My partner doesn't want children....

Dinah93

Have you asked him why he would foster but doesn't want children of his own? Is it because fostering would be a lot less of a commitment, as you never actually 'keep' a child, just take care of it for a short while. I thoroughly applaud anyone who does this, but I don't think I could cope if I hadn't also got my own child, as it would just break my heart everytime they left again.

alyth

I've been following this thread with interest. I am absolutely child-free, in fact I cannot understand the longings that anyone has for kids. However, a word of caution. I seperated last year after 15 years with ex, we had made a joint decision many many years ago not to have kids. He hooked up with one of his employees, in fact he did it whilst we were still together! She had his kid three weeks ago. From texts, emails and we both still live in a very small village so I hear every movement they both make, he now feels trapped and I suspect it's only a matter of time before he either walks or throws her and the kid out.

My point is that your partner may be saying that he will go ahead with the fostering/adoption idea to keep you happy, however perhaps a year down the line he will feel that he cannot cope with the "family" aspect of his life and leave you and/or child. If you are adamant that you want a family, then do not force your partner to follow your dream. perhaps better to imagine your life if you didn't have kids - what would you do then - would you work with them, foster as someone else has mentioned, take on a bigger role with family children?

i think you also have to look on it from the male aspect. From what I understand, and please correct me if I am wrong, as I say I have no friends with children and indeed avoid them (!), when a woman has a child then the child becomes the focus of her life and the male becomes secondary. Man feels left out, isn't getting the attention that he had before child appeared, perhaps looks elsewhere for affection, be that with another woman or work! i understand that there is no greater love than the love you feel for your kids, I'm almost 40 and my mother still tells me that. But it has to be a joint decision. I respect your partner in having the guts to stand up and say that he doesn't want to have kids - i wish there were more people like that.

A child is a lifestyle choice, not a given in life, if your longing for a child is so bad then change your life, adopt/foster/find a new partner that either has or wants kids.

As I say this is something I feel very strongly about, I've hesitated about posting and I don't want a barrage of abuse, too many kids are brought into the world as band-aid kids, to repair and hold relationships together, it's the kids that suffer, the parents move onto another life, and a lot of the time another family!

LittleJane_2

have you asked your husband why he doesn't want children? he may have issues that you can discuss. I always thought i wouldn't have children as my mother suffered with postnatal depression which never ended and so did her sisters, so i was extremely worried regarding having children that this may be triggered in me. my husband was very supportive and understood and was prepared to forsake being a father as he loved me. i have since gone on to get advice and have now had two children, but if my husband had not been so supportive this may have been a different story.
good luck..remember to talk and listen

blackcoffee

Id be worried,that you would be able to cope with handling foster children back if you have a desire that deep to be a mum yourself, and just exactly how hands on he would be ?

Odette

alyth wrote: »

I've been following this thread with interest. I am absolutely child-free, in fact I cannot understand the longings that anyone has for kids. QUOTE]


I feel like this, some people are just not the type. Whenever I get a new bf (not like its every day:p) I always make it clear that if they want kids they are with the wrong person. Infact I think my bf now would say I harp on about it a bit. The fact is I know my mind will never change and its unfair to want to change other people based on that. If your partner is anything like me, you might be fighting a loosing battle

BrandNewDay

I think it's a tragic waste of time to try and change someone's mind about this issue. That goes both ways: wrong for him to expect you to put aside what matters to you, and wrong for you to try and change him.

If you want children, then get out there and find a man who also wants children. Don't waste any time about it, either.

catkins

kit wrote: »

I left my husband for a reason similar to this. He was ok with having children, as long as he didnt have to make any effort! When we needed fertility treatment, he refused to co-operate. Finally I gave up on the ferility treatment and asked him to consider adopting. He said no way. In the end I wrote him a letter explaining how much I wanted children and asked that he either co-operated with the fertility treatment or we adopt. He said no to both, I left the same day. For me, no man was worth giving up my dream to have children no matter how much love was involved.

