My partner doesn't want children....

vegankris

ceridwen wrote:

If theres just one message I could give to those in a younger generation it would be - "You will be totally HORRIFIED when you reach mid-life by JUST how much of your apparent 'thinking' wasnt down to you at all - it was your hormones and/or peer pressure" - well I certainly was......

I think a lot of people, especially females, who say they don't want any kids when they young, are told that they will change their mind when they are older by almost everybody that they start to believe there might be some truth in that, and that getting broody is a universal experience.

So they say they are undecided on the issue, that maybe someday they might want a family but they certainly don't feel ready right now.

That was certainly my own experience, and from having read various stories on childfree-by-choice forums, I know that I'm definitely not alone in having felt that way.

I told my partner when I started seeing him that I was undecided and didn't feel ready but I wasn't sure I'd ever want kids, I'd never felt broody.

But as I got older it became increasingly apparent to me that I never felt ready because truly, I never wanted kids at all, and the reason the broody feelings hadn't kicked in was because I never wanted them to. I made my partner aware of the fact that I was no longer a "maybe/undecided" but a firm "no, never" when I had, not so much an epiphany but just a realisation that I should trust my own instincts.

ceridwen

VeganKris

I can see why people say they are "undecided" when actually they mean "no - never" - as the pressure IS so immense from other people. Maybe I'm just a stubborn so-and-so - as I always said straight out "no - never".

I think - from where I'm standing - that as someone who is childless by choice - that I honestly dont understand WHY anyone would ever try to pressure me into having children - be it society at large/a partner/my parents. To me - its blindingly obvious that unless someone says specifically that they want children - then just take it that they dont and either accept the fact if you want to stay with us/or dont accept the fact and so leave us. We honestly really DO NOT understand why someone would even think of trying to change our mind - as WE dont try and change theirs.

EDIT: I think its possible to tell quite early on in a relationship if ones boyfriend/girlfriend wants children - just watch them when they are near children and their reaction says it all. Out of all the boyfriends I had in my younger days there was just one who had an obvious reaction to children - he'd start grinning broadly at them and looking very wistful - and it was quite clear that he would love to be a father. I kept going out with him - as I'd told him at the outset I didnt want/had made sure I couldnt have children - so I took it that he knew the facts - but obviously wanted me even more than he wanted children. I can also spot my father's face every time he sees little children as well - and he also has a very smiley/gooey reaction to them and is clearly hoping to attract their attention. The children react back too - they light up like little "torches" near someone who likes/wants them.

It really isnt hard to spot if someone really likes children and would like to have some of their own - and vice-versa.......

jellyhead

ceridwen wrote: »

I think the phrase "Oh...you'll change your mind" that gets thrown at childless people when they announce they dont intend to have any says it all.

From what I've seen many people really do change their minds though (not long after their 30th birthday), so perhaps that's why people say it so often.

It's very rude though!

I felt the opposite - the pressure to terminate my unplanned pregnancy while at uni was immense. I felt as if my parents were the only people who allowed me to make my own decision, everyone else was incredibly rude.

Frances63

SugarSpun wrote: »

My ex didn't want to have children, and made it very clear that he was utterly uninterested in raising a family.

It was one of the precipitating causes of our breaking up, and it was really difficult to make the decision that it was over and I needed to find someone who wanted the same things that I did.

My ex changed his mind, shortly after I got engaged and then pregnant. It's too late, but I'm happy and he's happy too. It's not an easy decision either way. Good luck.

This is the tricky bit with men....they say they don't want children and then when they have an offspring of their own they very often love them to bits and think it's the best thing that ever happened to them! I have heard this so many times.

They just don't know it until it's happened.

It's as if they can't imagine fatherhood, but women can certainly look ahead and imagine motherhood.

It's one of the fundamental differences between men and women.

DKLS

ceridwen wrote: »

EDIT: I think its possible to tell quite early on in a relationship if ones boyfriend/girlfriend wants children - just watch them when they are near children and their reaction says it all. Out of all the boyfriends I had in my younger days there was just one who had an obvious reaction to children - he'd start grinning broadly at them and looking very wistful - and it was quite clear that he would love to be a father. I kept going out with him - as I'd told him at the outset I didnt want/had made sure I couldnt have children - so I took it that he knew the facts - but obviously wanted me even more than he wanted children. I can also spot my father's face every time he sees little children as well - and he also has a very smiley/gooey reaction to them and is clearly hoping to attract their attention. The children react back too - they light up like little "torches" near someone who likes/wants them.

