Advice on how to live happily ever after!

annie_d

My husband and i both work full time. We each have 2 days off a week, but not the same days as each other. We each spend one of our days off cleaning and one doing what we want (me gardening, him playing on "Football Manager")
We never clean when we are off together, we just "do stuff" together.
It works for us.

As the thread was headed "Happily ever after" I would like to add that the wayt to achieve that is just to be kind to each other.

Raini

Hello All,

After reading this thread I think I'm really lucky! OH earns more than me but we split the bills 50/50 at my insistence as that's the only way I feel it's fair. I wanted to do the lion's share of housework, mainly because I'm a bit dim:p, but my OH has a tough physical job & I do my full time job over 4 days (Mon-Thu to save petrol) so it seemed fair for me to do most of the housework on a Friday. But as my Lovely OH wasn't too fussed I have to admit that I did just give him all the jobs I didn't want! Like putting the bins out - that's a boys job!!
Splitting the jobs I find helps because if he doesn't do it neither will I! Although I have to admit that hardly ever happens! He is very good!
As for praising boys for doing chores I honestly believe that that's just the way they're all made. If I work late & my OH has done more that usual he meets me at the door (wagging his tail!:p) to tell me how good he's been!
I've been doing extra shifts recently & OH has just taken it upon himself to do the housework I haven't had time to do! I'm so lucky! Going to give him an extra big kiss when he gets home from work! :kisses3: (He left for work yesterday at 5am & still isn't home! )
Just felt the need to share!

belfastgirl23

OK the first thing to realise is that people only treat you as badly as you are prepared to put up with. I know that sounds a bit harsh but if you are prepared to go along with how your OH is behaving then frankly you are equally to blame. I think you're so concerned with pleasing him that you aren't prepared to stand up for yourself. He won't do it for you.

Here's the plan. The next time you come home and don't feel like cooking, don't do it. So he expects a proper home cooked meal and his dishes done. You're tired/busy/have a report to prepare and are happy to just have a sandwich. Don't get into negotiations. You're busy. If he wants a meal he can cook it. If you let him take all this stuff for granted then he will do. If nothing else it will be interesting to see if he will actually say that it's women's work. If he does, quote gordon ramsey, jamie oliver et al.

Secondly on the cleaning, you have to learn to live with the dirt if you want him to do something. I'd figure out where his lines are. Everyone has something they care about being clean. And then refuse to do it at all. Not in an 'in your face' way but in a vague 'oh is it dirty' way. Let the dishes build up. Don't clean the bathroom. Let things go. Wait for him to notice so that at least when you do do it he is aware of it. Don't have rows about it, don't square up on the 'it's your job too' stuff, just let it all slide and be vague. You can make the point without really getting into rows.

Finally though are you sure he's the man for you? I kind of think that the housework is just the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like you're feeling taken for granted in a number of different ways and are scared to rock the boat by asking for some more respect. But without it, your relationship won't survive. It certainly won't survive marriage and babies. So while it will be hard and scary now, look at it as future proofing your relationship....

Lots of luck...I know from personal experience how hard some of this is but I also know that eventually you do reach the end of your tether and it's better to sort it out before that happens...

Little_Monster_3

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

OK the first thing to realise is that people only treat you as badly as you are prepared to put up with. I know that sounds a bit harsh but if you are prepared to go along with how your OH is behaving then frankly you are equally to blame. I think you're so concerned with pleasing him that you aren't prepared to stand up for yourself. He won't do it for you.

Here's the plan. The next time you come home and don't feel like cooking, don't do it. So he expects a proper home cooked meal and his dishes done. You're tired/busy/have a report to prepare and are happy to just have a sandwich. Don't get into negotiations. You're busy. If he wants a meal he can cook it. If you let him take all this stuff for granted then he will do. If nothing else it will be interesting to see if he will actually say that it's women's work. If he does, quote gordon ramsey, jamie oliver et al.

Secondly on the cleaning, you have to learn to live with the dirt if you want him to do something. I'd figure out where his lines are. Everyone has something they care about being clean. And then refuse to do it at all. Not in an 'in your face' way but in a vague 'oh is it dirty' way. Let the dishes build up. Don't clean the bathroom. Let things go. Wait for him to notice so that at least when you do do it he is aware of it. Don't have rows about it, don't square up on the 'it's your job too' stuff, just let it all slide and be vague. You can make the point without really getting into rows.

