outside opinion required please - arguement with DS

libbyc3

Hi
just think i need the opinion of someone not close to the situation - could well be a long post!
I split with husband 1999 - father of DS(now 17) and eldest DS(now 15). the CSA took a year to get any money from him and after the first payment he packed up work and moved to Sweden. We have had sporadic contact with hm over the years - the kids went to sweden a couple of times and visited him at his mums in liverpool every Xmas. We did not recieve any money from him - apart from him putting £20 pocket money into the kids accounts probably 3 times a year.
He has now moved back to this country and started work- i didn't know we haven't spoken for about 2 years - and the CSA caught up with him. The arrears have been building up to £23700 over the years and he has been assessed to pay me £470 per month on a deduction of earnings.
Now to the point of the post!
I have told DS and DD that if in the unlikely event we get any money from their father I will split it 3 ways. DS was immediatley not happy, claiming he should have half - why should i get any!?! Their father in the meantime inexplicably put £100 into my account and told DS it was pocket money.
I gave DS and DD £35 each as the thirds would be starting from that payment.
Well, DS reaction has to be seen to be believed - it is his money, i am stealing from him, he hates me, etc, etc, etc!!!!
I am not holding out any hope of getting any money via the CSA as he will pack in his job again before paying for his kids, so am I right in keeping this £30.
I could hand DS and DD another £15 each but it is the principle.
DD i should say is absolutley fine with the whole thing and sees anything she gets out of the mess as a bonus.

lostinrates

Goodness!

How does DS think you paid the rent/mortage etc and fed them with out their dad's contribution?

mrcow

It is not his money.

It is money for his keep.
It is not pocket money. It is money for food and bills.

Your son needs to grow up.

Threebabes

I wouldnt be giving them any of it. That money would contribute towards their clothing, food, gas/elec/phone etc for future and past years which you have had to pay for over the years when you've had to foot the bill alone.

bunty109

Personally, I'd ask for the £35 back! Ungrateful wotsit. What does he think you've been living on all these years?

Perhaps you should give him the extra £15 and then present him with a bill for keep for £50 a week and it might just make him realise how much it costs to look after him!

annie_d

Boys of that age are VERY tricky to deal with. Stick with your decision, he will come round.

dieselhead

I have no experience of this so it is pure opinion based on your post.

Personally as far as I can see the arrears are all your money, no-one elses, after all you have fed, clothed, kept the house, heated it etc over the last few years with your money, when really at least some of that 'up keep' should have come from your children's father. So really I think you are being generous splitting it 3 ways, personally, I think this money belongs to you. Presumably you went without when you were having to pay for your children, when some responsibility should have belonged to your ex, so this is your money!

melorablack

It wouldn't ahve been given to him had your ex payed it properly all these years so why should he expect it now?

Tell him he can have it but he can't live at your house and expect you to pay for his food,washing electricity ect.

MrsTinks

The money was never meant for your son as pocket money or gifts - it was to help you clothe, feed and house your children. The fact he has failed to pay this over the past many years has meant that YOU have had to pay it on his behalf. So in effect you have "lent" him this money and now the CSA have caught up with him he's having to actually pay it.
I am rather baffled as to why your son feels he's entitled to ANY of it let alone 50% and the fact that he's demanding any at all would frankly incline me to give him none for the time being. If you feel that he should get any then put it into a savings account for him without telling him and save it for when/if he goes to uni or as a deposit for a flat etc as a gift from YOU - it's not a gift from his dad - he's merely repaying what he owes!

libbyc3

thanks for quick replies - wish DS would just see things like that - he is now prepared to cut off his nose to spite his face over this £15 - not paying me back for his bike insurance and generally causing a huge atmosphere in the house.
How is it that despite having so little contact with his father the last 10 years he is so much like him!?!

Swans1912

how dare your ex tell your DS it was pocket money!! No wonder he is a bit annoyed, his father told him it was his pocket money so your son naturally thinks its for him. I think you are 100% in the right, if anything the money should be all yours, you are very reasonable in giving your kids 1/3 each! You ex hubby clearly needs a kick in the pants telling your DS its pocket money!!