Advice on how to live happily ever after!

Little_Monster_3

RadoJo wrote: »

I think it really depends on your standards - OH and I are fortunate that we have similar levels of mess that we can put up with, so it evens out in a pretty fair way. However we have some friends where he is a neat freak, and she isn't, so he takes on full responsibility for all the jobs where his standards are very high as neither of them feel it is fair for her to have to clean his way, and then the rest of the jobs (those that he can stand to let her do) are scaled appropriately. Of course, if your OH's hygeine standards are unacceptable then could you work out what jobs absolutely have to be done to a certain standard so that there is a basic level of cleanliness, then if you want to go above and beyond that it's down to you?
Just another thought - is it possible that your OH feels that as he pays for the mortgage that you should be doing most of the housework? I know some people who divide household responsibilities in this way, and it works, but only if they both agree on it in the first place! It might be worth discussing it from that perspective - it may be just that your expectations are different, but that some compromise can be reached where you both feel as though you get a good deal. OH and I do something like this - I do most of the day-to-day tidying up (kitchen, recycling etc), but he cleans the bathroom, which I hate, so I find it more than fair as I get out of the big job I hate and he avoids the little jobs which he can never be bothered to finish - we're both happy, everything gets done, and nobody feels as though they have a rough deal.

I agree about the standards thing, he looks at me in shock that cleaning the kitchen is not just about wiping the side down. I should get him to do the flylady jobs for a week! :rotfl:
If we had a joint mortgage then I would be happy to clean etc more but I guess as he has kept it to himself until we buy a house togther then why should I spend hours cleaning up after him in his house?

Mini_Bear

Hi OP - i am in the same situation as you re your OH and his house etc. We have a cleaner which OH pays for (he earns 4x what i do in a good year!) i save every penny i hav for a deposit for our new house and he seems happy with that. I buy the food and we split the cooking.
My boyf has a stepson who destroys the house every other weekd carting mud and debris all over the place. i bite my tongue for now as its not my place 2 say anythin but if it happened in my house i would go ballistic!
I would suggest some sort of rota with you doing slightly more of the chores, ie my OH is very fussy with his shorts so insists on doing the ironing. is there any chores he likes doin?

Pee

You've talked about children and buying a house in the future? have you talked about marriage? Have you any timescale for any of this?

I think if you plan to be a SAHM and do all the housework then you want to make sure he knows exactly what this will entail now, so that if you can't manage everything he knows that it is a matter of it being a lot to do, not of you being lazy.

Pee

Mini_Bear wrote: »

Hi OP - i am in the same situation as you re your OH and his house etc. We have a cleaner which OH pays for (he earns 4x what i do in a good year!) i save every penny i hav for a deposit for our new house and he seems happy with that. I buy the food and we split the cooking.
My boyf has a stepson who destroys the house every other weekd carting mud and debris all over the place. i bite my tongue for now as its not my place 2 say anythin but if it happened in my house i would go ballistic!
I would suggest some sort of rota with you doing slightly more of the chores, ie my OH is very fussy with his shorts so insists on doing the ironing. is there any chores he likes doin?

Will the stepson be coming to visit when you get a place together? If so, I think your OH needs to know your opinions on this now.

Little_Monster_3

Mini_Bear wrote: »

Hi OP - i am in the same situation as you re your OH and his house etc. We have a cleaner which OH pays for (he earns 4x what i do in a good year!) i save every penny i hav for a deposit for our new house and he seems happy with that. I buy the food and we split the cooking.
My boyf has a stepson who destroys the house every other weekd carting mud and debris all over the place. i bite my tongue for now as its not my place 2 say anythin but if it happened in my house i would go ballistic!
I would suggest some sort of rota with you doing slightly more of the chores, ie my OH is very fussy with his shorts so insists on doing the ironing. is there any chores he likes doin?

That must be hard and a tricky one to deal with - does your OH clean up after the visits?

Mine is good a running errands into the shops etc for me when I'm at work and he's not. I just feel everytime I ask for something to be done I am viewed as nagging!

Little_Monster_3

Pee wrote: »

You've talked about children and buying a house in the future? have you talked about marriage? Have you any timescale for any of this?

I think if you plan to be a SAHM and do all the housework then you want to make sure he knows exactly what this will entail now, so that if you can't manage everything he knows that it is a matter of it being a lot to do, not of you being lazy.

We are looking for a house but nothing we want at the moment. The house we are in will be rented out so that makes it easier. I would hope within a year or so for the house, when we have that trying for little ones would not be far behind. If we dont find a house then we do have room where we are. Not sure when marriage fits into this!

Pee

One day I was running around packing to go away and trying to do three things at once, with boyfriend sat there making me feel like I was holding him up, I was getting cross that he wasn't hanging up his shirts, couldn't see that it needed doing, and then I realised that I hadn't asked him to do it, so did and he did it and it was fine, whilst he was doing that I finished the packing and didn't feel harassed..

Also my boyfriend will do whatever I ask, but hates to be told he should do it now, really digs his heels in...

Dave101t

i do what i can when i can be bothered, usually hoovering or washing up, but she always has to tell me what to do and if she doesnt, i dont do it.

its not that i mind doing it, its just i am happy with pots here and there, clothes lying about, its not mess its cosy!

when she sayss 'now' i always resist, and strangly when left alone, i can do it all, in a nag free environment!

Francesanne

Let him do his share at the weekend. My situation was identical to yours but they still need to pull their weight around the home. My husband's great with the hoover and emptying bins. Doesn't have to be a strict rota but think it's only fair when you're both working.

KimmyCustard

Have a good chat with him. Tell him how you feel and say that you're happy to do all the things that you do but need him to help with stuff too.

If you can have a list at this point, of stuff you know he's good at doing,(mine does the rubbish, all the ironing, hoovering,loads/unloads the dishwasher, mows the lawn) then this subject is alot easier to address!

Men need direction and praise, God knows why, but a kiss and 'thanks for doing that hun' makes them all warm and fuzzy and you get the jobs done!

Bless 'em. :rolleyes: