My partner doesn't want children....

ceridwen

Agree with Gavin - definitely the case in my book that I think having children is too important a decision to make unless you're BOTH wholeheartedly in favour of doing so - even if money didnt come into the equation (as there was plenty of it - which is not the case with most people).

Its expecting one heck of a lot to expect someone to give up childless status unless its something they REALLY REALLY want to do themselves. Its expecting one heck of a lot of someone to expect them to pay out the amount of money involved in bringing up children unless they've decided they want to have them themselves.

I can understand why someone would want a child really badly - and feel sorry for them if circumstances prevent them having them. I'm not at all sure, however, that those who want children can understand US (ie the ones who DONT want them). Our viewpoint/our rights/etc are equally valid and entitled to equal consideration - and I admit to being thoroughly puzzled that this doesnt happen in our society at present.

I think the phrase "Oh...you'll change your mind" that gets thrown at childless people when they announce they dont intend to have any says it all. I certainly had that phrase repeated to me endless times in my younger days - but the thought never crossed my mind of going "oh - you'll change your mind" to those who said they wanted children (I just accepted what they said at face value and hoped they had a suitable chance to do so). It did seem to be a phrase that went one way only.

stardoman

Gavin83 wrote: »

If one partner isn't sure about children and the other really wants them then generally that couple will end up having children. I was more referring to a couple where both of them feel strongly about their views. You could even say that they shouldn't have children unless both are 100% certain but I think most people can be good parents if they put their mind to it.

I feel from your posts that you think the partner who doesn't want children should back down for the purposes of their partner and as a sign of how much they love them. I can respect this view but I really don't agree with it but I guess it depends on your viewpoint. I wouldn't give my partner children even if it meant the World to her as I really don't want children but I don't think this makes me a bad boyfriend. I would fully expect her to leave me if it meant that much to her but I don't think having children just to keep a relationship going is the right reason to have them.

I agree that a relationship is about communication and compromise but having children when you don't want them is just about the biggest compromise you can make. You do have to consider the views of both partners in such matters but I just feel if both feel really strongly about this then you shouldn't have children.

Im glad that you and your partner are both happy with your decision and it was clearly the best solution for the two of you. However I don't think the same would apply for all relationships.

That's not what I think at all. If I had thought he should back down I would have issued him with an ultimatum - we have kids or else! Or perhaps I would have planned an accident (which I didn't and wouldn't do). What I do think is that when there is two opposing views one person is not going to get their way. I don't agree that this should necessarily be the person who doesn't want children. If the relationship is not to break down then one person has to back down. The person who wants children may decide, like my next door neighbour, that she would prefer a life without children and to keep her partner. However, I think my neighbour resents her husband though as they are now in their 50s and she blanks anyone who is pregnant or has a baby. She has only just started acknowledging me again and my youngest is now 4. I think she finds seeing mums to be and babies too upsetting.

In my own case, we talked at length about whether the relationship would move onto the next stage and DH indicated that it would never move along as he did not see himself as married or with children. If he hadn't backed down our relationship was over. I was 24 at the time and we had been together over 2 years. I felt was young enough to find someone else and it seemed pointless wasting time with someone who was never going to give me the full package. Finishing our relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I knew that I could not live life withoug the chance of children. When I fiinished it the choice effectively became his. Maintain his position of not wanting a family and never see me again (I wouldn't even answer the phone!) or change his mind and keep me.

I have to say I'm really glad he changed his mind. And it turns out he loves being a family man and is a great dad. He's just bought some books for our 8 year old and as I'm keying this I can hear them all giggling and laughing. Its so lovely.

So my long ramble is basically saying, one person has to compromise and each individual relationship will make a different choice. I personally don't think either choice should have prominence - its up to the couple to decide what is right for them.

Mandy.

Minimum_Wage_2

In many cases when one of the partners wants a baby its not always the right time, but this is when the relationship is good. if the relationship isn't good then one of you wont want a baby! as in my cases with my Ex OH i wanted a baby and thought the relationship was good, the biological clock was getting on but still time. the OH loves babies and gets all excited about them with spoiling them and all that, so i thought that we should have one of our own being that we both had siblings from a previous relationship. the other half always said no and i could never work out why, well i know now and that is that the relationship wasn't as strong as i thought it was. anyway to all those other people wondering why, it isn't always like this and that there are many other reasons of why they say no. best thing is talk to your partner, find out why but dont pressusre them.

ceridwen

Actually - I have noted that one can often tell which people (of both sexes) are likely to want or not want children from checking out how they were brought up by their parents and how much their parents wanted them.

I reckon if I was someone who wanted children and I "had my time again" - I would think it well worthwhile checking out a potential partners parents - how they get on with them/how much they were wanted or otherwise by BOTH parents/etc

...from that I reckon one would have a very good idea whether the potential partner wanted children or no and, if they turned out to have the opposite viewpoint to oneself, then move rapidly on before one became too attached to them.

(I am British - so not from a culture that believes in arranged marriages - but one CAN take a few leaves out of their book in regard to being pragmatic about whether one continues an involvement with someone very different to oneself. It would save a lot of heartache later on - trying to change someone else.....)

Lunar_Eclipse

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I think that if you enter in to a sexual relationshipship then you should be prepared to take responsibility - otherwise it is my personal opinion that you shouldn't be having sexual relations if you are unwilling to do this.

