Today is a new day!

InaPickle

Keep going, PaF...life is full of such trials, and this is one more that annoys you now, but you will be proud to have overcome in the future. x

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thanks for your kind words. Well, my diary finds me here again. Its 7.30am. Ive been awake since 4.30 when i woke up in the armchair with Columbo on the telly!!! Went to bed but just haven't been able to get to sleep. Got so fed up thoughts whirling around so here I am!
Basically, collected dd from my parents yesterday eve at about 7pm. Now I know Im 46 years and therefore able to fend for myself. Nevertheless, in the past on the 2 afternoons mum had dd as she would be doing a supper for her, dad and dd, she would plate me up a meal too so I wouldn't have to cook when I got home from working. Well, I figured that this would stop when she started seeing dd again not least because when I thanked her for popping round the odd bag of food which she used to do she said I was downright rude and she wouldn't be doing it again and she hasn't so I figured then that any "extras" would be no more. I still think she doesn't realise I meant occasional by the word odd, not that the food she gave us was odd if you see what I mean!! Anyway, that stopped, and if yesterday is anything to go by the supper has too. Now, I had sort of thought she would do that because I think she wants to either prove some point, or maybe "punish" me for not doing what they want me to do or demonstrate their disapproval of me working and keeping my home or it could be her way of saying if I drop the supper its one more thing you will have to do and therefore will add to the pressure of you being able to keep things going. Whatever her reasons, Im not playing the game. I was always grateful for what she did do, and last night was no exception. Thank you for having dd, have a nice bh, goodbye... And I have to say the less she does do the better as it provides them with less of a hold over me. They did ask if I had been working all the day. Yes I said. Well if I said I had a sleep for an hour in addition to my usual breaks during the day that would have added fuel to the fire. Doesn't the prove you shouldn't be working they would say. As it is by saying yes, Ive probably caused them to discuss how ridiculous it is that I work such long days.

Re the halifax complaint Im just going to have to get it written on paper in a min. Its been whirling around in my head and I just have no faith at all that someone is going to phone/contact me to resolve the errors. If they were going to call me they should have done so by now. Its 48 hours since I raised the issues. Im sure I will sleep better if its down on paper and sorted as far as that goes. I can take it to my local branch and make sure it gets sorted that way. One of the things I am so anxious about now is a trip dd and I are going on tomorrow, to the Isle of Wight for the day with a friend and her dd. We shouldn't be going. I had reserved £50 for it and now that money should be paying the mortgage. I had arranged it thinking I would need £350 for the mortgage this month, not £600. Dd is so excited about it, and can you imagine if I cancelled what the comeback would be from my parents. if they knew why I had cancelled it..Doesn't this prove dd has a dreadful life, that you can't take afford to take her out for the day.
I am due to take dd horseriding today. I know the view from here was to keep on with that but I hate taking her, I hate knowing thats it happening because mum thinks I give dd a dreadful life. I just hate it. Thats the truth. So, I think I need to get a cup of tea, and restart the day. Stop thinking about my parents. Just know the Halifax thing wil lget sorted eventually with my letter I'll write to them, and be grateful that I can pay my mortgage by the 8th Sept, work as hard as I poss can to get ahead of myself so that I am not in this situation again, and be grateful for being alive, for my dd and for a nice BH ahead and do something nice for someone else, come from contribution rather than have this dreadful worry and self pity that starting to build up. Its got to stop!!

beanielou

Big hugs hun.Keep plodding xx

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, Ive got my complaint down on paper. IfI have time today Ill get the mortgage statements that Im attaching to it photocopied so I can hand it in to the branch. Ive got to go to the branch today anyway. I dont understand but I had a letter saying the direct debits relating to the home insurance - the new policy - would go out on 1st September and they've gone out today pushing me £15 over my limit. Fortunately, I had reserved £50 for our trip to Isle of Wight on Sunday and spent only £26 plus I have some deliveries to do today so I have sufficient cash to pay in and cover my petrol until tomorrow/weds. So, I can get my account within its limit again, but another example of being advised one thing and something else happening.. After 2 months they send you a cheque for £60 as a "thankyou" for having a policy with them. Once Ive received that which will essentially pay for my first 2 months premium and leave me money left over Im going to cancel it with them and go to Motorbility with whom I obtained a quote in recent times. After this saga they can forget any hope of me having any type of insurance with them!

Dd had a lovely horse riding lesson on Saturday. So, I tell myself there are many children who wouldlove the chance to do horse riding so I must be grateful she has the opportunity despite mum's reasons for why she says she pays for it. I must rise above it all and remember its not about me, the horse riding, its for dd and really try and forget what she said. At the mo, Im wondering in truth how I can but I have to give it a go... On that note, dd is at mums again today. Im v grateful she wants to see dd. I plan to keep it amicable but brief again. Hi mum, hope you had a nice bh. What time would you like me to pick up dd? Will see you then. Thanks. Bye.....

