A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

Morning all.
Thanks for the kind words, big hugs, and sensible replies.
I continued to let off steam with Molly. We came to some conclusions in our talking.
I am not going to let DGD go off into care. I couldnt let her go. I can only see the boys for one hour, with the mother, in a fortnight. I could not do that after having cared for DGD for so long.
I have decided to back off from the twins. I have told them that I am not able to help them as I did. That I had to care for DGD to the best of my ability.
The court case for the boys was yesterday morning. They are now going to try to establish if mum is able to instruct her solicitor. If it turns out that she is not able to do that. Then somewhere the system will have to pick up the pieces and help.
I have told the twins that I could not, and would not fight for them to have thier children back, as I do not think it is right for the children anymore. That they have not picked up thier game and they never will.
I will go to see the doctors. I will ask for the help I need. Again. I will continue to ask.
There were a few other things talked about, that made sense to me. To go and talk to my BF about.

Just after Molly left, I had a phone call from the Adult Social Services team. They gave me the emergency out of hours number. They are going to phone me again this afternoon. After the social worker has been for the assessment for the fostering of DGD.

If I am not running around after the mothers, then i think that I will be able to care for DGD. I have managed so far. I think that it would have been easier if I had not had to deal with all the problems the twins throw at my door.

I also went through the thoughts of how "unfair" it was to have DGD, and the possibilities of the problems with my BF over the time.
But I know in my heart that I love DGD like myown, and that there would be nothing positive in my world if she was not here. She is a delight, and I am going to enjoy her from now on.

Remove the stress of the twins Taxi service, help line, and bank, then I am sure that I will be able to get my health back into an even keel.
DGD and I can sort out a routine with ourselves and not so much with the Mum and Auntie.
DS is not interested in talking to me, or to come home. He is in the camp with a bad family and will not see it. (until its too late no doubt!)
Biggest of Mooloo told me to let him make his mistakes.

My ex husband, all the kids Dad, was on the phone, (arranging the furniture I had sourced for twin2), and we discussed the problems I was having. (Remember he has been gone for 16 years, only on the sidelines when it suited him.) He surprised me by saying that he doesnt blame me for DS's defect, or for my decision to stop helping the twins etc. He said that quote"Nobody could have done any more for them then you have. I do not blame you for deciding to back off, as you have done all you can. You need a life too."
You could have knocked me down with a feather for that one.

I text my BF and said that I had decided that as it was not likely that DGD would be able to go back to her mum, that Mooloo and DGD were a package now. He replied that I had made the right decision.

I am not saying that thats all my problems solved. I am not stupid enough to think that. But at least when the SW comes this lunchtime, I will know what it is I am telling her. That they are to support me in having DGD, and that I want all of the facilities that are available to do that. That I want her to chase the council about getting a more suitable place for DGD and i to live. etc.
That I want the funding that is available for DGD to have childcare so I get respite. Not just what I am arranging on my own.
I will build up the bankbalance so that I am not panicing when the post arrives.
I will probably still do some things for the family. But I will be saying NO more and more and more. Till the message gets through to them.
I will ask the doctor for an Occupational Therapist to call, again.
I will try and find time to go to the councilling service in Northampton, (but it costs its not a free one).
I will talk to the Vicars wife, or him more often. Even though its not my religion, and the like but none the less.

thorsoak

Well done, Mooloo - it sounds as if you have made some good decisions! Good luck with the Social Worker this afternoon too.

Keep up the good work - and we'll be cheering you on from the sidelines ...and also trying to rein you in from going into Supermum mode any more ....concentrate on yourself, DGD and BF and I'm sure that all three of you will benefit.
x

oystercatcher

Well done. I think you've made some good decisions which seem to be achieveable. It must be so hard to admit to yourself that you can't do everything and make everything right. I hope you can manage to make a nice little home and life for you and DGD.

By the way, when I was haveing counselling following my divorce the counsellor told me it was Ok to cry in front of the children sometimes and for them to know that I was unhappy about what was happening.
I think as DGD grows up she's going to question what has happened and it is important for her to know that it's not what you chose or her Mum chose but that you did what was best under the circumstances. So if she sees you unhappy maybe you can say that you're sad because she can't live with mummy, but you still love her and her Mum loves her (as best she can!)

Huge hugs

X

clairehi

Well done Mooloo, lots of big cheers from the sidelines here too.

