Asked to babysit every Saturday

galvanizersbaby

chipsdog wrote: »

My stepdaughter has taken a job working in a nightlcub Thurs/Fri/Sat night, however, she has a daughter (6 years) no partner. She already has a job which fits in with school times and I told her she would be better doing that and not the nightclub. Anyway she doesn't listen to me, but I know that she is going to ask DH to babysit every Saturday, and I do not want to do it.

I work long hours all week, always worked full time even when I had my son, so I have done my bit.

This will cause a row in our house I'm sure, anyone else dealt with anything similar?

I can see how you feel on this one chipsdog.
I think to commit to having your grand daughter every Saturday night is a bit much to be honest.
It's not really quality time spent with your grand daughter as she will be sleeping through most of it and awake no doubt early Sunday morning so this will prohibit yourself and DH from any Saturday nights out and also lie-in's I would imagine - this may or may not be important to you but having worked all week it may be something you look forward to.

The poster's that are saying that it is your OH who will be asked to babysit - he should make the decision and do the babysitting may not be looking at this realistically - this is correct in an ideal world but it is obviously impacting you and you don't say how good grandad is at getting up early and doing the actual babysitting stuff - I am guessing you may be required in this also?

I would speak to OH about it - make your feelings known and then if he chooses to go ahead and commit it is down to him - only you know how likely this is to be the case!

emlou2009

no doubt you would be posting something equally attacking if she was asking for money. at least she wants to work for her money rather than expecting handouts from you/OH! it may be that she doesnt qualify for tax credits towards childcare for one reason or another and it would therefore be pointless to work so she has chosen hours that she knows someone will be available to help her out with. it probably is also that as it is unsociable hours she gets more money to work them and can therefore spend more time with her child.
as someone else said, the child is 6 years old and will sleep from early evening right through. you will barely know she is there. unless you spend saturday nights going out yourselves, i cant see that it will really make much of a difference to you really. its not like shes asking you to babysit every saturday while she goes out on the razz.

bestpud

I'm with you OP.

If we are going to have children then we have to take responsibility for them, 24 hours a day while they are little, and that means us arranging our life around the support/childcare/whatever other help is available to us.

We have no right to expect anyone to babysit our children at any time, and none of us should assume our parents would be happy to step in - it is just rude, end of!

If they are happy to do it then all is well and good, but she should have asked about it before even applying for the job. To apply, take the job, and then expect people to step in is bang out of order.

And to the people who say grandparents are supposed to enjoy having their grandchildren:

It is one thing to enjoy spending time with grandchildren and wanting to do things for them and with them, and another entirely to take on regular (and overnight in this case) caring responsibilities!! It is absolutely wrong to imply the OP would welcome this with open arms if she cared enough!!

She is not saying she never wants to have her over, or see her, she is simply saying she does not want to feel obliged to do this every weekend!

In fact, I'd go as far as to say those who see their parents as cheap, and 'on demand', babysitters/child minders are the ones who do not care enough!

Also, the mother has had problems with drugs in the past, so perhaps working in a nightclub isn't the best choice for her anyway??

bestpud

emlou2009 wrote: »

no doubt you would be posting something equally attacking if she was asking for money. at least she wants to work for her money rather than expecting handouts from you/OH! it may be that she doesnt qualify for tax credits towards childcare for one reason or another and it would therefore be pointless to work so she has chosen hours that she knows someone will be available to help her out with. it probably is also that as it is unsociable hours she gets more money to work them and can therefore spend more time with her child.
as someone else said, the child is 6 years old and will sleep from early evening right through. you will barely know she is there. unless you spend saturday nights going out yourselves, i cant see that it will really make much of a difference to you really. its not like shes asking you to babysit every saturday while she goes out on the razz.

If she is on a low enough income, she will qualify like every other lone parent out there. How do you think the rest of us manage?

She may want to work for her money (most of us do, don't we?) but when you have a child, working for your money involves sorting adequate childcare, not expecting family to just step in.

She has made her lifestyle choices and now needs to take full responsibility for herself and her child.

And I wouldn't be so sure she won't be going out on the razz as well as working - I think that may be the main appeal of the job tbh. .

Triggles

I truly hate the mindset that because someone has grandchildren that they are obligated to be free childcarers for them. And a lot of people seem to think that. We (DH & I) are in the position that we have 2 older children (24 & 22) that both have children, and we also have a 2yo and are expecting another next month. We don't expect to be used as regular childcare any more than we would use our OWN parents as regular childcare. An occasional thing is different - provided we are ASKED, not assumed that we will do it, and provided we are free and available at the time to do so. That is reasonable. And of course, we will make every effort to help out in an emergency.

But just because the child is our grandchild, does NOT mean we have an obligation to babysit. We have a life as well. It is the child's parents who have the responsibility to sort out childcare on a regular basis. We prefer to be the grandparents, not the sitters. It makes things too complicated, as often there are differences of opinions in how things should be done. Personally, I'd PREFER to be able to lay down requirements to a childcare centre than try to do so with a grandparent. I see so many posts (especially on another forum I go to) that the parent is whinging on and on that the grandparents are sitters for the child for free all week, but they want the grandparents to stay home with the child, not take them out, or want to place a whole bunch of restrictions or rules on them. Well, the way I see it, if you want that, then PAY for an actual child care/nursery place. Ungrateful, IMO. Too many people want it both ways.

