Today is a new day!

Itsadogslife_2

Hi PAF, just wanted to by and say hi - you are doing so well and are a real inspiration.

Kids don't need to do expensive hobbies like horse riding and stuff anyway - just as many fun things to do that are free Naughty of them to play piggy in the middle with an 8 year old - aren't parents so mature sometimes :mad:

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, its been a hell of a few days!

Firstly, Chevalier, thanks for popping in. I hear what you say and to that end a friend recently saw a walker at a boot sale which I think will come in handy particularly should the weather turn drastically. She bought it for £40 while the prev owners had bought it for £90 last year. A bargain!Also, I have already adapted my work routine so the likelihood of falling is less. I work out and about from my car mon, tues, weds I work from home in the main so Im resting my legs, thurs, fri out and about working, sat and sun home with dd. On the 4 days I work out and about as Im s/e I can incorporate rest periods and plan my day around where Im working that day and I have my walking stick with me in the car. For now thats all helping and whilst my limping is as it is so far so good. Also, the doc said she would refer me for physio during the winter months if needed and I have an exercise bike here at home I invested in on the recommendation of my physio at the time, keep my muscles working to the best of their ability.

So, weds was a dreadful day. My aunty sent me an email recently asking how I was and I shared with her bits about what had been going on which she said she would keep confidential. My aunt confided in me that mum had told her she was worried about me. So why have they essentially not been there for 5 months? Also I can not live my life according to what they think is best for them. Im sure alot of parents are concerned for their offspring on tour in Afghanistan and so forth, it doesn't stop their children following their path in the forces. Anyway on weds, mum phoned my best friend, asked if it wd be a good idea if she and dad came round to talk to me and my friend said no she didn't think so. My friend had an opportunity to ask my mum what her "side" of it was and my mum put the phone down on her.
Then a little later who should turn up on my doorstep but mum and dad. Dd was here, we were just about to have supper and watch a dvd. That all went by the wayside. The same friend mum had called earlier who lives up the road came up to see if I needed moral support, mum didn't want her in the house so my friend understood and went back home. I wish in hindsight I had said she was staying as once again I found myself on my own defending myself with mum and dad in front of me, 2 against 1, and dd crying listening to it all. I'm lying. That the basis of it all. Mum didn't say all the things I know she said. They were merely suggesting I consider Incapacity Benefit. No, I said , then shouted. You told me it was time. I was shouting at them as I just couldn't get through to them. Mum was raising her voice too and of course there was no where for me to escape because it was in my home. Mum said I would never say I want no part of your disability. You did mum. Ive always fought for you, all my life she said. I know mum. You've always told me that and Ive always thanked you. But the truth is you do want me to give up Kleeneze, you weren't suggesting, you were instructing me to the point of giving me a contact no to find out the process of going on Incapacity. Im not going to, and Im not going to sell my home. Dad said so how much are you earning an hour, wouldn't it be better if you did something else? This was after I told them I had been advised by Kl I was in the top 300 out of say11/12K distributors in the 4 countries Kleeneze currently operate. In a recession, on my own, with a disabilty. Absolutely nothing. No, wow thats wonderful news. Well done. Nothing. Dad by doing Kleeneze, I said I can have breaks when I want, what about dd, who would take her to school. Who would put up with me needing to break into the day slowly. Running my own business I have the flexibility I need to be able to work.I have a solid business. Im not giving it up. I love what I do.
TBH, a lot of what was said by all of us was a blur. They mentioned how the last 25 years had been ghastly with my marriage to dh and then that wd include the last 8 years since his murder - all said/shouted with dd in the house and we have a small house! My finances were mentioned, and once again how they are not made of money. Ive never asked you to pay the 3 bills, you offered. I've never come to you asking you to give me money, ever.. We are your parents. You are so rude. I am just saying to you mum that I disagree with you. You are a very rude girl. No Im not mum Im just going to get on with my life. And what about Christmas mum asked. Well, I have made arrangements I said. So, you are splitting this family up too mum said. The whole thing was a nightmare. They both left, dad said goodbye, mum just walked out saying nothing had been achieved. But what she had wanted to achieve is a complete mystery to me. Dd simply cried through it all . Just a total nightmare.
My friend came up. Mum had told me my friend had been rude to her, my friend assured me she wasn't at all. She was sorry she hadn't thought to take dd out of the house when she had popped up earlier. Mum texted me later to say couldn't we draw a line under it all. I haven't responded. One of the things she shouted at me about was that I was supposed to have sent her 79 texts and among those texts I was accusing her of lying. She said she would show me but she couldn't find it. So, I won't be getting myself involved in any texting. I am simply going to keep working, building my business, providing dd with the best life I can, dealing with my finances the best way I consider to be right and keeping my home. Dd went to mums after school on thurs and mum dropped her back but stayed in the car. driving off as soon as I answered the door to dd. No wave, nothing. She is furious with me..

