as last time, just selling a further £100 a week would do it and in addition to my commission my bonus percentage would then be greater you see aswell.. Have explained to dd that to that end we will work together today for an hour. I didn't quite fit in everything I needed to yesterday while she was at the holiday club. So, we will remain focused and positive today..
Other than that today will be a lovely day. My mum still wants to pay for dd to go horseriding which dd loves. She dropped the money through our letter box yesterday while we were out. The only thing for me is that in all the hoo ha with mum she told me the reason she wanted to was because she thinks dd has a "dreadful" life and that is in my head from time to time particularly when I am at the stables but then what would you do? I can't afford to pay for lessons, dd loves the lessons, my mum wants to pay, am I right to forfeit my pride or would you say thank you mum but lets leave it because I know you are doing this to make dd "dreadful" life better and I don't believe that is the case at all and by you paying I am in a way actually agreeing with you! But then I think its not dd fault all that has happened between me and mum. Dd is her grand daughter and if I asked mum to stop, it would just add fuel to the fire and I would be deemed very ungrateful and potentially blamed by dd... ( There I am questioning myself again! Old habits die hard!)Anyway, we are going today to the stables and dd will have a lovely time. Then later I am driving dd to the swimming pool in the next town where she is swimming with the other kids who attend Care for Carers. I wish I could help by driving other children there as the charity is forever striving for funding and they pay for taxis otherwise for children to get to their events. If its one thing I could do is drive and help that way. However, I would need to be CRB checked which involves costs to the charity and other formalities etc so I just take dd which at least saves further taxi costs to them.
Other plans involve organising my desk, doing some ebay, and even relaxing!
Re my mum have succeeded in not seeing her at all which I am pleased about from the view that she is seeing my sister for the week next week and the last thing I wanted was for mum to be having anything to talk about with my sis if I should come up in conversation which I inevitably will. So, she hasn't seen how Im walking these days, she knows nothing of anything going on in my life so there will be little that they can talk about and very little chance they will then communicate it to me which is what I fear could have happened. And then the pressure starts all over again. Give up work, give up your home, give up, give up...No No no...
On the money saving side of things it is clear from wednesday this week when I arranged to meet my cousin with my dd and her little 3 year old that my spending has changed completely. I had budgeted £50 in total, that was £20 petrol, £10/15 for lunch out, £15/20 spending. Well, in the end I spent £10.90 on lunch and paid for dd to have a new dress from Mand S for £16. Shes lived in it ever since so its been a very good buy. I only wish I could have one in my size!!!. So we spent less than budget and given my dd has clothes from my friends dd 99% of the time it was quite a treat to buy dd an item of clothing...! Before revisingmy ways I would have thought to hell with it, I work hard, I will buy this and this aswell, There was a lot to tempt me but I didn't go there..
On with the day and keep looking forward..

Chocforever

You sound like you have had a nice week.

Regarding the riding lessons, I would let your mum pay for them. If she can afford it and DD enjoys it, then that's fine. But remember it is only riding lessons; don't let this escalate into validating opinions on your DD's life.

I think you are wise to put a bit of distance between you/DD and your family for a little while until the dust settles and you can deal with their comments without getting too upset. It is never going to be easy and ideally they would stop coming out with all these hurtful comments about you. I think you are coping with the situation really well.

I hope you have another great week x

taxi73

totally agree with what chocforever said

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thanks for that feedback. I will heed your advice.On the parent front Ive heard from mum by text. Games, games, games. Its been about when she has dd after school. The situation has been that she would pick up dd on tues and thurs and I would collect her at about 7pm. Dd is then in a school club on mon and fri and with me on a weds. She texted me to say she couldn't do thurs but could do fri. Well, I don't always need childcare on a friday for hours. It could be just for an hour and so I suggested lets leave it that she just has dd on a tues and I will find childcare for a thursday. Now shes texted me to say why doesn't she have dd on a thurs and not on a tues. Ok, Ive replied. I thought it was the thurs you could no longer do, but thats fine. I will find childcare for tues and you have her on the thurs. Thank you and lets leave it at that. So, it will be on the thursday she has dd assuming she doesn't change her mind again and the tues is no more which means securing yet more childcare. I will work around it no matter what but somehow we've come down from 2 afternoons a week to 1! Sadly, I would not put it past mum that was her original plan without actually saying that was what she wanted. Because she always knew on a friday I try to finish earlier than later so dd and I could enjoy the full benefits of the weekend together. Anyway, I will be thankful she still has dd on thursday and get on with it.

Re finances, have finally sorted out my home insurance and am really pleased with the result. I was with the Halifax and the amount came out of my mortgage every month. Im now with Lloyds TSB, paying from my current account by dd and paying less. I had to switch to a Halifax/Lloyd policy in order to receive a partial refund on my premium as I was cancelling it after 2 months and had recd a £50 chq for staying with Halifax originally. My policy with Lloyds is £50 less plus they give me a £60 "bonus" in 2 months time, so a total saving of £110. Then, I have more comprehensive cover than I would have done on Motorbility and with Halifax simply because of the incentives being a "new customer" to Lloyds insurance. Then my mortgage will reduce by some £25/27 a month, and I am receiving a credit into it of £260 which means I don't have to pay as much this month for my mortgage and this will help me to keep a bit ahead of myself, not least because I have an accountants bill to pay in the next couple of months!!! I will review my policy again next year when I could go to Motorbility but for now it is my best option and one that is good on a number of fronts!

Other news, working hard, enjoying the school hols, have had to cut back on what we are spending as I did get a bit carried away, we ate out twice!! Something I wouldn't have thought twice about in my previous life! But very excited because I am on the verge of owing in total less than £150K with my mortgage etc and I am seeing my debt reduce quicker now Im much more organised. Things are still tight, not ideal but to think where Ive come from and where I am now, its so very hopeful and exciting.