Today is a new day!

InaPickle

Delighted about the award, PaF! You thoroughly deserve it! :j

The plans sound good for the business: you never stop, do you?!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, its all been a bit tricky these last few days. Ive debated whether or not to post on here at all, I just feel so low but thats how it is. Sorry but thats me at the moment. I haven't been sleeping properly and I feel drained. Am I being unreasonable not "moving on "with my parents and sister? Should I put it all behind me? Its what my sister says I should do. I have realised they slowly chip away at me, hear nothing from them and I'm fine, getting on with things and then a letter or a text. Just before the school hols it was texts from mum about how she had never seen dd in the school hols. Before that it was a letter to me from her talking about blame which I couldn't make much sense of. After the texts about dd I decided to write a letter back to all 3 of them, my parents and sister saying I loved them but this is my perspective as to why we are at this stage. It was all in black and white, written so nothing could be denied and for me just as I have apologised for saying how low I have felt, I said I needed apologies too that were not accompanied with further insults. I think I may have said before mum did shout an apology down the phone to me a while ago for saying I had a dreadful life and gave dd a dreadful life but she did so on the premise that she hadn't spoken to me for a year or so and didn't know if our lives were still dreadful!. Anyway, then I recd a text from mum asking if dd wanted to join her in going to my neices bday party. It was clear I was not invited. I texted my sister to see if she had asked mum or if it was mums idea. It was mums suggestion. I asked sis if she would have invited dd if mum hadn't suggested and the answer was no. Although there is only a year between my dd and her neices, in 10 years she has only been invited to 1 party, wheras dd invites them over every year for her bday so that is why I thought it strange she was all of a sudden wanted there. As it transpires the pty clashes with when we have my brother and wife over for the day so I texted mum to say no. Then a text, and a second text from mum telling me to call The Samaritans which I found really bizarre. Its again telling me what to do, its assuming she knows best and why would she want me to call The Samaritans. Suffice to say I haven't. Ive done so much work on myself in recent counselling despite this low patch I have made progress. Following the second text I then worried that when dd next goes round to my parents after school which is tomorrow mum and dad will do what they did before and come in with her and essentially tell me to do what they want me to so I have texted mum saying I love them but for me they need to regret what they've said to move on. There is nothing right about them telling me I make an industry from my dh murder or that I should go on benefits or the last 25 years of my life have been awful. Then I said please dont come into my home with dd to try and get me to do what they want. Meanwhile I have been in text with my sister and she basically sees no need to apologise for anything. I'm twisting everything, or she denies saying things then doesn't deny and its got all a bit ridiculous. We need to agree to disagree which was probably themost sensible thing she said. However for me I would have to accept they disagree that what they have said has been awful and I can not do that and thats the problem I have. I see nothing right about tellingme I make an industry out of dh murder and if I do that by saying his name what will they accuse me of when the time comes when Im dealing with the release of the murderer so if they believe what they have said is ok whats to stop them from saying it again and again. It culminated in my deciding to phone my sis and then promtly wishing I hadn't as I became hysterical on the phone, apparently my apology for being low was sarcastic and therefore not an apology and she didn't want me to apologise anyway and thats what upset me. Her children were with her when I became hysterical. The last time I was like that was I think after dh was murdered when it had sunk in. I texted my sister and requested please do not text, contact me again. I have since texted her to apologise for my call and for any upset caused to the children but at the moment I see myself never seeing my sister again. For me, their attitude to my life is their problem but its mine too because I wish they could just say just once Lou do you know you are doing so well but Ive got to accept that is highly unlikely, as will never getting an apology as my sister made all to clear on the phone to me.

I would love to tell them about my recent award but there would be really no point. When talking about how she wants me on benefits I told mum once how I was the only disabled person in the group Im part of in Kl she just replied well what does that tell you. In other words I should be on benefits. What would she say if I told her I was possibly the only disabled person, if not, one of no more than say five in the top 2% retailers in the Company that trades in 4 countries? I dont want to paint them as awful parents. I do love them but the reality is they have such a low view of me. Sitting here now. I just feel the tears coming back. Do I just pretend none of them exist and carry on which is the only option its seems to me for the mo. If I try to move on with them things could never be the same anyway so even if they were to say sorry it would be futile. Nothing could be the same. And thinking about it the only time in my life I don't recall any criticism of my life was when dh was alive. I can recall situations where I've towed the line and done as I was told by my parents before dh came into my life and since his murder I've "rebelled" doing what I want perservering with work etc and so it goes on. Thinking about it its been periodic since dh murder them telling me I should do things differently and getting personal with it, its just this time has been the most serious and the most awful. So, moving on would only mean calm that until the next time they want to pick holes with what I am doing. I can't actually afford to let them know anything about my life. Thats the thing I find so upsetting.

Changing the subject completely, I went to my dentist recently and hes refering me to a hospital in London. I think my teeth look ok but its my gums hes concerned about. Its partly related to my epilepsy medication and partly because when I was epileptic I just couldn't alway clean my teeth in the bathroom so scared was I of having a fit. Anyway, it prompted me to google my medication to see what other side effects there are and depression is one. I wonder if my low times are not helped by my medication and that would help explain some of those times. I need to go to the doc anyway but i want to check with her about it. Also, my right leg, my good leg is more painful than my disabled one these days, in fact every day. I just get on with it but this sort of development is a bit worrying, I need to keep on top of it but I would never ever divulge it to my family. My god what would that bring on from them? The reality is I am on my own dealing with my disability in my family. I worry about the effect that could have on dd but we can only take a day at a time.

