My partner doesn't want children....

Mrs_Ryan

Im in a similar situation to you.

OH categorically stated he didnt want kids and neither did he want to marry me. I have a very bad case of PCOS and will need IVF to concieve, but first I need some treatment to help me out. He told me he didnt want me having any treatment as I might get pregnant (charming, huh??? this treatment will massively improve my quality of life but all he;s worried about is having to show some form of commitment)
I went off it and said he was being selfish and said I was getting the treatment whether he liked it or not. I also pointed out that his stepbrother has 2 kids with his girlfriend and doesnt want to marry her either. This brought him round a little and Im now in the first stages of treatment.
However, its not impossible I may still leave him if he carries on refusing to marry me or tries to stop me having any more treatment. He proposed to his ex twice and this still hurts me. He cant understand that Im getting to 30 now and want to sort my life out - he thinks Im going to waste my life on him.
But Im not and I dont think you should either, hun.
Lifes too short to be unhappy - think of yourself.

CelticStar

OP, I think deep in your heart you know the answer to your problem. No one should be forced into having children but, equally, neither should someone who has an overwhelming urge to have children stay with someone who does not - and their partner should expect that they might leave.

Neither my OH or I ever wanted children - we both admitted this to each other when we first got together - BUT, a couple of years ago I started to feel differently, it just came out of nowhere. I am in my mid thirties and one day I had a little cry and admitted to my husband how I felt, fully expecting him to flatly refuse to try for a baby. As I absolutely love him with all my heart - and he, me - I would not have left him, particularly because the urge I have is not just to have a child but to have a child with him. However, to my complete astonishment he just said to me that he was happy being 'just us' but if having a child was what I really wanted then he loved me enough to try because I shouldn't have to live without a child if I really felt the desire to have one as the maternal urge is a very basic and fundamental one for women. I was stunned and asked him if he was absolutely sure because I wouldn't want to have a child that wasn't wanted or was resented and he said that he had made up his mind and there was no chance of him ever not loving our child.

What I am saying OP is that it seems that your partner really loved you wholeheartedly then he would give you at least some of the things that you seem to need. He has said no not only to Relate but to marriage and to children -that doesn't seem like a partnership it seems like a dictatorship. He has everything he wants and you have nothing and that doesn't sound like real love to me.

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do. I hope you do whatever you need to do to make you happy.

ceridwen

skintchick wrote: »

But ceridwen, didn't you suggest a guy should nip out and have the snip behind his partner's back because she wanted children and he didn't?

Isn't that 'incredibly selfish', and 'immoral' too? Or does it only work one way?

No.

A person (of either sex) is entitled to make a decision all on their own NOT to have children. How could that guy personally be being selfish or anything - when he has told that girlfriend of his all along that he doesnt intend to have children. She knew he didnt intend to have any - he didnt hide it. So - he was being open and honest with her - but she is showing signs of staging an "accident" on him.

People are entitled to do what they please when they please to their OWN bodies (including sterilisation) - as long as they have been open with partners from the outset (as he has) that they dont intend to have any. It shows due consideration to ones partner - if one has said at the outset. What WOULD be selfish is hiding the fact as to whether one has made a definite decision either to have children or not have children - as the case may be.

I have done the same myself - I've always known I never intended to have children - so have always told boyfriends pretty much at the outset - in case they "got any ideas" about pressurising me. It was a relief to have the chance to get sterilised - and I promptly grabbed my chance - and just changed the initial sentence from "I dont want children ever" to add "...and I've made sure of it". The main reason I had that was precisely in case any man tried to pressurise me into having any ever - and I knew for a fact my mother would have started the pressure the second I got married..

Anyway - you have digressed from OP's topic....I suggest we get back to her question..

(hmmm....thinks...name rings bell....arent you the person who wanted a dressmaking book I was giving away? If so - did you ever receive it? Cant recall just who had that book - as I never had a thank you PM......)

Pigeongirl

Oops looking back at this thread I can see that I really should have used some kind of ironic smiley in my last post.:o

I was trying to say that the marriage will most likely not survive her getting pregnant 'by accident' and that she might well find motherhood isn't everything she hoped it would be. Hormones are manipulative things.

Right, I'm off to flush my pill down the toilet...:D

DKLS

When I was single and dating, I made it very clear from a very early point that children are not in my life plan, never have been and never will.
Strangely a lot of the women I dated didnt believe me and often said "I would change my mind". I even caught one in my bathroom putting pin holes in my stash of condoms. :eek:

I have been lucky to find the one for me, My Oh doesn't want children as strongly as I do and after a pregnancy scare, the decision was made for me to have the snip, mainly as its much simpler procedure for me than her.
Once I received the all clear from Marie Stopes, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, I wish I'd had it done at 18. And no it cannot be reversed, I asked the surgeon to do the job, so it could never be reversed.

