A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

The Kinship/fostercarer Social Worker was the one coming today.
She was here for two hours, talking and starting to fill in some forms.
I have to have a CRB check. I also have to disclose
EVERY ADDRESS I HAVE EVER LIVED AT AND THE EXACT DATES, I was in them.
EVERY SCHOOL
EVERY JOB
Now that may be normally quite easily, but this is the 39th home I have lived in. and I cnnot remember the early days, and certainly not all the exact dates.
I am not sure of the many schools I was in either, as I was in quite a few. I can think of 5 schools I think, before the age of 9!
Then I went to boarding school, or there would be at least another 5 before the age of 13!
then another 2 after the boarding school.
Every job is also going to be a tough one, as with all the moving there were a lot of jobs and with the family there is even more jobs.
Ah well I took 2 hours or so to make the basic list. later I will have to phone my parents in France and see if they can enlighten me on the dates etc. ???

I have got to have a Fostering Medical, next week.
I am awaiting a call back from my surgery for that appointment.
I have to have a CRB check. So does my BF.
Then next week she is coming back to do the next part of the assessment, and check out the cottage.
She has said that the worker that is coming on Monday will work in conjunction with her, to decide what the plan is going to be for DGD and that they will also work out if there is anything I dont have that they can get me.
If I can find the receipts for the things that I needed for DGD, like the bed, car seat, the buggie etc then I can claim that back, which is a good one.
I have to put money into a savings account for DGD. In her name/jointly with mine. Which is fine.

Then the Adult Care Team rang me back. Yesterday they had rung me, spoke to me for a while. This morning they rang me and talked to me for about half an hour. Then they rang me back at 3pm to tell me that they will put in a recommendation to move me to the housing department. That the Kinship team should take up my application too. That they will refer me to a Occupational Therapist. They will try to support me, in supporting my granddaughter.
They also said that she had looked into the twins and that they had come up with the fact that they didnt have any learning difficulties anymore??? I said that that is rubbish, and that they have been told that they have to have the assessments done again. So she is going to look into that one. I mentioned the assessment in Feb and she didnt have that one on record! So she has some digging to do.

She is hoping that the OT may be able to help me with aids if the landlord will allow it. Like another bannister, and aids to get out of the bath, and aids to wash my hair etc. Something to help me lift DGD into the bath even. I am not sure what she is thinking of there, but we will let them come along and see what can be done.
She is also going to tell the Locality Team in the area that I am on the radar!. ish.

All in all its been a long day, and an intense one. I have a splitting headache, and a really bad neck today.
The arm isnt too hot either, but then that goes with the territory.

I have another meeting with the new Social Worker for DGD on Monday, and another meeting with todays Social Worker on Tuesday. Somewhere in the middle of that I will have the Medical as well.

Errata

HTH - didn't want to read and run. National Insurance used to be able to send someone a list of all the employers they'd worked for and the dates, for a fee. Don't know if they still do it, and it's probably DWP now, but might be worth an ask.

jackieglasgow

Hi Mooloo, I am glad that you have come to some sensible decisions about the twins and DS, and hope my post didn't upset you, I didn't think you'd take my advice anyway! Your new SW sounds on the ball, I hope they follow things through properly.

Savvy_sewing

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Hi Mooloo, I am glad that you have come to some sensible decisions about the twins and DS, and hope my post didn't upset you, I didn't think you'd take my advice anyway! Your new SW sounds on the ball, I hope they follow things through properly.

I have just re read your advice, and I suppose the thing that i didnt want to happen was to let DGD go to Fostercarers as I didnt want to be reduced to visiting her for one hour a fortnight, as I have the boys. I have obviously a huge attachment to DGD after these last 8 months. (If I didnt have before, being there at her birth etc).
I may not be in the highest of Health, but if I am to let go of the Mums and DS, then I think that the running around etc will be reduced, and that I will be able to cope with DGD on my own, with the support of Biggest of Mooloo as backup.
I have to have a medical next week. So the doctors will ultimately have the final say, or the assessments from the teams that are finally getting involved. They will not put my sentimentality first, they will put DGD's needs before mine.
So dispite my wanting to carry on with DGD now, it is not necessarily up to me.
The back up, I hope, would still be with Biggest, but thats a big ask, and we do not want to push her, as she still has a very young relationship, and she is young herself. She is still only 23, and has her whole life to live.

This morning I am off in a minute, to see the boys. I will take twin2, the mum, as we are going to the same place and have to see them at the same time. But thats all I will be doing for her.
(although I am still getting the phone calls, its a deal with from a distance answer. Mostly NO your on your own.).
The good news is that she did, finally get the implant yesterday, so we should be safe, soon for the next 3 years!.

Got to go.
xx

floss2

Mooloo, it sounds like this SW is really on the ball, but I guess all the request for information would have been better made months ago when DGD came to stay with you!

duchy

Finally
I guess it had to get to this point first.....and now you're here the only way is upwards.

Social workers want to keep families together which is a good point in your favour and if the worst happened and they said your health wasn't good enough-you've had the medical which is measurable and you simply ask for time to show that without the stress and running around for the other (big) kids your health WILL improve and a 2nd medical will clearly show that.

