My partner doesn't want children....

ceridwen

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

That's an interesting thought - does that mean if you are not interested in having children you could be looking for somebody that was unwanted as a child and has a bad relationship with their parents?

I have a theory ('tis only a theory of mine mark you:D) that those who want children have either been wanted by BOTH parents or havent been wanted at all (so are hoping to "reverse history" by doing better with their own). With the vast majority of those who want children doing so because they've had BOTH parents liking and wanting children. Or - maybe thats just the people I've noticed and the wanting/not wanting them gets equally spread out over all shades of wanting/upbringing by parents?

I think if one has been born to parents who both like and want children - then you see having children as a positive thing/adds joy and fulfilment to life, etc - as thats how both your parents saw it - and you want some of that for yourself and think thats an essential constituent part of being a couple.

If just one parent likes/wants children - then you can see that children are okay and appreciate individual children (same as you appreciate individual likeable adults) - but you are very well aware of all the negative side of having children - like not enough money/not enough time/possible damage to your health and looks for the woman/etc and you sit and weigh up very logically whether you want to have any of your own or no - and probably decide the cost (whether financial or otherwise) would be far too high.

catkins

ceridwen wrote: »

I have a theory ('tis only a theory of mine mark you:D) that those who want children have either been wanted by BOTH parents or havent been wanted at all (so are hoping to "reverse history" by doing better with their own). With the vast majority of those who want children doing so because they've had BOTH parents liking and wanting children. Or - maybe thats just the people I've noticed and the wanting/not wanting them gets equally spread out over all shades of wanting/upbringing by parents?

I think if one has been born to parents who both like and want children - then you see having children as a positive thing/adds joy and fulfilment to life, etc - as thats how both your parents saw it - and you want some of that for yourself and think thats an essential constituent part of being a couple.

If just one parent likes/wants children - then you can see that children are okay and appreciate individual children (same as you appreciate individual likeable adults) - but you are very well aware of all the negative side of having children - like not enough money/not enough time/possible damage to your health and looks for the woman/etc and you sit and weigh up very logically whether you want to have any of your own or no - and probably decide the cost (whether financial or otherwise) would be far too high.

Ceridwen, you have made some very interesting points in this thread. When you said about looking at how people react to children I disagreed to an extent about that because my husband was always adamant he did not want children whereas I was initially unsure. However we both love children and are both very good with them. Children seem to love my husband and he is brilliant with them and loves spending time with them. I always enjoyed spending time with our neices and nephews and playing with them but it was my OH who would be down on the floor with them crawling or climbing all over him or playing doctors and nurses with them using the hammer thing to test reflexes to hit him all over with!

His parents did not want a boy and I know he did not have a happy childhood although he will never talk about it. He said early on before we were married that he did not want children because he was scared that he would make an awful dad and they too would have an an unhappy childhood.

He actually would have been a brilliant dad I think.

My parents were and are good kind loving parents but I do think if contraceptives were better at the time they may well have chosen not to have children as they were always very wrapped up with each other.

Maybe those things were subconsciously in our minds but we discussed it to death and there were lots of reasons we chose not to have children, the main ones for us being overpopulation, the state of the world, our financial circumstances etc

ailuro2

Frances - I think you'll find going via the NHS they expect your DH to be there too? Find the answer to this question first, so you know how to present yourself for treatment.;)

IF you were to be successful, how would the child feel when it grew up and found out DH isn't dear father after all?

ailuro2

Good Luck to you,

Parenthood is really hard on partnerships , especially the first year after birth , and many couples struggle to survive the difficult first year, even when they both longed for the baby. Make sure your DH is 100% behind you in sharing the routines, babycare etc, if he's not then you may find you're suddenly a single parent and wondering what happened?