Finally though are you sure he's the man for you? I kind of think that the housework is just the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like you're feeling taken for granted in a number of different ways and are scared to rock the boat by asking for some more respect. But without it, your relationship won't survive. It certainly won't survive marriage and babies. So while it will be hard and scary now, look at it as future proofing your relationship....

Lots of luck...I know from personal experience how hard some of this is but I also know that eventually you do reach the end of your tether and it's better to sort it out before that happens...

I guess housework is petty but if its symptomatic of something else that is going on then its not good. mmm where to go from here, maybe the other threads that are around at the minute where people are considering relationships and the future! :rolleyes:

fay144

I agree with Belfastgirl - if you are not happy, just stop doing it! It sounds like he considers his own job and spare time as more important then yours. I don't think that is healthy, and shows a huge lack of respect.

I don't really understand who these men are who think there are male/female jobs... I don't know any adult men among my friends that think their wives should take on the role of their mothers. Different people have different standards, and it is maybe inevitable that the tidier person in a couple will end up doing a bit more as it will occur to them first - but that is their choice. They only have themselves to blame if they do more than they think is fair.

I think a few people on here have been a bit daft and created a rod for their own backs by viewing "setting up home" as a fun thing to do in the early stages, and then changing their mind. There is nothing romantic about washing dishes, crazy people!

Easy for me to say though, as I'm a lazy mare, and my husband is the tidy one.

roswell

fay144 wrote: »

I don't really understand who these men are who think there are male/female jobs... I don't know any adult men among my friends that think their wives should take on the role of their mothers. Different people have different standards, and it is maybe inevitable that the tidier person in a couple will end up doing a bit more as it will occur to them first - but that is their choice. They only have themselves to blame if they do more than they think is fair.

I would like to quote you on that, as already stated the OP is the cleaner person so she is cleaning more :rotfl:

As for the male / female jobs its part of life drop the equality / feminst glasses and take a look around sad to rain on the paraid but woman do soem jobs better than men and men do some jobs better then woman its nothing personal its genetics and evolution men are stronger physicaly to enable them to do more physical jobs eg lay cancrete / build sheds / fix roofs they are also more mechanicaly minded woman are more designed for light work / nesting / arty compasionate type roles.

fay144

roswell wrote: »

I would like to quote you on that, as already stated the OP is the cleaner person so she is cleaning more :rotfl:

As for the male / female jobs its part of life drop the equality / feminst glasses and take a look around sad to rain on the paraid but woman do soem jobs better than men and men do some jobs better then woman its nothing personal its genetics and evolution men are stronger physicaly to enable them to do more physical jobs eg lay cancrete / build sheds / fix roofs they are also more mechanicaly minded woman are more designed for light work / nesting / arty compasionate type roles.

I meant small things like the tidier person automatically taking cups through to the kitchen as soon as they are finished drinking, whereas the messier person would leave it until they next get up... Nothing is ever going to be *exactly* 50/50. But not the total imbalance that the OP has.

My OH does a tiny bit more than me (things like the above), but if he waited an hour for me to get round to things, it would be equal. So he doesn't get to moan .

The male/female job thing is not part of my life at all. We both hate housework, cutting the grass, painting and decorating etc. So neither of us is going to do more than our fair share if we can help it. Neither of us is capable of fixing a roof or laying concrete - I'd be too worried we'd mess it up, so would much rather pay a professional for anything I couldn't do myself, rather than laying it on OH just because he is male.

We do the same job professionally and share most of our hobbies, so have very similar skills... the whole "men do some jobs better than women/vice versa" thing just isn't my experience in my relationship. I realise some people fit into those roles perfectly, and good luck to them. But isn't the point that the OP doesn't want that?

skintchick

I think this is a perennial issue!

My OH is pretty bad at doing stuff. He takes the rubbish out and cleans the cat tray, but that's it at the moment which drives me mad.

