My partner doesn't want children....

kazmc

I haven't had time to read all the posts but wanted to answer your question.....

The love you feel for your children is uncomparable and I would happily go through life single as long as I have my little girl.
A relationship?? your child?? NO comparison at all.

galvanizersbaby

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think certainly in the OP case she doesn't seem happy anyway so it's less of an issue. I just find it a little unfair that some people seem to suggest that if a partner is willing to give another a child then they can't love them.

I may be a little biased as I don't want children but I feel that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't then generally you really need to side with the opinion of the partner who doesn't. Having children is just about the biggest decision you can make in life and you really shouldn't do it for someone else when you aren't that committed to it. However, if you don't want children and your partner does you should expect them to walk away.

We should remember it's not necessarily women who want kids and men who don't. It can quite easily be the other way round with the career focused women of today.

I agree with you Gavin83 but I personally don't feel the need to take sides with either party ( I know some appear to have on this thread)
Both viewpoints are completely understandable to me - neither is right or wrong - we are all different.
I think it just highlights the need to be honest and open about your feelings before commiting to a relationship longterm as if your not in agreement in this area it is very likely to cause issues in the long term whether one partner comprises or not.

For me it would not have been something I was willing to make a compromise on so I would not have married a man who did not want to have a family.

galvanizersbaby

ceridwen wrote: »

...but then there wouldnt BE the possibility of an "accident" if there was a vasectomy.....well very very unlikely indeed.

As I recall - when I had a sterilisation - I was told it was 99.9% certain and if I came up on the 0.1% chance they would sort it out and re-do the operation. So - I presume the same happens with vasectomies.

On another note - I dont think those who believe that failed contraception is a child that was "meant to be" and they let it happen and have the child and those who believe THEY are the only ones who decide what happens to their lives and that an unwanted pregnancy would only happen through a genuine "accident" (ie that 0.01% chance) and would be treated as a medical problem that had arisen are ever going to understand each other. That being the case - the two sides of this "debate" just dont HAVE a "meet in the middle point".

If you mean by this as you've stated in your (many) previous posts on this subject that those that find themselves pregnant accidentially and make a decision to have the child as opposed to not giving a second thought to 'grabbing their chequebook' and heading for the Marie Stopes clinic for an abortion claiming they have a medical problem as after all the unborn must have made a mistake in choosing the wrong mother (correct me if I'm wrong but I remember your beliefs from a previous post) then yes I'm pretty sure there is no meet in the middle point.
These two different types of people have completely different moral values and beliefs for one thing!

ceridwen

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

ceridwen wrote: »

On another note - I dont think those who believe that failed contraception is a child that was "meant to be" and they let it happen and have the child and those who believe THEY are the only ones who decide what happens to their lives and that an unwanted pregnancy would only happen through a genuine "accident" (ie that 0.01% chance) and would be treated as a medical problem that had arisen are ever going to understand each other. That being the case - the two sides of this "debate" just dont HAVE a "meet in the middle point".


These two different types of people have completely different moral values and beliefs for one thing!

True. I certainly regard it as HIGHLY immoral to try and foist a child on another person if they have indicated they dont want one. I have been shocked several times by women forcing men into unwanted parenthood - and then expecting those men to pay for that choice they didnt make themselves.

I wouldnt dream of expecting someone else to pay for MY choices in life. If I'm the one who has made a choice - then I'm the one who pays for it.

galvanizersbaby

ceridwen wrote: »

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

True. I certainly regard it as HIGHLY immoral to try and foist a child on another person if they have indicated they dont want one. I have been shocked several times by women forcing men into unwanted parenthood - and then expecting those men to pay for that choice they didnt make themselves.

I wouldnt dream of expecting someone else to pay for MY choices in life. If I'm the one who has made a choice - then I'm the one who pays for it.

I don't think it's black and white - all people are different.
I think that if you enter in to a sexual relationshipship then you should be prepared to take responsibility - otherwise it is my personal opinion that you shouldn't be having sexual relations if you are unwilling to do this.
It is not as clear cut for everyone - people have different moral values and beliefs about abortion so while nobody should be forced in to parenthood I do not think it is right to force a woman in to abortion if it is not the right choice for her/having said that it would be the right choice for many women but I don't think it is a choice that many would make lightly.
Again I think it is possibly a case of making your views known before entering in to a relationship.

My daughter was concieved while I was taking the contraceptive pill 9 months after the birth of my son so an unplanned pregnancy which I didn't discover until fairly late on as there were no symptoms.
It certainly would not have been the right choice for me to have ended the pregnancy and my husband was in full agreement.
She is five now and we are more than happy to pay for the choice we have made.