Agree.

As an aside, Ceridwen I thought you mentioned you were in your 50's in an earlier post on this thread. So now I would have thought it apt to say you 'didn't want children' instead of 'don't want children', or do you still see it as an option? Whilst it appears we are about to see the country's eldest Mother give birth at 66 (not naturally), medically things are defined very differently in terms of geriatric parents (are they as old as 38 now?;)) thus my genuine curiosity at your choice of words.

catkins

It's a shame you did not talk about children before. I am always amazed at how many couples not not talk about this. Often they just have children because it is supposedly "the done thing".

Childfree couples (and myself and my OH are one) do talk about it which is how they reach the decision to be childfree.

Both myself and OH love children but there were many many reasons why we decided not to have any and we have never regretted it. We have been married 30 years and have a very happy marriage unlike most of our friends with children - in fact they are nearly all divorced.

If you have a good relationship I would stay as you are. As others have said if you leave you may not meet anyone else, you may only meet men who do not want children, you may meet someone and find they cannot have children etc etc.

To me a happy marriage is very more important than a child. A child will grow up and leave home, maybe even move far away. If you have a good happy relationship your partner will be there forever

catkins

kazmc wrote: »

I haven't had time to read all the posts but wanted to answer your question.....

The love you feel for your children is uncomparable and I would happily go through life single as long as I have my little girl.
A relationship?? your child?? NO comparison at all.

.[/QUOTE] Children grow up and leave the nest, but your life partner is just that, there for life, and THAT imho is the most important aspect. I would not have wanted to live my life without him, children or no children..[/QUOTE]

Two totally different quotes from this thread but I agree with the second one. Of course you love your children but they probably will leave whereas your partner will not (if you both truly love each other).

My cousin wanted children and his wife did not. Again they never discussed it so only found out after about 3 years of marriage. He left her, married someone else and had a child, spent a couple of miserable years with her and then divorced. He rarely sees his child now.

ceridwen

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Agree.

As an aside, Ceridwen I thought you mentioned you were in your 50's in an earlier post on this thread. So now I would have thought it apt to say you 'didn't want children' instead of 'don't want children', or do you still see it as an option? Whilst it appears we are about to see the country's eldest Mother give birth at 66 (not naturally), medically things are defined very differently in terms of geriatric parents (are they as old as 38 now?;)) thus my genuine curiosity at your choice of words.

Errr...could be time to have a slight change of wording then.....as in "I didnt want children" (past tense). Proof positive that some people never ever change their minds then about not wanting them....I've had nearly 40 years of never wanting them...without so much as a momentary blip as to whether to change my mind or no...So - 'tis true...some of us have it absolutely "cast in concrete" in our minds and its a question of who has the greatest "pain" if someone tries to change our minds - us or them? I would say "them"...

ceridwen

catkins wrote: »

It's a shame you did not talk about children before. I am always amazed at how many couples not not talk about this. Often they just have children because it is supposedly "the done thing".

Couldnt agree more.

There are various things in life that are absolutely MAJOR decisions - and I cant understand why people dont sit down and discuss all these major issues BEFORE getting together. I think possibly whether to have children or no might be the most major of the MAJOR issues - and its certainly one there is no going back on once one has had a child - thats it then for 20 odd years and no chance to change ones mind then.

I know a lot of people dont seem to get married anymore (something that tends to puzzle someone from my - middle-aged - agegroup) - but I do recall once reading about a vicar who had a couple of meetings with couples about to get married just prior to that and had them both duly work through a "checklist" he had compiled - to ensure that they had both discussed all the major issues with each other beforehand and made sure they were fundamentally in agreement about them. I remember thinking "What an eminently sensible idea - good for him" about that.

I guess - and I am judging partly by my own experience here :cool: - that one honestly doesnt realise JUST how much of one's apparent "thinking" is done by one's hormones and/or peer pressure when one is younger. That fact only becomes apparent when one is taking the great gulps of "fresh air/clear thinking" that come into play come middle age - when both those factors dont come into consideration any more for most of us - its just ONESELF and ONESELF alone that is doing the thinking and then one can see issues really clearly - and wishes that one had always been able to see things so clearly - life would have been one heck of a lot easier/better.....

If theres just one message I could give to those in a younger generation it would be - "You will be totally HORRIFIED when you reach mid-life by JUST how much of your apparent 'thinking' wasnt down to you at all - it was your hormones and/or peer pressure" - well I certainly was......

Danni1979

Oh Hunni what a awful position to be in,i truly feel for you,My sister was in a very similar position,was with a lovely guy for 13 years,he was adamant he didnt want to get married or have children,eventually through other problems in their relationship she called it a day at which he promptly offered tomarry her and have children,which she refused,she had always desperatly wanted children but by this point just knew it would never work out with him.She then went on to have a 6 year relationship with another man and although she did still want children,the relationship (she felt) wasnt good to bring a child into.So now she is 45,has no children and no man in her life and she is happy,of course she is sad that she never had children as she always wanted them but on the other hand is also very glad that she didnt bring a child into a bad relationship,she feels sure she has done the right thing for her.
I think only you can make the decision you have to make,but to me it comes across that he doesnt like change and is kinda scared,if this is the case maybe if you reassured him it may help.
Sorry its not much but hope this helps.
D
xx xx