He is supposed to hoover, clean the bathroom and do all the washing up.

i do all the cooking, tidy, dust, put the recycling in the bin, clean mirrors, put washing on (he does hang it up at the mo as I can;t carry the wet washing upstairs), the paperwork, and basically everything else!

He is supposed to do the cars but he hasn;t ever cleaned mine and only did my tyre pressures after weeks of moaning and I have loads of men's jobs round the house that need doing and that haven;t been done despite lots of mentions.

today he did the washing up (from Monday!) before work but when I lifted the bowl up there was all food underneath and in the plug which I have told him not to do as our pipes will get blocked but he doesn;t scrape plates, just rinses them down the sink!

I do worry about after our baby is born but frankly we will have to get a cleaner if he won;t pull his weight.

Oh yes, that's how I put it to him - that he is not pulling his weight and that it isn;t acceptable.

Little_Monster_3

skintchick wrote: »

I think this is a perennial issue!

My OH is pretty bad at doing stuff. He takes the rubbish out and cleans the cat tray, but that's it at the moment which drives me mad.

He is supposed to hoover, clean the bathroom and do all the washing up.

i do all the cooking, tidy, dust, put the recycling in the bin, clean mirrors, put washing on (he does hang it up at the mo as I can;t carry the wet washing upstairs), the paperwork, and basically everything else!

He is supposed to do the cars but he hasn;t ever cleaned mine and only did my tyre pressures after weeks of moaning and I have loads of men's jobs round the house that need doing and that haven;t been done despite lots of mentions.

today he did the washing up (from Monday!) before work but when I lifted the bowl up there was all food underneath and in the plug which I have told him not to do as our pipes will get blocked but he doesn;t scrape plates, just rinses them down the sink!

I do worry about after our baby is born but frankly we will have to get a cleaner if he won;t pull his weight.

Oh yes, that's how I put it to him - that he is not pulling his weight and that it isn;t acceptable.

Let me know how its goes! you must be tired, i am without having one on the way! Has it always been that way? The washing up bowl thing happens in our house, and when he does wash up it's like a foam party in the kitchen :rolleyes: Dishwasher all the way! I told him how I felt and out came all the stuff he was unhappy about so we've agreed to a fresh start. He then went round the house making a list of 'man' jobs, lets see how long these take! He has offered to clean more I guess I just have to be more supportive than letting it build up before i get fed up! It was good to get things out in the open and find out stuff thats been building up from both sides.

I am totally worn out after it all tho! Definately no cleaning for me tonight! :rotfl:

kindofagilr

Little_Monster wrote: »

Hi,

I'm after some advice/views about my home situation with the OH, to see hows others work things out really...

Basically we live together in his house and I currently dont pay any of the mortgage, instead save for a house we hope to buy together in the future, and pay my half of bills. OH is not keen to have money tied up too formally so roughly I buy the food, he buys petrol and odd shops which add up I'm sure. Overall he earns about 10 - 15k a year more than me. :rolleyes:

So... I'm reasonably happy about the money and he is happy to support me in the future when we have little ones as I have made it clear I plan to be a sahm for the first few years at least.

My issue is the house work! We both work full time but he works shifts and does lots of other things in the evening. I work weekdays and prefer a calmer lifestyle! I also have some basic house standards and apparently he doesnt! I feel that as he has kept things seperate money wise and not asked me to be his missus (as of yet;)) that I shouldnt really have to do the vast majority of the house work and running. I am happy in the future to run the house and do all the cooking when I'm not working but feel at the minute I am being taken for a bit of a mug! I hate nagging but am starting to feel like I already am a mum!

How did others work this out before they were married or in the inbetween stage that we seem to be stuck in? :think:

Me and OH share everything to do with the house, we are engaged been together 2.5 years, I know you said you dont want to share the money with any formality, but we have a joint account and all the bills come out of that

With regards to the house, we share duties, we take it in turns to make tea, we alternate nights, we both do washing, ironing, tidying, hoovering, cleaning etc

For Example OH was off work today and we just got back from 5 days in London and we have left the sitting room a bit of a mess, and there was dishes in the sink

So today OH tidied all the mess away, washed the dishes, hoovered the whole house, cleaned the bathroom, and cooked the tea