My partner doesn't want children....

Dave101t

im getting married this year and the children issue has arisen already.
she wants them at around age 29-30 and although i would always delay and delay this, i know it means alot more to her than it does to me so its kind of agreed we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

in your case, already at the proverbial bridge, if your stable, simply get pregnant! if he is taking care of contraception as well as i do, then it wont take long!

he will soon come round if he knows there is no going back!

seven-day-weekend

The thing is, if one member of the partnership REALLY wants a child, and the other REALLY doesn't, then if they are going to stay together, one of them has to give in. There can be no compromise on this.

I personally would not walk out of an otherwise loving relationship in the hope that I may fall in love with someone else to the extent of wanting his children, but it's something that only the people concerned can decide upon.

My friend never wanted children, has been honest about it from the start of her relationship with her husband, he has accepted this (although I think ideally he would have liked children), and they are now very happy after twenty years as a childless couple.

swiss69

(My friend never wanted children, has been honest about it from the start of her relationship with her husband, he has accepted this (although I think ideally he would have liked children), and they are now very happy after twenty years as a childless couple.)

I can see why - no sleepless nights, no worrying about money, no teenage moods, no worries about school and future, being able to do what you want when you want, holidays abroad a few times a year to far flung places, hobbies,, interests....etc..........I dont understand why anyone has em but it seems to be a human need for most Women!

Gavin83

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

In my opinion such a relationship isn't necessarily one sided or unstable (though perhaps there's also an element of that for this particular OP) but I would say it could and would be for many an irreconcilable difference.
Certainly if it is something that neither party feels able to compromise on

I think certainly in the OP case she doesn't seem happy anyway so it's less of an issue. I just find it a little unfair that some people seem to suggest that if a partner is willing to give another a child then they can't love them.

I may be a little biased as I don't want children but I feel that if one partner wants children and the other doesn't then generally you really need to side with the opinion of the partner who doesn't. Having children is just about the biggest decision you can make in life and you really shouldn't do it for someone else when you aren't that committed to it. However, if you don't want children and your partner does you should expect them to walk away.

We should remember it's not necessarily women who want kids and men who don't. It can quite easily be the other way round with the career focused women of today.

inaminute

Hmm I don't doubt he doesn't love me, he just doesn't want to marry me or have any children. I suppose some may question why I didn't hear alarm bells ringing in the first place but when you're in the early throws of a relationship you don't always hear them. They are now ringing loud and clear!! :rolleyes:

I realise that I may not meet someone else or have children but then nothing in life is guaranteed you can only do your best to achieve it.
At the moment I am not achieving anything well thats how I see it.

He is selfish and would be the first to admit it but I can't change him, he is happy with his life its me who is not happy with mine so its only me who can do something about it. Its not a case of leaving a loving relationship for the sake of a 'baby' as I feel that there are other things wrong with the relationship and maybe the baby issue started this doubt in the first place?

Thanks for all of your opinions though its interesting to hear I'm not the only one who has been in this situation.

vegankris

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think certainly in the OP case she doesn't seem happy anyway so it's less of an issue. I just find it a little unfair that some people seem to suggest that if a partner is willing to give another a child then they can't love them.

We should remember it's not necessarily women who want kids and men who don't. It can quite easily be the other way round with the career focused women of today.

It's not just career-driven women who don't want kids- personally I'm just a lowly shop assistant so I break that stereotype!;)

I have to agree though that it's unfair that people are suggesting childfree people don't love our partners enough. I think that by being honest about how we feel and not stringing our partners along that we are being loving towards them. If you love somebody set them free- my OH knows how I feel, so the decision whether to stay with me or leave me for a woman who wants to have children with him was his to make. I'm not stopping him from having a family if he wanted one.

He'd be happier without me if he wanted children, as I mentioned in my earlier post, even if I did compromise and have them, he'd be with a miserable family, a mother who resents her kids, and kids who feel unwanted, whereas if he leaves me for somebody who truly wants children-which by being honest I am giving him the oppurtunity to do- he'd at least have the chance to be part of a happy family.

moosetastic

swiss69 wrote: »

(My friend never wanted children, has been honest about it from the start of her relationship with her husband, he has accepted this (although I think ideally he would have liked children), and they are now very happy after twenty years as a childless couple.)QUOTE]

After reading this thread last night, me and my husband stayed up till 4am talking about children, this has recently become a issue as ive just turned 36 and can hear that clock ticking in my head. I have never wanted them but he does. ive just never had the maternal instinct at all and i feel so awful for denying him the opportunity of being a father......

he has reassured me that as much as he would want a child, he wants me far more, and the possibility of ending our marriage over this is not even an idea he is willing to consider. Im sorry for hijacking the thread, but can just see where the op OH is coming from, but if the relationship is loving, and has no other problems, then it can work if you want it to.

ceridwen

Silverbird wrote: »

My first thought was that she meant he was going for a vasectomy.

...but then there wouldnt BE the possibility of an "accident" if there was a vasectomy.....well very very unlikely indeed.

As I recall - when I had a sterilisation - I was told it was 99.9% certain and if I came up on the 0.1% chance they would sort it out and re-do the operation. So - I presume the same happens with vasectomies.

On another note - I dont think those who believe that failed contraception is a child that was "meant to be" and they let it happen and have the child and those who believe THEY are the only ones who decide what happens to their lives and that an unwanted pregnancy would only happen through a genuine "accident" (ie that 0.01% chance) and would be treated as a medical problem that had arisen are ever going to understand each other. That being the case - the two sides of this "debate" just dont HAVE a "meet in the middle point".

the problem comes when a married couple have one person from each persuasion in it - and they havent discussed such an important matter as this at the outset. At that point - both are likely to assume that they can "convert" the other to their viewpoint. It probably only happens in rare instances - but each partner will hope that THEIR partnership will BE one of those "rare instances"....

seven-day-weekend

swiss69 wrote: »

(My friend never wanted children, has been honest about it from the start of her relationship with her husband, he has accepted this (although I think ideally he would have liked children), and they are now very happy after twenty years as a childless couple.)

I can see why - no sleepless nights, no worrying about money, no teenage moods, no worries about school and future, being able to do what you want when you want, holidays abroad a few times a year to far flung places, hobbies,, interests....etc..........I dont understand why anyone has em but it seems to be a human need for most Women!

She does like children -there are several reasons why she wants none of her own - but actually the things you mentioned above, in her case , are nothing to do with it although I'm sure they are in some cases.

She does a lot of voluntary work with teenagers.

ceridwen

One thing too that I think isnt appreciated by those who want children regardless of what their partner thinks of it is that those of us (of either sex) who are adamant we dont want children ourselves can still be sympathetic to those who DO want children/are married to someone else who also wants children and all the circumstances are right for them to have children - but their body stubbornly refuses to get pregnant try as they might.

I certainly have been told before now by people who wanted children - but were having difficulty getting pregnant - how much they appreciated that I understood just how upset they were at the difficulties they were having. They were surprised at how I seemed able to empathise with them much better than many other people who DO want children.

Hence - it is difficult for those of us who dont want children ourselves to understand why we sometimes get branded as "child-haters" - when we DO understand and are very happy for those people we know who have a properly wanted/prepared for child. We just dont want them ourselves - and cant understand why someone would try to persuade or trick a reluctant partner into parenthood.