For the OP, you have to decide if children are a deal breaker or not, If they are end your relationship and start looking for suitable father material. Apologies if that comes across as blunt, but as you say the clock is ticking, and you need to decide what is right for YOU.

Good luck.

funky_snow

good luck with sorting out your relationship... I'm rapidly approaching mid 30's and I've had 3 long term relationships that haven't worked out. I'm kind of sad because I could have accepted 'ok relationships' that would have led to a family, but I chose to not accept second best - but looks like I will not have a family. Although it makes me a little sad in my heart I know I've made the right choice...
You have to go with your heart...

And finally a little story - my brother was married and in the end the marriage finished for the reason she wanted family and he didn't. It stayed amicable - and she did find a new husband and had a couple of kids. He remained in good contact - and guess what - he's a mess. He realises that the kids have added more to her life rather than taken away from it - and he wishes he was still with her and he had not been so stubborn and they had a family... My message in telling this - is for people that think they know what they want - occasionally reexamine your reasons for a strong point of view - life changes and sometimes without realising your own point of view may be worth changing - rather than living with regrets when its too late to change your mind.

inaminute

Its good to hear all of your opinions and comments from both sides of the fence ie those who do want children and those that don't, so thank you for sharing this with me.

I wouldn't ever, ever trick him into having a baby, I have too much respect for him and myself to do that. Children need to be brought into the world within a loving relationship not one that ultimately started with deceit!!

Like some of you have said, I think I already know the answer to my question but I am worried about he will react towards me if / when I decide to bring up the conversation and explain that I'm prepared to walk away from it all if things don't change (which they're not going to are they?). I doubt he will change his mind or beg me to stay, so maybe I know the answer but just need the courage to do it.
(Big sigh)


You have all been very kind, I'm sorry I haven't been able to 'quote' people or thank you individually as I'm not sure how this forum works yet, but you've certainly given me lots to think about. :rolleyes:

galvanizersbaby

inaminute wrote: »

I've not posted before so please be gentle with me..:o


If I stay I keep asking myself will I be happy in this situation 12 months, 2 year and 5 years down the line.... and I don't think I would. When you love someone though its a tough call to make. Is the grass any greener? If its not broken why fix it.... ?

Basically I wondered if anyone else had ever been in this situation and what was the deciding factor for you?

Thanks in advance for your help.

Hi OP
I think you've answered your own question and you already know what the right thing for you to do is - just a case of taking a deep breath and going for it (easier said than done I know)
I've have been in your situation (not on the children matter) but similar and sometimes the longer you leave it the more you will regret not doing it sooner in years to come.
I do realise how hard it is though - good luck x

skintchick

ceridwen wrote: »

No.

A person (of either sex) is entitled to make a decision all on their own NOT to have children. How could that guy personally be being selfish or anything - when he has told that girlfriend of his all along that he doesnt intend to have children. She knew he didnt intend to have any - he didnt hide it. So - he was being open and honest with her - but she is showing signs of staging an "accident" on him.

People are entitled to do what they please when they please to their OWN bodies (including sterilisation) - as long as they have been open with partners from the outset (as he has) that they dont intend to have any. It shows due consideration to ones partner - if one has said at the outset. What WOULD be selfish is hiding the fact as to whether one has made a definite decision either to have children or not have children - as the case may be.

I have done the same myself - I've always known I never intended to have children - so have always told boyfriends pretty much at the outset - in case they "got any ideas" about pressurising me. It was a relief to have the chance to get sterilised - and I promptly grabbed my chance - and just changed the initial sentence from "I dont want children ever" to add "...and I've made sure of it". The main reason I had that was precisely in case any man tried to pressurise me into having any ever - and I knew for a fact my mother would have started the pressure the second I got married..

Anyway - you have digressed from OP's topic....I suggest we get back to her question..

(hmmm....thinks...name rings bell....arent you the person who wanted a dressmaking book I was giving away? If so - did you ever receive it? Cant recall just who had that book - as I never had a thank you PM......)

I still disagree with you.

And no, it wasn't me who had the book.

JWM

flea72 wrote: »

if he really doesnt want children, then he should have the snip. If he goes ahead with it then you know that he stands behind his beliefs, and that if you really want to have the chance to try for a child, then you have to leave the relationship

But from experience, lots of men who say then dont want kids, will still not take the 'final' step, because in all honesty what they are really saying is 'they dont want kids with you'

Ive lost count of the number of friends who have played along with their partners 'no kids' stance, only to have the relationship end, and then find out within a few years that their ex who was admant they didnt want kids, is now settled down with the 2.4

Flea

Same think happened to a couple of my friends.

I'm a Mum, love my DH but love DS a hundred times more. Of course thats not the same for everyone, but how will you know if you don't try.

Best of luck whatever you decide.