Asked to babysit every Saturday

chipsdog

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I empathise with the 'have done my bit with my own child/ren' bit and not wanting to be tied down every Saturday night, I also think this is exactly what families are for. We have lost all sense of family over the past two generations IMO.

So I'd offer to do it, without waiting to be asked. Do everything you can to be supportive; the job might not work out, things change, nothing is forever. Certainly don't say no in case she asks for more help, that would be very silly.

You must be joking?

I work very long hours in a job I love, yes I know I am very lucky, I pay someone to do my cleaning and ironing (lucky again), I have always worked full-time from the time my son was born (my choice) but I really think I have done my bit.

I do not want payment for childminding or fuel costs, but, what I am short of is "time" so i do not want to be tied to an arrangement that means I will have to childmind every Saturday and fit my weekend around someone else.

This may be selfish, but, I think the SD thinks working in a nightclub will be like a nightout, come home when and with whoever she wants as her daughter will not be there. I told her she would be mad to take this job and she said "I'm not going to take it" only for a week later to ring her dad and say she has started.

I am therefore going to arrange to be doing something for the next 4 weeks so that when she asks I can honestly say "I'm busy"

Bettyboop

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I empathise with the 'have done my bit with my own child/ren' bit and not wanting to be tied down every Saturday night, I also think this is exactly what families are for. We have lost all sense of family over the past two generations IMO.

So I'd offer to do it, without waiting to be asked. Do everything you can to be supportive; the job might not work out, things change, nothing is forever. Certainly don't say no in case she asks for more help, that would be very silly.

Families are not random baby sitters who are just around to take care of your off spring so you can go out? I must be from a different school but while I agree it's nice for kids to spend time with other family members it is not an OBLIGATION and the Op's daughter expects that. What on earth are baby sitters for then? If she is earning a wage she can pay one!!!!!! No one has lost sense of "family" however some peoples expecatations has just grown. After all one's children should come first before going out! If you can't afford a sitter then stay home it's as simple as that! If you have money to go out but not any to pay a sitter then it shows where ones priorities are in my opinion!

emlou2009

what reason do you have to think that she thinks it will be like a night out and will come home with whoever she wants? has she actually said this to you? remembering that part of her job will most likely be to do a spot of cleaning once the club is closed and before she leaves.

it seems to me from your posts like the issue to you is less that you will be having a child sleep in your house once a week and more that its her causing you the inconvenience? has she done something to you in the past that you havent quite forgiven her for yet? you mentioned a drug problem in the past, i wonder if she had never had this and was working a normal 9-5 job, and had to work saturdays and asked your OH to look after her LO in the day would it be such an issue?

theres no wonder your OP said your thoughts on the situation would be causing arguments in your house between you and your OH. reading back over your posts in this thread you havent said one nice word about the girl...

how about looking at the positives, that she is a mum earning money to provide for her child i wouldnt wish the job of a single mum on anyone, as a new mum i dont know how i would ever cope on my own and i really hope that it doesnt ever come to that.

Jakesmummy

Has the step-daughter actually asked you to babysit yet? I personally wouldnt ask someone to babysit my kids who lived 40miles away, maybe she's made other arrangements?

Claire3121

emlou2009 wrote: »

what reason do you have to think that she thinks it will be like a night out and will come home with whoever she wants? has she actually said this to you? remembering that part of her job will most likely be to do a spot of cleaning once the club is closed and before she leaves.

it seems to me from your posts like the issue to you is less that you will be having a child sleep in your house once a week and more that its her causing you the inconvenience? has she done something to you in the past that you havent quite forgiven her for yet? you mentioned a drug problem in the past, i wonder if she had never had this and was working a normal 9-5 job, and had to work saturdays and asked your OH to look after her LO in the day would it be such an issue?

theres no wonder your OP said your thoughts on the situation would be causing arguments in your house between you and your OH. reading back over your posts in this thread you havent said one nice word about the girl...

how about looking at the positives, that she is a mum earning money to provide for her child i wouldnt wish the job of a single mum on anyone, as a new mum i dont know how i would ever cope on my own and i really hope that it doesnt ever come to that.

