Today is a new day!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you for that Satchmo. Really sweet of you. I usually travel everywhere by car to be fair and I am v grateful that I can. However, I will look into it and have it on my list to check out. It could be something that may help out. Thank you.

So, the weekend saw my batch cooking effort on Saturday afternoon. A friend texted me to see f I would like to meet her for a cuppa while our girls played in the park. Well, not one to turn such an opportunity down, dd and I went instead of doing the garden! and in the process I asked my friend if she could open a number of cans of food for me with which I intended to make a fish and shepherds pie. (Ive given up buying battery operated can openers as they are not reliable long term and paying £16-£22 a time is just not what I want to do. So I use the good old basic can opener and usually dd does the honours but with so many cans I thought my friend may help which she did!) Anyway, with some fresh veg and spuds have made a number of meal portions which are in the freezer. Took me over two hours but then I think its better to do that than find the energy at 7pm on a dark winters eve! Then dd and I did the garden yesterday. Thank god for dd. Just wouldn't be able to do it without her and she loved doing it.

The other thing we did was go to the library and I have an electric monitor for the next three weeks plus a book called Why am I so disorganised sort out your stuff by Dr Marilyn Paul. Now, I wouldn't say I'm particularly untidy in the house , but what appealed to me was the fact this book also dealt with punctuality and the habits of thought and action. How these can effect your daily "performance" for want of a better word. To that end after just reading 3 chapters already I am just about to write how I want my life to be. ie, no panic attacks and worrying about getting dd to school on time in the am, which is virtually top of my list together with not falling. The beauty is anything is possible in how you visualise your life to be, its just that you are replacing the negative with the positive and possible and I like that idea so I am just about to do that, then back to reality with the ironing, followed by popping out with dd. We are already for school apart from her water bottle which we discovered yesterday doesn't fit in her new lunch box... A busy week ensues. I really need to get ahead of myself again. Will feel more settled when I know what the Halifax will do re my complaint and I am in a position to pay my accountant and get my tax return finalised. His bill is the next onmy list but he's worth his weight in gold. (My dear accountant was the one who proved to tax credits that I didn't owe them £6K when they said I did and it was in fact they who owed me £1K. Without him, I would still be repaying that £6K that I didn't owe!!) Onward and upward..

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, two weeks after speaking to Halifax regarding my complaint I receive a letter from them. I did call them as it didn't say they had received my complaint letter subsequent to my call and it transpired they hadn't and could I fax it so as I was going to the branch anyway yesterday I got them to fax it for me! They reckon it will take 6 to 8 weeks to resolve. At least its in hand..

Dds first week back at school has gone very well. I have a good feeling about this year there. There are no home diarys required, her teacher smiles at me! and the head has been v nice to me going out of her way to ask if we had a nice summer etc. I have managed to get dd there on time although yesterday was close. Its just as the week goes on, I notice I get tireder and tireder, can't be the only one, but whether I like it or not it does effect my mobility. When I look at how I can do things better Im reminded once again that its almost like I need to warm up to the day. Anyway, week 1 has been successful and thats a good start.

This weekend I need to sort out my catalogues, do some housework, set some time to relax, bake some cakes for dd's packed lunch next week and also for a neighbour and her family who gave us a pair of virtually new school shoes which fit dd perfectly. Want to say thank you. Then a friend is having a birthday party tom, weather permitting is hoping to have a bouncy castle in her garden for the kids so dd looking forward to it.. I will be able to relax there too. Am also wanting to watch a program about the children of 9/11. Not least because I want to see if I can pick up any thoughts on how to help dd deal with dh murder. She was just 10 months when dh died and some of the children from the clip Ive seen re the programme didn't really know their dad before they died on that day either and I just want to see how they are managing and if I can get any hints and tips on helping dd deal with her grief because sometimes when she tells me she wishes dh was here its heartbreaking and you would think she knew him so well before he died. And she has worried that Im going to be murdered too and then she will have to go to an orphanage.. And then she is so like him in her looks and her ways even down to how she folds her clothes on her bed. (I know only 8 but thats her way).

