Today is a new day!

InaPickle

Good stuff, PaF: keep on breathing indeed - it's getting a lot easier for you!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Just been working out my finances... again. Dd broke up from school on wednesday and yesterday and today are a bit all over the place, a few chores, a bit of work and catching up. I have ebay I want to get on with but feel guilty as Ive been on my computer getting other things upstraight such asmy invoices and emails and I want to give dd a good time. I think I can do these administritive chores after dd asleep but wrong. Am so tired come the eve and often fall asleep myself by 9pm so that plan goes out of the window!!! Anyway, dd is as always so good and understanding. we need to go to the bank today and later we have a handful of deliveries and books to sort. Tomorrow, we plan to get the paint we need to do the fence. I am realising I have been too positive in tems of my additional debt repayments. I have decided to sacrifice my snowball plan a bit so I can afford to take dd out for days plus childcare is more expensive as Ineed more of it being the hols and whilst I knew this the reality is stilla shock so I am still doing some snowballing, just not as I would want it to be until September.

I recd a text from my mum earlier this week. They are away on hols for a couple of weeks, she has other commitmernts but says if I want her to help with childcare to let her know. If she hadn't said all that she has said this sort of offer would be very appreciated but given her reaction after she offered to pay for my last car adaption, I just can't bring myself to ask her for anything or take her up on her offer, my god my life would not be worth living if it was to backfire again and I was accused of being a failure for not being able to afford to take dd on a hol as an eg or for working instead of living on benefits. No, I just can't go there. It's really bizarre, the 3 family members involved just carry on as if they had never said anything, however for me what they said has changed everything. I just can't forget what happened. I haven't told them about my award although other family know so if they have heard about it through the grapevine, they are not offering any positive comments. Actually, Ill stop going on about it as it is still so upsetting. I am embarrassed that I receive more gratefully received support from charities than from my family, that my family have simply not been on hand when I fall or anything. and expect me to be able to cover my costs for being disabled while they have hols when they themselves have said they can not afford to help me so basically its clear Im on my own. Im getting psyched up for next year when I may be told my car adaption needs replacing again. Im assuming I won't need more than £500 which is better than the £1000 I have had to find. These are the times I wish I had qualified for compensation from the government given my disability was caused by vaccine damage but Ineed to refrain from being bitter and twisted!!!! I need to be grateful for everything positive in my life, I am just beginning to think I can not afford any contact with my family because rightly or wrongly my mind drags me down with all they've said and I can not afford to be negative in my head for thats when I start to doubt myself and become a person I don't want to be. Well, thats me! Looking forward to the nice weather forcast next week!

mum2one

Your doing brilliantly, it seems as soon as your family get involved it drags you down, if there a friend that DD can go to part of the time and maybe you offer a sleepover in return, as sure DVD and some chocolate win the day.

Youve made brilliant dents in the debts, its ok to pay the minimum for a month or so whilst it the school holidays then this gives you the breathing space for time with DD then when shes back at school maybe look at another snowball, try not to be hard on yourself, you achieve so much, and you do so well. xx

taxi73

totally agree with the above x keep on plodding you are doing so well

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, first week of school hols a bit challenging. I have made the necessary amendments so it doesn't all remain challenging. I want dd and me to enjoy this summer break from school. It feels like most people I speak to are going away or ask me where we are going, and of course we are not these summer hols. We have however made a start on the garden fence - painting it - and have enjoyed the nice weather while doing so. Dd has painted some wonderful flowers and clouds on the garden shed. And I remind myself as lovely as it would be to go away and relax for a few days, the situation is that I need to keep going, keep paying off the debt, that has to continue to be my priority..
One thing I did do today is pay the mortgage. We are very short on cashflow at the moment due to me not putting an order through since Monday. This is due to rearranging work plans this week given the hot weather and me worrying about working with dd here and there. At the time I felt so guilty and changed things around so dd didn't have to be with me for 2 hours here and there, now, at the end of the week I regret not following my original action plan, as it unsettles the money situation and I have been a bit panicky about it. So, I have forfeited a big food shop in order to be able to take dd to a local farm on Sunday, its £4 each to go, we will take a picnic and we can live on what we have in the food cupboards. I have enough money to cover petrol until Wednesday and then we will be ok. With the mortgage out of the way, we will be in a position to allocate funds appropriately as they start coming in. I plan to have a significant amount of orders to process come the end of Monday and I am going to be spending 2/3 hours tomorrow morning doing ebay. Lesson No 1, work must still continue, dd has to fit in where appropriate to ensure the bills are kept on top of. There is simply no room for complacency and it means the time dd and I do share is great quality, fun time without worry.

