A new start for Mooloo

Errata

So sorry to hear you and the BF have hit a rocky patch again. Now that Biggest has changed jobs and no longer has to work at weekends (hope I've understood that correctly) can she take DGD every weekend to allow you to have a relationship with BF and for her and DGD to get used to being with each other so when she has her full time it won't be too much of a drastic change for either of them ? HTH and take it easy with your arm.
Just a thought - have you considered asking your GP to refer you for counselling so you can start to see the wood from the trees ?

tired_mum

Morning Mooloo
was really pleased to hear about the house for twin 2 and that the kids were ok The money is now starting to come in which can only make your life a bit easier sorry to hear about your partner have to say it is a big commitment to take on another child when yours have left home especially as it was hopped that biggest would have DGD sooner rather than later
I thought Twin 2 was having a person to help her with the children and general living?
Hopefully a good talk and the fact that she can see from her sisters situation that she could potentially loose the children if she carries on the way she does will do the trick fingers crossed

Savvy_sewing

I am not sure I have this right, but I am beginning to think that Biggest was really having major second thoughts about the impact of having DGD would be, and that her relationship was too "young" for them to survive if she had DGD in a hurry. She has only changed her part time bar work job, and not her main job.
She was having DGD most weekends, but it was too much for her and BF, and she has now only offered to have her every other weekend, on the saturday, and occasionally possibly the sunday night. But I would need to have DGD back by 8am on the Monday as she has her main job to go to.
So I was thinking that perhaps she really isnt ready to have DGD. That its not only the size of the flat she is in.
I could offer the back pay as a deposit for Biggest?
Got to go, butchers here

tired_mum

Hugs mooloo sounds like biggest is frightened its a big responsibility and frightning when you have your own child from birth she hasnt had 9 months or made a concious decision to have a child
maybe she needs to be told that it doesnt matter if she doesnt want to take DGD on its a very big responsibility and life changing
Hugs to you all sounds like its going to be rocky for a while again but as long as the right decision is made for all concerned then thats all that matters

Savvy_sewing

Yes Biggest has been told all that.
So we are going ahead with DGD stopping with me for a longer time. Thats where it hits my relationships. So the problems with my BF then kick in. As for him, the same applies. Its a big thing.
Then again, its a big thing for me as well.

We seem to be in a situation of circumstances beyond our control!
Well it seems that I am the only one who is bearing the aftermath of it all.

tired_mum

Cant offer a solution Mooloo wish i could think you are going to have to take a long hard look to see if you can cope with DGD yourself and what will happen if you cannot carry on . Just a quick thought Biggest isnt worried that DGD might have the same problems as her mum is she and thats whats worrying her?
You know where we all are take care all of you

Savvy_sewing

Well there are no signs of DGD having anything like her Mum. She is very clever, very advanced for her age at the moment, and so I do not think that that is an issue. Its the practical side thats the issue. Giving up work, moving, having the responsibility, and expecting her newish BF to take it all as well.

Errata

Mooloo wrote: »

I am not sure I have this right, but I am beginning to think that Biggest was really having major second thoughts about the impact of having DGD would be, and that her relationship was too "young" for them to survive if she had DGD in a hurry. She has only changed her part time bar work job, and not her main job.
She was having DGD most weekends, but it was too much for her and BF, and she has now only offered to have her every other weekend, on the saturday, and occasionally possibly the sunday night. But I would need to have DGD back by 8am on the Monday as she has her main job to go to.
So I was thinking that perhaps she really isnt ready to have DGD. That its not only the size of the flat she is in.
I could offer the back pay as a deposit for Biggest?
Got to go, butchers here

If she and her BF can't cope between them with having DGD every weekend, it's a bit hard to see how they could cope with having her all the time, and even harder to see how Biggest could cope on her own if the BF jumps ship. It looks like some hard thinking and an even harder discussion would clear the air and allow everyone to understand where everyone else stands with this and also provide an oppportunity to allow everyone to change their position if they want to, or need to.

Re; the deposit. Biggest will get her deposit back at the end of her current tenancy and there is plenty of time before September for her, her BF and you to squirrel away a bit if there's a shortfall if her new property needs a larger deposit.

Just my thoughts, best wishes as always, and HTH

queen_of_string

There is so often a gap between what anyone would like to do and what, in real terms is possible.

