My partner doesn't want children....

ceridwen

Well inaminute

I think you have taken a very fair and honorable stance on this - I am pleased to see that you have a very caring and good attitude.

It DOES begin to look - from what you say - that you might well decide to leave your partner. Anyway - I just want to wish you luck with whatever you decide. I hope things work out for you.

NOVASTAR

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Don't forget that it's not a clear cut decision between him and children. You might not meet somebody else whilst you're still of child bearing age or you might meet someone else who doesn't want children either! You might not even be able to have children when it comes to the point of trying for them.

If everything else in your life is good, be careful of losing it for something that may never happen anyway.

This is such good advice Oldernotwiser!

I found myself in the same situation when I got together with my OH, almost 3 years ago.

He had a young daughter from a previous relationship and was adamant that he didn't want any more children.

It took a little while and alot of soul searching on my part, but I looked at it exactly as Oldernotwiser said and realised that it was him who i love and want to be with ... besides i'm lucky that his daughter is an adorable little thing and i get on well with her.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decid x:)

Minimum_Wage_2

its very hard when you love some one so much and you would love a child together but it wasn't possible because the OH didn't want one. That can be very dis-heartening.

Gavin83

I find some peoples views that it's selfish not to give your partner children really hard to swallow. Having children is just about the biggest decision you can make in life and if you've decided your really not cut out for them thats your decision and should be respected. If one partner wants children and one doesn't you really have to side with the one who doesn't want them in all cases and then it's the other partners decision if they wish to leave or not. You can't sit there trying to change their mind or say they don't love you enough to give you children, thats such a selfish, self centered view to take.

To the OP, it's a horrible situation to be in and a wish you the best of luck in the decision you make. I really don't think he'll change his mind though and you need to decide if you can live without children in your life. Ignore the person who said it suggests he just doesn't want child with you, he may just not want children altogether. I know I don't and it wouldn't make a difference which partner I was with.

However ignoring the children issue he does seem a little unwilling to discuss and solve issues which are having an affect on you. Only you can really decide what to do and I hope you make the right decision in the long run. If you really do want children though you will most likely end up resenting him in the future.

Don't tell him you'll leave him if he doesn't want kids though, thats a little cruel. Either stay with him and accept not having children or go, there really are no other options.

inaminute

I realise that I may leave and may not meet Mr Perfect however, as long as I do my best to meet him then I think I could live with that.

My partner doesn't dislike children, in fact he's really good with them however he doesn't want any of his own, I don't think it has anything to do with 'me', I can see that now. That doesn't mean to say it doesn't hurt because it does but then life is tough and isn't all rosey is it!

I think the baby issue is only part of the problem to be honest and there are other things that I'm unhappy about so maybe I am doing the right thing so its not a case of I want a baby or else, its a bit deeper than that.

When placed in these situations you often feel alone and then you come on here with all these virtual people and realise that others have been in the same / similar situation, and it gives me hope that I can change my life I just need to take a deep breath!

thanks guys and girls

mountainlioness

Not to comment on your current relationship (others have given their helpful perspectives) but just a thought - there was an interesting and inspiring article in one of the weekend papers about some of the people who were looking to adopt some of the hardest to place children (it may have been linked to the TV series that's coming up) Anyway, one of the people was a single mum.

I don't suppose many ppl would choose to go into child-rearing on their own, but it is an option... an giving a home to a child who might otherwise spend their entire childhood in care is a truly loving and giving and selfless thing to do. There's no reason why, with a good support network, and love and commitment, that you couldn't offer a fantastic home to a child.

ceridwen

Now THAT could be an idea well worth looking into:T - ie the one about adopting a child in need of a good home....(after moving on from O.H. obviously..)

Curious_George_2

my EX OH made it quite clear a few years into our relationship that he didnt want kids... ever
and that threw me into complete turmoil as being a mother is all ive ever wanted to do, we had some very serious conversations and i came to the conclusion that if he was 100% serious and sure he would never change his mind then i would have left him.
I think he realised i was deadly serious about it and did some thinking, i wasnt saying i want one RIGHT NOW but would definitely want them soon...
in the end he made me wait a pre arranged time (til his 30th birthday infact) before we could start trying, and after a shaky start (he was nervous with newborn!) it turned out he was a great dad... still is,

but i would have left him no matter how much i loved him, or how much i thought we were 'forever'
im not the kind of person who could live without children,

on the other side of this,... my partner now,
his (thankfully now) EX wife told him she wanted kids and couldnt wait to start a family etc until they got into a proper conversation about it around 3 or 4 years into the marriage and she said she never wanted them as she liked her lifestyle the way it was,
some people shouldnt be parents... if they know it, then leave them too it!
she will probably eat her young if she ever has any

barnaby-bear

flea72 wrote: »

if he really doesnt want children, then he should have the snip. If he goes ahead with it then you know that he stands behind his beliefs, and that if you really want to have the chance to try for a child, then you have to leave the relationship

But from experience, lots of men who say then dont want kids, will still not take the 'final' step, because in all honesty what they are really saying is 'they dont want kids with you'

Ive lost count of the number of friends who have played along with their partners 'no kids' stance, only to have the relationship end, and then find out within a few years that their ex who was admant they didnt want kids, is now settled down with the 2.4

Flea

I know quite a few couples like this - invariably she wanted kids he didn't, they split around 35-40 he gets together with someone (usually with kids already) and they go on to have a new one, the women who desperately wanted a kid don't seem to find someone and are often childless at 40.

stardoman

I was in a similar position to you about 15 years ago. I knew I wanted marriage and children eventually, but it slowly dawned on me that my boyfriend did not see himself ever getting married or having children.

It took me 9 months to make a decision. During that time I didn't speak to him about it. I remember his utter shock when his younger brother got married and had twins. He didn't expect either of his siblings to leave home and it came out that he didn't expect to leave home either.

After 9 months, I sat him down and we had the conversation. He basically told me that it was never, ever going to happen and so I ended it. If he had said that it would happen one day, I would have accepted that. But he was absolutely adamant, it was not going to happen.

I think ending it made him realise just how important it was to me. After a week he started ringing me - but I would hang up on him. I wanted to give myself the chance to get over him and meet someone else. After 2 weeks he rang straight back after I hung up and I evetually spoke to him. He asked that we meet - give things back, end it all properly.

I turned up slightly late (I don't like waiting in pubs on my own), and he told me later that as soon as I walked in the door he knew he had to do anything to keep me. We had a long talk and agreed to a timetable leading up to marriage. No rush as he was a bit apprehensive. To show his commitment, we opened a joint savings account to start saving for a house.

Now, 15 years later, we are married and have 3 children. I would like another child, but this time he has put his foot down. We've agreed that he takes care of the contraception (that way if there's an accident he can't blame me) and I've agreed not to mention having another baby.

Sometimes, I think taking the drastic step of ending things can make the other person see how important the issue is for you. If he loves you he might decide that he will compromise to keep you. But you have to mean it and be prepared to follow it through if he doesn't change his mind.

Good luck, Mandy.