My partner doesn't want children....

Dinah93

catkins wrote: »

I don't mean to be nasty but you could not have loved your ex that much or else you would not have left. I cannot understand how the wish for a child can be stronger than love for a man.

My partner is the kindest, most gentle, loving, considerate, funny, intellegent man I know. I love him to pieces and wouldn't change anything. But if he didn't want children I would not be with him, as I would always resent him for being the reason I did not have a family.

I do not think love is limited, and you can't push all this affection into one person. So many people are writing about hw men feel pushed out by a baby - they weren't ready if they resent the baby for its mothers attention! Also, there have been a wealth of studies showing couples with children are less likely to divorce (http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=363986 is a collection of some of these) so this bold assertion that men feel pushed out by the birth of a child is a broad generalisation, many, many men are exstatic to be dads.

lilmissmup

How are things now inaminute?

TBH I want my own baby, fostering is a great thing to do but my OH has to decide if he wants a baby with me or not, i hope you can reach some compromise with him.

We haven't talked about our situation since our "discussion" as I know I need to give it some time and just relax about things and also sort my affairs out as I just can't walk away financially other.

blackcoffee

catkins wrote: »

I don't mean to be nasty but you could not have loved your ex that much or else you would not have left. I cannot understand how the wish for a child can be stronger than love for a man.

Some womens desire to have children is very deep, that is why so many do it on thier own with no support.

lilmissmup

blackcoffee wrote: »

Some womens desire to have children is very deep, that is why so many do it on thier own with no support.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I have always known I wanted children, if I have to leave him due to the situation we are in right now then I hope I can find a man who will want children too but its something I would also consider if needs be even though it would be hard.

retireby50

Just come upon this thread....apologies for what may appear like an intrusion...

I have little direct knowledge on fostering/adoption, but given what I have read here I suspect your partner would stand little chance of getting past stage 1 in the process for assessing suitability.....

If he don't want his own kids how are you going to respond in difficult circumstances with kids that are not his own?

DKLS

After the end of a long term relationship (12yrs), I found myself dating again, I thought it only fair that I should bring up the "offspring" issue, and would make it implicitly clear that I never wanted to be a father and if they did, I was the wrong man for them.

Sadly not all my dates believed me, and a few said "I would change my mind", one tampered with my condom stash!!!
Thankfully I met the love of my life, and she feels the same way as me.

catkins

blackcoffee wrote: »

Some womens desire to have children is very deep, that is why so many do it on thier own with no support.

Well I think it is very selfish to purposely have a baby on your own with no father around for the child.

I still believe that if you really truly love your partner you would not leave because you want a child.

inaminute

Well, I'm feeling a little more hopeful now following a much needed heart to heart with my OH. My OH felt there were issues in our relationship that needed to be addressed before venturing down the child route. He felt that I'd gone off on this rail road of motherhood and had become blinkered in my thinking and had forgotten the good bits in our relationship and how we were as a couple in the first place.

My OH realises that he is not perfect but told me that he loved me very much and that he didn't want me to leave and walk away from the good bits that we did have. I think its the having the baby bit, the sleepless nights, that he is worried about and his age too as he's older than me. The reason I enquired about adoption is that he himself said he would consider adoption of a young child as this bypasses some of the 'baby' stages. Although a young adoptive child would have problems and would no doubtedly be challenging he felt he could consider this. I also feel hand on heart I could compromise on this if this is what it would take as I agree there are far too many children in the world already who need love and I certainly would be happy to give it too them.

We have decided to work on our relationship issues, enjoy living and see if we can get our relationship back on track again like it was before. Our relationship has always had its ups and downs but who's doesn't? He has agreed to see how things progress and if he feels that he can't offer me the family I truly desire whether that be biological or adoption then he will tell me within the next 6 - 12 months so i can make a choice. He said at times that he felt like he was in a corner and that the only way out for him was for him to say no to me. They say time is a healer so I'm hoping that my OH and I can put the arguments behind us and move forward.

He knows my clock is ticking and that neither of us are getting any younger but I feel now we have talked logically and calmly and we both understand what our needs are and where we are coming from its like a weight has been lifted. We are now working together instead of against each other and being full of resentment.

Who knows what the outcome will be but I feel that my love for him was too strong to walk away, I just couldn't do it, someone or something was telling me to give it one more go so thats what I am doing.

So thanks to everyone who posted its being a stressful journey for me but I feel that we've finally communicated which is probably what we should have done months ago!

kit

catkins wrote: »

I don't mean to be nasty but you could not have loved your ex that much or else you would not have left. I cannot understand how the wish for a child can be stronger than love for a man.

I disagree.
It was not an easy decision to make but in my mind the choice between a child and a man is a clear one. The love you feel for a child is very different than the love you feel for a man. Why settle for being with someone you will end up resenting?

JoolzS

Atomised wrote: »

Most people want children at some point although i've yet to feel an urge.

I think this is a fallacy that needs to be addressed. I don't believe for a second that "most people want children ...". Maybe a majority do, but not "most". I feel very fortunate to be one of the first generation who could say publicly that I don't want children. Having spoken to many people from an earlier generation I know that a lot of them would have made the same decision if it had been possible for them. My DH's mother would not have had children had she had a choice - unfortunately for her she had five of them, but managed to get each one to move out of the house at around the age of 16.

I'm slightly envious of people younger than me (I'm in my early 40s) who already know at a young age that they can choose to live their life childfree. I didn't know that was a possibility until I met my DH. I always presumed you met "the one", got married (or not), lived as a couple for a while, and then had kid(s). The only thing I knew was that I was fairly sure I only wanted to have one. If having none had been on the table from a young age - I'm fairly sure that's what I would have picked .

Julie