Wishing you lots of luck and strength in your dealings with the SW, doctor etc.

minimoneysaver

Well done Mooloo and a huge well done to Mooloo's BF for praising Mooloo on making the right choice. You and DGD will be a great little team. It is time to enjoy life!

Keeping_Motivated

Mooloo wrote: »

I also went through the thoughts of how "unfair" it was to have DGD, and the possibilities of the problems with my BF over the time.
But I know in my heart that I love DGD like my own, and that there would be nothing positive in my world if she was not here. She is a delight, and I am going to enjoy her from now on.

:A This brought tears to my eyes. She is a lucky little girl to have you in her life and I know she repays you with her charm and wit, she sounds a delight.

And for what its worth I think you are doing the right thing with your decision to let the twins deal with their own issues. If your help was actually 'helping' them progress then I would say please keep trying but as your help is actually only giving them an extremely brief reprieve (before they lurch into the next crisis) then all your help is actually doing is causing you and DGD to be in continued crisis's alongside them and everyone loses.

When they start to twig that calling you will not bail them out then they will find another way of dealing with their crisis rather than you being their first port of call. Tough love is hard to do but I do believe its more effective than what you have been doing.

Good luck with seeing the plan through, you can do it its just going to be out of your comfort zone for a while.

SDG31000

The best of luck with the meeting with the Social Worker today Mooloo. If I were you I would write out all the things you want help with, so that you remember them, and then write down the answers you are given and get the social worker to sign the paper. That way you have proof of what has been offered to you. Then you can research in your own time and find out if you are entitled to more help than is offered.
I think you are making the right decisions and if there is anything that I can do to help, then please don't be afraid to ask. I know you don't me as well as those that have been with you from the start of this, but I promise I don't bite.

floss2

Fab post Mooloo, I'm glad you have made those difficult decisions, and that you have Molly to talk to.

Love, Floss xx

SingleSue

Mooloo wrote: »

Well I went to the coffee stop, in the village this morning. Unfortunately I broke down in tears, and ended up talking to the vicar/reverands Wife, in a seperate room. I have cried my eyes out on her, poor woman, for about two hours!.
I am still crying. Cant seem to stop.
I just feel that there is nothing left of me to give. That I am finally at the end of my tether.
DGD and I have food in the house, there is now some petrol in the car, and when she comes back from Nursery today, we will be fine.
I am still not sure if I want to collect her mum to come here for her time with DGD, as I am so fed up of feeding/caring/supplying etc etc for the twins.
I need to get this crying out of the way though, so DGD doesnt see granny "sad" as she says.
I will try again to find time/sort out the advocacy for the twins. I am trying so hard to get them Adult Social Workers. To get one for me too.
I do think I need some councilling, but its where to fit it all in.
I know that I have to say "NO" to the family, and as I say it more often I am hoping that they will learn that I mean it, and that I do actually mean it.
That the Bank of Mum is closed.
That my time is no longer theirs at the drop of a hat.
That my storecupboards of food were for DGD and myself, and that from now on, they cannot raid it when they visit.
That there is a God up there who will realise that I have had enough. That he has tested me to the limits, and that its time to find the answers somewhere in this universe to sort out all of these things before Its me that is lost.
Sorry that probably sounds a bit dramatic, but to be honest I feel like I have cracked!.
I want to run for the hills.
I want a weeks holiday in the sun, (well at least we have the sun now, here) and I want to sit by the sea and watch the waves a bit like Shirley Valentine, except I dont want any romance. (Well other then with the BF I currently have). Except I want to stay where the beach is, keep the sunsets and have my stroll along the beach in the evenings.
I dont want to come back from that dream.
I want to be in a world that has solutions not only problems. I dont want my life to be lurching from crisis to crisis. That the family can for once be settled somewhere where we can relax about it.
Why is that such a big ask?
Why do I feel as if I have been abandoned in a minefield?
Cos I do.
No matter how positive I try to be in the mornings. How hopeful I am that the day ahead will be a good one, there is always something that is now just another heavy straw on my back. Silly little things.
There was no special reason why I burst into tears today. I just did. One minute I am sitting saying hello and having tea and cake brought to me, the next I am exploding with the way I feel. I write this thread, not only for the brilliant help and advice that has been offered to me. But a kind of diary of my journey as I go.
I would love to be able to have a happy thread. Where finally I can say that there has been more triumphs then tripups!
I think that those of you who are following me, must think that I am exaggerating, or that it cannot possibly be this way. But I write how my days are. how I feel at that precise moment. I touch type. I dont need to see the keys on the keyboard to type. So it just litterally is flowing from my mind and out of my fingers onto the screen.
So today, you have an emotional mess writing to you. Later you may have the euphoric granny writing, to tell you something my wonderful granddaughter achieved.
I look for hope still. But it fades quite fast? Where I was always an optomist I have become a pessimist, more and more.

