My partner doesn't want children....

pukkamum

My sister was with someone for 12 years who didn't want children and she thought she loved him enough to give up on the idea of having them.
However she hit 35 and realised that she definately did want children and if it wasn't going to happen with him then she owed it to herself to try and find someone who did.
She knew she might not find someone else but she said if she didn't at least try she would be full of 'what if's' for the rest of her life and would eventually end up resenting her other half and that wasn't fair as he always made his position pretty clear.
So she left him.
Two years down the line and she has a 9 month old baby boy and is getting married in september and has never been happier.
I'm not saying this will happen to you she was VERY lucky but maybe you owe it to yourself to try.

P.s He wouldn't marry her either!!!

inaminute

We do communicate but I do find getting my point across difficult at times and often end up in tears which doesn't help.

I think I know what I have to do.. its doing it thats the problem, its hard to walk away from a relationship that to be honest is ok, it isn't perfect but then who's is? I just can't help feeling I'd be taking a step backwards in my life not forwards. Should I not be settled at my age?

We have known each other a long time, prior to being a couple so there is all the history, yes I know I don't know what's around the corner which is probably what I'm apprehensive about. I think he realises its make or break to be honest but the thought of hurting him breaks my heart as much as it does if I was to walk away.

I know you don't have the answers but its helped so much typing it out and having the opinions of others who don't know me - unbiased if you like.

thank you

inaminute

I've just read the post from 'pukkam' ... have you just described me ?? :rotfl:
I think its the doing it bit that I'm holding back on though.

I'm pleased that your sister had a happy ending it has certainly given me hope.

smartpicture

If you leave him you may never find someone to have children with, in the time available to you. But - at least you will know you have done everything possible to make it happen. If you stay where you are, you will always think 'what-if' and look back and wish you had taken the opportunity when it was still there. Wanting children isn't something that is going to go away, it is a fundamental biological urge and it sounds like it is very strong in you. You can't just squash it down and pretend it's not there without causing yourself a lot of emotional and psychological damage.

To be honest, it doesn't even sound like you're saying that the relationship is too perfect to walk away from in other ways - you're just saying it's okay, it feels safe and familiar, and it's a scary thought to walk away to get what you know you really want and deserve. That's not a good enough reason for staying.

The sooner you take the final step of leaving, the sooner you can start working towards what you really want. There's no guarantee you'll find it - but let's face it, it doesn't sound like you're very happy at the moment, does it?

Pssst

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5--Sje98jI

lostinrates

smartpicture wrote: »

To be honest, it doesn't even sound like you're saying that the relationship is too perfect to walk away from in other ways - you're just saying it's okay, it feels safe and familiar, and it's a scary thought to walk away to get what you know you really want and deserve. That's not a good enough reason for staying.

Sadly, thats how it reads to me too.

OP Both DH and I want children but its just not going to happen naturally for us. I hate the thought DH would leave me for someone who could give him children, but our relationship is strong and I sincerely doubt this would happen. TBH if it were to play on our minds as you situation is playing on yours I think it would suggest something fundamentally not right for us in our relationship.
OTOH I'm a realist and I think proportiontely few people are living out real love story type romances: I feel very lucky to be in one of those relationships. Sometimes a good, strong relationship without the selflessness is enough.

One thing that would concern me would be that if my partner were not open enough to my empotional eeds to discuss, not agree necessarily, but discuss things like children and marriage and wonder how selfless he'd me at times of other need: serious physical illness, times when I was less available because of pressures of eork/extended family etc.

Good luck OP.

Paparika

You can't change his mind, and the more you go on the more he will dig in.

my OH doesn't want children and doesn't want to get married, should i walk away, no i got a son from previous marriage, OH feels this world is over populated as it is, so with him in mind and a few medical problems i had the female snip, do i still want children, well yes i admit i would of loved another but know financially i couldn't do it, why bring up a child with no money not fair on my son, the OH or the child.

Marriage well it's only a piece of paper right? and if things go wrong the piece of paper can bankrupt one or both of you.

Few weeks back OH and i were having one of our put the world to rights conversations and we were talking about relationships etc, he turned to me and said you love me and i love you that's all that matters, must of been one of the most romantic things he has ever said to me,

I came out of a really bad marriage and met OH, he doesn't hit me, belittle me, thinks of my thoughts and feelings (when he can remember) even buys me the odd bar of chocolate (bless) I respect his views, would i force children and marriage on him - no chance, he wouldn't be the same man

simpywimpy

It did sounds from your further posts as if there were more issues that you were not happy with than just the child issue and I get the impression that all the important milestones of a relationship have been a real struggle for you to move forward with. Although you feel very strongly about having a child one day, his feelings are equally as strong - and just as valid and it would be wrong to expect him to back down on how he feels

Sometimes you just have to accept that a person is the way they are and enjoy the other aspects of the relationship otherwise you'll make yourself very unhappy by trying to change them int how you want them to be.

If on the other hand you don't feel able to accept this, it's time to question whether there is any future in the relationship for you. Can you imagine a llife without your partner?

My friend made a very good point when discussing my own marriage the other day, you have to accept the other half for what and who they are, not what you want them to be. It's our own responsibilty to make our own happiness and not for them to provide it for us...

Good luck with whatever you decide.

MrsTinks

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper not to all of us at least...
To me a marriage certificate is a piece of paper - the wedding, the vows and the whole thing was an open declaration of our love to each other... Something that really mattered to me - having spent many years before in a relationship feeling like my OH at the time was ashamed of me. It was important to ME to have things acknowledged in public - it's very hard to explain.
Ultimately relationships are about compromise - if a wedding is that important to one, but the other is indifferent then unless there are some serious reasons NOT to get married I'd have said the indifferent one should compromise and make the other happy... children are a little different - you can't make it all go away as quickly as you can a marriage After all you CAN get a divorce if the marriage goes bad (and if in doubt well... there are prenups )

inaminute

Smartpicture i think you hit the nail on the head with your post, you seem to have captured my thoughts in the 1st paragraph.

It is the what-if's.. if i was to leave and meet someone and they truly loved me and vice-versa and we couldn't have children for some reason I do see that as entirely different. At least we would have given it our best shot and fate decided the future for us but as I've yet to get to that stage with my current partner I think I already know the answer it is just so hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to consider.

Again, I appreciate everyones comments and did listen to the lyrics from the link that pssst suggested. I must admit it made me smile.

As a newby poster and having lurked for months I wanted you to know that you've all been a great support to me today and have made some valid points for me to think about, thanks!