Advice on how to live happily ever after!

Little_Monster_3

Hi,

I'm after some advice/views about my home situation with the OH, to see hows others work things out really...

Basically we live together in his house and I currently dont pay any of the mortgage, instead save for a house we hope to buy together in the future, and pay my half of bills. OH is not keen to have money tied up too formally so roughly I buy the food, he buys petrol and odd shops which add up I'm sure. Overall he earns about 10 - 15k a year more than me. :rolleyes:

So... I'm reasonably happy about the money and he is happy to support me in the future when we have little ones as I have made it clear I plan to be a sahm for the first few years at least.

My issue is the house work! We both work full time but he works shifts and does lots of other things in the evening. I work weekdays and prefer a calmer lifestyle! I also have some basic house standards and apparently he doesnt! I feel that as he has kept things seperate money wise and not asked me to be his missus (as of yet;)) that I shouldnt really have to do the vast majority of the house work and running. I am happy in the future to run the house and do all the cooking when I'm not working but feel at the minute I am being taken for a bit of a mug! I hate nagging but am starting to feel like I already am a mum!

How did others work this out before they were married or in the inbetween stage that we seem to be stuck in? :think:

debtfreein4years

i do it all, he originally moved in with me but went to college elsewhere during the week so stayed in halls so i did all my cleaning in the flat anyway. when we moved in together i carried on doing it as he works away for 3/4 months at a time and has someone do it all for him whilst he is away. its just easier for me to carry on doing everything my way when he is back as ive got a routine that works for me.

he does help out by cleaning the kitchen and cooking dinner, but thats about it.

i think the best way is to do it 50/50 as you both live there so you should both share the cleaning of the place.

gxx

NOVASTAR

My OH and I contribute 50/50 towards all outgoings but I seem to be the one who looks after the house which in a way seems fair (even though I sometimes have a moan about it!) as he has a physical job and I work in an office so get to sit on my backside all day and look upon it as exercise for me!!!

amylou8

I am lucky as we both share all of the chores but this is only because I tell him exactly what he needs to do - I am sure that men don't see mess or dust!!

Try explaining to him that as you both work full time it is only fair that you both do the same amount of chores at home and it is nicer to live in a tidy clean place that you both have pride in!

Zazen999

Before we got a cleaner [my decision, I earn 2x what he does], we would have a tidy up together and one would to upstairs and one downstairs and we would swap next time.

But then again, I am a messy bu66er and he is a minimalist....so he tidies regularly anyway...and I just try and preempt him when I know he is 'on one'.

It sounds like either you have to sort out the finances or just accept that it will be like this...do you think that he thinks he might be buying your housework assistance by paying the mortgage?

Financially, we put a join account together, which we pay a proportion into depending on our incomes...and this pays for everything. The rest of our cash is ours, and neither of us wants to change this. Although we do buy each other things still out of our own cash not the joint cash.

Little_Monster_3

Thanks for the replys. If I write him a list of a couple of jobs he works through them but has to be praised for everyone that he does! I guess I feel if he wants me to be a traditional partner in terms of cooking and cleaning then thats fine but its a bit unfair to then also want me to be all for equal rights and modern ways in respect of everything else! Maybe he ignores the nagging as he knows I'll get fed up with the mess and do it anyway!

Pee

We have pretty similiar ideas on when stuff needs doing and he does all the washing up and I do all the washing and most of the cooking as he likes washing up and is not too good with the washing. He is self employed so will sometimes be rained off work or have a day off between jobs and there is usually something about the house we have prearranged for him to do on this day, although he also reads and networks for new jobs - lunchtime in the pub!

When I lived with a female house mate we took turns at tackling the kitchen and bathroom and that worked quite well as different people seem to clean different things in a different way.

In both of those situations bills were split equally.

When I lived with my ex and he didn't work I felt he should do all of the housework and moaned like mad if I had to do anything, although I did do most of the washing then. I am quite fussy about washing I think... Whenever he was working I did tend to do all of the housework, to reward him for getting work, however sometimes it seemed his standards were higher than mine then...

RadoJo

I think it really depends on your standards - OH and I are fortunate that we have similar levels of mess that we can put up with, so it evens out in a pretty fair way. However we have some friends where he is a neat freak, and she isn't, so he takes on full responsibility for all the jobs where his standards are very high as neither of them feel it is fair for her to have to clean his way, and then the rest of the jobs (those that he can stand to let her do) are scaled appropriately. Of course, if your OH's hygeine standards are unacceptable then could you work out what jobs absolutely have to be done to a certain standard so that there is a basic level of cleanliness, then if you want to go above and beyond that it's down to you?
Just another thought - is it possible that your OH feels that as he pays for the mortgage that you should be doing most of the housework? I know some people who divide household responsibilities in this way, and it works, but only if they both agree on it in the first place! It might be worth discussing it from that perspective - it may be just that your expectations are different, but that some compromise can be reached where you both feel as though you get a good deal. OH and I do something like this - I do most of the day-to-day tidying up (kitchen, recycling etc), but he cleans the bathroom, which I hate, so I find it more than fair as I get out of the big job I hate and he avoids the little jobs which he can never be bothered to finish - we're both happy, everything gets done, and nobody feels as though they have a rough deal.

Pee

You do have to notice and give lots of praise, and then it happens again, and again... I don't mind that as I like it if he notices what I've done and says thank you.

tattycath

Zazen999 wrote: »

But then again, I am a messy bu66er and he is a minimalist....so he tidies regularly anyway...and I just try and preempt him when I know he is 'on one'.

QUOTE]

I can so relate to this-you could have been describing my relationship with this.

House work and cooking are shared between us-If I don't fancy cooking he'll do it and vica versa.
I try to pre-empt when my OH is 'on one' and do a thorough tidy up...coz if I don't he just puts everything in a bin liner :mad:-making it twice as hard to sort out!!!!
Bills are paid by both of us-not set in stone who pays what-tends to be more a case of if he's short I try to pay it and if i'm short he pays it.

Little_Monster_3

Zazen999 wrote: »

It sounds like either you have to sort out the finances or just accept that it will be like this...do you think that he thinks he might be buying your housework assistance by paying the mortgage?

Exactly what I dont want to happen. If he wants a cleaner he can pay someone and go back home for his meals. I have tried to sort finances, his family have a lot of money which comes his way and I have made it clear I am not interested in money I can gain just for things to be fair.