Other than all that, life is ticking on. Health wise, my pins and needles inmy hand is not so bad, must be the warm weather, on the not so good, my right hip and leg have been uncomfortable, bordering painful. My right side is the working half of me and I can only assume its starting to wear out having had to work overtime to compensate for my "wonky side"!!! I don't plan to go to the docs just yet. Im keeping a record in my diary of when I really do notice it and will go from there. I won't panic just yet, I just hope my best can be good enough and it doesn't get worse or become consistently happening!

Onward and upward.. will have no trouble sleeping tonight!

beanielou

Keep plodding.

chevalier

PAF are you taking glucosamine tablets or similar, might help a bit.

Obviously I don't know about your case, but I am surprised you were entitled to compensation if your disability was caused by vaccine damage. Is it too late to look into this again?
chev

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thanks for the suggestion Chevalier. It's something I am going to look into this coming week having discussed supplements with a friend recently. I'm thinking folic acid and cod liver oil amd multi vitamins. Re the compensation, originally I didn't qualify because I wasn't disabled enough. From what my parents said I would have had to be over 90% or thereabouts disabled to get anything. Then when I was pregnant I was written to by the Government Medical dept saying the rules had changed and I could qualify so I could re-apply. I thought nothing ventured nothing gained. I applied, they wrote back to me eventually to say that they had decided my disability wasn't due to vaccine damage after all without saying what had and so I wouldn't qualify. I contacted them asking how they could make such a judgement without seeing me and if they were correct in their decision why had I been on their vaccine damage list for 40 odd years and why had I been written to about the rule change in the first place!? They said they would forward to me my medical records which they did but all the crucial documentation from the time the vaccine damage happened was missing. There is just one letter that mentions it. Call me a cynic but what would you make of that? Convenient I would suggest! I never followed it up because by this time dd was just born, then dh wasmurdered and of course I had my hands full dealing with that. Then as further "battles" began to unfold I just couldn't bare the thought of another one with the government. So, I have never followed it up. I just think to myself I am very blessed to not be more disabled than I am, there are many others who for one reason or another never received compensation for their disabilities and I am better off mentally and emotionally not fighting the govt position. It would just be me against them and I don't want to battle anymore and it could make me feel very ill and upset and I know I still have issues to work on myself with regard to my self confidence and self esteem so I feel it would be just one battle to much. It's been hard enough with dh murder, tax credits/Inland Rev, Social Services and my family. I just want to be thebest I can be and feel able to continue with my life in the now. So, thats where I'm at.

Just quickly re my family. I am at the stage of deciding whether to stop dd seeing my parents after school. They wrote to my dd bearing in mind she is 9 with information as to when they could see her this summer. I was annoyed because the two days they can see her are already fully booked with other plans so I had to tell dd that she couldn't and was made to feel like the bad guy and I felt Mum should have directed theletter to me, not a 9year old. My aunt has suggested we see a family counsellor . My feeling is that is not for me. I have just gone through a course of bereavement counselling. I know my strengths, my weaknesses which are an ongoing work in progress, I know what I want to achieve and I know where I want to go in life. My parents and sister have no remorse for what they have said and done - my mum shouted an apology down the phone a while back for saying mylife was dreadful on the basis that she didn't know if it still was!. My feeling is they clearly see me as the problem. Things my Mum did say she has since denied and called me a liar so I would be up against it in a counselling situation. I do not want to discuss my life. I wonder does Mum think she would be able to get me to stop work or sell my home with the help of a counsellor? My feeling is I need to keep my distance, work on the areas over which I can change - that is me as a person, my confidence and so forth. Also, I would have no assurance that mum would not go away and discuss what was shared in a counselling session with dad and my sister and then the next time they feel they need to tellme to change my life it would be even worse than this time holding me to account for what was shared. So, I am staying away from that. I have apologisd to my aunt for becoming involved and thanked her for her suggestion but that I would be declining it.

Finances, yes. Have caught up significantly since my last post here. Have managed some lovely days out with my dd and friends and today will be no exception. Work is going exceptionally well at the mo. This week saw sales of £940 so keeping near to my ideal £1K target.

I am aware my good leg isn't as it should be. It tires and becomes painful but I am also aware that if I try and rest more it helps it. Will go to the docs even if only to record it on my file when dd back at school. Will see if supplements help. Otherwise, onward and upwards. Looking forward and trying to stay as positive and focused as possible!

Thats me. Off to enjoy thelovely weather while it lasts!

beanielou

All Im going to say is that it seems odd for your parents to write to a 9 year old.Im sure that you get my drift.

Rainbow_Bridge

Hi there,

I thought of this quote when I read your post. I think there comes a point in one's life, where you just have to be true to yourself and strike out for what you believe in otherwise you go nuts.

It's not easy, but your family need to respect your right to make your own decisions, and it's their tragic loss if they can't see what a brave, battler you are xx.

'The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself'. Niezche