JHWilts

I am in the same situation and am wondering as I am 40 next year - ouch! - what I should do. He is 7 years younger than me and I made it very clear when we got together 5 years ago very early on that I wanted children and if he didn't there was no point in us being together. Last March he dropped the bombshell that he never wanted children. yes I love him but I already resent him, every time our friends get married or have children it stiars it up and therefore this year I am not going to any more weddings or christenings nor his niece's birthdays etc as I am always left answering the "so will you and M get married/have kids" etc while he b*gg*rs off. I am already thinking of leaving him and although I probably will never get married nor have children I need to do what is right for me. It is hard however I can no longer lie to myself that it is not an issue. he keeps talking about our future, nothign has changed, we will stay together however I am NOT a beneficiary of his insurance policy, pension etc. God this sounds like me downloading and it is. But simply, you need to be true to yourself and sometimes that may mean being alone.

JHWilts

I ALWAYS tell him that that maybe i is ME he doesn't want to marry or have kids with as well.

galvanizersbaby

Frances63 wrote: »

My OH and I have been trying for a family for 5 years now but despite 2 miscarriages it hasn't happened. I'm 46 so it's probably due to my age. He isn't prepared to try IVF with me though, (even though I can afford it & will pay). He just thinks either it happens naturally or not at all.

He has today agreed that if I really want to do IVF then I must, but he won't be part of it. However he would like us to stay together even if I'm successful and have a donor's child that he won't be genetically related to.

Seems slightly odd to me that that's his choice, but I'm happy with it. I'd rather he was the father of course, but this option to me is better than to remain childless knowing I didn't try all I could.

I love children, I'm a family person even though I'm not at all bothered about marriage. To me it feels as though I will not have lived a complete life if I don't experience bringing up a child one way or another, despite my efforts to get past these feelings. They are so strong.

My OH will be free to walk away without the fear of any financial or moral burden whatsoever if we ever split up, and I have a chance to do what I need to do.

Could this be a possible compromise for the OP?

Hi Frances
I really feel for you - I can't help but think though that your OH does not really want to be a father (to any child) from what you've posted.
Also does your OH really think he would be free from moral burden from a child that he had been a father too (even if not biologically) if you were to split up in the future?
I do sense your strong feelings from your post and I am guessing that you are prepared to be a single parent as opposed to not being a parent at all
Just made me feel sad - go careful and good luck x

becky_rtw

I'm in the no camp very firmly as well and constantly have to put up with the 'you'll change your mind' rubbish, but whatever makes it understandable for people - I just ignore their comments and smile sweetly and say 'we'll see'

However, my previous partner wanted children very much and in the end I left him because I didnt want him to resent me, after much talking he wanted to get back together 'I'd rather have you than a child' but I didnt feel it was fair to deny him his choice in the matter...now I have a lovely OH who is older and doesnt want children either = yippee

Am hoping ex OH will find a nice woman and have children and be very happy but even if he isnt I know i made the right decision because I wouldnt have been able to live with the guilt of denying him his choice to have a family...

Oh and I like children by the way - I'm just not maternal - the best bit is giving them back

JHWilts

becky_rtw wrote: »

Oh and I like children by the way - I'm just not maternal - the best bit is giving them back

I absolutely agree with you and I certainly do not believe it is this "maternal instinct" as I have seen my friends struggle to manage a new baby only to be told by the care worker it all comes naturally! It doesn't, you have to learn these things. I think it is great that people are honest about not wnating children - especially women as they often get a huge amount of backlash when they say these things.

Personally, I always saw myself as a mother however if it never happens then I won't feelI have failed as a person, I will be disappointed and sad that I never had the chance.

becky_rtw

JHWilts wrote: »

I absolutely agree with you and I certainly do not believe it is this "maternal instinct" as I have seen my friends struggle to manage a new baby only to be told by the care worker it all comes naturally! It doesn't, you have to learn these things. I think it is great that people are honest about not wnating children - especially women as they often get a huge amount of backlash when they say these things.

Personally, I always saw myself as a mother however if it never happens then I won't feelI have failed as a person, I will be disappointed and sad that I never had the chance.

All I can say is thank goodness my sister has had a child , my mother might have killed me otherwise (although I've been saying since I was 15 I dont want a kids so shes had a while to adjust)