My partner doesn't want children....

pinkshoes

JHWilts wrote: »

I am in the same situation and am wondering as I am 40 next year - ouch! - what I should do. He is 7 years younger than me and I made it very clear when we got together 5 years ago very early on that I wanted children and if he didn't there was no point in us being together. Last March he dropped the bombshell that he never wanted children. yes I love him but I already resent him, every time our friends get married or have children it stiars it up and therefore this year I am not going to any more weddings or christenings nor his niece's birthdays etc as I am always left answering the "so will you and M get married/have kids" etc while he b*gg*rs off. I am already thinking of leaving him and although I probably will never get married nor have children I need to do what is right for me. It is hard however I can no longer lie to myself that it is not an issue. he keeps talking about our future, nothign has changed, we will stay together however I am NOT a beneficiary of his insurance policy, pension etc. God this sounds like me downloading and it is. But simply, you need to be true to yourself and sometimes that may mean being alone.

:eek: How can he suddenly decide he doesn't want kids?? Did he say why he had such a change of heart?

If I were you, I'd resent him too, and would leave, as if you don't give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else that would like kids, then you'll probably resent him for the rest of your life, as you'll never know...

My aunt had a child at 42, and another at 44, both naturally conceived, so you still have time...

Frances63

JHWilts wrote: »

I am in the same situation and am wondering as I am 40 next year - ouch! - what I should do. He is 7 years younger than me and I made it very clear when we got together 5 years ago very early on that I wanted children and if he didn't there was no point in us being together. Last March he dropped the bombshell that he never wanted children. yes I love him but I already resent him, every time our friends get married or have children it stiars it up and therefore this year I am not going to any more weddings or christenings nor his niece's birthdays etc as I am always left answering the "so will you and M get married/have kids" etc while he b*gg*rs off. I am already thinking of leaving him and although I probably will never get married nor have children I need to do what is right for me. It is hard however I can no longer lie to myself that it is not an issue. he keeps talking about our future, nothign has changed, we will stay together however I am NOT a beneficiary of his insurance policy, pension etc. God this sounds like me downloading and it is. But simply, you need to be true to yourself and sometimes that may mean being alone.

This is so difficult isn't it. I would say it's probably not just you he doesn't want children with, some men just don't want them, and some (probably most!) are just scared stiff of the endless responsibilty. I think they should be scared because that in itself shows that they are thinking responsibly about it. The irony! They are probably the very men that would make the best fathers if they did commit to it.

I myself didn't seriously think of going ahead until the fear of never having children became stronger than the fear of having them. Despite how much I love them (& I'm hugely maternal).

Are you able to go it alone if it came to it? Financially, emotionally and support-wise? The reason I ask is that at 40 you need to get your skates on unfortunately, otherwise you may end up like me at 46 and probably with almost no hope of carrying my own child.

Have a read of this book preview, it's quite amusing if nothing else....

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=aa8nxEIaP64C&printsec=frontcover&dq=knock+yourself+up&source=gbs_summary_r&cad=0

Snow_White_5

ceridwen wrote: »

I think its possible to tell quite early on in a relationship if ones boyfriend/girlfriend wants children - just watch them when they are near children and their reaction says it all. Out of all the boyfriends I had in my younger days there was just one who had an obvious reaction to children - he'd start grinning broadly at them and looking very wistful - and it was quite clear that he would love to be a father. I kept going out with him - as I'd told him at the outset I didnt want/had made sure I couldnt have children - so I took it that he knew the facts - but obviously wanted me even more than he wanted children. I can also spot my father's face every time he sees little children as well - and he also has a very smiley/gooey reaction to them and is clearly hoping to attract their attention. The children react back too - they light up like little "torches" near someone who likes/wants them.

It really isnt hard to spot if someone really likes children and would like to have some of their own - and vice-versa.......

This is a really interesting topic. I'm in my late 20s and have only ever felt broody once in my life, for about a day! I like babies and children and do have the reaction ceridwen mentions above - I'm always getting smiles from babies etc. and like playing with them, but I just don't feel that having my own is a priority. Maybe it's just my age? I feel I can't really tell anyone how I feel as they'll think I'm cold or strange, especially as many of my friends are now having kids. Having said that, I know my partner probably will want kids and I would be prepared to have them and give them a safe and loving home for his sake.

To the OP - I hope things work out the way you want them to - good luck. x

inaminute

JHWilts, I know exactly where you're coming from although you are a bit older than me (sorry).... but my partner is several years older than me. I think I've known deep down for a while that he was going to say a definate no, no to children but somehow (stupidly) I thought I could change his mind or get his friends to change it for me (again stupidly). Its so easy to stay in a relationship thats familiar and safe but ultimately it won't get me what i want will it. Its the fear of the un-known that worries me, but we shouldn't be afraid of change should we really?