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Took dd to mum and dad's yesterday. Everything ok, but mum suddenly said before I left dd there, "we really should talk, you must have lots to say. We are here for you when you are ready." I just looked at her and thought my god you really do think the things you've said are ok to say, that you are justified, that it's me being difficult , and now you want me to come to you and talk some more. Why? So you can abuse me even more. So you can tell me how all my life is a failure again. Is'nt this situation we are in now because I did just that. I came to my mum, to you for help after falling 3 times in January and opened a can of worms of bullying and verbal abuse from you, dad and sis. And the reason I thought you would help me is that you had told me last year to come to you more often for help, so I do and .....You are in complete denial of your maliciousness and bullying - all 3 of you. Why would I put myself in a position where it could occur again? You've made it clear you do not support me in what I am doing. Thats your choice and I have to accept that, but I certainly do not need more criticism and abuse from you all. And at the end of the day why does there have to be a discussion. You needed money from your parents, they gave it to you, that was that, sis needed money and I gave it to her that was that. I didn't ask you for help re money, you offered when I needed money for my car adaption and two boiler repairs. You offered, I accepted all hell breaks lose, Im not coping you say, I must change my life. You needed help when you were ill and I gave it to you , that was that. When I want to ask if you could have dd for an afternoon so I can rest my leg after the falls in January it never happened, all hell breaks lose. It all stinks of double standards, and I just can not abide the way you have bullied me and treated me. Indeed I don't know whats worse, the invitation to potentially go through it all again or the fact that you seem none the wiser that what you have said has been simply appalling. Between all 3 of you there is not a part of my life that has not come under your fire.

So, thats what I thought and still think!At the end of the day, I have become increasingly aware that by keeping working as best that I can, I am closing doors of help that would otherwise be there or I presume are still there bearing in mind the cuts from the govt coming into effect. Its just so upsetting to realise my family are in that category too. Yes, they see dd twice a week and whilst thats nice for them its helpful to me too which I have always been appreciative of. Then again if they didn't see dd then, they simply wouldn't see her. And they are her grandparents. Looking at things positively the support I do receive for endeavouring to keep going as I am is here on this forum, my v close friends and even dd and the two charities with whom Im involved and which I hope will still exist with the cuts they are having to face. So, I am v fortunate to have a concensus that to be disabled and working isn't a crime after all. It's just sometimes a helping hand enables me to keep going rather than limping along - excuse the pun for that is what I do every day, limp along!!! -, and I am just thinking to be able to work if I fall again I just have to keep going. My friends have their lives, and my family have made it clear they do not want to know and indeed they do not know about my last fall where I have scarred my good arm it would seem. So, I need to focus on keeping going, not putting myself in a place where I could be on the receiving end of more negativity. I just don't need it and Im sick to death of having to justify why I want to work as long as I can manage it. It's totally bizarre. Theres a saying, whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you are probably right. I believe I will be mortgage and debt free within 10 years. I just need to keep my head down, do as well as I can. Dd is having a lovely life and I want to feel proud of where we are to where we have come from. The best thing will be when I can look at our home and its all paid for!! V exciting!

I am also grateful I have a supportive doc and thelady Im seeing re counselling is also v lovely. Her just telling me Im not going mad is reassuring.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, its friday! Im taking dd to mums today. Have decided to keep it very to the point. Hi there, heres Jill, what time would you like me to pick her up by? Would 6/6.30 be ok? Thanks, Bye. At 6/6.30 later when I collect her, Hi, thank you, come on dd, lets get going. Say thank you to granny. Have a nice weekend. Bye.

Financially, I have to sit down this weekend and check where I am with things. I missed a higher bonus from work by £200. I know what it is, so many of my customers like me are focusing their efforts on getting their children sorted for the new term. Many of my good good customers are keeping the catalogues until next week to enable them to still look at them and possibly order. It's just the way things have worked out this month. So, my bonus will be £97 less than I was hoping. I still think I've earned slightly more than I need to but my month to month budgeting hasn't included the extra expenses of having dd on hols this month. Tonight, dd and I are having a chinese take away at my friend who has looked after dd the last few Mondays in the school hols. It is a thank you to her, and I am so looking forward to it, but its money I shouldn't be spending in truth. Anyway, once I know where I am with my budget I will feel happier.

With regard to my complaint with the Halifax, I handed in my letter yesterday. They wanted me to go in today for another appointment with the original guy who told me the incorrect info. No, I said. I can not take any more of my time up with this. I want it just sorted and rectified and hear from your complaints department with a resolution and an apology. Ok. So, thats what I am waiting for. If I haven't heard anything by next Friday Ill be down at the branch again chasing it.