If you are suggesting that a woman has not become pregnant on accident then I think that's a completely separate issue which I agree is deceiptful and immoral on the woman's part to say the very least - but any decent man who has entered in to the relationship willingly would take responsibility for his actions to some extent even if it was not his wish to become a father to the child.

myothercarisaferrari

I've been reading through this thread with great interest and its made me think about my own relationship x

Dinah93

ceridwen wrote: »

True. I certainly regard it as HIGHLY immoral to try and foist a child on another person if they have indicated they dont want one. I have been shocked several times by women forcing men into unwanted parenthood - and then expecting those men to pay for that choice they didnt make themselves.

I wouldnt dream of expecting someone else to pay for MY choices in life. If I'm the one who has made a choice - then I'm the one who pays for it.

Sex is actually around for making babies, the fact that its fun just ensures the human race doesn't die out! Contraception fails, none of it is 100%, and if you're not prepared for the possibility of a child coming as a result of having sex, then I'd recomend celibacy as the only 100% reliable method.

inaminute

I'm overwhelmed by the responses to my original post, I really didn't expect it however, you have all helped and I appreciate all comments that have been made.

I've still yet to make 'the decision' as to whether to stay or go but you have all definately given me something to think about. I will let you know what the eventual outcome is...

thanks everyone

stardoman

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think certainly in the OP case she doesn't seem happy anyway so it's less of an issue. I just find it a little unfair that some people seem to suggest that if a partner is willing to give another a child then they can't love them.

I may be a little biased as I don't want children but I feel that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't then generally you really need to side with the opinion of the partner who doesn't. Having children is just about the biggest decision you can make in life and you really shouldn't do it for someone else when you aren't that committed to it. However, if you don't want children and your partner does you should expect them to walk away.

We should remember it's not necessarily women who want kids and men who don't. It can quite easily be the other way round with the career focused women of today.

I disagree - I think you have to side with the person who has the strongest opinion. Its one of those things that you can't compromise on- one person has to give in totally. In my case, my husband realised how much it meant to me to have the whole deal. He then discovered that he loves being a dad so we now have 3 children. Had he not changed his mind our relationship would have ended. I wanted children to the point where I would have done it on my own if necessary.

I would like one more child, but as I have 3 already my desire is not as strong as his to not have anymore children. Therefore, I've backed down this time. I know I won't resent him in the future as 3 children is enough.

It is condoms, bytheway. He would have a vesectomy, but I'm not comfortable with the finality of a vesectomy. The compromise is for him to take care of the contraception (actually, I buy it, he uses it!) and I don't bring up the subject of wanting more. The pill would not be great as I'm very forgetful and I don't want an accident.

Life together is about communication and compromise. I'm not forcing him into anything and he is not forcing me. But we both have to take the other person's opinions into account as we are a couple and not 2 single people.

Mandy.

Gavin83

stardoman wrote: »

I disagree - I think you have to side with the person who has the strongest opinion. Its one of those things that you can't compromise on- one person has to give in totally. In my case, my husband realised how much it meant to me to have the whole deal. He then discovered that he loves being a dad so we now have 3 children. Had he not changed his mind our relationship would have ended. I wanted children to the point where I would have done it on my own if necessary.

I would like one more child, but as I have 3 already my desire is not as strong as his to not have anymore children. Therefore, I've backed down this time. I know I won't resent him in the future as 3 children is enough.

It is condoms, bytheway. He would have a vesectomy, but I'm not comfortable with the finality of a vesectomy. The compromise is for him to take care of the contraception (actually, I buy it, he uses it!) and I don't bring up the subject of wanting more. The pill would not be great as I'm very forgetful and I don't want an accident.

Life together is about communication and compromise. I'm not forcing him into anything and he is not forcing me. But we both have to take the other person's opinions into account as we are a couple and not 2 single people.

Mandy.

If one partner isn't sure about children and the other really wants them then generally that couple will end up having children. I was more referring to a couple where both of them feel strongly about their views. You could even say that they shouldn't have children unless both are 100% certain but I think most people can be good parents if they put their mind to it.

I feel from your posts that you think the partner who doesn't want children should back down for the purposes of their partner and as a sign of how much they love them. I can respect this view but I really don't agree with it but I guess it depends on your viewpoint. I wouldn't give my partner children even if it meant the World to her as I really don't want children but I don't think this makes me a bad boyfriend. I would fully expect her to leave me if it meant that much to her but I don't think having children just to keep a relationship going is the right reason to have them.

I agree that a relationship is about communication and compromise but having children when you don't want them is just about the biggest compromise you can make. You do have to consider the views of both partners in such matters but I just feel if both feel really strongly about this then you shouldn't have children.

Im glad that you and your partner are both happy with your decision and it was clearly the best solution for the two of you. However I don't think the same would apply for all relationships.