Myself am finding it hard some days to stay positive at mo. Finances are really tight this month. The dates things are due out is not in my favour somehow this time round. Work is going v well although again the tiredness is more noticeable now dd is back at school and the weather not so great. That said I received an email from Kleeneze yesterday to say that I was in their top 300 retailers, thats put me in the top 2% in personal sales. That is truly a miracle when you consider my falling, my disability etc. It tells me that with persistence and determination and I must have a bit of self belief I can achieve significant things. I have built up a lovely number of customers who in many cases are friends more than acquaintances and I am thankful that I am in this business. It enhances my ability to keep on top of things financially. I haven't told my family of this email. It would probably make them more despairing because it has helped me stay true to my determination to continue working for as long as I can which is hopefully for many years to come and not give up as they want me to do. That said Im going to the doc next week as my good arm still has a "dent" in it from my last fall. If my good arm goes down the pan then Ive had it totally so just need to be sure..

So that s me. Heres to a nice weekend ahead..

beanielou

Keep plodding x

mum2one

I know it sounds daft, ut you've got through the 1st week off DD at school, and also mean this in the nicest of ways, its shows you the pluses, and the minuses - so by being tired more at the end of the week, yourhave chance to try and rearrange things (hopefully), may take a couple of weeks, but your doing a brilliant job.

xx

taxi73

you're doing great

chevalier

I will be honest and say I haven't read all of the thread, however having read from page 40 I am amazed.

Amazed that you have coped so well with one of the most harrowing things any person has to deal with - the murder of a loved one.

Amazed that you aren't a complete basket case having to cope with that, a baby DD, AND a disability.

Amazed that anyone who purports to 'love' you and be 'family' could talk to you that way, and the be surprised that you are upset with it!
I could never imagine talking to my DS's that way.

I am amazed that they WANT you to go on benefits. I would imagine most parents would want their children to stay OFF benefits and NOT be a drain on the state. How they think that going on benefits is the right life style choice for you I can't imagine. My only thought is, that are they the type of people who believe that physically disabled people are mentally disabled too? The old does he take sugar thing?

I hope that in years to come, when you HAVE built up your team, and you HAVE paid off the debt and the mortgage, and are sitting in your paid for home, with a new car on the drive, and are taking DD on lovely holidays each year, THAT THEY DON'T WANT A HAND OUT!:mad::mad::eek::eek::eek:

Good luck with moving forward
chev

ps As I said I haven't read through the whole thread, but you do use things like quidco to get cash back on things you buy? And do surveys and things like that. What about mystery shopping, just thought having someone with a disability might be a major plus for a MS company to have on their books. Hope this doesn't offend, it isn't meant to:)

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, a friend has offered to take dd to school for me today and I have accepted. What did dd and I do this weekend? I just felt it was full of chores, and by sat eve it was all I could do to watch x factor before I was asleep. Yesterday, we went to a very dear friends 50th birthday party. It was a chance to sit and just be while dd played with other children there. And I needed that desperately. I watched the 9/11 programme I wanted to see last eve before falling asleep!Conclusion, I am doing the right thing plugging into the National Victims Assoc - regardless of what my parents think - to help dd know shes not on her own. Its going to be a bit of a week this week. I have had to extend the date by which I pay my mortgage. I currently owe £195. Its the way it has to be and Ive just got to stop beating myself about it. Ive paid £405 and considering I was budgeting for £350 I say well done Ive managed that. I really hope Halifax don't take 8 weeks to sort out my complaint which is the worse case scenario. Time will tell.. Get on with the week and out there doing my best.. Thats all Ican do and it will just have to be good enough..

