My partner doesn't want children....

catkins

kit wrote: »

I disagree.
It was not an easy decision to make but in my mind the choice between a child and a man is a clear one. The love you feel for a child is very different than the love you feel for a man. Why settle for being with someone you will end up resenting?

Why settle being with someone you don't love just to have a child? Or settle for being on your own with a child?

Of course love for a child is different but that child will probably grow up and leave home whereas if you have a happy marriage you are together for life.

Dinah93

Half of marriages end in divorce so I think there are big holes in the assertion that a child will move out and leave you but a husband will always be there!

And I don't think anyone on here recomended settling for someone you didn't love to produce offspring, simply finding someone you actually have compatable goals with as it will make for a much happier life. You shouldn't, and can't, force anyone to change their opinion on whether to have children or not, but I think there have been people on here voicing the opinion both ways that they have left their partner who in all other respects they loved, because of a fundamental difference in their desire to have children, and I think its much better they leave than stick with their partner and resent them, or go down the truely terrifying pins in condom route.

aliasojo

JoolzS wrote: »

I don't believe for a second that "most people want children ...". Maybe a majority do, but not "most".

Isn't that exactly the same thing? :D

Anyway if someone could show us our future with and without children.....I bet some of us with children would happily choose to remake our choice. :rotfl:


(Throwaway jokey comment btw )

galvanizersbaby

JoolzS wrote: »

I think this is a fallacy that needs to be addressed. I don't believe for a second that "most people want children ...". Maybe a majority do, but not "most". I feel very fortunate to be one of the first generation who could say publicly that I don't want children. Having spoken to many people from an earlier generation I know that a lot of them would have made the same decision if it had been possible for them. My DH's mother would not have had children had she had a choice - unfortunately for her she had five of them, but managed to get each one to move out of the house at around the age of 16.

I'm slightly envious of people younger than me (I'm in my early 40s) who already know at a young age that they can choose to live their life childfree. I didn't know that was a possibility until I met my DH. I always presumed you met "the one", got married (or not), lived as a couple for a while, and then had kid(s). The only thing I knew was that I was fairly sure I only wanted to have one. If having none had been on the table from a young age - I'm fairly sure that's what I would have picked .

Julie

It was fortunate for you that she had such bad luck though else you wouldn't have your DH

I think with the availability of reliable contraception the option to be child free has been on the table for many years now.

Lunar_Eclipse

JoolzS wrote: »

I think this is a fallacy that needs to be addressed. I don't believe for a second that "most people want children ...". Maybe a majority do, but not "most". I feel very fortunate to be one of the first generation who could say publicly that I don't want children. Having spoken to many people from an earlier generation I know that a lot of them would have made the same decision if it had been possible for them. My DH's mother would not have had children had she had a choice - unfortunately for her she had five of them, but managed to get each one to move out of the house at around the age of 16.

I'm slightly envious of people younger than me (I'm in my early 40s) who already know at a young age that they can choose to live their life childfree. I didn't know that was a possibility until I met my DH. I always presumed you met "the one", got married (or not), lived as a couple for a while, and then had kid(s). The only thing I knew was that I was fairly sure I only wanted to have one. If having none had been on the table from a young age - I'm fairly sure that's what I would have picked .

Julie

I find that perspective interesting because it has honestly never occured to me that anyone would feel that they don't have a choice; I'm late 30's. Having said that, my own desire was in the majority of wanting children, which by default I appreciate is an easier path to follow (although in reality it is by far harder!) I can remember wanting children from about the age of 8 when I started keeping a list of 'great names for babies', although I was a full scale tomboy and not a girly girl interested in dolls, playing house etc.

I now have 2 children. And would simply say that from experience, you should feel like you couldn't live without them, to decide to have them. It puts a whole new spin on the meaning of responsibility, hard work and being knackered.

Ex1le

Im glad you have discussed it properly, lack of discussion was what ruined my relationship my ex left me just over a year ago and one major factor was she 'believed' that i never wanted children.
This was because i once made a throw away comment about never wanting kids when there was a rather badly behaved 3/4 year old having a temper tantrum on holiday.
Despite the fact that we had discussed having kids several times although not in any huge depth, i made it clear that i wanted kids when we were settled in our new house had a bit of cash saved and were happy with our jobs.
Shorlty after moving into the house we had a year of hell, 3 family deaths, a stroke, redundancy, another job change, health issue and many other minor niggles she decided she couldnt wait any longer as she was desperate to have children now so left to find someone else!

However if she had discussed it with me she would have know that i was ready to have children but 'life' kept throwing up issues, i dont think entering into parenthood should be done lightly or until both parties are 100% ready as this is a life long commitment.
I also dont think she truly loved me because i am the same school of thought if you truly love someone you are with them for life, i dont see how you could put having children above someone you are goig to spend the rest with.
(Yes you do love your children just as much or more, but in a completly different way)

She has since started seeing a married man with 2 kids, who doesnt want anymore children! (she gets to play with the kids as short fix but has put having her own kids on hold!)

kit

catkins wrote: »

Why settle being with someone you don't love just to have a child? Or settle for being on your own with a child?

Of course love for a child is different but that child will probably grow up and leave home whereas if you have a happy marriage you are together for life.

Its obvious that we disagee greatly.
I would never say that someone should 'settle' for someone they dont love just to have a child..... love is an important part of a relationship. But there is no way I would stay with a man who didnt want kids no matter how much I loved him. But yes, if i had to, I would have had a child on my own....... adoption is a great way forward if you cant find a man you love that wants to have children with you.

Children may well leave home but they will always be your children. A man may not always be your 'love' and may not be there for life.

lilmissmup

Inaminute, I am glad you are working at things, I think I have definitely gone off on the motherhood rail too, I am still young so am trying to take a step back but its hard

Me and my OH need to work on us too so good luck with it all.

Ex1le I am sorry things didn't work out for you, I hope you find someone who makes you happy and both share the same hopes.

pinkneonmartini

WOW!!!! i've just read this whole thread and i'm so happy that you and your OH seem to have found common ground with the adoption/fostering idea.

I have to admit i'm having a similar problem, only mine is slightly complicated by the fact my OH has said from day 1 that she doesn't want children. I however have had my childrens names shortlisted since i was about 16, which she knew from day 1.

Now the complicated bit is that we are in a long distance relationship, Manchester to Birmingham, living with our parents to save money for a house, she wants to move up here, and there has been teeny weeny talks of marriage, but when it comes to children the response is always "you know i don't want them, never have". But she is younger than me, and my lady clock only really started thumping 3 months ago, just prior to my 25th birthday.

And while there is a voice thats whispering in the back of my mind that "she's young, she'll come round" theres also another voice practically screaming at me to stop looking for houses, stop planning a future together, because if she doesn't ever want children, then i might aswell call it all off now.

Finally, the LAST big complication .... I love her! Always have, even when we were just friends. I don't think i could walk away, she means far too much to me, but will i end up hating her when my brother has kids, her sister has kids, our friends have kids, and we have a dog a cat and some fish?

Dinah93

Honestly, yes I think you'd end up resenting her. I doubt she will change her mind as she seems very resolute (and not that young! I'm 24 and have known I want kids since I was about 15), so like others on here you need to make the horrible decision of what is more important to you. *hugs*