And as far as the OP's DD (or DSD, can't remember), then if she wants to be responsible, she can look for jobs that are during regular childcare/nursery hours if it's an issue. God knows that's what tons of other single mums do. And I agree that if she has a history of drugs, a nightclub is a poor choice of working environment.

Caroline73_2

chipsdog wrote: »

My stepdaughter has taken a job working in a nightlcub Thurs/Fri/Sat night, however, she has a daughter (6 years) no partner. She already has a job which fits in with school times and I told her she would be better doing that and not the nightclub. Anyway she doesn't listen to me, but I know that she is going to ask DH to babysit every Saturday, and I do not want to do it.

I work long hours all week, always worked full time even when I had my son, so I have done my bit.

This will cause a row in our house I'm sure, anyone else dealt with anything similar?

So she hasn't actually asked yet then?

This is an issue between you and your husband , not your stepdaughter.

She should be commended for supporting her daughter, jobs aren't that easy to find but she has found two of them, one of which is at risk.

Perhaps you could all sit down together and discuss it?

galvanizersbaby

Caroline73 wrote: »

So she hasn't actually asked yet then?

This is an issue between you and your husband , not your stepdaughter.

She should be commended for supporting her daughter, jobs aren't that easy to find but she has found two of them, one of which is at risk.

Perhaps you could all sit down together and discuss it?[/QUOTE]

OP and her husband as the 'issue' is between them?
or Stepdaughter OP and husband?

As a single working mother, I do not expect to be commended for supporting my children and I'm sure that expectation would be the same for any other responsible parent?

Caroline73_2

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Caroline73 wrote: »

So she hasn't actually asked yet then?

This is an issue between you and your husband , not your stepdaughter.

She should be commended for supporting her daughter, jobs aren't that easy to find but she has found two of them, one of which is at risk.

Perhaps you could all sit down together and discuss it?[/QUOTE]

OP and her husband as the 'issue' is between them?
or Stepdaughter OP and husband?

As a single working mother, I do not expect to be commended for supporting my children and I'm sure that expectation would be the same for any other responsible parent?

I meant that the OP has an issue with her husband if he chooses to do it without taking the OP's feelings into account. That is where the problem seems to be in my eyes.

Commended was perhaps the wrong word, but as a single mother I always worked, owned my own home and paid for my own childcare, yet I was tarred with the sponging single mother brush that so often happens. People assume that you were on benefits or receiving 90% of your child care paid for, if you did go to work.

There are some parents (both single and in couples) that choose to have the state support their children. The OP's stepdaughter has gone from a life of drug taking to supporting her child, and it was that that I was 'commending'. She has moved on from her past but the OP doesn't seemed to have moved on.

Triggles

I meant that the OP has an issue with her husband if he chooses to do it without taking the OP's feelings into account. That is where the problem seems to be in my eyes.

Commended was perhaps the wrong word, but as a single mother I always worked, owned my own home and paid for my own childcare, yet I was tarred with the sponging single mother brush that so often happens. People assume that you were on benefits or receiving 90% of your child care paid for, if you did go to work.

There are some parents (both single and in couples) that choose to have the state support their children. The OP's stepdaughter has gone from a life of drug taking to supporting her child, and it was that that I was 'commending'. She has moved on from her past but the OP doesn't seemed to have moved on.

Not necessarily. She's not taking both the OP and the Dad into account. OP stated she talked to DSD, who wouldn't listen to her. If she KNOWS that asking them to watch the child is going to cause problems, and still plans on asking the Dad, she is not being responsible.

And let's be reasonable - for the most part, if she's contemplating working in a nightclub, first of all - with a history of drugs, that's not the smartest choice. Plus, I don't know of many jobs in a nightclub that require evening work that are highly skilled, which means she's probably not making a very high wage anyway, so she probably IS receiving some assistance, such as working tax credits and such.

If she really wants to be a responsible parent, she needs to accept that it may not be the job for her and look elsewhere for a job that has hours that will allow her to find childcare.

galvanizersbaby

Caroline73 wrote: »

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I meant that the OP has an issue with her husband if he chooses to do it without taking the OP's feelings into account. That is where the problem seems to be in my eyes.

Commended was perhaps the wrong word, but as a single mother I always worked, owned my own home and paid for my own childcare, yet I was tarred with the sponging single mother brush that so often happens. People assume that you were on benefits or receiving 90% of your child care paid for, if you did go to work.

There are some parents (both single and in couples) that choose to have the state support their children. The OP's stepdaughter has gone from a life of drug taking to supporting her child, and it was that that I was 'commending'. She has moved on from her past but the OP doesn't seemed to have moved on.

I too find people make the same assumptions re single mothers - most seem surprised that I own my own home and don't claim financial help of any sort - I am not a single parent out of choice but I do find it a little irritating and amusing at times

I am not as convinced from the OP's post that her SD has moved on - a job in a nightclub certainly sounds as though she may have unfortunately placed temptation in her path.
I guess it is a good thing that SD is taking steps to be responsible and support her child financially but I don't agree that it is OP and her husbands responsibility to provide regular childcare/support for SD as this may not be doing her any favours in the long term.