Parents organising students lives

magoogy

i felt i had to give my opinion on this as im one of those parents who ask their kids questions on these forums...naughty me....

the reason i post the questions for my daughter who is going to uni or other questions maybe for my son who works full time is because they are usually out at uni/work or off to gym/football or the numerous other activities they do in their very busy lives...as my life isnt as busy i do have spare time to come and post on these forums and definitely do not begrudge helping them by doing this for them...

i am there to help and advise them so they do learn how to manage their own affairs and hopefully not make too many mistakes along the way....we all have to learn somehow but if you do have someone to help you and show you the correct way to go about things through their own experiences they can help you....surely this isnt a bad thing?

or maybe i should just quit helping altogether and let them make a total hash of it all and then tell them to sort it out themselves?

sorry about the rant but i dont see any harm in helping our kids out with out own knowledge.

mumps

dieselhead wrote: »

The majority of parents give their children nothing or very little, most will do a shop for them at the beginning of term. As a student you really don't need a lot of money to live on especially once all your accommodation is paid. Perhaps your could do a 'test' online shop together so that you can work out roughly what his food costs will be (his friend is the basics range). He also needs to find out the costs of materials for his course. If he is currently working then can he ask for a transfer to his new city?

Also if your DH looses his job the student loan can be re-assessed based on your new circumstances, you don't need to wait till next year to do this.

Can I ask where you got the information from regarding parents giving their children nothing or very little? All the parents I know give their children something, some give them alot.

Not everyone works for an organisation with a branch in every university city/town so transfers aren't a possibility for everyone (weren't for my daughter or son.)

Your children going to university does affect parents as well so we are actually entitled to discuss this. I don't think there is anything on this forum to say we can't. I also understand why lottiesmom took it personally as she had just posted looking for some advice.

noelphobic

MrsManda wrote: »

Lottie's Mum - the OP wasn't referring to you in any direct way so I'm unsure why you are getting so offended.
In general I agree with the OP that parents often moddlecoddle their kids when they're going to university. However there can be many good reasons for this and everybody's situation is different. I personally was amazed about how many students take their parents to university interviews yet my mum's collegues were horrified that when I was looking at universities when I was 17 she didn't come with me - she came home upset thinking that she'd abandoned me
However I think there has been only one time that I'm thought a parent had stepped over the line with a kid going to uni. At my interview for a course in Nottingham, one girl's parents had to be gently but firmly told to stay put when the girl went into the interview - her parents argued that they should be allowed in to stop the interviewer being too harsh! :rolleyes:
Most of the time parents do learn quickly to step back and let their kids take the lead. It's just different situations take different amounts of time to do so.

My son got offers for most of his choices and didn't have to attend interviews for any of them. He did visit 2 of the universities on open days. I went with him to York (where he is now studying) and his dad went to Sheffield with him. Parents were actively encouraged by the universities to come to these open days.

Stubert

My choices Sheffield and especially Manchester welcomed parents being at open days. Parents are sort of investing as well, so should be/are part of the process.

Lokolo, it sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself. £2500! You really don't need to be spending all that in one academic year.


I also quite like this board in the sense of the mix of students and parents. I'm not going to be a student much longer, not sure where I'll post

Lokolo

magoogy wrote: »

i felt i had to give my opinion on this as im one of those parents who ask their kids questions on these forums...naughty me....

the reason i post the questions for my daughter who is going to uni or other questions maybe for my son who works full time is because they are usually out at uni/work or off to gym/football or the numerous other activities they do in their very busy lives...as my life isnt as busy i do have spare time to come and post on these forums and definitely do not begrudge helping them by doing this for them...

i am there to help and advise them so they do learn how to manage their own affairs and hopefully not make too many mistakes along the way....we all have to learn somehow but if you do have someone to help you and show you the correct way to go about things through their own experiences they can help you....surely this isnt a bad thing?

or maybe i should just quit helping altogether and let them make a total hash of it all and then tell them to sort it out themselves?

sorry about the rant but i dont see any harm in helping our kids out with out own knowledge.

Haha I can't understand that. I suppose it depends on the kids. I rarely come home anymore (although my mum does pressure me to come back and when I do I get steak and chips for dinner, plus desserts.... lol) and I love being independant but one of my mates always relys on his mother for help and if possible would still be living at home if he could.

I think as long as you give them some freedom to learn stuff and don't keep them wrapped in blankets its ok.

When I moved into uni house I was mortified about my housemates. None of them knew what the fuse box was for. None of them knew how to defrost a freezer.... Most of them still don't understand how gas and electric bills work and were like "Why the hell do we still owe them more money when we pay X each month?"... *sigh*

A lot of them don't know how to wash properly but after naggining and nagging I am getting through to them!

