outside opinion required please - arguement with DS

vaio

Rachel85 wrote: »

I completely agree that any maintenance payments you receive via the CSA should be yours………….However, I can actually see where your DS is coming from with this. He's been told by his dad that he has given him £50 pocket money (albeit via you). Now whether his father should be dishing out pocket money when he owes you so many thousands is another debate, but ultimately DS sees this as his pocket money from a dad who's quite frankly been pretty rubbish with everything over the years, and now you're trying to take a cut of it. (I'm not saying its wrong, just seeing it from your DS's point of view). In the past when he has given the odd £20 as pocket money, have you taken a cut then? If not, perhaps this is why DS is getting annoyed now.

So in short (sorry for the long post), I would say that if you receive anything via the CSA this is yours and yours only. But if he has given money to the children and stated that it is pocket money for them, then I don't think it would be unreasonable to split it between the two of them.

Just what I was thinking, the £100 is pocket money and should be split between the kids, the CSA payments are yours and yours alone and you decide how/if it gets spent.

Money_maker

But if he's not going to pay via the CSA this could be the only payment that the op receives - ever.

I personally think you need to sit down with your son, tell him that you haven't received a penny in help over the years and hit him with some costings on your outgoings. Tell him how much you love him and how you've struggled through the years raising him and his sister but how proud you are now. He can assume the £15 is his first payment on his keep and how much you look forward to next weeks.

Keep telling him how much you love and care about him but do not back down on anything.

vaio

Money_maker wrote: »

But if he's not going to pay via the CSA this could be the only payment that the op receives - ever.

I personally think you need to sit down with your son, tell him that you haven't received a penny in help over the years and hit him with some costings on your outgoings. Tell him how much you love him and how you've struggled through the years raising him and his sister but how proud you are now. He can assume the £15 is his first payment on his keep and how much you look forward to next weeks.

Keep telling him how much you love and care about him but do not back down on anything.

Doesn’t matter, it’s separate from the csa and it was a gift to the kids, what next? Taking birthday money out of cards?

And I’d also stay away from big discussions with the boy, the cost of running the home is nothing to do with him until he’s old enough to start contibruting from his wages. He’s 15 and just needs telling that the pocket money is his and the csa money is not.

bunty109

vaio wrote: »

Doesn’t matter, it’s separate from the csa and it was a gift to the kids, what next? Taking birthday money out of cards?

And I’d also stay away from big discussions with the boy, the cost of running the home is nothing to do with him until he’s old enough to start contibruting from his wages. He’s 15 and just needs telling that the pocket money is his and the csa money is not.

OP said her son was 17.

I think there could be an argument over the pocket money aspect of this. You could give him the £15 but he needs to have it pointed out that's because you recognise it as "pocket money". Any payments from the CSA are for maintenance and you assume therefore that they are yours.

I really think whether a child is 15 or 17 they need to know the value of keep and perhaps the OPs daughter understands this more. I wouldn't worry if he threatens to go to his dad as it sounds as if he's the sort to make every excuse under the sun rather than have to cough up for his son to live with him. Might actually teach what his dad is really like!

Do feel for you....can't be nice having your son behaving so ungratefully.

pipkin71

I agree with vaio on this one.

The money wasn't paid through the csa. It wasn't paid as maintenance, it was given as pocket money for the son and daughter.

Yes, the father should be paying maintenance, but had he put £50 into an envelope for the two children and marked the envelopes 'pocket money', would you still insist in splitting it three ways OP?

I can honestly see why your son is upset over this and believe that this 'pocket money' should be a seperate issue to the maintenance issue.

January20

pipkin71 wrote: »

I agree with vaio on this one.

The money wasn't paid through the csa. It wasn't paid as maintenance, it was given as pocket money for the son and daughter.

Yes, the father should be paying maintenance, but had he put £50 into an envelope for the two children and marked the envelopes 'pocket money', would you still insist in splitting it three ways OP?

I can honestly see why your son is upset over this and believe that this 'pocket money' should be a seperate issue to the maintenance issue.

I am uneasy at the fact that the father put some money into the OP's account: "inexplicably" she said, and then contacted the son (and not the OP) to tell him that the money was pocket money. It smacks of playing games and playing one parent against the other. Surely the father should have spoken to the OP. And why did he put the money in the OP's account rather than an enveloppe as you said. Wouldn't that have been more sensible and clearer to all parties?

naturally_2

I would give DS and DD a full £50 each (pay the extra £15). It is pocket money, No matter how snide the father has been, and yes I would be calling him sperm donor too, just not in front of the kids, like the OP.

The maintenance money is for the kid's upkeep, but assuming you aren't in debt over it, I would pay anything that does come in via CSA into a trust fund, to mature at 21 or 25. Then I'd sit the kids down and explain clearly what this money would have been used for at the time, what they went without/cut down on because it didn't arrive in time, really make out the value of the money. Then tell then what is happening to it and when they will be able to access it, and that since it has built up to a nice sum you hope that they will use it wisely when the time comes.

emlou2009

i think you're being over generous by saying you will split the csa money (if it ever comes!) between yourself and the children - i would be using it to overpay my mortgage to make up for the years i'd spent scrimping without payment personally...

but i would give the "pocket money" to the children, as it wasnt intended as a csa payment originally. however if i'd done what you have done and not given it to them and then got the reaction you've had from your son i'd tell him to go whistle for a single penny in future, he sounds like he is behaving like a brat i'm afraid!

Taye

your son is 15 .. the WHOLE WORLD is unfair when your 15, he's having a typical 15 year old tantrum because he think's your being unfair because he isn't mature enough to see the full picture.. he thinks he does be he clearly doens't.

I remeber being 15 and thinking the world was going to come to an end because i broke my hairdryer and no amount of reasoning by my mum was going to stop my thinking she was EVIL and UNFAIR and RUINING MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

Give him the £50 pocket money and tell him the rest is yours to cover the things you went without for all those years.

Personally i'd put *some* of it into a trust fund for him to use when he's older for the deposit on a house or something, because seriously he's 15 what the hell is he going to spend the money on now?? better to save for his future when it will make a difference rather than have him waste it on rubbish he really doens't need.

The rest of it i'd keep as a contribution towards your childrens living expence's besides it's "ALL YOUR MONEY!" anyway so frankly i think by putting it aside for his future you are being more than fair.

bank_of_slate

Try writing out all the incomings and listing all the bills so he can see just how much it costs to run a household and bring up kids.
When he's a man he'll have to get used to giving up plenty of his earnings in tax, rent etc... Getting used to it now will not do him any harm whatsoever
...Linda xx