I too am becoming more resentful of my partner as I see those around me settled and married with children and its a horrible feeling almost a yearning infact that I wish I had those things myself. I know that I could leave and not meet anyone else or meet someone who didn't want children but I think you have to listen to your gut instinct because I've found in the past it isnt wrong.

I don't think whatever route I take will be easy but I know ultimately it will probably be to move on, move forward and take the opportunity to meet someone new who wants the same things out of life as I do and hopefully have no regrets. I don't want to get to 50 and look back and think I didn't give myself an opportunity to fulfill my dream of having a child.

When I first posted on here I didn't expect the response I've had but it just shows you that we're not alone in our desire doesn't it.

Good luck to you too in whatever you decide and thanks for all the supportive comments from everyone on here.

I hope dreams come true for all the ladies on here wanting children.

ceridwen

Good luck.

Hope you find someone who is both the partner you desire and who wants to be the father to your child/ren.

Congratulations on being honest with your current partner - and I think you deserve someone who is right for you now because of that...

sad_moneysaver

I'm going through something similar at the moment, except we both want children... 9 years ago, when we first got together, I wasn't sure, had things I wanted to do, etc - on reflection this was probably also highly influenced by the fact that I was so worried that an eating disorder in my past had taken my chance of having children away from me.

Now we're both in our mid 30’s and I want children, while he desperately wants children, but thinks I’m just saying I do so he won’t leave me. I’m really not. He’s being really distant at the moment, I’m worried he’s started to see someone from his office, and I think that this whole children thing has finished off our relationship. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he won’t engage. I’m worried that if I push to hard, that the only topic of conversation would be if there is anything left to save – and I’m worried that he doesn’t feel the way I do anymore and we’ll split up.

All this has come out of the blue – we had a fairly stormy relationship when we first got together, but we’ve barely argued between then and this blowing up. I’m so confused, and have no idea how to save my relationship. I’m finding I’m doing anything and everything to avoid confrontation, trying to do things to make him happy. I love him so much.

I'm a regular posting under a new name... You can tell how desperate I am...

inaminute

Hi Sadmoneysaver.... i can see your situation is similar to mine although you do have the advantage in the fact that your partner does want children even though you are having a few problems with this right now. The one thing that did come to my attention is that you said he thought you were only saying you wanted a child so he didn't leave you.... Mmmm why do you suddenly feel that he's become distant, you also mentioned a lady in his office, has he given you reason to suspect something is wrong or do you think the child issue has caused you to doubt what he is telling you?? (sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here).

The one thing that may help you is to write your partner a letter. Some men don't like being put on the spot, or being forced to chat especially if its a difficult topic or not the 'right time'. So by writing him a letter and giving it to him when you know he has the time to sit and read it ie. when you're out with friends one night. You can express all your hopes and dreams regarding your relationship, tell him how this situation is making you feel (without blaming him too much) then allowing him time to absorb this, sit on his rock and decide how he really feels. Perhaps suggest he writes one back, its just a different way of expressing how you feel which is sometimes difficult to say face to face. It can at least be set as a starting point.

I'm not saying writing a letter is the right way or the best way but it just may help you by getting all your feelings down on paper. I did find that it helped me. I hope this has helped you a little.

upset_2

I'm in a similar situation, although mine is a bit different to most of yours. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He adores children, is great with them and always wanted them, but we weren't in any rush to have them (I wasn't particularly broody years ago). We got married a couple of years ago, and around that time I brought up the subject of kids again. He told me that he didn't want them just yet, so I left it at that, as I was happy to wait a bit. Recently, I brought the subject up again, and my husband said that he has decided that he doesn't want kids at all. I can't even begin to explain how I'm feeling, and I have no idea what to do. :undecided

JoolzS

kazmc wrote: »

I haven't had time to read all the posts but wanted to answer your question.....

The love you feel for your children is uncomparable and I would happily go through life single as long as I have my little girl.
A relationship?? your child?? NO comparison at all.

Are you going to pass this onto your little girl? You are saying that the best relationship you've ever had is with your own child - so I guess you are going to suggest to her that she has a baby at the earliest opportunity so that she too can have the best relationship in the world with her own child!

Julie

aliasojo

JoolzS wrote: »

Are you going to pass this onto your little girl? You are saying that the best relationship you've ever had is with your own child - so I guess you are going to suggest to her that she has a baby at the earliest opportunity so that she too can have the best relationship in the world with her own child!

Julie

I know we can all interpret things differently but what on earth that was written in kazmc's post made you make such a leap?