I don't mean to be nasty but you could not have loved your ex that much or else you would not have left. I cannot understand how the wish for a child can be stronger than love for a man.

catkins

alyth wrote: »

i think you also have to look on it from the male aspect. From what I understand, and please correct me if I am wrong, as I say I have no friends with children and indeed avoid them (!), when a woman has a child then the child becomes the focus of her life and the male becomes secondary. Man feels left out, isn't getting the attention that he had before child appeared, perhaps looks elsewhere for affection, be that with another woman or work! i understand that there is no greater love than the love you feel for your kids, I'm almost 40 and my mother still tells me that. But it has to be a joint decision. I respect your partner in having the guts to stand up and say that he doesn't want to have kids - i wish there were more people like that.

A child is a lifestyle choice, not a given in life, if your longing for a child is so bad then change your life, adopt/foster/find a new partner that either has or wants kids.

As I say this is something I feel very strongly about, I've hesitated about posting and I don't want a barrage of abuse, too many kids are brought into the world as band-aid kids, to repair and hold relationships together, it's the kids that suffer, the parents move onto another life, and a lot of the time another family!

I agree. An awful lot of men actually either do not want children or are not particularly bothered either way. Having spoken to countless men over the years (I have lived in numerous places in England and also lived abroad and have met many many people) I have only met a couple who really felt strongly that they wanted children.

Even if a man really does want a child it must be hard for them if the woman focuses all her attention on the child. Of course babies need lots of time and attention but I do think you should not forget about your husband. Even if the man and the women equally just give almost all their time and attention to the baby, if that carries on then all they have in common is the child(ren) and when any children have left home they find they no longer have anything to talk about or in common.

I know that having a baby can often put a relationship under strain and it is one of the highest risk times of couples splitting. Even if a couple do not split it can cause problems which can go on for years.

I agree that far too many babies are brought into this world and often with little or no thought.

poorandindenial

Hi all

I haven't read all the posts on here but as a childless woman who has no desire to have children (I have never had a maternal instinct in my life) I would like to applaud the realisty of the posters. All too often I have had conversations with friends who talk about how their OH doesn't want kids and what should they do and inevitably some *helpful* soul says 'oh well don't worry about it, they will change their mind' but I haven't seen any of that (although I haven't read the whole thread) and for that I would like to wholeheartedly applaud you all. :T

OP i am so,so sorry that you are in this confusing and upsetting situation and I hope that you find the way that is best for you soon, please don't be afraid to be selfish and beware of bargaining away your dreams in your relationship.

galvanizersbaby

alyth wrote: »

I've been following this thread with interest. I am absolutely child-free, in fact I cannot understand the longings that anyone has for kids. However, a word of caution. I seperated last year after 15 years with ex, we had made a joint decision many many years ago not to have kids. He hooked up with one of his employees, in fact he did it whilst we were still together! She had his kid three weeks ago. From texts, emails and we both still live in a very small village so I hear every movement they both make, he now feels trapped and I suspect it's only a matter of time before he either walks or throws her and the kid out.

My point is that your partner may be saying that he will go ahead with the fostering/adoption idea to keep you happy, however perhaps a year down the line he will feel that he cannot cope with the "family" aspect of his life and leave you and/or child. If you are adamant that you want a family, then do not force your partner to follow your dream. perhaps better to imagine your life if you didn't have kids - what would you do then - would you work with them, foster as someone else has mentioned, take on a bigger role with family children?

i think you also have to look on it from the male aspect. From what I understand, and please correct me if I am wrong, as I say I have no friends with children and indeed avoid them (!), when a woman has a child then the child becomes the focus of her life and the male becomes secondary. Man feels left out, isn't getting the attention that he had before child appeared, perhaps looks elsewhere for affection, be that with another woman or work! i understand that there is no greater love than the love you feel for your kids, I'm almost 40 and my mother still tells me that. But it has to be a joint decision. I respect your partner in having the guts to stand up and say that he doesn't want to have kids - i wish there were more people like that.

A child is a lifestyle choice, not a given in life, if your longing for a child is so bad then change your life, adopt/foster/find a new partner that either has or wants kids.

As I say this is something I feel very strongly about, I've hesitated about posting and I don't want a barrage of abuse, too many kids are brought into the world as band-aid kids, to repair and hold relationships together, it's the kids that suffer, the parents move onto another life, and a lot of the time another family!

He sounds like a delightful man- not!

OP I think you know what the answer is for the situation you find yourself in - This is not the sort of thing a couple can compromise on Good luck - I hope you make the right decision for you