Honestly ALL of this is positive . You've done your best with the twins and your son and now it's time to say-Get on with it-and yes stop enabling them-maybe without the fallback of Mum they will sort themselves out a bit once they realize the safety net is really gone ! Tough love indeed but it does need to happen-not just just for your and DGDs sake but for their's too.

Time to put you and DGD first -and hang tough for a bit-but it WILL all work out.

Savvy_sewing

I am back from seeing the boys. They were fine, and played well with each other and DGD. The worker supervising mentioned this, and i did point out that before this they did see each other most of their lives so its not surprising. The baby is coming on in leaps and bounds and is nearly sitting up now.Or should I say can stay in the sitting position for a few seconds. With hands hovvering!.

DGD and DGS1 cried when we had to leave. The father of DGS1 has fought for more access, so we had to go earlier. But thas Ok for today, however I am not sure how it will work for Twin2 next week if the time is earlier then, as she will not be able to get the bus much earlier. I think that she is already getting the first bus> I will have to remind her to double check that.
Her BF's phone is now not on. His contract has had to stop, as they have no money.
thier money was not in when he went to the hole in the wall, and so they have had to ring up and protest why. They were told they hadnt signed on. They did. So after £3.00 worth of my phone credit gone, we ended up using my parents house phone, to ring back. They have been told that they will call them back in the next 3 hours, and hope for an immediate payment. I think that its not fair that the social can make mistakes and not get penalised but it the person signing on makes a mistake they withold money!. There should be a premium paid if Social get it wrong. Sorry its not social now is it, it the job centre. I am behind the times and showing my age!.

I was not prepared to do anything else for them, including twin2 was expecting me to take her to northampton, and he was going to get a bus and meet her there. Good job I said no, I was taking her back home, as she would have been stranded in Northampton with no money and no mobile phone, as he had got hers. I even let them walk home through the town, as DGD needed to come home for her lunch.

The old me would have lent the the busfares etc or taken them to the jobcentre to argue etc etc. The new me, said thats enoough, help. They were planning to go back to Wales for his little sisters birthday. I said "well you cannot go, then can you." and also pointed out that the money they get is to live on, not to race across the country on trains!.


DGD managed to go to the loo, etc no potty and no nappies! She is coming on in leaps and bounds. I am really pleased with the way she is coming on. However I did notice that both mornings that Mum was here, she was still in a nappy and not in her knickers when I got up. And she also had her dummy longer too.
I have warned Mummy that I was not sure what would happen next week, as she may not be able to stay, I also pointed out that DGD was playing up as she didnt know which of us to listen too etc.
There has to be changes. Although twin1 was polite etc, and she did cook the dinner for us last night, (pasta with a sauce out of a can on top), she had said that she would wash up too, as I had a terrible headache and went to my bedroom at 7.30! however when I came down this morning it hadnt been done. Infact DGD had woken early, and mum was sitting on my chair, asleep, with DGD on her lap, just in her nappy, watching Video on the tv.
So I was not thrilled.

We have just eaten lunch, while watching Cbbies, and me on here. Now I am going to check my bank balances and see if I have the right amounts in the right places as the electric and gas payments for the old house are due to go out today. But my ESA is due to go in.

I do feel calmer today. I feel good that I said No to twin2.
I dropped twin1 off when I collected twin2, and told her that she must get her place sorted out as it was a disgrace. She had asked me last evening what I was doing on Monday, I said I had a SW coming at 10.30 and she said she had to sign on and didnt have any money. So I pointed out that her Bromford Housing worker was supposed to be getting her some money, (remember that I had to give the electric and they said it was a borrow,till the money came through!). so she should be getting some today/tomorrow. So she must keep the bus fare money from that!.

SingleSue

Mooloo wrote: »

Oh Sue, its a tough one isnt it!
You are brave too.
Life is not easy for so many of us on MSE, but with the help of the people on here, and with making friends with Molly, my life is better then it would have been I am sure.

You must see if you can get any additional help with the boys.
Carers to come in and help with their care.
With people to help transport going to the appointments and maybe someone to give you some respite.
Do you have a Social Worker? The children should/could have a social worker to help with thier needs.
Write to the top people like I did, but dont expect replies early!

If you want to off load on here, please do. Some of the posters on here are brilliant help. they gave me the strength and the hope to find the answers, and I think that we are finally getting the answers now. (Least I hope so.)

I have realised that I have to start to look after myself. I too was once studing for a degree, but I gave it up, as it was just far too much.
This was about 7 years ago now.

I still crave a career, but have decided that I will only have my craft work to sell really. I have to face the facts.

Good luck with your family. I do hope that you can find the help that you need. Its your human rights to get the help you know!

Thanks Mooloo, think I was having a bit of a downer day yesterday...feel much more 'up' today!

I don't have any support, I tried social services for years with no real result (apparently autism is not a disability according to my areas social services). They did try to find respite help but no begger wanted to take on middle son due to his violence.