It really isnt hard to spot if someone really likes children and would like to have some of their own - and vice-versa.......

Couldn't agree more and I firmly believe that the "kids" conversation shoudl be had at a very early stage in the relationship to avoid future pain, I would rather cuddle a rabid, half starved pitbull than a baby. My most common reaction when seeing a child even, if its related to me is :eek: this seems to have the opposite effect on children, they seem to like my company even though I cannot abide theirs.
Kids are like cats in that respect.
Dont get me wrong I would never harm or mistreat a child I simply dont like them.

galvanizersbaby

ceridwen wrote: »

Actually - I have noted that one can often tell which people (of both sexes) are likely to want or not want children from checking out how they were brought up by their parents and how much their parents wanted them.

I reckon if I was someone who wanted children and I "had my time again" - I would think it well worthwhile checking out a potential partners parents - how they get on with them/how much they were wanted or otherwise by BOTH parents/etc

...from that I reckon one would have a very good idea whether the potential partner wanted children or no and, if they turned out to have the opposite viewpoint to oneself, then move rapidly on before one became too attached to them.

(I am British - so not from a culture that believes in arranged marriages - but one CAN take a few leaves out of their book in regard to being pragmatic about whether one continues an involvement with someone very different to oneself. It would save a lot of heartache later on - trying to change someone else.....)

That's an interesting thought - does that mean if you are not interested in having children you could be looking for somebody that was unwanted as a child and has a bad relationship with their parents?

galvanizersbaby

DKLS wrote: »

Couldn't agree more and I firmly believe that the "kids" conversation shoudl be had at a very early stage in the relationship to avoid future pain, I would rather cuddle a rabid, half starved pitbull than a baby. My most common reaction when seeing a child even, if its related to me is :eek: this seems to have the opposite effect on children, they seem to like my company even though I cannot abide theirs.
Kids are like cats in that respect.
Dont get me wrong I would never harm or mistreat a child I simply dont like them.

Could be something in that- I'm none too keen on cats and they seem to be drawn to me too for some reason!

vegankris

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Could be something in that- I'm none too keen on cats and they seem to be drawn to me too for some reason!

Going completely off-topic here, but from what i've read about cats, apparently the reason cats are drawn to the one person in the room who isn't that into them amongst a bunch of cat-lovers, is because the other people tend to stare at them, which they see as intimidating, whereas the disinterested person is seen as less of a threat. My cat never rarely on my knee when I call him, yet if I'm busy with something else, he'll be in the mood for a cuddle.

I'll stop talking about my cat now, as I'm like a proud mother once I get started... hmm, maybe it's not that I don't have a maternal instinct at all, and it's just that I have the maternal instinct of another species- if I could have a litter of kittens instead of a baby human, I'd be broody as anything!:D

glossgal

vegankris wrote: »

I'll stop talking about my cat now, as I'm like a proud mother once I get started... hmm, maybe it's not that I don't have a maternal instinct at all, and it's just that I have the maternal instinct of another species- if I could have a litter of kittens instead of a baby human, I'd be broody as anything!:D

Haha, I know exactly what you mean-if I see a cat in the street I'm practically running after the beast to make friends with it-kids? I'd run a mile!

galvanizersbaby

vegankris wrote: »

Going completely off-topic here, but from what i've read about cats, apparently the reason cats are drawn to the one person in the room who isn't that into them amongst a bunch of cat-lovers, is because the other people tend to stare at them, which they see as intimidating, whereas the disinterested person is seen as less of a threat. My cat never rarely on my knee when I call him, yet if I'm busy with something else, he'll be in the mood for a cuddle.

I'll stop talking about my cat now, as I'm like a proud mother once I get started... hmm, maybe it's not that I don't have a maternal instinct at all, and it's just that I have the maternal instinct of another species- if I could have a litter of kittens instead of a baby human, I'd be broody as anything!:D

That's interesting, I never thought of that, funnily enough all the childless couples I know are cat lovers so perhaps there is a link of some sort - or maybe not!?
Unfortunately in addition to not been that keen on cats I'm allergic to them so really can't spend a lot of time around them anyway which has been problematic in the past!
Anyway completely off topic now, sorry OP