Call me old fashioned but I think taking into account the child's age,surely the most important thing is the mum being there. I dont think its suitable for the girl to be shunted from friend,to grandpaprents,to grandparents.
Why doesnt the mum stick with the job at the school or get another job with similar hours?

paddy's_mum

I've thought from the beginning that this girl is taking ruthless advantage. It's blatant manipulation and no accident that she took the job first in defiance of the common sense advice given to her and then rang Daddy to cover the shortfall in her childminding arrangements. Daddy is a big softie while chipsdog is made of sterner stuff, we are told, and clearly this girl is cute enough to employ cunning. How generous and kind of her to put OP in a position where she is either forced to agree rather than provoke trouble or else has to put up one hell of a fight, possibly damaging the marriage and certainly creating a situation where a lot of hurt and anger will come to the fore, affecting their day-to-day harmony. Yes - I can quite see why chipsdog is not especially enamoured of her stepdaughter!

I'd also bet money that this same girl has, in the past, behaved appallingly towards her stepmother and yet now wants all that forgiven, forgotten and glossed over simply because she now wants something. Those that have advocated "family values" and "help with grandchildren" should perhaps reflect upon the reality in life that you earn respect, affection and unstinting support. If you add to that the fact that this is not chipsdog's grandchild by blood, and that at no time is it likely that Daddy said "yes darling - you go play with drugs and sex and I'll pick up the pieces and the bills afterwards" I think the situation is ripe to explode.

The hubby is going to unleash a justified thunderstorm around his head if he goes ahead with this in defiance of the OP's perfectly reasonable concerns and reluctance. If his daughter is over 18, all his obligations to her are fulfilled and discharged and now his loyalty and care should and must be for his wife, their lives and the health of their marriage.

In chipsdog's shoes, I would be insisting that Grandpa goes to the daughter's home to mind the child overnight. If the daughter has truly only taken the job to earn the extra money, then the fact that she won't be able to bring home a friend and continue to party will be immaterial, won't it? Grandpa can then get up at a normal time, leave the child with Mummy, who might have been lucky enough to get three or four hours sleep since finishing work, and go home to the normal life that his wife is entitled to expect. I suspect that given that option, the job will lose it's allure very quickly and she will give it up thus ending the problem.

Quite how the OP will be able to insist on this without a row is anyone's guess. I suspect that it will cause a great deal of argument, shouting and hurt feelings. However, that also can be laid at the door of this selfish, careless and unloving daughter who, moreover, clearly has a short memory of her own unkindnesses.

She had little right, in my view, to ask for such a huge gift although no doubt she would call it a "small favour". It isn't - it could so easily end up as an ongoing loss of the entire weekend, every weekend for ears to come ("Gotta start early tonight, Dad - could you be here by 5 o'clock"? or "I didn't finish till nearly 4 am - could you just hang on to her till after lunch and bring her back then, when I've had some sleep"?)

Chipsdog - for what it's worth, and having experienced the unjustified animosity and spite of a stepchild in the past, I'm with you all the way. This is not your burden and you should have no hesitation whatever in refusing to shoulder it. Good luck and I hope things become calmer and kinder very quickly.

chipsdog

I can't begin to tell you all that she done, but, drugs, stealing, prison to name a few.

She hasn't asked yet, but, it will probably be on the Saturday morning ringing her Dad to say her Mum has let her down and said NO, probably because she has had the child all Friday night and doesn't think she should be working in a club.

emlou2009

Claire3121 wrote: »

Call me old fashioned but I think taking into account the child's age,surely the most important thing is the mum being there. I dont think its suitable for the girl to be shunted from friend,to grandpaprents,to grandparents.

the child will be asleep during her working hours

Claire3121

emlou2009 wrote: »

the child will be asleep during her working hours

But she will still be waking up in a bed that isn't her own,and her mum nowhere to be seen...

Bettyboop

Claire3121 wrote: »

But she will still be waking up in a bed that isn't her own,and her mum nowhere to be seen...

She will also be with Chipdog all of Sunday though so the mother can sleep