So, to me, its just reminds me yet again that it will always be a fight to have as normal a life as possible. The last 5 months my parents have not been a part of my life in any real way and clearly thats how they want to keep it as I have no intention of stopping work while I am mobile. If that stops I would concentrate on building my team more and I would have to review my financial situation. But Im not at that stage and might never be or I may have a few years left in me yet by which time Im mortgage free and on my way to building on my assets. I am not giving up all that Ive worked hard for, and I love my customers, the dreams I have to achieve goals which would ensure dd will never have to worry about the future. What they want is not going to happen and I refuse to be bullied to comply them.

Just quickly, no news from Halifax. Two weeks ago I logged my complaint about how my original complaint was being dealt with thus far..The 8 weeks expires next thursday and if nothing happens next week, next wekend will see me file a complaint to the Financial Ombudsman..

..After all that news, a day ahead of relaxing, pottering in the garden etc. The sun is out!

Keeping_Motivated

Hi POF..I'm sorry you and your daughter had to go through that, it sounds like a very draining and upsetting evening.

I completely understand what you are saying but without wanting to sound like I am agreeing with your parents (I am not) I just wanted to balance things out a little if you don't mind my opinion.

You said that your DH was an alcoholic (no judgement from me I understand addiction and its horrendous effects) and for your DH that was a really hard thing to live with and the effects on you must have been stressful, painful and hurtful... so my point here is, it must have been a really hard thing for your parents to witness. Imagine if your DD was in a serious relationship with someone with a serious addiction and you had to witness the effects this had on her, would you be horrified at her pain? Even though you understand addiction (because of your experiences) I'm sure that you would still hate to see your DD suffer because of it. So what I am trying to say is...they are handling it very clumsily and with cruel words but when they say the last 25 years have been horrendous do you think behind their cutting words its been horrendous for them to witness how your life has been affected by DH 's addicction? Such a hard thing for parents to witness? Not yours or DH's fault but never the less hard for you parents to see how your life unfolded because of it?

Then when they 'bully' you to go on incapacity benefit do you think its because (wrongly) they can't stand to see how hard you work, how tired you get, how much you fall etc etc and they (wrongly) believe your life would be calmer, easier, more quality etc etc if you were on benefits. Obviously the correct way to go about this would have been a sit down constructive supportive chat however they seem to have taken the 'critical parent' stance which involves being as critical as they can to get you to see things from their point of view!!?? Wrong again in my opinion but what I am trying to say is that behind their critical parenting methods there is a lot of love and concern for you and DD it sounds...

Then your mum and dad do keep trying (clumsily and critically again I know) to resolve things, ie texting to draw a line under it, coming round to see you etc...I know its all backfired but the fact they keep trying sounds to me like they are suffering by not having you in their lives...in their own perhaps agressive (?) way they do want to resolve this somehow it seems by the fact they keep trying...

For all their wrongs (I can totally understand why its caused you so much heartache and sleepless nights) it must have been so hard in the past to watch you try so hard and for life to go so wrong for you and to now watch you paying back all the debt from those past hard years it must seem never ending watching their daughter 'suffer' (sorry if thats the wrong word)....again all their vile and clumsy words are awful I know that but its almost like they are desperate and want to make you do something different to make life easier for you...WE all know here that you are doing everything in your power and you are amazingly strong, focussed and an amazing mum but they seem to still be scarred by the past and the present watching you work so hard and cannot shift their mindset to see all the positives amongst all the hard work and the struggles you have.

Again I am not siding with your parents at all, I do not agree for one minute the way they have gone about it BUT I do feel they keep 'trying' and I do think behind it all they are hurting with this situation. If I could give your parents one piece of advice it would be to stop treating you with the 'critical parent' and start either being nurturing parents or speaking to you from an adult to adult stance...I think critical parenting only results in bringing out a rebelling child (not calling you a child just meaning you are kicking back and are going to prove them wrong but nothing has been resolved but if they were being nurturing or acting in a adult to adult manner then by now you all would have moved forward and healed some of the past and present hurts and conflicts).

Lastly I am sorry if any of the above offends you its not meant to at all and I understand that just by reading it on here I don't have the full picture so I am sorry if I have got it wrong.

You take care of yourself, I really do hope that you and your parents can come to some sort of resolution for all your sakes because its obvious you were close once. And I hope DD is able to make some sense of what is going on and she too can move forward without worrying about it too much.

Chocforever

I find it extraordinary that your parents keep on at you. And none of it is new, is it? It's the same old accusations and insults and scraping the barrel for evidence to justify the accusations.