We did, however, have some input when hubby decided to get abusive at a family centre (where middle son was seeing his private tutor after being excluded from school), where they referred us to the domestic violence people and then proceeded to make our lives an absolute misery for the next year (hubby had already moved out of the home prior to his 'show' at the centre and had entirely left the area to 400 miles away within 2 months) accusing me almost of having munchausen by proxy (yes they mentioned the word) because, in their eyes, the problems just couldn't be that bad.

One family support worker wound my middle son up so much he got highly stressed, at the time, I had an arrangement with my next door neighbour that if he felt he was going to blow, for him to go to hers to chill and destress (our safety valve to protect both myself and the other boys). The family support worker barred his way, he then proceeded to kick poo out of me, even when I was down on the floor and she did nothing to stop it..she still wouldn't let him go, the neighbour was the other side of the door trying to get in, could hear me screaming and still she wouldn't budge.

Result was a very battered me, an incredibly stressed middle son, a traumatised youngest and a very angry eldest son.

After a year of this, the boys specialist wrote them a very stern and peed off letter (he had written several during the year but they were still disputing the diagnosis) threatening them with legal action because he believed that they were pretty much accusing him of lying too.

Upshot of it was they dropped me like a hot potato, told me what a wonderful parent I was and would I like to run their autism support group for parents (I declined, I hadn't the time to go to the loo let alone run a group twice a week!)

The children remember those days and one mention of social services and they are stressed for weeks...it is one reason they will not allow anyone into our house.

So although it would be nice to have some respite.....I think I prefer not to go back to those days.

Savvy_sewing

SingleSue wrote: »

Thanks Mooloo, think I was having a bit of a downer day yesterday...feel much more 'up' today!

I don't have any support, I tried social services for years with no real result (apparently autism is not a disability according to my areas social services). They did try to find respite help but no begger wanted to take on middle son due to his violence.

We did, however, have some input when hubby decided to get abusive at a family centre (where middle son was seeing his private tutor after being excluded from school), where they referred us to the domestic violence people and then proceeded to make our lives an absolute misery for the next year (hubby had already moved out of the home prior to his 'show' at the centre and had entirely left the area to 400 miles away within 2 months) accusing me almost of having munchausen by proxy (yes they mentioned the word) because, in their eyes, the problems just couldn't be that bad.

One family support worker wound my middle son up so much he got highly stressed, at the time, I had an arrangement with my next door neighbour that if he felt he was going to blow, for him to go to hers to chill and destress (our safety valve to protect both myself and the other boys). The family support worker barred his way, he then proceeded to kick poo out of me, even when I was down on the floor and she did nothing to stop it..she still wouldn't let him go, the neighbour was the other side of the door trying to get in, could hear me screaming and still she wouldn't budge.

Result was a very battered me, an incredibly stressed middle son, a traumatised youngest and a very angry eldest son.

After a year of this, the boys specialist wrote them a very stern and peed off letter (he had written several during the year but they were still disputing the diagnosis) threatening them with legal action because he believed that they were pretty much accusing him of lying too.

Upshot of it was they dropped me like a hot potato, told me what a wonderful parent I was and would I like to run their autism support group for parents (I declined, I hadn't the time to go to the loo let alone run a group twice a week!)

The children remember those days and one mention of social services and they are stressed for weeks...it is one reason they will not allow anyone into our house.

So although it would be nice to have some respite.....I think I prefer not to go back to those days.

I can totally understand that one!.
Then we will all collectively have to think of ways to help you. Even if its just letting off steam here.!
But there must be something somewhere that will help not hinder!.
I think its a scratch the head time for those on here who follow, and see if someone will come up with something constructive other then our votes of sympathy. Thats fine, it helps loads, but its not enough is it.?
If the father is so far away and not having respite is the major problem. The boys definitely need consistancy and routine. You need to trust who ever it is that can help you, before the boys will trust anyone.
If DS is having private tutoring at a family centre, then the people there must surely know of other types of support, but maybe the actual ones in your area are as dysfunctional as the ones we have come up against so far.

Feel free to pm me, if you also want a private off load!. If my green light is on, i am about here, or near my computer somewhere and it sends me an email to tell me I have a private message even if I am not on MSE at the time.

I think you need a lovely break in somewhere that caters for the children and lets you get some sleep/rest and time to go to the loo on your own!.
I am sorry that i am not of any practical help today. But we will all be here for you. do take it as easy as you can, and its not surprising you had a bad day yesterday. We all do,
Love Mooloo x

Errata

The old me would have lent the the busfares etc or taken them to the jobcentre to argue etc etc. The new me, said thats enoough, help. They were planning to go back to Wales for his little sisters birthday. I said "well you cannot go, then can you." and also pointed out that the money they get is to live on, not to race across the country on trains!.

Good for you :T and if the BF can't understand what their money is for then twin2 has a bigger problem than just her own problems in understanding what's what.

Good to hear you and DGD enjoyed your visit with the boys, not so good to hear that her mum can't be relied on to care for her properly even when she's with you. It looks like that confirms your opinion that she will never be able to look after DGD on her own.

For SingleSue, I think the best advice she could get would be for her to post on the Autism thread where the 'experts' are. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/34037449#Comment_34037449