My priority now is to get organised for this coming period. re work. The next four weeks I can potentially earn more than my basic outgoings. I am assessing my food cupboards this weekend to check what I can make for the freezer and to ensure I keep my food bills to an absolute minimum. I must keep my mortgage up to date and have enough money to put in my tax pot to pay my accountant re my tax affairs. I need to advise tax credits accurately of my net income. I have over projected what I think my net income is so it could hopefully be to my advantage once I have the accurate figures which is why I would prefer my tax return is done soon than later. I could be missing out on vital money best scenario, worst case scenario, things could stay the same!

Thats me. Sun out today and lots to get done..I like all of us needs to really try and stay positive. Oh thats right and I have been doing some self development work on myself. With regard to my family, I am trying to remember, What others think of you is none of your business"!

taxi73

keep on plodding things will get easier

beanielou

Keep plodding x

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well yesterday was strained at my mums when I went to collect dd. In themorning when I had dropped her off mum had offered to bring dd home but what I didn't want was for mum to be in my house , start on about everything and then me have nowhere to escape. At least if anything is said at their house, I have the option of leaving, that isn't an option here at home. So, I said thank you mum, but I may be able to finish earlier so Ill come and pick dd up when Im done if thats ok. I collected dd at about 6 and said thank you, have a nice weekend, we both said goodbye, but there was a huge sense that mum wanted to say more. Anyway, at least dd got to see her granny and grandpa three times this school hols and she loves them...

We had a nice chinese with my friend last night, we had a laugh. Dd was v good. We came home and for some reason I started re-reading my favorite book, The 7 strategies of Wealth and Happiness by Jim Rohn. As a consequence of that have re-defined my goals for the next 1, 3, 5 and 10 years, plus done a plan for the rest of this year which sees me selling on ebay, cutting back my sugar intake, addressing my sleep which has been erratic sice my dh situation, do everything in my power not to fall, be more organised with my suppers particularly now mum is no longer plating up a supper for me on the days she has dd. That was always a luxury for which I was always v appreciative to mum but I know I get tired so I need to ensure I have a supper I can just do quickly or get from the freezer to defrost and heat up. So, to that end, this afternoon and tomorrow will see me make a cottage pie and fish pie which I will portion up and plonk in the freezer for such days. Mum might just be thinking she doesn't want to do it anymore and lets face it why should she? I always knew it was a lovely gesture from her but a part of me does wonder if she has stopped because she knows I get tired and it might make me more tired and then I'll be forced to do as she and dad have told me I should do which it won't. I may sound a horrible person saying that but I just don't know what to think. Maybe its her way of making clear that if I continue to work and run my business all the while I can, I'm truly on my own, they made clear that they can not support me - by that I dont mean financially but in an encouragement, believing in me way - if I continue to work and not apply for Incapacity and potentially sell my home. Anyway, whatever her reasons, Im grateful for when she did do it and I will be able to feed myself so all will be well. I just want to be more organised to combat the tiredness I know is often more inevitable in the winter months.

So, am feeling more sorted and hopeful and organised re my "wealth" and "health" plans. Am working on taking each day as it comes and with the help of the lady Im seeing every2/3 weeks will hopefully rise up and be a less worried person. I want to truly believe in myself regardless of what others think and when others doubt my abilities to not question myself. Its the constant questioning ofmyself that I need to tackle and my sleep. I really want to become a better person through this and in turn be able to offer dd true security when in the future we could be facing the release of dh murderer and so forth. I want to beable to handle these situations. Dd and I are doing the garden today. Dd may be just 8 but shes a massive help to me and for that Im grateful. Dear dear dd. I love her so much and I truly hope she won't look back at her childhood years and think they are "dreadful". I really hope she will know I will always do my best by her. Shes back at school on tuesday and Ive arranged it so Im not working on Monday, had no choice realy as there are no childcare facilities open anywhere. Anyway, its her last day so we will do something nice even if its watching the boats down at the harbour! Can't believe the school could impose 5 inset days in one holiday. Hopefully thats it for the year.. Need to get organised for tuesday and we will be fine!

satchmo1

Hi P&F

I heard something on the radio and thought of you. A government subsidy is ending on 31 October 2011 whereby National Express coach tickets are free to registered disabled, but they will honour tickets bought before end October for travel up to August next year. If you are going away with your lovely support group, will you go by coach? I know you went by train last year, but if you knew the dates you might be able to put some tickets "in the bank" to save money?

Anyway, keep on keeping on, you are doing so well, and your daughter knows you love her and always sounds so happy. What a great example you are as a parent, bless you.

Hugs, Satchmo