I think you have done the right thing over the last few months; letting DD see them but having minimal contact and conversation with them until they finally do as they say and draw a line under it all. You shouldn't need to justify your life choices to them. You are doing really well, you and DD sound like you are happy and enjoying a fulfilling life. It is a shame they cannot enrich your life at the moment and, worse, they bring unneeded stress.

You are a better person than me because I don't think I would have spoken to them at all other than to tell them to leave my house. To me, this sort of behaviour cannot be justified by claiming they are trying to help. My view is that if people have to tell me that they are helping because it is not apparent to me that they are doing so in any shape or form, it isn't helping by any definition of the word.

On a brighter note, I am delighted that the business is going well and the orders are coming in. Hang in there. Let's hope your parents keep to their word and finally draw a line under it all.

Best wishes

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you both for your feedback. KM, I think you are totally right actually and have hit the nail on the head as to how mum and dad see things. But at the end of the day I must be considered worthy to make my own decisions and not live my life according to their directive. The debt, yes that is a shame it exists. TBH its all murky as to exactly how much that is left is down to my dh and then down to me. Since my LBM I realise in the aftermath of his murder I must have been v depressed because I would spend a small fortune almost daily of eating out at Frankie and Bennies or having take aways at home with dd in tow, and then looking back I can't recall whether for periods of time I actually worked a full week or not. Not because I didn't want to work but because of the appointments that had to happen with the physio and the impact falling over had in those days - I can recall having 2 falls in 1 day as an eg. And dd's nursery bill each month was in the region of £400, of which I think I was responsible for £150/£200 after thehelp from tax credits. Mum and dad played no part in having her at all that I can recall.That said on the positive side when I purchased my home I never knew it would increase in value by over 100K over the years. I could quite easily be in negative equity with the value of my home and my debt combined but Im not so for that Im thank ful.

Anyway, my point being is they just do not see how amazing it is I survived that period. I know there are many through meeting others in the NVA -National Victims Assoc - who have had nervous breakdowns and been on anti depressants for years since their loved ones were murdered. Maybe I did have a form of nervous breakdown, I dont know. But to still be standing with a beautiful dd is an achievement in itself for me. And I love my work, and I know if anything changes there re my mobility there are avenues I can pursue re my debt but for now I do not want to go down those routes. I want to continue as I am. I feel happy with my progress as I am. If my parents really wanted to help they wouldn't pull me apart for paying for just one of my car adaptions when I have paid for so many previously at a much higher cost. They would do it gladly and not throw it in my face to demonstrate how Im not coping and should therefore be on benefits.

Im v much into my self development books and being the best I can be and for me all the while I can work that is to be the best I can be in my business and as a mum and as a human being generally. For me its being true to myself, and that it would seem is only acceptable to be if you are able bodied as I have realised for some time now I seem to be defying the norm, and that would include in my parents and sisters eyes too.

To me its not enough that this govt want to get disabled people off Incapacity Benefit. Once off that benefit, the door closes on many areas of support and help and to work with a disability is exactly when you need that support and help, so its a vicious circle. Ive reached the point where I realise that to work I have to realise its a path where its just me and Im v blessed to have the love and support from friends and charities. I am not prepared to comply with the view that if you are disabled you must live on benefits because the system can not be bothered or individuals do not want to help and support you if you don't and I include my family in that. I want to be true to myself and I want to give dd a fab life. As far as Im concerned that shouldn'tbe a criminal offence although some days I think it is considered as such!!!!

Keeping_Motivated

POF obviously looking from the outside in on your life I wish you had the support of your family and could resolve things for yours and DD sake that is why I posted trying to balance things out...however your last post says it so well...you have been tested way beyond what any human being should be and you have come thorugh the other side, you understand why you did and made some of the decisions you made through those horrific times and that in itself is a huge bonus, you understand why and now you are moving forward. Given what you have been through (like you say some in similar situations are unable to even function let alone work and no wonder!!) you are doing amazing and you are an inspiration, someone to look up to definately not someone to condemn.

Your strength is amazing...Ive said it before but your DD is so lucky to have you, your are teaching her far more than many parents could dare to dream and giving her the skills and compassion in life that she will need to give her a good life. Yes maybe the material things are thin on the ground but the quality time, the love, the life lessons, the hard work to give her a good home and good start in life are a plenty...keep going, keep doing what you are doing and keep patting yourself on the back for all you achieve week in week out. I don't remember material things from my childhood (even though I know I had them) but I do remember special times and I know you create them with your daughter and that is what she will remember too.

I do hope your parents change the way they parent and show you love because I think all this fall out is another weight for you to carry that you do not deserve.

