My partner doesn't want children....

puddy

i have never wanted children and therefore wouldnt be with someone who wanted children, it just wouldnt work. my partner has 3 adult children and has had a vesectomy, he doesnt want anymore so we are settled now. i hope you find the support you need to make the decision that is right for you and the future. you need someone who shares the same goals and needs as you and you will find that person

ceridwen

MrsTine wrote: »

I always knew I wanted kids one day and I've always made that clear to any boyfriends over the years... One I dated for about 3 months before we decided that we wanted different things from life - I wanted a family one day - he categorically does not! We're still the best of friends to this day and I do cringe when I speak to him about his current girlfriend who wants kids despite him making VERY clear that not only does he not want children - he does not want to get married either... she still thinks she can "change his mind" and I know he's made clear that it's not going to happen. I feel like slapping her round the face and shouting "wake up luv - he's NOT going to change his mind!" - but it's getting to the stage where he's thinking of the snip just to make sure that no "accidents" might happen... And in my view that's not a healthy relationship to be in.

Mrs Tine - sounds like you worked things out well for all concerned with that previous boyfriend:T In his position - well if I were you I'd help him get "the snip" as soon as..just in case she decides to have an "accident";)...whisper the words "Marie Stopes" in his shell-like (as in Marie Stopes Clinics) and he can have it sorted within the month and at a very reasonable cost...well worth it for the peace of mind he'll have..

skintchick

ceridwen - surely he should discuss that with his partner before doing so? They need to resolve the issue properly, not by him sneaking off to have the snip.

southernscouser

Timmne wrote: »

I'll speak frankly if you don't mind OP...

Your OH sounds like a bit of a selfish @rsehole. It sounds like (and I'm making assumptions here) he gets an easy life living with you and he thinks that he has the upper hand enough to simply ban you from having kids. He obviously assumes you'll accept that.

I have a couple of friends who've been together 12ish years and married for 6ish. She desperately wants kids and he categorically doesn't. They're both 33 now and I will be surprised if the relationship continues for many more years - someone once told me that a woman's maternal instinct is too stong for a relationship to get in the way of. If a woman wants kids, she should have the chance to have them.

Leave your OH - it'll teach him a lesson as a side effect.

What the hell? Seriously, you think men (or anyone for that fact) should be forced to have children or otherwise be taught a lesson? :undecided

This isn't like buying a new tv where one partner might not like it but will go along with it. There are far too many unwanted children in this world as it is. I applaud the bloke you mention for standing by what he believes.

As much as any man or woman has the right to have children, equally they have as much right not to.

Timmne

southernscouser wrote: »

What the hell? Seriously, you think men (or anyone for that fact) should be forced to have children or otherwise be taught a lesson? :undecided

This isn't like buying a new tv where one partner might not like it but will go along with it. There are far too many unwanted children in this world as it is. I applaud the bloke you mention for standing by what he believes.

As much as any man or woman has the right to have children, equally they have as much right not to.

I am a man SS.

If I had the OP's other half's attitude, I can't imagine how my wife would feel if I just banned her from having kids - this isn't like him refusing to buy the green curtains because he wants the blue ones; this decision will shape the OP's next 50-60 years - that's clearly a lot longer than their relationship so far.

southernscouser

Timmne wrote: »

I am a man SS.

If I had the OP's other half's attitude, I can't imagine how my wife would feel if I just banned her from having kids - this isn't like him refusing to buy the green curtains because he wants the blue ones; this decision will shape the OP's next 50-60 years - that's clearly a lot longer than their relationship so far.

No-one is banning her from having kids. She has the choice to stay with him and not have kids, or leave him and find someone who does.

If a man wanted kids and the woman didn't, do you also think that the woman should have kids just to keep the man happy?

Timmne

southernscouser wrote: »

No-one is banning her from having kids. She has the choice to stay with him and not have kids, or leave him and find someone who does.

If a man wanted kids and the woman didn't, do you also think that the woman should have kids just to keep the man happy?

No - see my post:

Timmne wrote: »

Leave your OH

Poppy9

It sounds as though you know the answer to your question you just want reassurance.

In black and white it does sound like your relationship has reached the end of the road as he is not considering your feelings in any of the issues that you consider important.

Look at what your wrote:

• • I've suggested relate, that was a big no, no on his part
  • as we are engaged I suggested we organise a wedding as a focus instead of children. Again he's decided that is a no
  • he seems happy with his life the way it is and can't understand why I'm not happy with mine.

Yes you may not meet a man or you may meet a man and be unable to have children together (while you may think you are fine, men also have fertility issues) but it's better than being stuck in a relationship where you do all the compromising and giving. You will end up bitter and resentful.

One of my friends stayed with her husband who refused to have children. When she was 39 he suddenly asked for a divorce as he no longer wanted to be married. They had been together 15 years and married for 9. She always wanted children but had decided she loved her man more. Fat lot of good it did her.

She is with another man now who has children from his previous relationship and has had a snip. They have been together 2 years and he's offered to get his snip reversed to try. He said he doesn't really want anymore children but he doesn't want to deny her the chance of having a child and would love her to be the mother of his child. He loves her enough to want her to be happy. She hasn't decided what to do and knows time is marching on (she's 42). I think she will probably decide not to have her own child but knows she has the right person in her life in that he is willing to explore options and is not just a blanket No.

vegankris

After a period of fencesitting, I decided I never want children and have put my cards on the table and made this crystal clear to my OH.

Luckily he doesn't either, but imagining if he did then it would IMO have been perfectly fair of him to leave me and pursue happiness and would wish him the best of luck in finding a woman who wanted to have a family with him.

I'd honestly rather he left than ended up resenting me for refusing to have children. If I did that to please him, I know I would be deeply unhappy as a mother, the child would pick up vibes s/he was unwanted by one parent, and I can't even see him being happy living in that situation, so I do see this as a deal-breaker.

Even if you or future partners turn out to be infertile, as others have mentioned, then there's the option of fostering or adoption with a partner who does want kids to consider too .

Good luck!

Pigeongirl

Just have a little 'accident'.

Your marriage might end because of it but at least you'd have the child you yearn for.

Life is a lot easier without a child though - you just don't realise that until you've had one.

EDITED TO ADD: I am being ironic! Sorry, really should have used a smiley.