Today is a new day!

mum2one

Just popped by to say hi, flipped through your first few pages, and you've been through the mill and back, so so sorry about DH, your DD sounds one in a million,
Just a fly by to say hi. x

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Yes, I do know I can see this time through. I may have just 4p to my name till later but I know where Im at with all my debt. I know that in 4/5 years I will be over half way there without any cr card debt and then just the mortgage to focus my efforts on. I have a business plan in place which takes into account as far as poss the changes that will no doubt occur with my dd as she grows up and as the debt decreases.Seeing the news about Syria ans Lybia, there are people in this world who are dying for the rights we take for granted in this country, and so in my way I too will continue fighting to hold my own, and be a free spirit whether my family want me to or not.

Regarding my dad's tel message I couldn't properly relax during the rest of the day yesterday and I lay awake last night worrying and thinking about it which annoys me because I am tired today and it tells me I have to definately stay away from any discussion with them because of the detrimental effect it has on me. Even typing about it now gives me an ill feeling.... I am just about to text my mum to say that there is really nothing to discuss, and have a good day..As for Fathers Day this Sunday as I am the child living the closest to my parents it is usually I who asks my parents over for tea or lunch unless my mum has a family gathering at their place... This time I can not bring myself to do it given the direction the talking might go. So, we have a grandpa and fathers day card, I will bake some scones and buy some cigars but thats all this year..It's a shame but I am fast realising once more that I need to prioritise my well being not wishing to sound selfish because unless that is in order my dd and I and my work capabilities just go downhill. So, no more negativity, a bit more being brave and believing in me and going out there doing my best which if I keep going can be good enough. With sales in the £950 mark last week and also a couple of customers interested in joining my team too, with a newsletter just about ready to distribute to my customers talking about the business as an earning opportunity for them t6ogether with other bits of news, there is so much to be positive about. I just need to keep upright and make sure no more gin is in my tea (just joking!Im teetotal!) so I dont fall....!!!!!

poorbutrich

Hi P&F
Do you think that, since it was your dad that called rather than your mum, that perhaps your parents might have had a change of heart and have decided to be more supportive?

If you do decide to meet them, have you got a friend who could sit in with you? Perhaps someone from the NVA charity?

I am absolutely raging at your DD's teacher. In this day and age, where "data protection" seems to be the answer to everything, how is it possible to humiliate a little girl in front of an entire classroom of children?

I think you are amazing to handle all of this - you have been dealt some really awful blows and most of them have been caused by other people's insensitivity. You take care of yourself and that lovely DD of yours xx

InaPickle

Hi PaF!

1) About DD's teacher: can you send in a strongly worded letter to the Head explaining how you are disgusted about what is going on, and that if it happens again you will be taking it further?

2) About your parents: you are in control. I agree with Keeping Motivated, but perhaps you could do with being a little more forceful? What about something like 'I'm glad that you have contacted me as I love you, but I am busy enough dealing with day-to-day life without any more stress on top, so if you would like us to get back in contact permanently then I will take it that we have reached a mutual and silent agreement that my mind will not change about how I live my life and that in contacting me again you will no longer try to change my mind about working, owning my own house or how I raise my DD, even if you do not secretly agree. If we cannot be in contact on these terms, then I would rather we not communicate as I will not tolerate us getting back in contact, then this whole situation escalate again. P.S. If you wish for us to talk I've baked some scones for you for Father's Day, Dad, so feel free to call based on the above agreement. PaF. xxx' ?