I want to shout from the highest roof top. STOP now, I want to Run.!
I am hoping that I shall be seeing Molly this afternoon. Gosh, I need to pull myself together as its already afternoon!.
I better go and wash my face. JPull my self up by my boot straps, and venture on. While there is any hope of my pulling myself together today.
what a silly mess I am.! What a total idiot to fall apart today. My day for enjoying the world. For doing what I want to do. I should be happy today.!

Mooloo, that has just moved me to tears...you have basically said what I feel like all the time but just don't have the guts to say to anyone as I am supposed to be the strong one, the bubbly one, not the one who just wants to hide under the cover in the hope that when I come out, the problems would be solved.

I make the moves to try to make the future positive but will it ever be so? Will all the studying be worth it? Will the boys ever be independent enough for me to get on with having a life? A career again?

Middle son aged 13, still can't get dressed without reminders, wash without being told to, change his underwear without being told to, the very basic personal hygiene..let alone be able to cook for himself.

The aggression I face due to his aspergers and brain damage, the violence which has caused a lot of my spinal problems now (or at the very least, made worse the problems that were already there). The breaking of doors, the shouting, the hurtful comments.

The constant getting up in the night to tend to youngest, his hospital admissions, the same problems with basic personal hygiene (although he is slightly better than middle son....he can remember to clean his teeth!), the always needing to find a calm place for him, second guessing what is going to impact on his complex autism.

And finally, eldest with his myriad of hospital appointments recently, the worry over his future employment prospects, future children that he could pass his EDS onto.

I am tired, so tired just like you of the constant lurching from one crisis to another, the hopeful moments that come crashing down around my ears.....the merry go round is no fun anymore, can I get off?

Savvy_sewing

SingleSue wrote: »

Mooloo, that has just moved me to tears...you have basically said what I feel like all the time but just don't have the guts to say to anyone as I am supposed to be the strong one, the bubbly one, not the one who just wants to hide under the cover in the hope that when I come out, the problems would be solved.

I make the moves to try to make the future positive but will it ever be so? Will all the studying be worth it? Will the boys ever be independent enough for me to get on with having a life? A career again?

Middle son aged 13, still can't get dressed without reminders, wash without being told to, change his underwear without being told to, the very basic personal hygiene..let alone be able to cook for himself.

The aggression I face due to his aspergers and brain damage, the violence which has caused a lot of my spinal problems now (or at the very least, made worse the problems that were already there). The breaking of doors, the shouting, the hurtful comments.

The constant getting up in the night to tend to youngest, his hospital admissions, the same problems with basic personal hygiene (although he is slightly better than middle son....he can remember to clean his teeth!), the always needing to find a calm place for him, second guessing what is going to impact on his complex autism.

And finally, eldest with his myriad of hospital appointments recently, the worry over his future employment prospects, future children that he could pass his EDS onto.

I am tired, so tired just like you of the constant lurching from one crisis to another, the hopeful moments that come crashing down around my ears.....the merry go round is no fun anymore, can I get off?

Oh Sue, its a tough one isnt it!
You are brave too.
Life is not easy for so many of us on MSE, but with the help of the people on here, and with making friends with Molly, my life is better then it would have been I am sure.

You must see if you can get any additional help with the boys.
Carers to come in and help with their care.
With people to help transport going to the appointments and maybe someone to give you some respite.
Do you have a Social Worker? The children should/could have a social worker to help with thier needs.
Write to the top people like I did, but dont expect replies early!

If you want to off load on here, please do. Some of the posters on here are brilliant help. they gave me the strength and the hope to find the answers, and I think that we are finally getting the answers now. (Least I hope so.)

I have realised that I have to start to look after myself. I too was once studing for a degree, but I gave it up, as it was just far too much.
This was about 7 years ago now.

I still crave a career, but have decided that I will only have my craft work to sell really. I have to face the facts.

Good luck with your family. I do hope that you can find the help that you need. Its your human rights to get the help you know!