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, dd has gone to school. I am still in my dressing gown, need to do some paperwork and get ready for the day. I am feeling low. At my friends party yesterday were a couple of guys who have unfortunately had accidents which they are now obtaining compensation for. Quite right. But sitting there listening to it all I just felt so hopeless. I realise I am good at putting on a front, smiling and all that while I feel my heart is in my shoes. Its not that I would say Im jealous, its just the bizarreness of mine and dd's situation in comparison. I have and never am likely to receive any compensation for my disability. It was a vaccine damage. All my medical notes relating to the period in which it happened have been "lost". So, all I have ahead of me is the need to pay and find money for things while my family look on judging me as they have. Then another lady there at this party is registered disabled due to a bad back. Her dh is her carer. He gets paid a carers allowance. And then I think of dd. She is a little carer, she helps me in the kitchen, getting dressed, reaching for things, helping in the garden, she's not 16 yet so she doesn't get a carers allowance, its effectively the british version of child labour, and the one support for her in that area is constantly facing challenges re funding - Care for Carers. The injustice of it makes me mad and feel so powerless. I wish my dh was here. In the book Im reading about being better organised, it says you need support. What support I want to say. My friends are wonderful but they have their families, I do rely on dd, my family have shunned me for wanting to work. Prob the murderer who killed dh has more support in prison than I could ever hope to receive out here because at the end of the day if I was on Incapacity I would I think be able to get help that would relieve the situation for dd. So, am I being selfish, working? Anyway, sitting there listen to other guests chatting about these issues, I couldn't say anything, I just felt despair about our situation and still today just feel I am sick to death of battles, of it all I don't want to feel alone because I work, for all I know I might not be able to work in years to come if I have one fall too many. I don't want to feel a criminal, unique because I work and I fear that although Ive been awarded DLA for life, when the time comes I will have to fight for that all over again too. There is just no way anything can be the same with me and my family after everything they have said. If I continue on this path I am totally on my own in the scheme of things. I need to get on and stop feeling sorry for myself , it was just listening to the conversations yesterday at this party I wanted to say you are lucky to be getting compensation, you are lucky to have a carers allowance, you are lucky you can work when you are well with the backing of your family, you are lucky to have help in the aftermath of your accidents, I get nothing from my family, nothing apart from verbal abuse. You are lucky to have your oh still with you and not find yourself relying on your children sometimes. Of course I said none of those things and it would be out of order if I did. Everyones lives are different and it just wouldn't be the done thing. It's just that feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me about our situation which is never going to get better in terms of my physical wellbeing..To be working and wanting to do my best it is quite simply a very lonely place to be.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, feeling more positive right now. Like to think my dh is looking down and saying come on girl, you can do this. Stop worrying, stop questioning, stop comparing yourself to others, just focus on the job in hand, focus on what you want to achieve and go out there and knock them all for six!! Recd a tel call from Halifax customer care this am. They wanted to resolve my mortgage complaint and are crediting my mortgage with £260 which this time can be offset against my mortgage payment. So, I am effectively £65 ahead of myself now with the mortgage. Then Halifax are also going to send me a chq for £50 for my time wasted. Then, I have still not been advised why my mortgage payt stays the same when the insurance is no longer coming out of it. The lady who called couldn't explain so she has assured me she will ensure a letter is sent to me explaining how it works. So, am pleased I complained and its being resolved. Will keep on top of it to make sure what she says will happen does..The start to this week has been tough. Have felt v tired and have really had to push myself. I have questioned my objectives, am I doing the right thing? Perhaps a disabled persons lot should be to accept that work is not the best option Ive been thinking. Am I doing more harm than good perservering with my work where my dd is concerned? I can't say I know the answers but then I look at our little home, our lives I am trying to rebuild after dh situation and I think why should we give that up too. There is so much in my life I can not do because of my disability, so much I would love to do with dd but can't without dh here and the family things we could have done together why should I give up the very things I can do while I can which are giving dd and I the joy we do share. I intend to write to my MP, and tell him why there are more disabled people on Incapacity than are working. It's so obvious to me and my experience demonstrates to me the discrimination, the total withdrawal of support, the alienation from family as is my case that exists just because I am attempting to keep working. I choose to view the Halifax phone call earlier today as God's way of telling me, dont you dare give up yet! So, Im not..

Anyway, thats where Im at right now and the phone call this am has ignited my confidence that all is well, stop doubting, all will be well. You can do this!

beanielou

Good result from the Halifax