Anyway, re finances, Ive had the front of my house painted. Whilst it has halted my snowball plan paying for that, Its a weight off my mind, its done for another decade and my next task is my Halifax od. My sales are kicking off and I just need to keep going and stay positive. I must not start to doubt myself.

As Ive typed this my sis has texted me saying I dont need to apologise for my call, she can see Im angry and upset but frustration is felt by all. Im notgoing to respond. Why are they so frustrated with me. It comes down to the fact im not doing what they want, what else could it possibly be? And that Im not taking what they've said with a pinch of salt. I can't. Its cut too deep - I hope that the right expression!.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

jamieboy

What an awful situation for you but it's probably a good idea to get your medication checked. in spite of everything you really are an inspiration and doing so well with your sales and finances.
On a lighter note let us know when your Kl website is up and running.

mum2one

I know I come into the journey later on, but can see where you coming from, and in a lot of ways - have some things on common,

both disabled, but stubborn and try to get on with things, for you that is work for me that is doing degree with OU.

both got daughters, think same age or so - DD is 10, both red cross young carers, + both help out under different circumstances

Same with family - mine rest of relatives if I didn't contact them they would never contact us - ditto for parties dd invites her cousin who is 10days younger, invite never returned.

I have always been there for family, - but they do not understand the gallback from relationships, i walked out of violent and abusive relationship, - spent 2 yrrs fighting through court, unless youve been through a bad time others won't really know.

This is what I think.

You need to move forward, your doing brilliantly with K1, thats been proved with your award

Your mum brings you down, everytime theres contact with your mum and dad you end up taking 10 steps back

Your mediciation - glad your dentist etc on board, - know my night tablets have dried up saliva, so xhewing gum like an old cow - speak to the doc as well

Depression - Your down but speak to GP incase tablets are contributing to it. The lady who you had councelling with (the parrot) can you get back in toucj with them

Rest of familly - bar your brother (think that was the nice one) then write to the others state this is the plan, this is what I'm doing and support me or not

Husband- I can never know what you went through but for the sake of your daughter, I think you still need to grieve but I feel that it has a large impact on your life, and you need to change the perspective around, You have to think your daughter may want to talk to you about him in different ways, she may want to remember him in different ways, she may not feel able to talk to you about it.
I really think that councelling could be an idea.

Work - that sounds like you have a lot going forward, and if your friend still helping with website etc.

after school clubs - is there an after school club dd can go to that would mean you wouldn't need to have your mum coming in and beliittling you, then if you need to schedule a longer working day you have the freedom and knowledge that DD is safe.

x

beanielou

Yet again words fail me.
You are doing so well & dont ever forget it.
Speak to your GP re feeling low & keep plodding xx

MalmesburyMagic

Hello POSITIVE AND FOCUSED , have just found your diary and subscribed What an inspiration you are Wishing you loads of luck xx MM XX

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, Ive come on with a view to apologise for my last post in which I feel I was totally out of order saying how I have felt these last few days, and there are 4 so lovely responses which in a good way make me cry! Thank you for your encouragement and support.

I would love to put my Kl website on here but I thought you were not allowed to? Can anyone reading this clarify that? I didn't want to break any rules. Could I put my website and my facebook details in my signature for example?

Mum2One, in answer to your points..

Ive decided in order to move on from the family situation I just need to keep away from my mum, dad and sister so to that end I haven't responded to my sis text yesterday and later dd is going to my parents after school and I have arranged with her to knock on the front door and push it open so I don't have to go to the front door to let her in and risk having an upsetting conversation with them.

Will make an appt with doc this week.

Despite acknowledging me feeling low, I'm still coping. During my recent counselling my counsellor said I was a v strong person. I'm going out shortly working, I am aware Im tripping up more , this morning tripped up in the kitchen so I need to really pace myself more than usual.

Rest of family re writing to them. I don't know if I have it in me to write to them again right now. I feel Ive explained myself enough to them and I would never expect them to write to me about their life plans re work or where they live etc. Their choices are what they are. So. I will bear your suggestion in mind. Thank you.

Me and dd are I think ok re dh. We do have a very close relationship. If dd wants to talk about him, I don't stop her. Ive shared happy memories of him with her. She had counselling recently too and I've always said to her if she feel she needs more as she gets older then she just has to say. I'm thinking in particular of how the potential release of the murderer could be for her.

Re my brother it dawned on me in the night when I was awake thinking about it all whilst he has never wanted to get caught up in who said what, he did say to me he can see mum and dad have gone about things completely the wrong way, and have been too personal in the process and of course he understands I just want to keep working for as long as I can. So, I am not alone in my family in that regard.

Re school clubs, dd already attends one on two days. Two other days she goes to my parents and the fifth day shes with me. I have decided to keep it that she does see my parents. She loves them and dd's happiness is paramount. She doesn't not want to see them. They are the only family she sees other than me on a regular basis. There are no relatives on my dh side for her to have a relationship with. I intend to monitor how things go, if mum "uses" dd in any way I will have to stop the contact and arrange for dd to go to the after school club.

Thats it. I'm off to get those orders in and do my best today. Try not to fall over!

mum2one

You take care, really sorry if i upset you in any way, sounds daft but was really worried about.
Thats a good idea re DD and knocking the door, at least it gives you a chance not to have a confortration,
Your doing a wonderful job with DD, and she really is one in a million, xx

Verbatim

I have been away for the last three weeks and no time now to post much but just wanted to say how difficult this time obviously is for you but that you will get through it, as you always do.
And congrats again on your impressive achievement at work. I'm glad you enjoyed the trip and came back fizzing with new ideas for growing your business.
V xx

mum2one

just a thought re website - technically any advertising would need to be on referrals boards, but surely if one of us wanted to ask you something would you object to a pm?? xx