Take care
KM

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Wow, Km, thank you for your post. I can assure you Im not that wonderful!!!! But Ill re read your post in days to come should my "mood" drop and tell myself what you have told me!!

So, first Kl. Picked up £600 in orders on Mon, and a further £30 yesterday. Have catalogues out for collection tomorrow. Im on target to reach the higher bonus which I so want to do if I am to pay my mtge and also my accountant with money left over!
My mum and dad have bought dd home both times they have had her after school this week. Mon it was mum and she just deposited dd at the front door and drove off when she could see I had answered the door. Dad delivered her last eve but the thing was I was just driving up the road to my home as he was just about to leave. I had gone to collect dd and could see no cars at their home so assumed correctly dad was bringing dd home. Came back home and he said he thought I was home and promptly drove off. Dd would have been left at the door had I not turned up in time! So, thats the state of affairs for now. There are no plans for dd to see them now until after the half term.
With half term next week I have arranged for my cousin and her little girl to come over on weds and the following weekend my brother and his other half are coming for lunch. So, we are seeing family socially, just not my parents and sister. I have debated asking them over but the moment I think about it my heart races and that tells me no dont do it for now! For a start if anything kicks off, they would be in my home and I would have no means of escape and dd would have to hear it all ..again.
Re Halifax, am going in there today to do some banking. I am pursuing the complaint with the Financial Ombudsmen, will call them today to start it off although technically Halifax have until tomorrow to resolve the issues, thats when the 8 weeks is up. But Im keeping on the case. Im £28 down a month at the moment when the plan was to be saving money and all because the Halifax advised me incorrectly on more than one occasion. Thats it. Onwards and upwards and thankyou Km and others for your advice and words. This forum is a godsend in so many ways. I always think its amazing to think that if I had not found my way on here I would have been none the wiser about the National Victims Charity which has played a huge role in our lives and will continue to do so as the release date of the murderer draws nearer. .. Isn't that just so amazing..In fact Km I think It was you who told me about them. Thank you for that. Dd is in fact saving some of her pocket money to send them a donation this Xmas!

Keeping_Motivated

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED wrote: »

Wow, Km, thank you for your post. I can assure you Im not that wonderful!!!! But Ill re read your post in days to come should my "mood" drop and tell myself what you have told me!!

I know you are not professing to be perfect (who is!) but given what you have been through and given how hard you try you deserve to recognise your strengths and how well you are doing :A

Keeping_Motivated

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED wrote: »

Dd is in fact saving some of her pocket money to send them a donation this Xmas!

See what I mean...you are teaching her so much..that is lovely :A

Keep going both of you x

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, it's been quite an expensive week. £78.20 in childcare, but then I won't need to pay any more out for 2 weeks. £39.95 on new boots for me. I simply had to take the plunge as my last pair I had to throw away last week! £16 on a horse riding lesson. I just couldn't bring myself to cancel at short notice as like all of us the stables are a business trying to keep going. My parents have said they want to still pay for dd to go but on this occasion nothing was forthcoming from them, and mum plans to take dd once a month after school which is far better for me. So, I won't be in that situation again. Then our food bill this week was just short of £20. I paid my friend £40 for the walker she found in a boot fair. Yes, it has seemed particularly more than usual. That said, I have £300 orders to go through today. Im collecting books this pm while dd at the holiday club and am looking to collect £4/500. Im still on target to achieve a higher bonus.
On the mum and dad front, I recd a text from mum on thursday asking us out for lunch yesterday to their local pub in the village. With all the outgoings recently, I just didn't want to pay out for lunch and it was unclear as to whether she was paying as my brother and his other half were going too. So, I said thank you, and declined. Dd and I are seeing my brother next weekend so that will be nice. I want to keep my distance from my parents right now, not play "happy families" in public and stretch my finances in the process. I do want to draw a line under whats gone on with my parents but Im still struggling with coming to terms with how a potential family gathering would be. The carefreeness of being able to be me and dd has gone. Theres nothing I could share and theres nothing I would want to hear from them given it seems permittable for my parents and sis to lead the life of their choice but not me if you see what I mean. So, for now Im keeping a low profile while I get my head round it all.

Other news: Ive written my letter to the Financial Ombudsman. If I say so myself Ive written a great letter! Clear, concise, direct, to the point - unlike my posts on here!!! Am photocopying it all today and off in the post it will go later. Have also written to Customer Care at Halifax advising them what Im doing - if they are at all interested!!

Ebay, have made headway in organising what I want to put on ebay. I have things stored all over the place and Ive been getting things into one pile, need to check what photos Ive got loaded already and then go for it. Yesterday was spent doing the complaint letters, baking cakes, and doing that, and relaxing!

So, onward and upward... A lot to fit in this week with half term and a lot of bills pending but I am confident all will be well by the end of it...