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you so much for your advice. I am listening and wanting to the right thing. However, I walked into a dreadful situation with my parents this eve. Mum had asked me to collect dd at 6pm so I did. I said hello, and smiled. First, she asked me how can you smile at me like that when you have written such a dreadful letter to us? Dd was sitting there so we moved to the kitchen where I had mum and dad in front of me. I was well and truly trapped. I said everything in my letter was fact. What could possibly be offensive by saying it as it is? I did love them, I was appreciative of what they do, I have no intention of stopping working etc etc.. My dad told me going on Incapacity Benefit should be viewed as an "opportunity"..In my letter Id said thank you for the "odd" bag of shopping mum had bought me. She took offense to the word "odd" and said she will no longer be doing that for me. Fine I said. Mum said they were not made of money and do I realise how much it takes out of her having dd after school twice a week. I said ok mum. thats fine, dont have her then..She then said well of course we love having her, (so whether they have her on thursday as is the current arrangement remains to be seen..)Then I said I have never asked you for money, you offered, and anyway £350 was for the adaption for the car which surely you don't mind given Ive covered so many previously at three times the cost....Mum said, Why haven't you thanked me for paying the repair bill for the boiler. I said I have so many times, how many thankyous do you want. Then she said something about me not being appreciative of her having dd. I said of course I was..And I said but we are family aren't we mum. There for one another without having to thank each other every few minutes. My sis and I were there for you when our brother was born and helped you. We don't ask you to thank us ongoingly for that.. Then mum said and why do you say I and your sis have also benefited from family money. You are talking years ago. I said I made that point because you are knocking me for being in a place you have both been at one time .. Then why do you mention the cost of adaptions in your letter she said. I replied because I want to make the point that in the scheme of things I think Im doing v well to be coping with the bills we all have plus my disability costs which none of you have. Ive always paid for the things I need for my disability without help from you until last year. Well, why would we pay for those, she said, of course it should be your responsibility. But I didn't ask to be disabled, and she replied neither did we. It doesn't mean we can cover those sort of costs. But you expect me to mum..Thats why you want me reliant on the state isn't it? I said You are not reliant on the state dad said But I would be if I give up work...Mum then said Im going to send your father over to your house and you will just have to talk with him about your finances. Absolutely not I replied. Well how much longer can you go on? You walk dreadfully, you look tired all the time. I said I will be debt and mortgage free by the time Im 55. For goodness sake, she said thats 10 years away. Well, I replied were you mortgage free when you were 55 mum? (The answer is no) and so I think Im doing v well to have a plan I think is achievable to reach that goal. I then said am I to assume you are not supportive of me? Mum said we can not support you, we are not an endless pit ofmoney. No i said, I mean support as in believing in me and what I am achieving? Basically the answer is no. So, why do you still run your business at the age of 71 mum. You yourself know how fulfilled it makes you feel. Why would you deny me that right? Mum said Well, Im not in your situation, you are different to me...Then dad talked about my dh. We know dh didn't contribute financially, you seem to be making a "career"(not the word he used but I can't remember the exact word thankfully because it was v hurtful) out of what happened to him. (I took this to mean that I should be over my dh and not going on trips presumably with the National Victims Assoc. God he has no idea...). And now I have a real insight as to why mum once told me dad finds dd hard to love, because she is dh's dd too. My dh was alcoholic, and anyone who watches a loved one be taken over by an addiction will know how awful that is. Mum then said I was also non complimentary at times about the alcoholism. I said of course I was, I am human, I was living with it, I did want him to get better.I didn't necessarily always like his behaviour - hiding the drink, spending money like it was water on drink - but I loved him... But whatever they say about dh, my dd is part of my dh so to talk like this is to effectively put my dd down too.. At this point I said to mum and dad so this is what you wanted to talk about is it.. Im leaving. I don't need to hear this, and off I walked out of their house feeling strangely calm, along with dd of course..

So, in the car I suddenly thought what if they are right. What if I can't do this. Then I thought of course I will, I am, and I will be ok. Dd will be ok. We will both be ok. I am a very proactive positive person . I will not be giving up work. I will find a way to cover my future disability costs myself. . Both they and my sister have laid their cards on the table, none of them are behind what I am achieving. Thats there choice, but I have choices too. And at the moment I choose to stay away from all of them. They are so full of double standard views and a us and them situation. As mum told me a few weeks ago, they will just have to keep watching on in horror. I know I am absolutely on my own now in terms of my family...

mum2one

So sorry that it all happened, at least in one way its all out in the open and regardless of what happened, he was your husband, you married for better for worse, and you did the best, for someone that has a drink problem, it would be something that could not be cured overnight.

As for the support your getting from your trips, thats exactly why charities like that exist, to help people in have been in that situation, until someone loses a loved one they will never know how it will be.

You have come across to me as a very strong person, you have a wonderful daughter, your taking your disability in your stride (sorry sounds awful) but your not letting it keep you down,

I would work on the basis that they won't have DD on Thurs, is there a friend that could help you out, I know its short notice, but may be worth asking.

You keep your chin up xx

beanielou

Blimey thats a lot to take in
I suppose that at least you know exactly where you stand now.
Will it cause you a lot of bother if your mum doesent have your DD two nights after school?
Kep plodding x

Chocforever

Good on you. It says it all that you left their house feeling calm.

Obviously I do not know the full circumstances, but I do wonder why they are continuing to push their views on your life choices. I think you have been patient in listening to their opinions (again), clear with your answers and reasoning and, above all, extremely diplomatic. Hopefully they will come round in time or at least learn that it is not worth continuing to labour their views on money and work.

For now, it seems you are best off channelling your energy into the business and DD rather than family arguments.

Best wishes.

Verbatim

Well not much new there really. Horribly direct and upfront from them to you but actually more of the same. I think that by sticking to your guns they, (rather than you) now have a choice to make. I'm sure that they will want to continue to see your daughter so will not want to give up Thursdays or to make an irreparable breach with you. If you hold firm and calm this could still work out. You've told them so many times but i think that due to your letter and tonight they might have "heard" at last. Well done PAF.

InaPickle

Can you do it? YES YOU CAN! :T :T :T :T :T

God, PaF, that's awful. I think you are right when you say that you are treated by a different standard to the rest of your family. I guess I can understand it, to a point: if it was your DD and she always looked tired and was finding things hard then you would worry, wouldn't you? But equally, if you had brought DD up to be independant and try her hardest in life, then it's only reasonable not to try to stop her living that way.

I think what has happened is confirmation of what you have suspected for quite a while. For now, at least, you are on your own, but that does not necessarily have to be a bad thing: you have space to plan and act on your own. Perhaps you can create a support net for yourself and DD outside the family? And I would recommend getting over to Memorygirl's Matrix thread to meet some other people in hard circumstances who are (mostly) having a whale of a time getting where they want to be in life.

*Major hugs* I'm sorry this had to happen, but sometimes the darkest hour is before dawn. xxx