For DGD to have care from family is a lovely idea, but maybe not actually possible. SS could have made different decisions, and a different SW may have tried to do things differently. They didn't and it seems from your posts that her Mum has accepted that she wont be raising her daughter and moved on in her life.

One of the hard thoughts you all need to have is whether DGD would be better to go for adoption sooner rather than later. She's only 2, someone somewhere, who is desparatly waiting for a child, would be absolutely delighted to make such an intelligent and loving child a part of their family.

This wouldnt mean the end of you spending time with her either, you could continue to have a much more ordinary grandparent relationship with her and contribute to her life.

God knows it would be a heck of a thing to do, but if it gives DGD the best chance of a stable and loving home with people who have the energy and resources to meet her needs then I think it has to be on the table with the other possibilities.

I'm not trying to negate anything you do or have done for this little girl, Mooloo. I think you are doing and have done, a fabulous job with her under extremely difficult circumstances. I also dont think a bit of extra telly does any harm when mummy ( grandma) is having a bit of a struggle for a couple of days! I am just acutely aware of your physical and energy limitations in caring for her while you struggle to live with a chronic illness and the damage that struggling also does to you.

You dont have to demolish your entire life for your children. Sometimes its ok to stop and set limits.

Savvy_sewing

Morning,
I would like to get everyone around the table to talk about things. Including my BF,however I am not sure that he will "get involved" with a meeting.
I believe that Twin1 is under the illusion that she just needs to keep her new place tidy, and that she could get DGD back. I believe with Support she could care for her, but at what cost, and too whom?
She is going to be moving in here tomorrow now, as her new house is not ready. With no actual date either, because the contractors have not even started! While she is here, I will be in a better position to see how she interacts with her daughter and see if we can get a better routine arranged so that she sees more of her Mum. With the help of her SW, (pray) perhaps we can get her to go to Parenting Classes etc, and allow her to go to Mums and Tots groups etc. We will know then if she is interested in DGDas much as she is now saying.

Biggest is naturally having lots of thoughts etc.
She is going to have DGD today, from around 10am. Till tomorrow evening.
Perhaps with the pressure off, she will find her time with DGD, once again more enjoyable. We will see.

I do not think that there is Adoption anywhere mentioned. They believed that Mother and Daughter were to have as much contact as possible, but that their relationship was more like siblings then mother/daughter. When a child is adopted then the mother doesnt normally get that kind of access. Fostering is a temporary, be it longterm, situation, so that there is always the option of the child returning to the family, and keeping contact with the family.

Currently I am managing to meet DGD's needs and give her a happy enough life, but I do get worn out. However the conscensous of those around me, is that if the twins didnt take so much out of me, I would find it easier to cope with just DGD.

I believe that I am more worried about the future then anyone else is. Most see the positive and the future being easier. I suppose I am at the same fear stage as Biggest is. My future is going to be different to what we expected it to be, and the fact that I am looking at possibly having to bring up DGD for another 18-20years is scary, and my BF may, like Biggests, choose not to tag along, or take us both on. So Biggest is probably the only one who can understand where I am coming from.

I would like to take DGD away for a little holiday when my funding comes through, and still have my long weekend away with my BF soon. Then I will squirrel away as muchof the backmoney etc as I can. (except for catching up on bills). This will help me with the financial situation, and while DGD is with me, and funding helps, at least the stress of the bills will no longer be apart of my problems.

Once we have the twins settled into the new houses, perhaps things will indeed look better, and we can start to take DGD to playgroups on a regular basis.

Today, I am going to have my shower, empty the car of Twin1's boxes and load up the travel cot and DGD's things for tonight at Biggests.
Then drive on to Twin1's. Help her for an hour, Pack up the car with what i can, unload it here at the cottage and then go on to Oxford to see BF and hopefully 5 mins with DS somewhere along the line.
Tomorrow I will come back mid afternoon, and then go on and help Twin1, if she hasnt managed to get anyone else to help. Worst case we will have to black sack it all up, and just get it here. Sort it out from here together!

Still helping, but not as full on as I would have been in the past. (Hoping she does get some of the friends with cars to help her!).

So I will catch up tomorrow, if I have the energy, or Monday.
Have a good weekend all.
Mooloo