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Stubert, the £2500 is for house. So rent and bills. It doesn't cover all of it but Stafford is cheap as chips so most of it. The £225, I save some of but my job mainly pays for the extras like petrol and extra going out.

dieselhead

mumps wrote: »

Can I ask where you got the information from regarding parents giving their children nothing or very little? All the parents I know give their children something, some give them alot.

Not everyone works for an organisation with a branch in every university city/town so transfers aren't a possibility for everyone (weren't for my daughter or son.)

Your children going to university does affect parents as well so we are actually entitled to discuss this. I don't think there is anything on this forum to say we can't. I also understand why lottiesmom took it personally as she had just posted looking for some advice.

Of course I can't survey every student, however when I was an undergraduate it was a topic we discussed at length and the consensus was amongst my peers that most parents gave their children very little support, this was 7 years ago things may have changed, however we all seemed pretty self sufficient relying on our loans and part time jobs to support ourselves.

OK I can see that some people have taken offence at what I thought was a pretty benign observation. However I still believe that a lot of the questions asked on here should be posed by the student whose finances it concerns.

Lokolo

dieselhead wrote: »

Of course I can't survey every student, however when I was an undergraduate it was a topic we discussed at length and the consensus was amongst my peers that most parents gave their children very little support, this was 7 years ago things may have changed, however we all seemed pretty self sufficient relying on our loans and part time jobs to support ourselves.

OK I can see that some people have taken offence at what I thought was a pretty benign observation. However I still believe that a lot of the questions asked on here should be posed by the student whose finances it concerns.

Um one of my housemates gets grants and stuff, even though his parents are loaded (not sure how he got everything ) so I suspect he is more well off than I am at uni.

One housemate has his mum pay the rent a few months at a time just to help out.

Um one doesn't get help supposdly but if hes running low his mum will send him some money (not sure how much).

The other one has a lot of savings from grandparents and inheritence so lives off that + student loan. Not sure about any help from grandparents.

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Back at home, one schoolmate has everything paid for. He gets £80 a week (!!!!!!), plus accomodation paid for. (WOW)

One gets extra loans and bursaries because parents are split and mum doesn't work (whom he lives with), but his dad pays him a generous maintenance.

My best mate I have said above, gets £400 maintenance from dad, £250 a month from step dad.

One doesn't get anything from parents as they can't afford to.

Ummmmmm dunno about the others lol I do live in a rather posh area though so it might be different in different areas!

boopydoo

Maybe I am in the minority of students that gets nothing from their parents by way of monetary contribution. My parents' wages take me over the threshold for any sort of government help or grants but that doesn't mean that they give me £3000 a year.

I took out loans to cover my tuition fees and maintenance loans to help fund my way through uni. I manage an overdraft, a part-time job and my loan to get myself through.

My parents didn't come on here and find out the info- I did it myself. Fair enough some parents want to help out and see where they stand but I hate seeing so many students who just sit back and let the bank of mum and dad sort everything out. Although when they do leave uni and enter the real world they will soon come back to earth with a jolt.


My main issue is definitely with the means tested grant system- once you are 18 your parents wages is nothing to do with you as you are legally an adult and they are no longer obliged to keep me

Oldernotwiser

I agree with the OP in a general sense. We get lots of parents on here who write "I've applied for the student loan" and we get lots of students who write, when they've finished university, "I didn't know that interest was added to the loan".

The two things things seem to me to be connected.

Asking for advice is one thing but doing all the paperwork for adult children does them no favours..

Burlesque_Babe

I agree with the OP. I was at Uni in the late 80s, early 90s and my parents couldn't afford to give me any extra money. I worked a part time job through the majority of my 3 years of study. I wouldn't have dreamed of involving them in my finances - because they were my finances. I made the usual hash up of them, as students often do, drunk too much, spent the money well before the end of term, but that's just student life! I saw going to university as leaving home, being independent, becoming an adult and living and experiencing life (including the mistakes that means making!)

It does my head in to see my OH get involved in his sons finances. Trying to sort him out house insurance (his son house shares), trying to sort him the best mobile contract, running him to placement interviews, speaking to his bank to try to get his sons bank charges refunded. He went to the open days with him, ferried him to interviews and tried to 'advise' which uni. he should go to. That never happened when I was at University - it would have been really weird to see a parent with a son/daughter at an open day etc!!

Don't get me wrong, his son is a lovely lad, but because my OH has got so heavily involved, I think he is going to have a rude awakening when he has to work and budget when he graduates.